Leyton Orient 2 Southend United 0, 29/12/20

A game in which... Orient took to the field massively disadvantaged by the fact Ross Embleton was self-isolating on account of wanting to finish season four of The Crown. Well, I say massively disadvantaged but it soon became apparent the Os were playing with exactly the same tactical nous as in previous games. Which was none.

Luckily this was ultimately an improved performance nonetheless and two typical moments of class from McAnuff and Wilkinson and a unprecedented lack of catastrophic defensive errors were enough to polish off a woeful Southend side. 

But let me say this: Orient really aren't as bad as many doomsayers have been making out in the past few weeks. We're actually worse. Ok, JUST KIDDING... Christ! We're one point of the play offs, and while we obviously won't actually get promoted, in a messed up season we ain't doing too bad, and very occasionally have looked pretty good. And remember, finishing 17th in the fourth tier is actually Orient's natural resting state, so we're all good... 

Moment of magic... The moment referee Craig Hicks measured out the 10 yards required for the placement of the Southend wall when facing an Orient free kick. It seems finickity Southend players and fans believe that the man in black miscalculated by, say, a couple of kilometres or so making it too simple for McAnuff to pop the ball in the net. I guess looking at the evidence we can concede that Mr Hicks probably does have a problem estimating measurements, but it's not Southend you should feel sorry for, it's the referee's string of disappointed lovers sold a false promise, amirite? 

Praise be... It's now a firmly held Orient tradition that whenever Sam Ling – who unrelatedly is the son of the Director of Football – doesn't put in a car crash performance we have to overly praise him, so let's get that out the way: MIND-BLOWING 90 MINUTES FROM SAM LING – WHO UNRELATEDLY IS THE SON OF THE DIRECTOR OF FOOTBALL – ONE IN THE EYE FOR ALL THE LING-BASHERS. Aside from that Akinola played quite well, hey? 

Taxi for... It's now five months since Martin Ling's bizarre interview in which he ends up congratulating himself on signing Ouss Cisse then realises in horror what he's done so tries to backtrack by executing a two-footed tackle on the English language: "A sigh of a job well done we thought we were losing." So let's all think about what Cisse has achieved since then. Well that's three milliseconds of your life you'll never get back. But let's not be too harsh on the player who looked so promising on loan but has delivered so little this campaign. After all, I think he's just about to complete the tackle he began in the season-opener against Oldham. 

In the dug out... Forget Brexit, the real schism in this country is between the ROSS OUT-ERS and the ROSS IN-ERS. (Not forgetting, of course, the MONSTER RAVING ROSS-ERS, the THE PEOPLE'S FRONT OF ROSS, THE ROSS-IAN PEOPLE'S FRONT and a new organisation called RECLAIM ROSS set up by the actor Laurence Fox, who believes that #allRossesMatter and that all the rich, privileged, white Rosses have a really hard time these days.) 

Is Ross the right manager for Orient or not is the question. The answer: hard to say for the long run, but it's difficult to imagine that a different gaffer would have us topping the table right now without some changes to the squad. Still, there may be a neat compromise lurking in the fact that we now have a 100% record in games in which Embleton was the manager, but didn't actually attend... 

Leyton Orient 0 Cheltenham Town 2, 4/10/20

A game in which... the global scientific community discovered multiple new symptoms of Covid-19, including complete loss of positional sense, deterioration in the ability to understand the basic concepts of a game and – in the case of Sam Ling – an overwhelming compulsion to boot a football into his own net. So let me be clear: THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR THIS PERFORMANCE. 

It is true that Leyton Orient were the first team in professional football history to ever play a competitive match while collectively suffering from a debilitating respiratory virus and without any training, tactical instruction or face time in the preceding fortnight – although that still left them better prepared than they ever were under Fabio Liverani, and even then they managed to win once or twice. 

I'm joking of course: let's cut the players some slack and acknowledge that we were always going to lose this under the circumstances. And by "circumstances" I mean fielding a team in which three of the four defenders were Joe Widdowson, James Brophy and the aforementioned Ling. 

Praise be... Now, technically Jobi McAnuff should have been the most debilitated by Covid-19 given that he's of the generation most at risk. In fact, McAnuff was head and shoulders Orient's most energetic and inspirational player, as he is every single week. Curious then, that he delegated set piece responsibilities to Josh Wright, the footballing equivalent of Mick Jagger inviting H from Steps on stage to sing Sympathy For The Devil for him.

Taxi for... Sam Ling divides fans' opinions. Some believe he is far from a League Two standard defender and is only in the team because we haven't signed anyone better. Other believe he is far from a League Two standard defender and is only in the team because his dad is Director of Football. The latter obviously isn't true because if Martin Ling did have any influence on team selection then Brian Saah and Ryan Jarvis would be playing every week. 

In the dug out... Ross Embleton seems to have something of a mental block around what constitutes his best team, rotating the squad so much it's little wonder they spent most of this game running around in circles to little effect. He actually has an embarrassment of riches for the front three slots – Johnson, Angol, Wilkinson, Maguire-Drew, Dennis, Dayton, Sotiriou – at the same time as having the opposite issue in defence, where currently no one seems up to the job. Meanwhile he hasn't answered the question as to who partners Cisse and McAnuff in midfield, flip-flopping between Clay and Wright almost as if the former wasn't much, much better than the latter. 

Meanwhile in the stadium... As we all know, games continue behind closed doors, which makes it curious that the volume of noise emanating from the West Stand has actually increased. (Albeit that largely consists of the entire coaching staff yelling "HE'S BEHIND YOU!" pantomime-style at James Brophy.) But, as we also know, outdoor theatre events are allowed to take place with socially-distant audiences, which has given me an idea: How about we simply rebrand Leyton Orient as an experimental repertory company? That way they could put on weekly 90-minute "shows" designed to artistically parody what an actual football match is like. This would allow an "audience" in and is also not that far from the truth. 

Meanwhile in the programme... Another fascinating insight into the life of one of the squad. "What do you like to do away from football?" asks the programme editor earnestly of Ouss Cissé, who answers bewilderingly, "I like to play FIFA. I like to watch football too." Next week: Jamie Turley on how he takes his mind off the game by watching replays of Orient matches from two weeks ago. 

And happy birthday to... self-proclaimed club historian Neilson Kaufman, whose tireless work in deleting any Wikipedia mentions of Orient books not written by himself should always be heralded. 

Leyton Orient 2 Gateshead 0, 1/12/18

A game which... began with Orient's 11 players suffering collectively from the extreme chronic fatigue caused by playing 90 minutes of football once or occasionally twice a week. As such, it looked very much like the game might be heading the way of the 0-0 draw with Aldershot, or worse, until Justin Edinburgh presumably bawled at half-time "DON'T YOU IDIOTS KNOW THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PROVIDING A SERVICE THAT OFFERS A DEGREE OF EXCLUSIVITY TO SUPPORTERS WHO PAY A PREMIUM?"

That seemed to do the trick. Well, that and another moment of magic from Josh Koroma and a juggernauting assist from James Alabi. Top of the league? Yep, we're having a laugh.

Praise be... Occasionally a young player comes through the ranks at Orient and lights up Brisbane Road with mercurial talent. The next day we sell that player to Norwich or Barnsley. No doubt Josh Koroma will go on to bigger and better things, but let's enjoy him while it lasts. Today's goal was yet another twisty-turny treasure, and if it wasn't for the extreme chronic fatigue I suspect he would have celebrated by running all the way to Bromley to laugh in George Porter's face.

Taxi for... With another table-topping victory under our belts, it would be unnecessarily cruel of me to single out a low-performing player from today's game. So that's exactly what I'll do: Sam Ling. Rubbish. What's that – he wasn't match fit? Yeah, tell that to the supporters who pay a premium.

In the dug out... "I hold my hands up and admit that I majorly fucked up the team selection," said Justin Edinburgh after Tuesday's draw with Aldershot, officially the worst result ever in the history of the club. Did he, though? Or is it probably acceptable that we don't win every single game? Personally if I was the manager of a team that had amassed 50 points in 23 games I'd select the same players over and over again until they bled through their eyes. Which, coincidentally, is what happened to me when I tried my first bottle of vino from the new Orient Wine Club last night.



Are we going to get promoted? Well, frankly if you're blessed with a striker who'll probably score 30-odd goals if he doesn't get injured, one of the league's brightest young attacking talents, a rock solid defence and, weirdly, Craig Clay then probably even Fabio Liverani could get us up to League Two. I jest, naturally, because a lot of the credit has to go to Justin Edinburgh for instilling the spirit and getting the team to play as it does – and Liverani would of course still be playing Bradley Pritchard on the right wing.

Meanwhile... And so to the Legends Lounge debacle. Quick summary: If you drink a pint of your own piss, or run naked across the pitch, or watch Orient's 2002/03 season review DVD, you become an "Orient Legend" and are allowed to drink in the Legends Lounge in the West Stand, which is modelled on the waiting lounge of a regional airport in the 1970s. Non-legend fans are also allowed in the bar after matches and mix with the legends and possibly some celebrity ex-players like Marc Laird or Billy Beall.



This week the club hierarchy decided to end the practice of allowing the plebs to mix with the aristocracy on the basis that legends should expect some sort of exclusivity and to have a post-match pint without some fucking peasant from the South Stand asking for a selfie. Then literally three or four people mildly questioned whether this was a good idea and the club immediately did an about turn and reversed the decision.

Anyway, I think I have a solution. The club should absolutely "provide a service that offers a degree of exclusivity to supporters who pay a premium" so perhaps everyone else should be forced to leave each game after 85 minutes to ensure the "legends" can enjoy the final moments in relative peace? You're welcome.