The 10 good things about the 2014/15 season

Cheer up you miserable fuckers. Just because we got relegated, have alienated all our players, have an uncertain future and are the laughing stock of the football world, it’s not all bad. In fact, there were plenty of good things about his season. Well, ten anyway, if you really scrape the bottom of a barrel. Here they are… 

1. The arrival of the most handsome man in football. If not the world… 

It's a novel approach for a football club to employ a professional interpreter and then ask him to be goalkeeping coach in his spare time. But never mind that, for it was enough to stare into Rob Gagliardi's dreamy eyes and be beguiled by his long, flowing locks as he calmly translated the demented ramblings of Fabio Liverani into English. Gagliardi is possibly one of the reasons the Orient players were entirely unable to concentrate throughout each game, for if someone that thunderingly handsome is delivering the team talk who can blame them for taking to the pitch with all sorts of conflicting emotions?

2. The second coming of Marvin Bartley 

There’s only one Orient player who can claim to have had a better season than last, and that’s Marvin Bartley, baby. The reason is that for the midfielder to have had a worse season than last, he’d have had to have scored 47 own goals or accidentally sliced off Kevin Lisbie’s legs with a kitchen knife. Still, improvement must be applauded and there were few sights as thrilling this season as Marvin Bartley bludgeoning his way through the midfield towards goal and almost certain dispossession. If he keeps improving at this rate by 2032 we’re going to have a hell of a fifth-choice central midfielder in our squad. 

3. The hallucinogenic madness of the man of the match awards

Dagnall: played out of his skin

In seasons past a couple of representatives from the matchday sponsors would rock up at Brisbane Road, try to be polite about the quality of the food in Theo’s restaurant and then award the man of the match to Dean Cox. Job done. Not this season though, where the man of the match awards have become some sort of avant-garde parody of the club. Against Crewe, for example, Chris Dagnall scored about 11 goals, made 39 assists and played out of his skin to such an extent he was tearing around the pitch in a blur of veins, arteries and mucus. Despite all that, the sponsors gave the man of the match award to Romain Vincelot, who was at the time back home watching his beard. 

4. The Orient podcasts

E10 Mess and a walking, talking bad hair day 

It’s typical isn’t it. You wait forever for an Orient podcast then four turn up at once. But what a pleasure it was to follow our catastrophe of a season in the company of Orient Ramble, E10 Mess, Orient Outlook and Whipps Cross Weekly. Each had its own unique charm – E10 Mess’s hilarious tribute songs; Whipp Cross Weekly’s incisive analysis; Orient Outlook’s revealing interviews; and Orient Ramble’s lengthy diversions into the merits of various savoury snacks – and each deserves a lot of credit for the amount of effort put in by their creators. 

5. The enigma of Gianvito Plasmati

Gianvito Plasmati 

If there’s one player who can hold his head up high this season, it’s Gianvito Plasmati. Only in the literal sense though: he's 6ft 6in. He introduced himself to Brisbane Road by emitting a bloodcurdling scream and poleaxing himself to the ground after hearing a whispered insult from a Preston midfielder. It went downhill from there, though it’s hard to dislike a guy who despite his many limitations played each game with all the bounding enthusiasm of a retarded cocker spaniel. He’ll probably tear up League Two.

6. The comeuppance of Jamie Jones and George Porter

Whatever possessed Jamie Jones to send (and then hastily delete) a tweet goading the fans of the club that gave him his chance in professional football and paid his wages for six seasons? Probably amoeba-like levels of stupidity. Still, the last laugh was on us as the goalkeeper was unceremoniously shipped out on loan from Preston. See you in League Two, Scouse! George Porter, meanwhile, is a bell-end of monumental proportions, but after mocking his former club’s relegation was on the receiving end of this zinger from Craig Delew: “From Burnley to Maidstone, if Carlsberg did failed careers..." 

7. Tell ‘em about the honey, Andrea

Andrea Dossena

Remember Andrea Dossena's volleyed scissor kick from the touchline in his home debut? Well that was the solitary highlight of the ex-Liverpool star's season as he subsequently took it upon himself to try to single-handedly relegate the club with defending of the most kamikaze order. So it was with much mirth that Orient fans greeted the news that Dossena had been arrested over a jar of Harrods honey, entirely forgetting to pay for it almost as if he was supposed to be marking it at a corner. Thereon the jokes wrote themselves: “Hope he hires a good lawyer because he’s no good at defending himself.” And so forth.

8. The performances of Eldin Jakupovic Mk II

What’s the world record for the number of goals conceded by a football club in a single season? Well, whatever it is Orient would have beaten it in 2014/15 were it not for the magnificence of Alex Cisak. With a defence failing calamitously to get to grips with zonal marking, the goalkeeper must have felt like a president being assassinated by knife-wielding assailants while his bodyguards fiercely guarded random patches of ground nearby. That he is even spoken about in the same breath as Eldin Jakupovic is testament to his contribution. 

9. The die-hard fantaticism of Giulia Salemi 

Giulia Salemi has been a die-hard fan of Leyton Orient since birth and has religiously followed the fortunes of the club her whole life by sometimes reading the BBC Sport website. It was for this reason she was chosen as the co-host of the Italian reality show “Leyton Orient". Coincidentally she is also a former Miss Italia and a model of some repute. Coincidentally she also just fired her agent. What to make of all of this? Well, why don’t you ask her yourself? She’s bound to be in the Coach and Horses before our key relegation clash with Barnet next season. 

10. The ever-patient Orient fans

Yes, that’s you lot. In a season in which the club didn’t bother to communicate, collaborate or try to win any matches the vast majority of Orient fans have shown vast wells of resilience and good humour. 1-0 down against Rochdale away, staring down the barrel of League Two and you were still singing your hearts out. Nearly 1,000 of you turned up to watch Orient get relegated at Swindon. And even when you were frustrated, you showed it in a uniquely Orient way, as captured in the tweet of the season from Craig Rodhouse: “Only at Orient. A fan throws his season ticket at the bench on the last home game of the season. We know how to protest.” 

Leyton Orient 3 Gillingham 3, 6/4/15

A game which... began with Andrea Dossena embarking on a crazed kamikaze mission to single-handedly relegate Orient; continued with a heroic last stand by Alex Cisak; and ended with a late Darius Henderson-inspired rally to rescue an unlikely point.

Thing is though, Orient shouldn't have to be rescuing a point at home to an average side like Gillingham but yet again our statuesque defending and wastefulness on the ball was our undoing. Sure, in the last 20 minutes we built up a head of steam – much as you would if you tried to heat up a swimming pool with a box of matches – but last-ditch fight-backs may not be enough to save Orient from relegation if we continue to be this sloppy at the back.

Josh Wright celebrates his goal 

Jump off your seat moment... Another game, another vital goal for The Only Way Is Essex reject Josh "Mark's brother" Wright. And boy did he celebrate – whooping and gesticulating like a hormonal teenager at his first Marbella boat party. Good work Josh!

Give that man a medal... Alex Cisak has impressed since coming in on loan from Burnley and appears to have given the Orient defence so much confidence that they are happy to stand around letting opposition players shoot freely at him for 90 consecutive minutes. The big Aussie must feel like he's ventured into the searing heat of the Outback with just four warm cans of Fosters for all the use his back line is, but today he was Jakupovic-esque and pulled off a series of crucial saves.

Andrea Dossena: Casual 

Taxi for... Andrea Dossena. The guy's clearly got class but the way he defends is so casual he might as well take to the pitch fully decked out in Stone Island clobber. With Gary Sawyer out for the rest of the season the Italian is going to have to start earning his dosh – fast. And when I say "fast" I mean "slightly quicker than ambling disinterestedly back towards the penalty area", which would be an improvement on today.

"Fuck the technical shit"... Now, it's easy to criticise team selection with the benefit of hindsight... so that's exactly what I'm going to do. Number one: after a battling clean sheet against Coventry, why drop Nathan Clarke for an out-of-match-practice Shane Lowry? Number two: Why rush Lloyd James back into the side when other options – Taylor? Bartley? Hell, even Pritchard (just kidding) – were available? Number three: Why leave McAnuff on the bench when he's been our most in-form winger of the last couple of months? Liverani still hasn't sorted out our defending of set pieces either. Apart from all that, love the guy!

Meanwhile on Twitter... "After setting off at the same time I did last week I'm an hour and fifteen minutes early" tweeted a clearly bewildered Darius Henderson before the game, almost as if he had never before encountered the phenomenon of external factors influencing the outcome of events. Next week: Darius becomes overheated and agitated while wearing a thick winter's coat on a sunny April day. "I didn't have this problem when I wore it in December," he tweets, highly confused.

Leyton Orient 1 Bristol City 3, 3/3/15

Leyton Orient

A game which... left fans feeling both sorry for and proud of Leyton Orient, much in the way you may have patronisingly cheered on Eric the Eel in the Sydney Olympics. Yep, it was always going to be difficult for the Os to overcome a rampant, high-flying Bristol City but, hey, at least they didn't drown.

In fact, the home side did even better than that, fashioning the better of the chances and at times dominating play. But – surprise, surprise – Orient were hoisted on the petard of their own inability to defend properly for 90 unbroken minutes. Still, if we play like that against teams less clinical than the Robins then there's still a chance we won't be the ones left flailing round in the relegation zone while everyone else races to the finishing line.

Jump off your seat moment... Have you ever seen a giraffe try to tap dance? Or a sea-lion do the splits? Or a lamppost attempt a pirouette? Well, never mind, because if you were at Brisbane Road you would have seen Gianvito Plasmati perfectly execute a bicycle kick and for that you are truly, truly blessed.

Give that man a medal... If Jobi McAnuff's post-injury return to the side in 2015 was a film, it would be The Godfather Part II – a sequel far superior to the original. That said, McAnuff's early season performances were hardly The Godfather, were they? More like Run For Your Wife starring Danny Dyer, Denise Van Outen and the blonde one from Girls Aloud. What I'm trying to say here is McAnuff was good again tonight. And earlier this season he was shit.

Taxi for... Oh Mathieu Baudry. So elegant, so handsome, so cultured... so prone to momentary lapses in concentration that lead directly to opposition goals. The Frenchman almost opened up an alternate timeline of doom when he messily gave away a penalty against Oldham, and tonight his errors – once in failing to shepherd the ball out and once in giving away a pointless foul – gave Bristol two opportunities to score. Cuthbert back in central defence next week anyone?

"Fuck the technical shit"... So, everyone likes Fabio Liverani now that he made a couple of mild jokes at the Meet The Manager night? Christ, you lot are fickle. But, to be fair to the Italian, he does now seem to have figured out who his players are and what position they're actually supposed to play in. What do you mean that's a minimum requirement for a football manager? There's no pleasing some people.

Meanwhile on Twitter... A touching thank you tweet to Andrea Dossena from Orient fan Jan, who received a bunch of flowers from the suave Italian to say sorry for nearly killing her with a miscued shot. Imagine if Adrian Patulea had offered similar sentiments every time he skewed one into the crowd – he'd have had to buy a stake in Interflora.

Leyton Orient 0 Fleetwood Town 1, 10/1/15

A game which... served as a timely reality check for Leyton Orient. After back-to-back victories against two of the worst sides in the division there was much posturing about a push for the play-offs. Nothing wrong with a bit of ambition, but as things stand it's about as convincing as taking a light stroll up Buckhurst Hill then claiming to be fully qualified to ascend Mount Everest.

Is there even a hill in Buckhurst? Doesn't matter, for what was evident from this flaccid loss to Fleetwood is that this is a team still struggling to gel – no surprise really given they're on their fourth manager of the season – and that before they go climbing any mountains they should probably learn to pass to each other a bit better.

Jump off your seat moment... The injury-time moment when Stephen Crainey inexplicably bundled Bradley Pritchard off the ball one yard inside the penalty area almost as if he believed the Orient midfielder was an actual threat. That the referee and linesman then bottled the decision prevented Gianvito Plasmati from converting a spot kick equaliser and hence booking himself a place in the starting XI for the certain loss to Preston on Friday and a guest appearance on the hit Italian reality show Leyton Orient: All'interno Del Circo.

Romain Vincelot 

Give that man a medal... Today Romain Vincelot dived into the sea of mediocrity in which his team mates were swimming and tried to single-handedly drag them all onto the shore like a heroic lifeguard. By which I mean the pitch was a bit wet and the Frenchman was slightly better than everyone else. Normal metaphor service will resume next week.

Taxi for... Fabio Liverani has a novel way of incentivising Andrea Dossena to actually do his job (outside of the, you know, £12k or so a week he's paid to do so). Whenever the Italian left back made a mistake the manager very conspicuously asked Gary Sawyer to warm up. That meant Gary Sawyer had to warm up a lot, because Dossena had his poorest game so far in an Orient shirt. (Case for the prosecution: Fleetwood's only two proper chances outside of their goal came as a result of the Italian losing his man.) Still, none of that stopped Stevenage-based graphic design agency Alchemy Creations awarding him man of the match, almost as if they were trying to inject an element of dark satirical irony. Either that or they weren't actually present.

"Fuck the technical shit"... "Two penalties, big house, in the box" said Fabio Liverani after the game, suggesting that he's already more intelligible than Chris Dagnall when speaking English. Fair play to him though for trying 19 different formations during the game, albeit to no discernible effect. He's passionate too and when Orient conceded he obliterated a water bottle, screamed "Lowry! Lowry! Lowry!" repeatedly and threw his hands up to the Gods as if to say "What have I done to deserve this defence?" Got himself sent off too, which was pretty punchy. I think I kind of like him...

Meanwhile on Twitter... Respect to the boys at E10 Mess podcast who literally stalked our Il Presidente Francesco Becchetti all the way to Italy and found him discussing intimate details about potential Orient transfer targets with one of his most trusted advisors.

Leyton Orient 4 Crewe Alexandra 1, 22/11/14

A game in which... Orient finally threw the monkey – I say monkey, more like a King Kong-sized gorilla – off their back and won a league game at home. Yes, today the players beat their chests and roared, putting in a performance that bristled with energy and impetus.

Particularly pleasing was the reappearance of some of the elements we've been missing from last season – "passing", "defending" and "scoring", for example – and the fact that even when Crewe got one back we didn't totally fall apart. Much to enjoy.

Jump off your seat moment... The jaw dropping moment in the first half when our new left back attempted a mid-air volleyed shot from the touch line about 40 yards out. Who the hell does he think he is, Andrea Dossena of Liverpool, Napoli and the Italian national team? Seriously though, this guy has more than a touch of class, and if that's what £12,000 a week of Albanian waste management money gets you, I'm all for it.

Give that man a medal... Excellent stuff from Vincelot, Mooney, Wright and more, but Lord Almighty, where did that performance from Chris Dagnall come from? The bearded goal-nipper was everywhere, scampering around like he'd just ingested a bucket-load of street ketamine and was trying to gain entry to every single Liverpool nightclub in the space of 90 minutes. This was not only his best display in an Orient shirt, but possibly the best display by anyone ever in an Orient shirt, or even the best display by any footballer in all of history. Which brings me to...

Taxi for... the match sponsors Anderson Travel. One can only imagine how many bottles of Theo's restaurant's famous paint stripper-flavoured wine they had drunk before deciding that Chris Dagnall's one beautiful goal and THREE ASSISTS did not merit their man of the match award. Sure, their recipient Romain Vincelot played well too, but his mantelpiece is already straining under the weight of the 48 awards he received from the Supporters' Club for his 48 appearances last season. Let's hope Anderson Travel don't apply the same logic for awarding man of the match to their coach trips. "Oh, you wanted Cornwall mate? We're taking you to Bradford instead. Same difference, hey?"

"Fuck the technical shit"... Mauro Milanese once again saved his job by not losing two games in a row, and this time he did it in style. Clearly he's trying to get his Orient team to play the ball along the floor, which is nice. He also seems to have figured out how to stop us conceding from set pieces, principally by getting Kevin Dearden to yell madly from the touchline to tell each player who they should be marking. And with in-form Simpson and Lowry both to come back, things are looking brighter at Brisbane Road.

Meanwhile on Twitter... ADAM LEGZDINS HAS BEEN ARRESTED! As this mug shot demonstrates, it seems our hipster keeper has been in trouble with the law. What could have been his crime? Speeding down Dalston High Street on his hipster unicycle? Forgetting to pay for his cold-pressed organic soy milk latte? Not having enough tattoos of swallows? No, actually, this is just a promo shot for Adam's hipster barber. At ease everyone.