Johnstone's Paint Trophy: Stevenage 3 Leyton Orient 2, 12/11/13

A game which… closely resembled a teenage couple's first evening alone: a heady rush of excitement at the beginning despite the schoolboy errors, some awkward fumbling and then 45 minutes of standing around looking embarrassed.

Yes, who apart from everyone in the world could have guessed that with Gary Sawyer at centre back Orient would be 2-0 down within 10 minutes? And while the Os rallied throughout the rest of the first half they ultimately found themselves unable to break down Stevenage's ten men in the second. Bit of a strange game, but no great disaster to be out of the Johnstone's Paint Trophy this season.

Moment of magic… The moment Lloyd James wrestled the ball from David Mooney to take our penalty. The Irish striker has missed 100 per cent of his last two spot kicks which was reason enough for the Welsh midfielder to step up and very nearly cock it up himself.

Graham Westley

Moment of madness… Every single moment that referee James Adcock made a decision. And I don't mean that in the sense that Orient were hard done by. In fact, Graham Westley could well have complained about Stevenage's red card and the penalty decision against them – and probably would have done if at the time he wasn't still rolling around on the floor screaming, crying and soiling his nappy about an Orient throw in that had been taken four centimetres higher up the pitch than it should have been.

Top gun... Comparing the Lloyd James of today with the Lloyd James that was run ragged against Tranmere in August 2012 is like comparing a gourmet meal at Heston Blumenthal's Fat Duck restaurant to a steaming pile of vomit. The midfielder is now the cog that makes Orient turn and tonight showed that even in adversity his intelligent passing is crucial to the team's attacking impetus. 

Jimmy Smith: fuming

Little donkey... You can say one thing about Jayden Stockley: he certainly does a lot of jumping. Then again so does a tree frog, and you wouldn't play that up front alongside David Mooney, even in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy. It would be rude of me not to mention Stevenage right back Jimmy Smith too, who has got himself a mohican since leaving Brisbane Road. "My team mates told me we were going out for an Indian," said Jimmy. "I didn't realise they meant Red Indian. I was fuming."   

In the dug out... "If they'd got any deeper, they'd have required snorkels," said Russell Slade of Stevenage's defending, saving me from the bother of coming up with my own rubbish metaphor. But you can hardly blame a team down to 10 men trying to protect their lead. It seemed, however, that the Os manager was unsure whether he really wanted to win the game or not. He put out a relatively strong side, yet when chasing the game chose to take off Mooney and Batt rather than the less effective Jayden Stockley. "We are only going to be successful if we taste failure," he added cryptically, thus explaining away the entire 2011/12 season. 

View from the opposition... "Best win in years," wrote menacingly-named Stevenage fan Chuds on the Borochat forum. "Most satisfying for a long time. They disgust me. Their fans and their players, and their chairman are all utterly despicable." Blimey. One can only imagine how excitable Chuds will be if Stevenage win anything more significant than a Johnstone's Paint Trophy area quarter-final. 

Daryl McMahon: Bjorn again

Tweet of the week... "It's getting to that time of year check shirt, big boots and @MumfordAndSons on in the motor on the way to work," wrote one-time Orient midfielder Daryl McMahon this week, almost as if the concepts of fashion and music had never existed. And what is Daryl up to these days? By the look of his profile pic, he's moonlighting in an Abba tribute band. 

Stevenage 0 Leyton Orient 1, 17/8/13

Stevenage line up for kick off

A game in which... Orient proved a match for a team that presumably prepared by eating a
bowl of raw nails, downing 10 pints of Maximuscle and strapping horseshoes to their hooves.

Yep, Stevenage are a Graham Westley side through and through and as such the challenge was as psychotically agricultural as ever. Luckily Orient were up for ruck and - though it wasn't pretty - in its own way this was just as an impressive a victory as the mauling of Shrewsbury a week earlier.

Moment of magic... The calamitous chain of events in the second half that began with a rare moment of dawdling by Nathan Clarke, leading to a wrongly-awarded Stevenage corner followed by a goalmouth scramble that saw Kevin Lisbie slice the ball onto the underside of the crossbar before Jamie Jones weakly managed to punch away. Why was this a moment of magic? Because it meant that in five attempts a Graham Westley team has yet to score a goal against Orient. Shame.

Moment of madness... The moment when the Stevenage match programme editor inexplicably sent this week's edition off to print containing an article by Stuart Govier on "Leyton Orient favourite" Bobby Moore. Expect us to return the favour when the Boro visit Brisbane Road with a feature on Stevenage legend Stanley Matthews and a look back at those great days when George Best turned out at the Lamex.

Top gun... At kick off you could have forgiven the Orient team a flicker of doubt over their ability to face down 10 eye-bulging man-giants and Jimmy Smith. The away side needed a chest-beating captain's performance and they got one from Nathan Clarke who (the aforementioned indiscretion aside) was resolute in the face of clear and present physical danger throughout.

Little donkey... Romain Vincelot, on the other hand, approached the game by taking every available opportunity to throw himself to the floor like an overly-eager actor auditioning for the role of "wounded soldier" in a re-enactment of the Storming of the Bastille.

The management... For the first time in his entire career, Russell Slade has figured out how to win games at the start of the season, rather than the end. "The answer was staring me in the face," said the manager after the match. "Just don't sign Michael Symes."

View from the opposition... "They have strengths and weaknesses and I will pick a team to exploit that," said Graham Westley before selecting Jimmy Smith at right back to face his old club. Since Smith himself is no longer on Twitter we can only imagine what is going through the former Orient man's head. I'll take a stab at: "#fuming 2day but crib loooking goood trim later go Faces be brave".

Tweet of the week... Great to see our illustrious leader Barry Hearn putting Twitter to good use. Earlier in the season he secured the signing of Shaun Batt off the back of this tweet: "Look, Battman, no one else wants you so you might as well sign for us. Lol." (I'm paraphrasing slightly.) Before the kick of the Premier League this weekend he took to baiting Hammers fans with this: "Good luck to West Ham today #myfavouritenurseryclub" - a jibe that Leyton Orient legend Bobby Moore would surely have appreciated.

Away day magic... Fittingly today's game appeared to be sponsored by the actual Apocalypse - and certainly the walk from Stevenage Railway Station to the Lamex would suggest that the holy Armageddon has indeed begun in this small Hertfordshire town.

Leyton Orient 2 MK Dons 0, 13/4/13

Andy D'Urso

A game in which... Referee Andy D'Urso ran around blowing his whistle like he was at an early 90s rave off his nut on ecstasy - and in the brief interludes in which he allowed some football to break out Orient managed to score two goals. Demented officiating aside, this was a hugely impressive and deserved victory against one of the division's big hitters. 

Moment of magic... A goal from the most unlikely Leyton Orient player. No, not Michael Symes but left back Gary Sawyer. The former Bristol Rovers man has been a quietly efficient performer this season and his first club goal was just reward for another classy display. 

Lee Cook on the bench today

Moment of madness... Russell Slade's decision to bring on Lee Cook into cold and rainy conditions when the winger was perfectly content sitting on the bench Googling cheap holiday options in Marbella on his iPhone. However, contrary to all expectations Cook actually put in a hell of a shift and nearly set up a couple more goals with his pinpoint crosses into the box. 

Knight in shining armour... Superb performances from Jamie Jones and Nathan Clarke in particular today, but the shining star was Romain Vincelot. Though his appearance suggests he's spent the previous night engaged in a particularly strenuous session of lovemaking at a backstreet Parisian brothel, he's rock solid in central defence and today repelled the MK Dons attack flawlessly. 

Pantomime horse... If football matches lasted 15 minutes then Jimmy Smith would be Fifa World Player of the Year, such is the ferocious intensity with which he plays the first quarter of an hour. Today's early-game cameo included a backheel to Moses Odubajo that was so cheeky it's a wonder MK Dons left back Dean Lewington didn't slap him round the face for his impudence. Unfortunately, as is so often the case, Smith played the remaining 75 minutes like a dwarf playing piggy in the middle against the Harlem Globetrotters. 

In the dug out... You've got to hand it to Russell, in a must-win game he threw all caution to the wind. Admittedly to him throwing all caution to the wind is leaving Lloyd James on the bench, but nonetheless the manager deserves huge plaudits for dragging his team one point away from the play-offs with two games to go. He even got a bear hug from Kevin Dearden for his troubles today, an experience something akin to a jellyfish being crushed in an industrial vice. 

View from the opposition... "Poor match, poor effort by the players," writes MK Dons fan Matthew Fensome. "Why this again when we could at least have tried to win?"

You're a girl, you like pink. Right? 

Meanwhile on Twitter... Today the official Leyton Orient Twitter feed showed that the club are doing their bit to drag feminism into the 18th century by tweeting a product from their new women's range - a pink hat. After all, girls couldn't possibly wear the same colour hats as men, could they? Also available are a pink Orient apron, a pink Orient feather duster and a book entitled The Orient Guide To The Offside Rule For Women (pink cover). Girl power! 

Statto corner... Kevin Lisbie's 16 league goals this season come from just 20 starts, a goals-to-games ratio bettered only by Ryan Jarvis during his first loan spell with the club in 2007. "Getting close to Jarvis has always been one of my ambitions," said a humble Lisbie after today's game. "Jarvis Cocker, that is."

Stevenage 0 Leyton Orient 1, 2/2/13

A game which... was a momentous one for Leyton Orient fans, for after years of enduring the woeful likes of Sam Parkin, James Scowcroft, Calvin Andrew and Michael Symes, we finally got to witness a 'big striker' doing things like 'winning headers', 'using his strength' and 'causing problems'. Yes, Shaun Batt is the sort of imposing target man that Martin Ling has lurid, lascivious dreams about at night, only to wake up the next morning to the horrific reality that he's actually signed Ryan Jarvis.

In his 65 minutes on the pitch the Millwall loanee helped create chance after chance for Charlie MacDonald to fluff, allowing Orient to record an impressive away win to which the 1-0 scoreline doesn't do justice - it could have been many more.

David Mooney

Moment of magic... An outrageous bit of skill by David Mooney who, with no one near him, somehow managed to nutmeg himself and tread on the ball, thus ending up spreadeagled on the ground like a baby giraffe that's just tried - and failed - to take its first tentative steps. Altogether now: "There's only one David Mooney / One David Mooney / He used to be shite, now he's still mostly shite but sometimes alright / Walking in a Mooney wonderland..."`

Moment of madness... You can see why Russell Slade wanted to keep Jimmy Smith fresh ahead of Tuesday's big game against Southend, but resting him actually on the pitch in midfield was a bit bizarre.

Knight in shining armour... With Ben Chorley lining up for the opposition ("I didn't want to leave, but when Sweens borrowed a bit of my shower gel without asking in 2010 I knew there was no way back") it allowed Scott Cuthbert to prove that he's the best central defender at the club apart from Mathieu Baudry. Yes, the craggy Scot was immense - just as he was against Stevenage last season - and whenever a stray ball spooned up off of Anthony Griffith's shin, Cuthbert was there to mop it up.

Not Jamie Jones

Pantomime horse... What has happened to Jamie Jones? Where once he used to command his penalty area with all the confidence of a youthful Warren Beatty strutting into a cheerleaders' convention, now he quivers under crosses like a late-developing teenager fumbling with his very first bra strap. He's still a great shot-stopper, mind (and pulled off two classy saves in this match), but is all over the place when coming off his line.

In the dug out... What a joy it must have been for Russell Slade to rest players in advance of an important cup game and still field a team capable of winning away from home. Had Geraint Williams tried a similar thing his second string would have had to include Adrien Patulea, Loick Pires and a 6ft blow-up doll on wheels. Or worse, Mike Cestor.

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Cox almost messed up that simple goal" tweeted fan Daniel Boyce after the game, a sentiment echoed by fellow tweeter Simon Weston who chimed "Well said mate". But little did they expect the man himself to be meticulously trawling Twitter for any mention of his name: "Well said mate?" replied Tiny, in what's known in the social media world as "Doing a Jimmy Smith".

Statto corner... In Ben Chorley's 131 appearances for the club, Orient conceded 197 goals. Responsibility for the mistakes that led to those goals were as follows:

179 Leon McSweeney
8 Jamie Jones
6 Scott Cuthbert
4 Stephen Purches
0 Ben Chorley

(Statistics © Ben Chorley)

Leyton Orient 2 Preston North End 0, 24/11/12

Preston line up for kick off

A game in which... Orient proved to Graham Westley for the third time in a row that when it comes to winning football matches, size isn't everything. Presumably the home side had prepared for the game by attempting to dribble round skyscrapers and slide-tackle tanks, and it paid off. The Os out-fought and out-played the opposition and - I can't believe I'm actually writing this - took their chances while Preston didn't. And what a thoroughly enjoyable victory it was.

Moment of magic... An extraordinary sequence towards the end of the second half in which Preston had approximately 52 chances to score within the space of 15 seconds, but failed to convert any of them. Ryan Allsop - heroic again today - pulled off two blinding saves and at one point the ball skidded from one post to another, but somehow stayed out of the net. So, yes, Orient rode their luck at times but God knows we're due some. The last time good fortune smiled on Brisbane Road was back in 1923 when clumping wing-half Tommy "Dickers" Dixon inadvertently scored off his backside while bending over to throw up the 17 pints of milk stout he'd consumed that morning.

Preston's Jack King attempts a bicycle kick

Moment of madness... The moment in the first half when Preston's gargantuan midfielder Jack King tried - and spectacularly failed - to execute an audacious Ibrahimovic-esque bicycle kick in the Orient penalty area. It was like watching a slowly dying beached whale attempt a somersault.

Knight in shining armour... A fine team performance today, but let's take the chance to herald the renaissance of Ben Chorley. Last season, if you recall, the central defender focused most of his attention on plotting to oust Leon McSweeney from the club for heinous crimes such as "sneezing a little too often" and "sometimes blinking a bit much". This campaign he's concentrating on what he does best: pulling his shorts up to his midriff and battering the hell out of opposition strikers. Long may it continue.

Pantomime horse... No bad performances from anyone in an Orient shirt, so let's give the award to Graham Westley. The Preston manager is apparently so convinced that match officials are 'prejudiced' against his psychopathic teams that today instead of substituting one of his own players he replaced referee Andy Davies with the fourth official near the start of the second half.

Russell Slade

In the dug out... It's difficult to know what to make of Russell Slade's ability to take Orient down to new levels of abomination and then - just when it looks like his number might be up - turn it around with five wins in a row. But it looks like the manager has finally figured out what his best team is and - incredibly - that team contains David Mooney and Lloyd James (both excellent today). Is it luck? Is it judgement? Is he an evil genius planning to take over the world? No one knows. Probably least of all Russell himself.

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Can't wait to get my haircut at the end of the week" tweeted injured goalkeeper Lee Butcher on Tuesday, suggesting that he's struggling to find pleasure during his spell on the sidelines. "It's always nice to get home from a long drive" he reported on Thursday after presumably doing a few circuits of the M25 for kicks. Things went from bad to worse on Friday: "What a mistake that was thinking I should try something new at Starbucks. Eggnog not good." Don't worry, though, Os' fans - Butch has apparently invited Michael Symes over on Sunday for a couple of hours watching paint dry.

Statto corner... The last time Orient kept a clean sheet at home was in a game against Tranmere Rovers in 2010. Some of Jimmy Smith's stale aftershave had rubbed off on the goalpost, causing the visiting strikers to steer well clear, much as the girls of Faces nightclub, Gants Hill, would avoid the midfielder later that same evening.

Leyton Orient 2 Shrewsbury Town 1, 10/11/12

A game which... was the footballing proof of the theorem that states if a monkey randomly hits the keys of a typewriter for an infinite amount of time, eventually it will produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Yes, this season Orient have spent what feels like an eternity propelling the ball in the vague direction of the opposition goal and today thanks to the law of probability it actually went in. Twice.

At times they played some nice football too. At times they played some shit football, mind, and while we should celebrate a much-needed victory, it's still only tissue-papering over some Grand Canyon-sized cracks.

Moment of magic... David Mooney's through ball to Moses Odubajo that led to Orient's penalty and first goal at Brisbane Road since 1963. The Irishman seems to divide opinion among fans - some think he's abysmal while others believe he's merely hopeless - but he does have an ability to be both sublime and ridiculous. Today he showed great skill and jaw-dropping ineptitude - usually within the same move. It's like watching Placido Domingo try to sing Olly Murs songs.

Russell Slade selecting today's team

Moment of madness... The point when - thanks to a mistake by the fourth official - it appeared that Russell Slade was going to bring Ryan Brunt on to play at right back in place of Moses Odubajo. Admittedly the manager's selection policy of late (which presumably sees him writing the players' names onto a square peg then manically trying to sledgehammer it through a round hole before giving up and declaring, "Fuck it - Lloyd James in centre midfield") is borderline insane, but even he wouldn't be mad enough to play a striker in defence. He did once play right back Syam Ben Youssef up front, mind.

Knight in shining armour... Kevin Lisbie. If by some miracle we actually avoid relegation this season then our star striker is probably going to be the reason behind it. He's not going to find it easy, though - with the likes of Lloyd James and Jimmy Smith providing the ammunition it's a bit like sending a solider into battle armed with only a Michael Buble CD and a packet of blancmange.

Pantomime horse... Lee Cook's cringeworthy dive in the penalty area makes him a good candidate, though he's excused thanks to the quality of some of his crosses. Why don't we instead ponder on what Jimmy Smith actually brings to the team? Ok, so that's a millisecond of your life you're never going to get back. I guess to be charitable you could say he 'fills a hole'. But then again so does a lump of concrete, and you wouldn't play that in midfield. Unless the only other option is Marc Laird.

In the dug out... Russell Slade turned his back, unable to watch, as Kevin Lisbie strode up to take Orient's penalty today, perhaps suggesting that the team actually play better when the manager isn't paying any attention. If he didn't turn up at all perhaps we could be top of the league?

View from the opposition... "Poor performance from both sides," says Shrewsbury fan Liam Hoofe. "Inability to defend is clearly costing both teams. Rodgers and Taylor were lively for us, Lisbie was impressive for Orient. Both teams will struggle this season. It could have gone either way."

Meanwhile on Twitter... This week saw a truly mindblowing stream of consciousness from everyone's favourite bringer of dinner and former Os' boss John Sitton. His rant careered from X Factor to the Middle East to Paul Burrell to mopeds to planning permission for reservoirs and trying to make sense of it was like figuring out what sort of gameplan one of Sitton's Orient teams were actually playing to. The main target for his wrath, however, turned out to be students: "Burger Pizza Booze.STD'S Marijuana & books" he tweeted, not inaccurately, before leaving all of his followers with this philosophical humdinger: "Marmalade. Why didn't they call it orange jam?"

Statto corner... Despite Russell Slade's midweek claim that Orient were just "inches away" from not being dire, if you total up the distance by which all of this season's failed attempts at goal missed their target, the line actually stretches from Leyton to just north of the planet Jupiter.

Leyton Orient 0 Coventry City 1, 27/10/12

A game which... began as a real Thriller, albeit only because of the Cheery Os' pre-match routine to the iconic Michael Jackson song. As a portent for what would follow a better choice would have been Useless by Depeche Mode, Frank Sinatra's Send In The Clowns or the Godsmack anthem I Fucking Hate You (although that one's less easy to dance to in hotpants).

Anyway, yeah, the football. Coventry were a poor side low on confidence - but luckily for them they met an even poorer one playing with abject fear. Two goals in the last seven games tells its own story, and while it's likely Orient will score before they're finally put out of business by an Olympic Stadium-residing West Ham, it is hard to see where a goal - let alone a win - is going to come from at the moment.

Moment of magic... Scott Wagstaff's backwards header in the first half that would have looped into the net had Coventry keeper Joe Murphy not just about managed to flap the ball into the path of David Mooney - presumably figuring that was a safer option than putting it out for a corner.

Moment of madness... Ryan Allsop's wince-inducing error that led to the Coventry goal. Sure, he let a tame shot spill out of his grasp, but the young stopper has been virtually flawless this season so we shouldn't punish him too much for the mistake. A couple of Chinese burns and a wedgie should suffice.

Knight in shining armour... David Mooney. Yes, it has come to this. The much-maligned striker (*guilty look*) was relatively lively and behind the few vague chances we actually had to score. That said, hailing David Mooney as the best player in a football team is a bit like claiming that Paris Hilton gives the stand out performance in a film. Chances are it's still going to be shit.

Pantomime horse... By his own standards, Dean Cox had a particularly bad game characterised by skewed shots and misplaced passes. Of course, for him playing at Brisbane Road must feel a bit like Jay-Z trying to rap with the Blazin' Squad, but if we have even the slightest chance of avoiding relegation then Tiny's going to have to find some way to raise his game.

In the dug out... Russell Slade's post-match comments are increasingly sounding like the deluded ravings of a madman. Today's gems included: "We created chances, that's the important thing." No, Russell, the "important thing" is actually scoring them. Or not always losing.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Apocalyptic news on Twitter this week as Jimmy Smith has packed his bags and #LEGOOOOO-ed into the social media sunset. For reasons unknown the midfielder has killed his account, leaving fans unsure as to whether at any given time he is "#fuming" or "gettin a trim #lookingoooood" or "game time #buzzing" or "treating the crib" or threatening fans with violence. For now, then, anyone who wants to get an insight into Jimmy's mind will have to make do with reading a 2004 copy of Zoo magazine.

Statto corner... The last time Orient scored as few goals in their first 16 games - just 11 so far - was back in 2008/09 when Martin Ling's increasingly deranged quest for a 'big striker' led him to play on-loan Sam Parkin alongside a 7ft step-ladder.

Leyton Orient 0 Sheffield United 1, 6/10/12

A game which... was such a spectacle that were it played in the Olympic Stadium then the literally dozens of new London Orient fans would be demanding their money back, despite the fact they had free tickets. But let's not get too despondent since for most of the 90 minutes the Os matched a team who are better resourced, better supported and, well, just better.

Remember, Orient did actually create a couple of chances and conceded only to a wonder strike. But it's fair to say that despite a recent run of good results, we're not quite the finished article. More a half-decent first paragraph that quickly descends into the sort of meaningless drivel you find on Jimmy Smith's Twitter feed. #LEGOOOO

Moment of magic... The neat interplay between Kevin Lisbie and Lee Cook that cued up Anthony Griffith to score from the edge of the area in the second half. Anthony Griffith didn't score, mind you, he skewed the shot towards the corner flag so apologetically it was like he was grovelling for forgiveness for daring to suggest that Blades' fan Sean Bean was "a bit shit" in The Lord of the Rings.

Moment of madness... Substitute David Mooney's decision to direct a few choice words at Kevin Dearden after it was decreed that Ryan Brunt, rather than Moons himself, was to replace Kevin Lisbie. It's great that the non-scoring Irishman showed some passion, but complaining to Orient's goalkeeping coach is a bit like harassing your local paper boy about the fact that the mainstream media isn't giving enough attention to climate change. It might be true, but there ain't much he can do about it.

Knight in shining armour... Kevin Lisbie, who gets so little service during games that for training he might as well just sit in restaurants being ignored by incompetent waitresses. Nonetheless when he is thrown a scrap he makes things happen, and God only knows where our attacking threat is going to come from if he's out injured for a while.

Pantomime horse... Michael Symes, who's so slow off the mark it appeared he was still chasing a knock down from the Stevenage game back in August. A somewhat baffling decision by Slade to bring on the man voted as the worst striker in the entire history of Rochdale FC instead of top scorer (two goals) Ryan Brunt, but since the laws of the game prevent him from rolling an enormous lump of Playdoh into the penalty area on a broken rollerskate he presumably regards Symes as the next best thing.

In the dug out... Today's starting formation of choice appeared to be a 4-3-2-1 that perfectly nullified the ability of Dean Cox and Lee Cook to create anything from the wings. Still, fair play to Russell he changed it round on 25 minutes to the 4-4-2 system that he and Kevin Nugent stole from the archives of the National Football Museum in the most dangerous Orient endeavour since Steve Castle tried to escape from Pizza Hut without paying for his deep pan Hawaiian.

Meanwhile on Twitter.... "I wonder what Jimmy Smith gets up to when he's not trimming his hair or training?" said no one ever. But nonetheless, thanks to the magic of Twitter, the Orient midfielder gave us a unique insight into how he passes the time. And apparently he passes the time by arranging air fresheners into tower-like structures in his kitchen. "#Home Chilling + Treated The Crib LoL #SmellsGooooood" he tweeted alongside this photo. Scott Cuthbert, however, was having none of it, replying, "the crib? Ure not an american rapper lad!" Quite.

Statto corner... When Leyton Orient decided to change their name to just Orient in 1966 they took to the pitch for their first home of the season against Scunthorpe with just eight players, as three new signings had got on the wrong bus at Stratford. "There was no clue in the name," said confused centre-half John "Snedders" Sneddon.

Tranmere Rovers 3 Leyton Orient 1, 18/8/12

A game in which… Orient 2012/13 did a pretty good impression of a football team. Unfortunately that football team was Orient 2011/12. Yes, this was a performance that picked off where last season ended: idea-less in the opponents’ half, susceptible in defence and lacking in cutting edge.

So while the gritty 6ft-plus ballwinners added to the team at least gives us a bit of bite in midfield, without any playmakers (like Matthew Spring) or someone to carry the ball forward (like Stephen Dawson), our ability to unlock an opposition defence is akin to a gang of safecrackers who turn up at Fort Knox armed with nothing but a feather duster and a blancmange.

Moment of magic… Slim pickings here, but let’s go for Michael Symes, who by the looks of him has never had slim pickings of anything in his life. Still, the former Rochdale man did at least convert the soft penalty awarded to Orient as a consolation.

Moment of madness… Tranmere’s decision to excessively time-waste when 3-0 up when they could quite easily have scored a hatful more. Hope you don’t miss out on the play-offs on goal difference, lads!

Knight in shining armour… Until he got injured, Scott Cuthbert was holding the defence together like a valiant firefighter putting out a raging inferno with his own bare hands while those around him flapped around aimlessly firing toy water pistols and throwing cups of Ribena.

Pantomime horse… No, not David Mooney today, but new right back Lloyd James. The new signing spent the first half hour repeatedly gifting the ball to the opposition as if he was in some sort of Olympic-inspired pageant-swapping ritual in which Tranmere refused to take part. Worse still, for the home side’s first goal right back Zoumana Bakayogo didn’t so much as leave him for dead, but battered him over the head with a blunt instrument and dumped him in the Wirral.

In the dug out… Kevin Nugent: “Hey Russ, we’re 2-0 down with 25 minutes to go and things don’t seem to be working – reckon we should change things round a bit? Maybe make a substitution? Perhaps bring on one of the two strikers you’ve only just signed?” Russell Slade: “That’s the sort of kneejerk tactical naivety I’d expect from you, Nuge. If big Clarko can stuff one in the mixer and big Moono can get on the… oh, they’ve scored again.”

Opposition view… Tranmere fan Paul Harper says, politely: “I thought Tranmere dominated for 70 minutes and played some good stuff. We scored three very good goals. Orient looked lacklustre until the final 20 minutes. They stepped it up at the end and threw people forward, but it was too little too late.”

Meanwhile on Twitter… Terrible news for Jimmy Smith when - as this picture he tweeted shows - he became stuck in a massage chair in an M1 service station for 27 hours and was thus unable to play in today's game. What - he was playing?! Did anyone see him? Did he do anything? 

Statto corner… This was Orient’s 26^th consecutive opening-day defeat, the last victory coming in 1986 when Terry Howard bamboozled the Brentford defence by wandering on to the pitch unnoticed 38 minutes into the game having been persuaded to watch ‘one last race’ at Walthamstow Dogs. 

Leyton Orient 0 Notts County 3, 6/4/12

A game in which… Orient didn’t so much as shoot themselves in the foot, but blasted off their whole legs with a bazooka. Make no mistake, for the first 65 minutes this was a much improved performance in which the Os not only retained possession but also – unlike the games against Charlton and Huddersfield – created numerous chances. The fact that they couldn't convert any of them or avoid conceding three goals at the other end, however, means that we are utterly doomed.

Moment of magic… The sweeping counter-attack early in the second half that teed up Jimmy Smith on the edge of the area. That he put his shot wide demonstrated that there was more chance of Jonathan Tehoue ordering ‘Just the salad for me, thanks’ at the Pizza Hut all-you-can-eat buffet than Orient actually getting the ball in the back of the net.

Orient's defence

Moment of madness… That horrifying, heart-in-mouth moment when Jamie Jones collected a cross, only to collide with Terrell Forbes – presumably confused as to where he was supposed to be standing having played in 11 different positions over the last six games – and spill the ball. Don’t get me wrong, it was a joy to have Jones back – a typically athletic leap to deny Lee Hughes in the second half reminded us what a talent he is – but it’s a shame he’s playing behind a defence who are about to be served a lawsuit by the Swiss Cheese Marketing Board for blatant copyright infringement.

Knight in shining armour… Today’s man of the match was David Mooney. WARNING! WARNING! FATAL ERROR IN THE INTERNET. EVACUATE THE VICINITY IMMEDIATELY. No, seriously, the former pub team ringer, sorry, Colchester player, got involved, laid the ball off well and set up a number of chances, almost as if he was an actual footballer.

Pantomime horse… Fair play to Jimmy Smith, he never lacks in effort and actually did get himself involved a bit more than usual today. But in squandering so many gilt-edged chances, the shaven-haired lothario’s performance was the footballing equivalent of a night out at Loughton's Nubar in which numerous hot women offer him sexual favours, only to be disappointed when he accidentally throws up on each of them.

In the dug out… Today Russell reverted to the 4-4-2-ish sort of formation that worked so well last year and, were it not for the abysmal finishing, might have actually paid off. But the manager’s constant tinkering – today Dean Leacock had a crack at right back – and apparent inability to recognise what his best team is meant that once again the Os were ripped apart like a papier-mache clown thrown to the lions.

A word on the opposition… A pretty easy day out for the Notts County players. All they had to do was to sit back, watch Orient miss chance after chance and then wait until the home defence gave them the ball and said, ‘Hey, why don’t you score into this empty net?’ They’ll probably have easier victories, but only if they challenge a group of claustrophobics to a game of hide-and-seek.

Lesson for the day… If, as a fan, you want to continue to follow Orient’s push for League One survival, your money is probably better spent going to Wycombe games and heartily cheering on their opponents.

Leyton Orient 1 Chesterfield 1, 14/1/12

A game which... turned on Russell Slade's controversial decision to replace Lee Cook with Marc Laird. Taking off the game's principle attacking threat in an apparent attempt to shore up a 1-0 home lead over the division's bottom club with over 20 minutes to go was something akin to a Formula 1 boss hauling Lewis Hamilton out of his car at a pit-stop with the words, "Hey Lewis, since you're three milliseconds ahead of Sebastian Vettel how about you let my eight-year-old son finish the race for you?"

Lo and behold Laird's first action was to get turned inside his penalty box to allow Jimmy Juan to score Chesterfield's equaliser. And while the former Millwall man went some way to making amends with a lively performance, the damage to an already underwhelming Orient display was already done.

Moment of magic... David 'Wayne' Mooney's darting run to the inside post and deft flick into the far corner of the net that gave the Os the lead. The former Colchester man continues to divide fans - some think he's hopeless; others reckon he's useless - but this flash of brilliance shows there's talent lurking there somewhere.

Moment of madness... Conversely, for all Kevin Lisbie's obvious class, he hasn't been hitting the net much of late and today fluffed his big chance when he was clean through in the second half with only the keeper to beat. He and Mooney, meanwhile, continue to display all the empathy you'd expect of a meeting between Jeremy Clarkson and the Dalai Lama.

Knight in shining armour... Also currently known as 'The Scott Cuthbert Award' which, this week, goes to... Scott Cuthbert. Yes, this was another masterclass in the art of defending from the hardy Scot. Russell Slade may have brought in two more central defenders this week, but on this form Cuthbert should be the first name on the team sheet every match.

Pantomime horse... Jonathan Tehoue will always be something of a hero at Brisbane Road, but is it really too much to ask of a player who's now been with us for two years to, you know, get fit occasionally? In today's late cameo he appeared so bemused to be on an actual football pitch it was like watching a Maasai tribesman of east Africa try to outwit a bunch of Croydon teenagers at their local Laser Quest.

In the dug out... Russell Slade has experimented a few times with Dean Cox in the centre of midfield, each time with all the success of Emma Bunton's post-Spice Girl career. With Dawson out injured he had to do something, but surely against the division's bottom club playing Cox and Cook on alternative wings with Smith and Spring in the middle wouldn't have been too much to ask? And, on another matter, there's a logic to treating an emerging talent such as George Porter with kid gloves, but Slade seems to have locked him in a soft play centre and thrown away the key.

A word on the opposition... Another Orient v Chesterfield clash that'll sit alongside the many other classic encounters between the two sides such as... erm... no, it's gone. Still, no disrespect to the Spireites, they fully deserved their point and, worryingly, almost built up enough head of steam to actually win at the end.

Meanwhile on Twitter... You have to hand it to Jimmy Smith, he's not afraid to use Twitter to relate the most mundane details of his life. Even so, surely this - "Who ever invented a dish washer is a ledge coz mine is full now pressing the start button #LEGOOOOOOOO" - represents a new low not just for the former Chelsea man, but also for social networking in general and perhaps, too, of the whole history of human communication. Next week: George Porter on boiling a kettle, Scott Cuthbert on the various cycles of his washing machine and Dean Cox on the joys of opening and shutting his fridge door.

Lesson for the day... It's probably best to play people in the correct positions: Dean Cox = left wing; Jimmy Smith = centre midfield; Marc Laird = bench.

Leyton Orient 1 Charlton Athletic 0, 31/12/11

A game in which... Charlton spent 90 minutes resembling a Mars bar in a Scottish chip shop - that is, they were absolutely battered. Yes, of course the visitors spent almost the entire game with only 10 men, but the spectacle of a numerically-advantaged team failing to break down their opponents is a common one in football, and the Os deserve huge credit for creating chance upon chance upon chance. The fact that they only put away one of them with the help of a huge deflection is something of a concern (though replays show Jimmy Smith's disallowed goal should also have stood), but nothing should take away from what was a rousing end-of-year performance by an inspired Orient.

Moment of magic... The moment towards the end of the match when Ben Chorley blocked Rhoys Wiggins' goalbound shot to preserve Orient's lead. The fact that the Os had failed to get a second goal meant a heart-in-mouth final ten minutes for fans, and Charlton had a number of chance to snatch what would have been an unjust draw. But the backline held firm to record a memorable victory.

Moment of madness... Though David Mooney put in a hard-working shift and helped create a number of chances, when his big moment came in the second half - clean through on goal with only the keeper to beat - he failed to even hit the target. Not so much a rabbit in the headlights, more a nervously-disposed hamster under the full glare of the world's most powerful laser beam.

King for a day... Tough one this. Butcher, McSweeney, Cuthbert, Lisbie, Forbes and Dawson all put in towering performances... even Jimmy Smith managed to temporarily put aside thoughts of which pair of sunglasses he was going to wear to Nu Bar, Loughton, later that evening to put in a shift fizzing with energy. But if one player stood out above everyone it was former Charlton man Matthew Spring who, with the extra space afforded to him in midfield, showed what a class act he is.

Pantomime horse... No bad performances from any Os' players on the pitch, but there was a chilling reminder of darker times at Brisbane Road in the form of Paul Terry, sitting in the gallery like the ghost of Orient past, come back to haunt the unsuspecting WAGs also occupying the VIP seats.

In the dug out... Big Russ must have felt like all his Christmases had come at once to be able to name Dean Cox, Jonathan Tehoue, George Porter and Jamie Cureton on his bench. Though, of course, there's always one stale, mouldy mince pie that no one wants left over at the end of any festive season - ours is called Marc Laird.

A word on the opposition... "Refs ad a panic up for me" tweeted red-carded Charlton goalkeeper Ben Hamer as he watched his teammates try to cope for 84 minutes with only 10 men. Presumably that means he didn't agree with the admittedly marginal decision. No word from him on Jimmy Smith's incorrectly disallowed goal or the penalty that should have been awarded for the foul on Kevin Lisbie, mind. Still, Charlton are a class side and will no doubt be promoted, making Orient's performance - even against 10 men - even more impressive.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Worrying times for Jimmy Smith this week as his account was presumably hacked into by a mischief maker who swapped his profile pic for a still from Wham's Club Tropicana video from 1983. "is tht ment to be banter?" tweeted the irate ladies man when it was pointed out to him.

Lesson for the day... It's easier to win when we've got more players than the other team. To this end Slade needs to concoct a plan to field 12 men against Stevenage. Dean Cox could certainly play the entire game beneath the referee's eyeline, for example, and Jimmy Smith has previously gone for entire 90-minute stretches on the pitch without a single person in the stadium noticing he was there. Should be simple - bring on 2012!

Leyton Orient 0 MK Dons 3, 26/12/11

A game in which... it seemed apparent that the MK Dons squad had spent Christmas Day drinking protein shakes, doing one-handed press-ups and firing themselves up by watching the famous Battle of Agincourt speech from Henry V. The Orient team, meanwhile, had clearly passed the time with their heads stuck down a bumper-sized box of Quality Street while plumped on the sofa sniggering, burping and farting their way through Home Alone.

So despite a relatively bright first half in which, to be fair, Orient could have gone ahead if it wasn't for the fact that their finishing was about as clinical as an operating theatre located in a sewer, the home side fell apart in the second and allowed an impressive MK Dons side to totally dominate and record a deserved victory.

Moment of magic... Not many to choose from, but Lee Butcher did pull off an impressive reflex save with his feet in the second half, diverting a close range shot onto the underside of the crossbar. That said, moments later he was so transfixed by Adam Smith's 35-yard strike that he simply watched in wonder as it sailed into his top corner, almost as if he'd just witnessed the Star of Bethlehem in the east London sky.

Moment of madness... When Jamie Cureton found himself alone on the opposition six-yard box with the ball at his feet and no defender near him, yet still managed to skew the ball onto the post. The fact that he was actually offside is by the by - at this rate you'd get better odds on Barry Hearn revealing himself to be the real Santa Claus than 'the Orient Torres' actually getting the ball in the back of the net before the season's up.

Knight in shining armour... Terrell Forbes tends to go about his business with the quiet efficiency of a mild-mannered mortgage adviser, but seasoned Brisbane Road observers will note he's seldom put a foot wrong this season. Today, in particular, he was imperious at the back in the face of the impressive MK Dons frontline of Dean Bowditch and some fella name of Jabo.

Pantomime horse... Now, Scott Cuthbert has been in superb form in the centre of defence this season, but clearly isn't the answer at right back given that he's got all the delivery skills of a bicycle courier on acid. He's not helped by the Russell Slade's aversion to playing right midfielders in front of him but - and here's a sentence you probably thought would never exist in the whole history of time - it'll be good to have Leon McSweeney back.

In the dug out... Some slightly bemusing decisions from the big man today, not least taking off Matthew Spring to allow George Porter on, when surely Jimmy Smith was the more logical choice given that Spring was actually giving some level of control to Orient's passing, while Smith was, well, you know, running around in circles wondering whether he needed to trim his hair again tomorrow or the day after.

A word on the opposition... To keep things in perspective it should be noted that MK Dons are one of the best sides to rock up at Brisbane Road this season, and Orient did match them throughout the first half. Meanwhile, it's worth remembering that at the end of the 2007/08 season Orient replaced Jabo Ibehre with Ryan Jarvis, which is something akin to a car enthusiast trading in his Ferrari Superamerica 45 for a punctured space hopper.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Thanks to the magic of Twitter we get to discover what Orient players get up to on Christmas Day. Dean Cox was on chef duties, as we can see from this picture which, incredibly, was actually taken inside the kitchen of a doll's house. Scott Cuthbert, too (also pictured), was also cooking - either that or he's moonlighting as a cut-price stripper.

Jimmy Smith was as excitable as ever: "Family getting drunk mum is doing me head in lol have some off my water mum lol #LEGOOOOOO". George Porter, meanwhile, celebrated the festive season the only way he knows how: "They'll be some love making, heart breaking, soul shaking !!" he tweeted before settling down to watch Downtown Abbey on his own with a monster pack of Doritos.

Lesson for the day... Three, in fact. Don't let your best strikers leave! Try not to eat too many mince pies if you're a professional footballer! Right midfielders are helpful!

Leyton Orient 3 Exeter City 0, 10/12/11

A game in which... for the first hour, despite their class and endeavour, it seemed like there was more chance of Mark Wright being asked to host Question Time than Orient actually getting the ball in the net. Once Kevin Lisbie expertly dispatched his first penalty, however, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from the team's shoulders. Another huge weight entered the field in the form of super sub Jonathan Tehoue, whose goal was the catalyst to a delightful final spell of dominance over a good side in which the Os played with all the swagger of a teenage boy who's just got a snog off his older sister's best mate.

Moment of magic... The sight of the aforementioned Tehoue lumbering on to the pitch like an ageing water buffalo slowly awakening from a deep slumber. The French striker has an incredible habit of being in the right place at the right time and, as today showed, his goals from the bench are going to be invaluable as the season progresses.

Moment of madness... Jimmy Smith's point blank miss in which - after a brilliant piece of trickery by Kevin Lisbie on the right - he contrived to shoot straight at the keeper from all of three and a half inches in front of a gaping goal.

Knight in shining armour... Plenty of impressive performances today - Lisbie, McSweeney, Spring and Cuthbert for starters - but man of the match surely has to go to Stephen Dawson. The captain was such a force of energy today that if you'd wired him up he could have powered a small village in Essex.

Pantomime horse... Though he actually had a pretty decent game, the fact that Jamie Cureton - "the Orient Torres" - still hasn't found the net is something akin to Keith Richards turning up to perform at your office Christmas party, but proclaiming he 'couldn't be arsed' to bring his guitar.  

In the dug out... You'd be pretty happy as a manager if your first substitute scores with his first touch, and your second wins a penalty minutes later. Indeed, things were going so well for Russ that if he'd sent Marc Laird on the midfielder would have probably scored a jaw-dropping bicycle kick. Although, just to be on the safe side, Slade left the former Millwall man on the bench. After all, there's no point in risking throwing away a 3-0 lead in the last few minutes.

A word on the opposition... Exeter certainly didn't look like a team that should be hovering just above the relegation zone. They looked like they should be in it. Just kidding, in fact the Grecians were a tidy, effective outfit and can consider themselves unlucky not to have gone one up in the second half when only the post and a fantastic save from Lee Butcher kept the Os in it. Although I'm unclear as to why manager Paul Tisdale was dressed as if he was about to hunt bison in the Canadian wilderness.

Meanwhile on Twitter... This week George Porter took time off from bemoaning the lack of attractive women in his life - "No 10/10 girls about anymore or even like 9 or 8 too many 4's" - to enter into coversation with Debbie - aka Lydia's mum - from The Only Way Is Essex. "Why are you on Twitter? #embarrassing mums" he asked rather rudely, only to be told by Debbie that she's an Orient fan. "Am I your favourite player?" a contrite George replied, hopefully. Debbie is yet to respond.

Lesson for the day... Hey, if you play with two strikers at home you score goals!

FA Cup: Leyton Orient 0 Gillingham 1, 3/12/11

A game in which... Orient played with all the passion and enthusiasm of a hospital nurse tasked with dressing a minor wound sustained by Jeremy Clarkson. Full credit to Gillingham, but the Os did themselves no favours at all today. The first half tactics consisted solely of pumping long balls to a lone striker placed strategically at 15 yards offside. Russell Slade's not afraid to change things round though, oh no, and in the second half the Os came out with a revised plan of pumping long balls to two strikers placed strategically at 15 yards offside.

Moment of magic... There was no magic today, unless you count Marc Laird's now infamous disappearing act, in which he trots out from the tunnel in full view of the crowd, yet somehow manages to remain invisible for the entirety of the game.

Moment of madness... When Ben Alnwick decided to give Gillingham an early Christmas gift by spooning an innocuous back pass directly into the path of one of their strikers, almost ruining Russell Slade's best-laid plans to scrape a 0-0 draw.

King for a day... Scott Cuthbert. Were the entire Orient squad dumped in the middle of an Australian jungle - now there's a thought - then today the former Swindon man would be out killing crocodiles with his teeth while his teammates cowered by the campfire trembling at the sight of small insects.

Pantomime horse... Sadly, George Porter, whose performances tend to be in direct contrast to the quality of the opposition. By that token, he'd presumably tear apart the Barcelona defence yet come unstuck against the overweight left back from the local girls school's under-11 side.

In the dug out... "We've got a lot of soul-searching to do," said Russell after today's game, suggesting that instead of spending the week working on how to create more chances, the squad will peer deep into their own minds to try to establish the root causes of today's loss. God only knows what Jimmy Smith will find there - a pirate DVD of the Transformers movie and a 2-4-1 voucher for Nando's, probably.

A word on the opposition... Fair play to Gillingham, they took advantage of a poor Os performance with a fair degree of class. They'd even handicapped themselves before kick off by apparently weighing down striker Danny Kedwell with 47 doughnuts and a KFC mega-deal.

Meanwhile on Twitter... John Sitton continues to prove he definitely isn't bonkers by singing the footballing praises of Z-list celebrity and former Mr Jade Goody, Jeff Brazier. "Jeff listened, could play, was a good little athlete, cracking little midfield player who had the heart the size of a dustbin lid," tweeted Sitts. Next week: the former Os manager on how he could have avoided relegation if only he'd been allowed to sign H from Steps.

Lesson for the day... Since playing seven midfielders - count 'em - was clearly not sufficient to create any chances, perhaps against Exeter we should go the whole hog and populate the whole team with them. Where's Paul Terry when you need him?

Leyton Orient 0 Stevenage 0, 19/11/11

A game which... was as tough as a spelling test at a The Only Way Is Essex cast party. Yep, this was a right old-fashioned ding-dong which, in truth, either side could have won. The majority of the Stevenage team appeared to have been chiselled out of medium-sized bungalows and they were well-disciplined and hard to break down. But the Os deserve credit for matching them physically and carving out a number of chances to squander.

Moment to savour... Kevin Lisbie's cute little flick that gave him a clear run at the Stevenage goal in injury-time. Unfortunately the striker - who impressed again today - was afflicted with a touch of the Curetons and delayed his shot long enough to allow a defender time to tie his shoelaces, text his girlfriend and then put the ball out for a corner.

Moment of madness... David 'Don't call me Rooney' Mooney's first half miss. After some neat interplay between Kevin Lisbie and George Porter the unmarked striker somehow failed to connect with a cross just yards in front of the goal. I'm not saying his reactions are slow, but any day now he's going to start celebrating the news that London won the bid to host the 2012 Olympic Games.

Knight in shining armour... Though his moustache makes him look like a sinister school caretaker with a secret passion for cross-dressing, Scott Cuthbert emerged victorious from his physical battle with powerful Stevenage striker Darius Charles and put in one of his best performances in an Os shirt.

Pantomime horse... A solid performance from the Os, but at times goalkeeper Ben Alnwick's distribution was poor and he was lucky to escape after flapping at one descending ball so much he almost took flight.

In the dug-out... After Moses Obudajo's inspired cameo against Bromley last week, today Big Russ reverted to what's known as the "M'poku' strategy" - leaving a lively winger on the bench for the entire game in a cunning ploy to not actually create any chances. I jest - in fact the manager can be credited with ensuring his team matched an efficient Stevenage side in all departments.

A word on the opposition... Impressive team and travelling support, but manager Graham Westley's apoplectic reaction to every Orient throw-in taken half a yard further forward than it should have been was so wildly out of proportion it was like the United States of America declaring nuclear war on the UK simply because Piers Morgan called Gwyneth Paltrow "an irritating muesli-botherer".


Meanwhile on Twitter... It's been a rough old week for Jimmy Smith. His tweet after last weekend's game in which he threatened a fans' message board poster - "Any o's fan no bunk Moreland get him to contact me ASAP and be brave" - earned him a nomination for the world's daftest footballer. He then spent the week tweeting variations on "breakfast-bath-training-gym-bedtime #LEGOOOOOOO" almost as if he actually wanted to win the prize.

Lesson for the day... Gone are the days when Leyton Orient teams could be out-muscled by the under-11 rounders team from the local girls' primary school. These days the Os will front up anyone - although their mums say don't play too rough and make sure they're home in time for tea.