Leyton Orient 2 Halifax Town 2, 6/4/19

A game which... began with only three points being good enough, yet ended with Orient fans wildly celebrating a draw thanks to a last-gasp bundle into the net by the illegitimate son of Princess Diana and a gingerbread man.

Some stuff happened in between – mostly our defence looking uncharacteristically baffled at the sight of a little circus fella with a top knot running at them with the ball. But fair play to Orient, coming back from 2-0 down takes character and the late goal will be psychologically significant if nothing else. That said, failing to beat a building society team – what the fuck?



Praise be... Josh Koroma, a player whose selfishness has such force it is sucking all the world's limelight inexorably towards him. A player whose stats today read: attempts at goal: 467; passes: 0. And a player who'll shoot from any angle, including from within the home dressing room or the team coach. But by God if he keeps scoring the type of screamer he did today, keep being selfish mate.

Taxi for... Come on, you think I'm going to single out a player for criticism when we're pushing for promotion? Well you're right, I am. Jay Simpson: terrible performance. Almost as if he came to us having played virtually no football in a country more renowned for sports such as baseball, beer pong and cheerleading. Don't worry, though, he'll come good.



In the dug out... I'll say one thing about Justin, he's not afraid to throw everything at a victory, and by the time the game ended today there were only two defenders left on the pitch, one of whom is the club's most prolific goal-scorer of 2019. Meanwhile four strikers, three wingers, Craig Clay and a kitchen sink all piled into Halifax's box, and I'm pretty sure every single one of them – and perhaps even James Alabi who wasn't even playing – got a touch in the scramble that led to the equaliser. In Just we Trust – unless we don't get promoted then sack the fucker immediately.

Are we going to get promoted? Well, we ain't gonna do it the easy way, but God bless this spirited group of players for getting us in the position where it's still in our own hands with five games to go. They are knackered, clearly. Macauley Bonne has played so much football this season he no longer bothers taking his kit off between matches and just jogs around the dressing room from Saturdays to Tuesdays to keep warm. Dean Brill rarely has time to have more than 6 or 7 meals a day. James Brophy's left foot is so tired that today he kicked the ball with his right for the first time in his career, with predictably catastrophic consequences. Keep the faith though, readers.

Meanwhile... The club's attempt to enter the Guinness Book of Records for slowest moving queue in history is proving highly successful, with some fans waiting up to three or four hours before being able to shuffle forward another six inches today. Yes, in a time when we can land craft on Mars, grow human organs in a laboratory and build robots to perform complex tasks, Leyton Orient Football Club cannot get its shit together to issue tickets to more than four people at any one time. There are still some unfortunate fans queueing for tickets to the promotion decider against Bury in 1962, while those waiting for a chance to see our FA Cup semi-final against Arsenal in 1978 still have many years before they're going to be near the front...

Leyton Orient 0 Yeovil Town 1, 17/9/16

A game which... was so soul-destroyingly predictable that Francesco Becchetti might as well have given the squad a day off and instead broadcast a big-screen replay of one of the countless other insipid home defeats of his tenure. In fact, that is the sort of mental thing he might actually do.

Thing is, despite today's evidence to the contrary, the current squad does consist of decent players, but the lack of any discernible team spirit, determination, morale or collective responsibility is surely symptomatic of the toxic culture that now prevails at our once beloved club. Still, on the bright side, we're still five points clear of the relegation zone.

Jump off your seat moment... Didn't we get a corner at some point? In the context of the rest of the game we really should have celebrated that with champagne, a conga down the aisles, a victory bus tour through the streets of Leyton and a Roman orgy. What actually happened was that whoever took it - seriously, you expect me to remember who it was? - smashed it straight into the first defender. Probably. Whatever.

We won a corner! Celebrate! 

Give that man a medal... Poor Jay Simpson. Surely the only thing worse than being frozen out of this team is actually having to play in this team, and so it was that the striker came on with 25 minutes to go. Lively he was too, albeit only in the sense that a three-toed sloth might be described as lively in comparison to 10 blocks of concrete.

Taxi for... Francesco Becchetti for airily wafting away the complaints of fans from his gallery standpoint as if he was a Roman emperor dismissively ordering the lions be set upon the bunch of fucking peasants he no doubt believes us to be. Come to think of it, don't discount the possibility that he might actually bring lions to Brisbane Road, for that would make about as much logical sense as sacking Dean Cox. Or signing Gianvito Plasmati. Or buying the club in the first place.

In the dug out... What, you may ask yourself, is Andy Hessenthaler – probably a decent enough bloke – doing here in the current circumstances? Well, one thing he's not doing is instructing his team to do anything other than lump the ball towards Jordan Bowery / Paul McCallum / Ollie Palmer and hope for the best. Anyway, it's a moot point for I suspect one or two more defeats will spell the end of his short tenure and Francesco Becchetti will finally cut out the middle man and simply appoint himself as manager.

Meanwhile in the press...  Ben Chorley this week waded into the Orient controversy with the same type of reckless abandon with which he'd regularly decimate lower league strikers. "I think Orient could be in League Two for a few years yet," he said with so much optimism that we'll somehow avoid relegation to the conference that I can only assume he'd just drunk two pints of MDMA. He continued: "It's a great club. Everything around it is good, but the problem is the owner." Oh really, Ben? We thought it was all Leon McSweeney's fault...

Leyton Orient 1 Exeter City 3, 16/1/16

A game in which... it looked suspiciously like the Orient defence was in fact a huge practical joke being secretly filmed for season two of the Italian reality TV show. What else could explain their catastrophic ineptitude, except maybe that they were all signed, trained, selected and instructed by Ian Hendon?

It was a fitting final swan song for the now-sacked manager, in which he characteristically selected the wrong starting XI in the wrong formation with the wrong tactics then subsequently blamed all the players for getting it all so wrong. Under the current regime it's unlikely we'll do any better with a new gaffer, but we surely can't do any worse...

Jump off your seat moment... Two thoroughly undeserved penalties which Jay Simpson presumably missed on purpose as a way of hastening the manager's departure. Imagine where we'd be if Hendon hadn't been gifted Simpson and Cisak: that's right, in the Guinness Book of Records for Worst Goal Difference Ever In The History Of Football.

Give that man a medal... The aforementioned Alex Cisak prevented the score being 42-1 and has undoubtedly chained his agent up in a basement with a view to systematically torturing him over the course of the next 40 years as punishment for his cataclysmic error of judgement in bringing the Championship-standard keeper to Orient in the first place.

Taxi for... The entire squad apart from Simpson and Cisak. I mean, imagine if a tone deaf but inexplicably aggressive guinea pig was appointed to be the conductor of the London Philharmonic Orchestra. You'd certainly be sympathetic to a drop in their usual standards of performance, but you'd still expect a bunch of professional musicians to at least be able to string a few notes together, regardless of the incompetence of their leader.

In the dug out... Really, Hendon was on a hiding to nothing serving under such a batshit mental regime. God only knows what lunacy goes on behind the scenes and it's unlikely Orient will ever achieve anything other than another relegation or two until that changes. On the other hand the manager didn't really do himself any favours by offering to fight fans; being so willing to blame anyone but himself for his shortcomings; and signing Connor Essam. I'm not saying he was out of his depth, but... *taps microphone* ... if Brisbane Road was a leisure centre he'd have been flailing around helplessly in the kids' pool while threatening the lifeguards for criticising his attempts at the doggy paddle.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Now, we're all well used to the official communication channels of Leyton Orient airbrushing and manipulating stories like a psychotic North Korean dictatorship. But few of us would have expected them to go as far as trying to alter the result of an actual real-life football match being witnessed by over 5,000 people and the TV cameras of Channel 5. But, by Christ they gave it their best shot on Twitter after Jay Simpson missed the first of his two penalties, posting "2-3 Game On". I look forward to them re-classifying the reign of Ian Hendon as nothing more than "banter"...

Leyton Orient 1 AFC Wimbledon 1, 28/10/15

Two of Hendon's substitutes against Wimbledon

A game in which... Orient went 1-0 up and then Ian Hendon substituted off the whole team and replaced them with 11 local bricklayers with the specific task of swiftly walling up the goal. I'm joking, of course: Ian Hendon's substitutions actually made even less sense than that and the fact that the manager was so ready to batten down the hatches at home against an average AFC Wimbledon side – even before we went down to 10 men – shows either a total lack of ambition or total lack of tactical nous. I'm opting for both. 

Jump off your seat moment... The moment a West Stand fan quite literally did jump off his seat at the final whistle and throw a bit of run-of-the-mill, seen-it-a-thousand-times-at-a-football-match abuse at Ian Hendon. And what did the manager do? Think to himself that since fans pay their money, they're entitled to their opinion? Consider that though he disagreed with the sentiment he was a professional and should not respond? No, Ian Hendon actually came tearing back to the touchline shouting "You talking to me?" like a deranged coke-head who's seen Taxi Driver 4,328 times. He then suggested the fan come back to the dressing room and say it to his face, despite the fact the fan was already saying it to his face. Next week: Hendon puts the club chef's head in a vice as a Joe-Pesci-in-Casino-inspired lesson for serving slightly lukewarm tomato soup. 

Give that man a medal... Imagine where Orient would be without Jay Simpson? That's right, in the Guinness Book of Records for being the only club in world football history to have gotten 20 games into a season without scoring a single goal. The striker is the sole reason that Ian Hendon is able to brush aside the deep chasms of concern about Orient's on-field performances, point at the league table and blithely state "We're still in touching distance of the play-offs." 

Taxi for... Ian Hendon. Sometimes this season his tactical decision-making has been baffling, sometimes it's been bewildering, but today it was just batshit mental. Ironically, it seemed that the manager had accidentally stumbled across a central defensive partnership that was actually holding firm in loanees Cole Kpekawa and the impressive Jean-Yves M'Voto. But then, with a one-goal lead and 35 minutes to go he elected to go 5-3-2 and bring on Mathieu Baudry wearing a sign around his neck that stated: "Hey, Wimbledon, I know you haven't had a single shot on target yet but why not just attack us for the rest of the game and see if you can do any better." 

In the dug out... Have I mentioned Ian Hendon's performance today? Well, the delights don't end there, for once Orient went down to 10 men the manager felt the best policy was to sit eight players in front of Alex Cisak and then hoof the ball long to a lone target man in the hope of hitting Wimbledon on the break. So naturally the lone target man he chose was winger Blair Turgott, who is well known for his heading, strength and ability to hold the ball up. This tactical ruse precipitated such relentless Wimbledon attacks that at one point their goalkeeper Ben Wilson was able to sweep up the ball in Orient's half! 

Meanwhile on Twitter... "The problem with Ian Hendon being 'one of our own'" wrote fan Laurie Hann as he hit a nail on the head with a hammer, "is that we are consistently shit." 

Leyton Orient 1 Wycombe Wanderers 1, 19/9/15

Action from Orient v Wycombe  

A game in which... Wycombe were so willing to wrestle Orient players to the ground yet feign injury at the mildest retaliation it would be no surprise if their entire squad were issued with spandex leotards and signed up for WWE Smackdown. I say this with only a little bit of massive disrespect because in many ways this was a consummate League Two performance from the away team and Orient were unable to match it for much of the game.

Luckily Ian Hendon has a plan B, which any idiot can see is much, much better than his plan A. So with the diamond ditched, substitute Ollie Palmer in immense form and the continued brilliance of Jay Simpson the Os managed to salvage a point. Can't complain when we're still top of the table, but Orient are going to need to better get to grips with the physical side of League Two if they're going to stay there.

Jump off your seat moment... There have been few times in Orient's history when fans could with near-certainty predict that if a striker had sight of goal, he'd score. Personally speaking I usually took the moment an Orient front man was put clean through as a cue to go get a cup of Bovril. No longer, for Jay Simpson is the lethal finisher we've been craving for years and today took his goal with typical panache.

"Stone Cold" Ollie Palmer 

Give that man a medal... If Wycombe Wanderers were pretenders to the WWE then Ollie Palmer was the real deal: a Stone Cold Steve Austin of League Two. In the 45 minutes that he was on the pitch the chiselled man-giant put in one of the most commanding, physical performances seen at Brisbane Road since the time Jonathan Tehoue piled in on Marc Laird for taking a spoonful of his half-time trifle.

Taxi for... The young lad – no doubt fuelled by nitrous oxide or insect urine or whatever it is the youth take for kicks these days – who decided to invade the pitch in the second half. Curiously no steward appeared to deem it necessary to intervene until it was finally left to a fluorescent-jacketed 92-year-old to stagger in slow motion towards the interloper, a scene eerily reminiscent of the entire Orient career of James Scowcroft.

"Come on Bradley, I'm sure you can manage 60 minutes"

In the dugout... Today Ian Hendon did not select Bradley Pritchard. Let that sink in for a moment, for it is the first time in Orient's 134-year history that the midfielder has not started and finished a game. Admittedly the former Charlton man was injured, but that didn't stop Fabio Liverani playing him on the wing on one occasion with two broken legs, third-degree burns and chlamydia. Man up Hendon! Aside from that, the manager claimed he was "delighted" with his team's performance, suggesting perhaps he was stuck in traffic until the 70th minute.

Meanwhile on Twitter... George Porter has been called up for England! No, not in his own mind. No, not on Fifa 16. Like, for real. Yep, the "Non-League Messi", as he's often referred to by no one but himself, got a call up to England C this week and wasted no time in boasting about it on Twitter. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Except Jamie Jones I suppose...

Leyton Orient 2 Bristol Rovers 0, 29/8/15

A game in which... Orient couldn't have been more workmanlike if they'd played the entire 90 minutes drinking Tetley tea, bearing their bum cracks and shouting sexist insults at women. Remember this was a Bristol Rovers side that haven't lost away from home for a year and the Os needed to be at their most patient and efficient – and were excellent in controlling large parts of the game. Add the touch of class that comes in the human form of Jay Simpson and you're looking at a team who probably won't ever lose again. (Send your complaints to me marked "Jonah" after Luton stuff us 8-0 on Tuesday.)

Shane Lowry

Jump off your seat moment... Three of them actually, all courtesy of the aforementioned Jay Simpson. The goal, of course – by way of some crazy-paving footwork – and then two sliding, last-ditch tackles down the other end of the pitch that demonstrated his utter commitment to the cause. What a joy it is to see such a talented player giving it his all in League Two rather than sulking like a spoilt three-year-old girl upset that not enough people have praised her pigtails in the last four minutes. Or Shane Lowry, same difference.

Give that man a medal... Jay Simpson again, obviously, but let's focus for a moment on the excellence of Sammy Moore. Fans rightly worried that without Romain Vincelot not only would Orient be short of quality beards, but that we'd be playing in the Ryman Isthmian League Division One South by 2019/20. (You do the math.) Not so! AFC Wimbledon fans used to sing "He's here, he's there, he's everywhere" to Moore, and not just because he used to surreptitiously follow people home after matches. His industrious performances should be equally valuable to Orient this season.

Taxi for... Referee Darren Drysdale. If the RAF sergeant took the same approach to his day job as he does to officiating football matches then I suspect he would discharge half his squadron for unregulation eyebrows while the other half would be given medals of honour for mistakenly dropping bombs on their own airbase. What I am saying here is that he was woefully inconsistent. Still, at least he didn't try to launch his own clothing range called Superdrysdale. Oh hang on...

In the dug out... Ian Hendon actually utilised three different formations at different times in this game, much like Fabio Liverani, although probably not because he'd forgotten how many players make up a football team. What is becoming evident is that the manager is a Top Man in more ways than just his choice of suits. He actually seems to know what he's doing.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Our esteemed president's match day behaviour is becoming increasingly bizarre, from his walk on before the season opener to high-fiving fans from his blacked out limousine after the Dagenham game. Today, according to reporter John Walker, Sr Becchetti was jumping up and down in the tunnel after the match with the joyous abandon of someone who'd just evaded capture by the Albanian police force. What next: running round the touchline naked? Apologising for single-handedly relegating us? The mind boggles...

Swindon Town 2 Leyton Orient 2, 3/5/15

In the end, this was a fitting conclusion to a woeful season. Fitting that Orient couldn't beat a Swindon team cobbled together from a handful of reserves, a couple of under-16s, two or three random passers-by and some sticky tape; a team that had nothing to play for and one reduced to 10 men for 72 minutes.

"He's left Scott Cuthbert on the bench!!!" 

Things began as they always do under Fabio Liverani: with a team selection and formation that suggested the manager is either randomly picking names out of a hat, insane or part of an elaborate season-long TV prank in which Ant & Dec communicate with him through a concealed ear-piece with instructions such as, "Leave Scott Cuthbert on the bench, it'll be hilarious!!"

Anyway, the players tried to make sense of the latest strategy, which I'm going to generously describe as 4-3-3, and actually fashioned a few chances in the opening minutes. These mostly came through the endeavour of Jay Simpson, almost as if the ex-Premier League striker might have come in useful in the preceding 15 games in which he was mostly sat on the bench. Hey ho.

Still, unsurprisingly Orient failed to convert anything until Swindon – who appeared to be deliberately trying to lose the game – gifted us a penalty and got their goalkeeper sent off. Lloyd James is of course the Os most reliable spot-kicker so it was with grinding inevitability that he chose this moment to miss.

Following that Swindon did everything in their power to gift Orient a goal, until finally figuring out that the only reliable way to do so was to just give the ball to Dean Cox and let him do the rest. He duly obliged.

And so, with 45 minutes to go and results in other games going our way Orient were halfway to safety. What was needed was one of Fabio Liverani's legendary team talks – a stirring call-to-arms translated by Rob Gagliardi while he teased the tangles out of his hair in front of a full-length mirror.

And yet, and yet... Did Orient come out snorting fire out of their noses and throwing their bodies on the line for their very survival? Erm, not really. They got an early goal to put them 2-0 up and then things just sort of fizzled out like a cut-price sparkler discarded into a puddle by a disappointed child on Guy Fawkes' Night.

Matt Baudry gave away a pointless foul on the edge of the box. Swindon scored. Fabio Liverani switched to 5-3-1-1. Swindon scored again. The players looked to the manager for some indication of what they were supposed to be doing. He responded by playing Scott Cuthbert and Matt Baudry up front. The final whistle blew. Orient were relegated.

Did we deserve it? One hundred per cent. If you spurn a two-goal lead against a 10-man reserve team with nothing to play for then you're asking for it really. If you can't win a single one of your last seven games when relegation is staring you in the face, then you can't really complain. (And, looking at the final league table, just one victory in one of the games we lost would've kept us safe.)

Let's leave the final word to ex-CEO Matt Porter, who knows a thing or two about football, and a thing or two about Orient: "Dear oh dear. No words to describe what a waste of a perfectly good football club and a completely avoidable situation this is. Devastated."

Leyton Orient 0 Preston North End 2, 28/10/14

A game in which... the result could have been so different. Imagine if ex-Orient keeper Jamie Jones hadn't pulled off a double-worldy in the first half; if Jay Simpson had buried his one-on-one minutes earlier; if half our squad wasn't injured; if we hadn't conceded two soft goals; if we hadn't sold Moses Odubajo; if our Italian owners hadn't forced Russell Slade out of the club; if money grew on trees; and if troubles really could melt like lemon drops... perhaps then we could've scraped a draw.

As it was Orient actually put in a pretty spirited performance – you couldn't really fault their effort – without coming away with anything to show for it. Yeah Preston are pretty good, but God knows we finished above them last season, which demonstrates just how far this club has fallen in the space of a few months. Depressing, really.

Gianvito Plasmati after being lightly brushed on the arm 

Jump off your seat moment... The moment that the ball fell invitingly to new boy Gianvito Plasmati on the edge of Preston's six-yard box with the goal gaping. Were it not for the fact he smashed the ball straight at Jamie Jones the 6ft 6in Italian may have instantly won the hearts of the Orient faithful. Still, throughout his time on the pitch he showed a few good touches, a couple of bad ones and one theatrical swan dive to the ground reminiscent of Willem Dafoe's iconic death scene in the film Platoon. Still, let's give the lad a chance before we totally write him off, hey?

Give that man a medal... Dean Cox worked his little cotton socks off tonight – and that's no metaphor, he really does wear little cotton socks – but most pleasing was the performance of Jay Simpson. The former Thailand backpacker is getting better and better each game, and he looked lively and threatening throughout.

Taxi for... McAnuff said.

"Fuck the technical shit"... It was strange sight to see Mauro Milanese patrolling the touchline tonight – not because he was first non-British manager to take charge of Leyton Orient, but because his hair appears to contradict seven rules of evolutionary biology, nine rules of quantum physics and every rule of fashion that has existed since the dawn of time. On the pitch nothing much seemed to have changed save for the fact Mauro had lumped an unfit Italian up front and boldly elected to give 11-year-old Scott Kashket a run out ahead of a presumably #fuming Chris Dagnall. Still, let's give the manager a chance before we totally write him off, hey?

Meanwhile on Twitter... Nice work from the Orient Ramble podcast boys, who helpfully illustrated the current status of Orient's usual starting XI from last season. And if that depresses you even more, cheer yourself up with this video of manager Mauro Milanese indulging in what passes for "entertainment" in Italy, as discovered by Jay Lillington.

Leyton Orient 1 Swindon Town 2, 4/10/14

Darius Henderson

A game in which... Orient's aggression, desire and passion made them extremely dangerous. Unfortunately that aggression, desire and passion was concentrated entirely into a five-second melee in added time that saw Dean Cox shout at Nathan Byrne's knee and Darius Henderson juggernaut himself into an unfortunate Swindon player who is now presumably extracting himself from the back of the West Stand. 

Other than that the Os were insipid, error-strewn and lacking in ideas. If this is the new dawn then perhaps we should have all stayed in bed.

Jump off your seat moment... The moment Jay Simpson was released on goal by a wayward Swindon back pass only to be called offside in direct contradiction of the actual rules of the game of football. One can only imagine what would have happened if the striker had been able to continue his run. I'll go out on a limb and say that he would have scuffed a weak shot into the corner flag. That's what you get if you take a gap year from your career to go backpacking round Thailand. 

Give that man a medal... Poor old Dean Cox. God knows he gave it his all today but one man alone cannot win football matches. At the moment the midfielder must feel a bit like Keith Richards trying to jam with the Leyton 1st district cub scouts brass band and Rochelle from the Saturdays. 

Taxi for... Now, it's easy to knock Marvin Bartley, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. I really can't imagine what the question is if he is the answer, unless it's "What would happen if you asked a qualified window fitter with no previous experience of football to play in midfield for a League One club?" 

"Fuck the technical shit"... Presumably to put clear blue water between himself and his former boss, Kevin Nugent opted to tinker with his formation throughout the game, starting with a 4-2-3-1, moving back to 4-4-2, giving 7-2-3-4 a bash, reverting to a 8-0-0-7-1 then seeing how he fared with 0-1-9-8-2. None of this had any discernible effect so he instead resorted to trying to substitute Chris Dagnall 20 minutes after he'd already brought him off. 

Let's face it, Nuge – a decent and loyal guy – probably isn't the right person to sort this whole sorry mess out. When you have a mess of this size, you need someone with proper experience of waste management. Oh, hang on... 

Meanwhile on Twitter... Hats off to James Turley for producing this meme referencing the infamous moment last season when a Swindon pitch invader tried to attack Jamie Jones. Still, there was no such nonsense from Robins fans this time round. Instead they tried to set fire to the East Stand twice and then one have-a-go-hero tried to take on eight of the Metropolitan Police's finest. Top work lads!