Leyton Orient 2 Tranmere Rovers 1, 9/2/13

Slade sells Laird to Southend

A game in which... Orient could afford to miss a penalty, two point-blank headers, a one-on-one and a hatful of other chances yet still overcome high-flying Tranmere. They say the table doesn't lie but on the evidence of this match it was telling the biggest porkie since Russell Slade phoned up Paul Sturrock and said, "Yeah, Lairdy can do a job for you."

Make no mistake, this was a hugely impressive victory - perhaps the performance of the season so far - and Orient dominated the league leaders throughout the match. Dangerous going forward, resolute at the back... If we keep playing like this every week we're going to be at Wembley twice this season.

Moment of magic... A real life Charlie MacDonald goal, something previously thought only to exist in the imagination of Kevin Nugent and as a doctored entry on the striker's Wikipedia page. Yes, this was a much-improved performance by the former Brentford man - a nuisance to the Tranmere defence throughout - and with his first-half header he's already equalled the heady heights of Jamie Cureton's Orient scoring record. Next on his hit list: Adrien Patulea (2 goals). 

Moment of madness... Another missed penalty - the second in a row - by Orient. Today Martin Rowlands was the guilty party (albeit denied by a great save) meaning that the next time we have a spot kick it's anyone's guess who'll be taking the honours. Perhaps we could re-sign reliable spot-kicker Adam Boyd purely for the purposes of taking penalties and doing fancy but ultimately pointless flicks that none of the rest of the team can read? Given he's currently playing in the Northern League - the ninth tier of English football - he'd probably jump at the chance. If he could jump, that is. 

Knight in shining armour... What a joy it is to watch Mathieu Baudry in action, elegantly commanding the defence and casually picking out passes with the sort of effortless cool he no doubt employs when selecting which of the opposition players' wives he'll deign to sleep with after the match. If this is what happens when you grow up eating horse meat, as Baudry did in his native France, then the whole squad should stock up on Findus Beef Lasagnes immediately. 

Pantomime horse... No bad performances from anyone in an Orient shirt today, although Lloyd James will no doubt be flagellating himself with a leek while listening to Stereophonics B-sides to atone for somehow failing to connect with a point-blank header in front of goal in the first few minutes of the game.  

In the dug out... Today Russell Slade was as animated as one of the Disney cartoons Kevin Dearden enjoys of a Saturday evening. Indeed, when Charlie MacDonald had the ball in the net in the second half the manager set off on one of his famed celebratory jigs, bounding along the touchline with all the enthusiasm of a simpleminded farm hand attempting an egg-and-spoon race after 12 pints of scrumpy. Unfortunately the goal was called offside and Russell had to sheepishly slink back to the dug out again. 

Meanwhile on Twitter... With the launch of the Leyton Orient sticker album today, there's already been some frenetic trading across Twitter among fans. One punter was in despair at his inability to swap his surplus Michael Symes sticker until, surprisingly, he was contacted by Burton Albion manager Gary Rowett who offered to exchange it for the actual Michael Symes. Obviously the fan turned him down. 

Dean Morgan playing for Orient

Statto corner... The last time Orient beat a team residing at the top of the League One table was when Martin Ling's side beat MK Dons back in January 2009. That day Dean Morgan confounded the entire MK Dons team by lying on the ground screaming and crying for a full 38 minutes after almost being lightly brushed on the arm during a tussle for the ball, allowing Stephen Purches to ghost through and score the winner unnoticed. 

FA Cup: Leyton Orient 1 Hull City 2 (aet), 15/1/13

Steve Bruce

A game which... proved there's no justice in the world. Why, for example, should poor Steve Bruce have to go through life with a face like a boiled cauliflower that's been repeatedly hurled into a concrete wall? And more pertinently, how can Orient be out of the FA Cup despite out-playing opponents whose expensively-assembled squad is worth the equivalent of about 248 Ben Chorleys - or 32 billion Marc Lairds.

Yes, Orient did their fans proud with a committed display of intelligent, passing football and but for a number of 'what ifs?' - what if Lee Cook's legitimate goal hadn't been disallowed? What if Michael Symes didn't exist? - could have ended the game victorious.

Moment of magic... Dean Cox's goal just minutes before the final whistle, in which Hull's catastrophe of a goalkeeper Eldin Jakupovic (think Marek Stech with no hands - or eyes) helpfully let a relatively innocuous cross float into the far corner of the net.

Moment of madness... Steve Bruce's unprovoked and inexplicable decision to taunt home fans in the West Stand after Hull's winning goal, an action that had all the class of a millionaire playboy goading an impoverished blind orphan for losing a game of I Spy.

Knight in shining armour... When Orient left the pitch they did so as ten heroes and Michael Symes, so it's difficult to single out one man of the match. Cox, Cook and Odubajo were all superb, but let's take a moment to hail the contribution of Lloyd James, whose performances in midfield are becoming more and more tidy and effective.

Michael Symes

Pantomime horse... To put it charitably, substitute Michael Symes lacked a bit of sharpness - much as a knife would were you to construct it entirely out of blancmange. Still, within another car crash of a performance there was one positive: the big striker is now managing to time his leaps to within just a few seconds of the ball arriving somewhere near his head and in a few months' time may have refined his technique to the point where he actually wins a knock on. Just kidding, he won't.

Russell Slade

In the dug out... Russell's got a new hat. Either that or a local granny has knitted a tea cosy and placed it on top of a giant egg. Still, with the players he had at his disposal the manager got it spot on tactically and ensured that his team were dominant throughout the 120 minutes.

Meanwhile on Twitter... More Anglo-French madness from Mathieu Baudry who this week related a harrowing tale of woe that really exposes the difficulties and hardships a modern footballer has to face: "put the water for a cold bath> nealry forgot it> bath too full > decide to take off water for a bit> forgot it > bath empty." Come back Jimmy Smith, all is forgiven. (Well, it would be if you hadn't missed that point blank header in the first half.)

Statto corner... At -5 degrees the temperature at Brisbane Road was the lowest since a match in January 1953 against Southend. "There were 19ft of snow on the pitch that day, but we played on, not like the namby pamby footballers of today," remembered burly centre back Stan Aldous. "I had a broken neck and bubonic plague too - just ran them both off."

Johnstone's Paint Trophy: Leyton Orient 1 Barnet 0, 9/10/12

David Mooney

A game in which... Orient put in a vintage performance. Unfortunately that vintage was Paul Brush's dire 2002/03 squad. Yes, this was a League Two performance against a League Two club, but let's look on the bright side: we won, we kept a clean sheet and we're through to the next round.

More importantly this was a chance for the fringe players to show what they could do. And what they did was show why they were fringe players. It is, for example, possible to imagine a strikeforce worse than David Mooney and Michael Symes, but only if you picture in your mind a balloon with a face painted on it looking bemusedly at an oil tanker.

Moment of magic... The moment David Mooney cued up an overhead kick in the penalty area, no doubt possessed by the spirit of Chris Tate, who overcame similar suspicion among fans with a bicycled goal against Barnet in 2001. Mooney's no Tate though - it's even debatable whether he's of more use than the similarly-named bag of sugar - and his effort bobbled apologetically towards the keeper.

Moment of madness... The moment in the second half when David Mooney - yep, him again - apparently collapsed under the weight of his own ineptitude in the Barnet penalty area. Save the diving for the Olympic Park, eh Dave?

Knight in shining armour... Tonight seems as good a time as any to hail the qualities of Ryan Allsop, who's been flawless between the sticks of late. The young stopper is like a Glenn Morris who can kick; an Ashley Bayes who comes off his line; and a Jamie Jones who isn't always injured. Long may he continue.

Michael Symes

Pantomime horse... For the second game running - and despite a cameo from Marc Laird - I'm afraid the award has to go to Michael Symes. If I want to watch something slow and cumbersome lumber around a field mournfully then I can simply find a nature DVD that captures the protracted and painful death of a hippopotamus attacked by lions. At Brisbane Road we expect something a bit more from our strikers. Actually we don't, but God knows there must be a better option than Symes if we're looking for size and strength up front?

In the dug out... "SIMPLE! SIMPLE!" yelled Russell Slade at one point, which either means he was concerned that Orient were overcomplicating things or he was trying to attract the attention of Jimmy Smith. Assuming it was the former, then it's a strange message to relay, for the tactics seem to primarily echo that school playground staple 'kick and rush'. And what's simpler than that? Three and in?

Meanwhile on Twitter... This week former Os boss John Sitton took to Twitter this week to offer sage advice to a departed X Factor contestant: "Caroline should exit to the US," he wrote with the benefit of his long experience of the music business. "Will be a great success in Nashville." But who does Sitts himself back in the show? "JAHMENE!!!!!!!!!!!! Vote JAHMENE Or You Can Bring Your Dinner!!" he tweeted, menacingly. Well, you heard him.

Statto corner... Since Johnstone's Paint began sponsoring the Football League Trophy in 2006, they've experienced a 30 per cent drop in sales in east London. "We see no connection between that and the performances of Leyton Orient," said marketing director Nathan Bradley.

Leyton Orient 0 Sheffield United 1, 6/10/12

A game which... was such a spectacle that were it played in the Olympic Stadium then the literally dozens of new London Orient fans would be demanding their money back, despite the fact they had free tickets. But let's not get too despondent since for most of the 90 minutes the Os matched a team who are better resourced, better supported and, well, just better.

Remember, Orient did actually create a couple of chances and conceded only to a wonder strike. But it's fair to say that despite a recent run of good results, we're not quite the finished article. More a half-decent first paragraph that quickly descends into the sort of meaningless drivel you find on Jimmy Smith's Twitter feed. #LEGOOOO

Moment of magic... The neat interplay between Kevin Lisbie and Lee Cook that cued up Anthony Griffith to score from the edge of the area in the second half. Anthony Griffith didn't score, mind you, he skewed the shot towards the corner flag so apologetically it was like he was grovelling for forgiveness for daring to suggest that Blades' fan Sean Bean was "a bit shit" in The Lord of the Rings.

Moment of madness... Substitute David Mooney's decision to direct a few choice words at Kevin Dearden after it was decreed that Ryan Brunt, rather than Moons himself, was to replace Kevin Lisbie. It's great that the non-scoring Irishman showed some passion, but complaining to Orient's goalkeeping coach is a bit like harassing your local paper boy about the fact that the mainstream media isn't giving enough attention to climate change. It might be true, but there ain't much he can do about it.

Knight in shining armour... Kevin Lisbie, who gets so little service during games that for training he might as well just sit in restaurants being ignored by incompetent waitresses. Nonetheless when he is thrown a scrap he makes things happen, and God only knows where our attacking threat is going to come from if he's out injured for a while.

Pantomime horse... Michael Symes, who's so slow off the mark it appeared he was still chasing a knock down from the Stevenage game back in August. A somewhat baffling decision by Slade to bring on the man voted as the worst striker in the entire history of Rochdale FC instead of top scorer (two goals) Ryan Brunt, but since the laws of the game prevent him from rolling an enormous lump of Playdoh into the penalty area on a broken rollerskate he presumably regards Symes as the next best thing.

In the dug out... Today's starting formation of choice appeared to be a 4-3-2-1 that perfectly nullified the ability of Dean Cox and Lee Cook to create anything from the wings. Still, fair play to Russell he changed it round on 25 minutes to the 4-4-2 system that he and Kevin Nugent stole from the archives of the National Football Museum in the most dangerous Orient endeavour since Steve Castle tried to escape from Pizza Hut without paying for his deep pan Hawaiian.

Meanwhile on Twitter.... "I wonder what Jimmy Smith gets up to when he's not trimming his hair or training?" said no one ever. But nonetheless, thanks to the magic of Twitter, the Orient midfielder gave us a unique insight into how he passes the time. And apparently he passes the time by arranging air fresheners into tower-like structures in his kitchen. "#Home Chilling + Treated The Crib LoL #SmellsGooooood" he tweeted alongside this photo. Scott Cuthbert, however, was having none of it, replying, "the crib? Ure not an american rapper lad!" Quite.

Statto corner... When Leyton Orient decided to change their name to just Orient in 1966 they took to the pitch for their first home of the season against Scunthorpe with just eight players, as three new signings had got on the wrong bus at Stratford. "There was no clue in the name," said confused centre-half John "Snedders" Sneddon.

Leyton Orient 1 Brentford 0, 13/9/12

A game in which... Orient ground out a win so ugly that even if it were the only girl in Faces nightclub, Gants Hill, Jimmy Smith would still be reluctant to crack on to it. By Christ it's going to be a long season if this is the only way we're going to pick up points, and there are some serious questions about our ability to actually string any meaningful attacks together.

But let's focus on the positives: the defence held firm for a second consecutive clean sheet; the midfield wasn't totally overrun and the goalkeeper didn't get injured. Rejoice.

Moment of magic... A goal born on the practice pitches of Stoke City Football Club, in which Potters loanee Ryan Brunt got on the end of a scramble after a long throw into the mixer from Rory Delap... sorry, Nathan Clarke. But, hey, Orient aren't going to score from many exquisite lobs, bicycle kicks or 28-pass moves this season so lap it up while you can.

Moment of madness... When Premier League referee Phil Dowd prevented what would have been a certain failed attempt at goal when he stumbled into Gary Sawyer like an embarrassingly drunk uncle at a wedding staggering onto his feet to dance to Rihanna's Umbrella while shouting "I've still fucking got it!" Thanks Phil.

Knight in shining armour... Anthony Griffith put in something of a performance today and proved that he could well combine the skills of a slightly less good Stephen Dawson, a slightly less good Matthew Spring and a slightly less good six-foot garden fence. A slightly better Solomon Taiwo, in other words.

Just beat Michael Symes to the ball

Pantomime horse... Michael Symes. Now, [adopts Bernard Manning voice] I'm not saying that the 28-stone beefcake is immobile, [clears throat] but I'm sure I saw him overtaken by a glacier at one point. [taps microphone] Joking aside, the striker was repeatedly outjumped, outrun, out-thought and out to lunch. Ryan Brunt to start against Yeovil.

In the dug out... It's taken over 50 games, but for the first time in about 18 months Orient actually played better after Russell Slade's half-time team talk rather than worse. Not so much a rocket up their arse, but at least a small, barely flickering indoor firework. This is progress.

Word from the opposition... "I thought that we dominated the game," says Ryan Donovan of Life On The Bee Roads blog, not unreasonably. "The team showed that they are comfortable with the ball and have the ability to pass teams to death. Unfortunately the finishing just wasn't up to much has been apparent all season. Douglas, Forshaw and Forrester best players for us tonight. Unfortunate to come away without anything to show. Orient were a bit scrappy but Cox looked handy as did your number 8."

Meanwhile on Twitter... Welcome to Twitter ex-Orient skipper John Mackie! The big defender-turned-greengrocer uses the social network for an entertaining mix of football banter - "Come on the Os! Fucking liven up" - market-related pleas for help - "Looking for any unique mens or ladies clothing to sell on busy camden st stall" - and outright abuse: "The FA should also ban steve Evans from eating anymore food aswell!the fat horrible c*nt". Most touchingly, however, John provides restaurant advice to former celebrity females, as shown in this reply to Lisa Snowdon. Sadly Lisa is yet to visit the fruit stall. Or reply.

Statto corner... So far 100% of Orient's goals this season have come from set pieces. But this team have a long way to go to beat the squad of 1994/95, who maintained this record for 46 games, albeit through scoring only three goals the entire season, all of which came from the head of Colin West.

Tranmere Rovers 3 Leyton Orient 1, 18/8/12

A game in which… Orient 2012/13 did a pretty good impression of a football team. Unfortunately that football team was Orient 2011/12. Yes, this was a performance that picked off where last season ended: idea-less in the opponents’ half, susceptible in defence and lacking in cutting edge.

So while the gritty 6ft-plus ballwinners added to the team at least gives us a bit of bite in midfield, without any playmakers (like Matthew Spring) or someone to carry the ball forward (like Stephen Dawson), our ability to unlock an opposition defence is akin to a gang of safecrackers who turn up at Fort Knox armed with nothing but a feather duster and a blancmange.

Moment of magic… Slim pickings here, but let’s go for Michael Symes, who by the looks of him has never had slim pickings of anything in his life. Still, the former Rochdale man did at least convert the soft penalty awarded to Orient as a consolation.

Moment of madness… Tranmere’s decision to excessively time-waste when 3-0 up when they could quite easily have scored a hatful more. Hope you don’t miss out on the play-offs on goal difference, lads!

Knight in shining armour… Until he got injured, Scott Cuthbert was holding the defence together like a valiant firefighter putting out a raging inferno with his own bare hands while those around him flapped around aimlessly firing toy water pistols and throwing cups of Ribena.

Pantomime horse… No, not David Mooney today, but new right back Lloyd James. The new signing spent the first half hour repeatedly gifting the ball to the opposition as if he was in some sort of Olympic-inspired pageant-swapping ritual in which Tranmere refused to take part. Worse still, for the home side’s first goal right back Zoumana Bakayogo didn’t so much as leave him for dead, but battered him over the head with a blunt instrument and dumped him in the Wirral.

In the dug out… Kevin Nugent: “Hey Russ, we’re 2-0 down with 25 minutes to go and things don’t seem to be working – reckon we should change things round a bit? Maybe make a substitution? Perhaps bring on one of the two strikers you’ve only just signed?” Russell Slade: “That’s the sort of kneejerk tactical naivety I’d expect from you, Nuge. If big Clarko can stuff one in the mixer and big Moono can get on the… oh, they’ve scored again.”

Opposition view… Tranmere fan Paul Harper says, politely: “I thought Tranmere dominated for 70 minutes and played some good stuff. We scored three very good goals. Orient looked lacklustre until the final 20 minutes. They stepped it up at the end and threw people forward, but it was too little too late.”

Meanwhile on Twitter… Terrible news for Jimmy Smith when - as this picture he tweeted shows - he became stuck in a massage chair in an M1 service station for 27 hours and was thus unable to play in today's game. What - he was playing?! Did anyone see him? Did he do anything? 

Statto corner… This was Orient’s 26^th consecutive opening-day defeat, the last victory coming in 1986 when Terry Howard bamboozled the Brentford defence by wandering on to the pitch unnoticed 38 minutes into the game having been persuaded to watch ‘one last race’ at Walthamstow Dogs. 

Leyton Orient's 10 worst summer signings of the century

Orient, it's fair to say, have a pretty mixed record in the summer transfer market. Sometimes we'll sign a player who turns out to be dud, while at other times we'll sign a player who turns out to be a dud, but then miraculously goes on to play in the Premier League.

And before you start complaining, this is about performances in an Orient shirt, rather than the quality of the player over the course of their career.

Here, then, after literally seconds of painstaking research, is my top 10 worst summer signings of the century...

10. Lee Thorpe (signed summer 2002)

The theory: The summer of 2002 was the chance for new manager Paul Brush to throw off the shackles of the Tommy Taylor era, to begin a brave new world at Brisbane Road, to bring pride back to Leyton Orient. But instead of all that he signed Lee Thorpe.
The reality: While the ex-Lincoln man was definitely the more effective of his occasional strike partnership with Gary Taylor-Fletcher, that is essentially like claiming that Paris Hilton is an intellectual giant when compared to a lamppost.
Where is he now? After floating around League Two for a number of years, Thorpe made 20 appearances for Evo-Stik Division One North side AFC Fylde, before retiring from football in December 2011 to concentrate on coaching.

9. Alan White (2004)

The theory: Martin Ling's first full season in charge of Orient found him trying to shore up a defence that had shipped 65 league goals during the previous campaign. Key to this was ex-Colchester United centre back Alan White.
The reality: White helped Ling's Orient ship 67 league goals over the course of the season.
Where is he now? After a few seasons of League Two kick and rush for various clubs including Notts County and Darlington, White signed for Blyth Spartans in the Conference North in 2011 and scored an own goal on his debut. Was transferred to fellow Conference North outfit Harrogate Town in 2012 and turned out a handful of times for them last season.

8. Adrian Patulea (2009)

The theory: "Adrian Patulea is an out-and-out goal scorer," said manager Geraint Williams on signing the Romanian from Lincoln City in 2009. "He just loves being in and around the 18-yard box."
The reality: Adrian certainly did love being in and around the 18-yard box and could regularly be seen there during the substitutes' half-time kickabouts. When actually involved in a game, Patulea - who laboured under the nickname Dracula - was about as useful as a vegetarian buffet to a vampire.
Where is he now? After failing to impress at Hereford United, Adrian returned to his native Romania in August 2011 to play for second tier side FC Farul Constanta, before joining CSMS Lasi - apparently a football club and not, as the name suggests, the Romanian police force's special dog unit.

7. Aaron Brown (2010)

The theory: For his first full season in charge, boss Russell Slade needed to shore up a back line that had nearly got Orient relegated. Eschewing the Brisbane Road tradition of signing defenders under 5ft 6in, he plumped for promising Aldershot big lad Aaron Brown.
The reality: Brown spent the majority of the season on the bench, occasionally lumbering inanely up the touchline like a school kid with a growth spurt who's not allowed to play with the other boys in case he breaks them. On the pitch, he almost single-handedly lost Orient's FA Cup tie against non-league Droylsden.
Where is he now? Aaron returned to Aldershot for the 2011/12 season, where he played 10 games before, presumably in a case of mistaken identity, he was snapped up by Graham Westley's Preston. Although playing four games for the Lilywhites - including one as striker! - he was released as the end of the season and joined Maltese side Floriana, who didn't bother to pay him. Joined Irish side Limerick in March 2013.


6. Jamie Cureton (2011)

The theory: Despite scoring 18 goals in the 2010/11 season, 37-year-old Scott McGleish was released on account of his ageing joints. Russell Slade presumably wanted a sprightly youngster to lead his attack, so he signed 35-year-old Jamie Cureton.
The reality: Orient's new tactics for that season of playing 4-4-FUCKING LUMP IT hardly suited a proven goal poacher like Cureton. That said, on the rare occasions the former Exeter man did find himself with the ball at his feet in front of goal he showed all the prowess of a stage-frightened eight-year-old asked to deliver the Battle of Agincourt speech from Shakespeare's Henry V. He scored one meaningless goal in 19 meaningless appearances.
Where is he now? About to start banging them in for Cheltenham Town in League Two, having netted 15 times for Exeter City in 2012/13.

5. Michael Symes (2012)

The theory: Perceiving that League One had become a lot more physical, Russell Slade wanted to bring in some strength up front.
The reality: Symes had strength, it was just all the other skills required of a professional footballer that were missing. Imagine going out to buy an iPad and coming back with an abacus. Symes was that abacus, and you could count on him to be 15 yards off the pace, lumbering round the pitch like an overweight hippopotamus woozily trying to shake off the effects of a tranquiliser dart.
Where is he now? Back at Brisbane Road after a loan spell at Burton Albion and desperate to show what he can do. Which is apparently putting 37 doughnuts in his mouth at the same time.

4. James Scowcroft (2009)

The theory: "He's clever, he can lead the line really well for us," said manager Geraint Williams of his new signing James Scowcroft in the summer of 2009. Williams wanted a striker with experience, and there was no denying that the former Crystal Palace man had pedigree.
The reality: Scowcroft had pedigree, but apparently it was Pedigree Chum. Or at least something was weighing him down. Zero goals in 26 appearances tells its own story.
Where is he now? After a brief spell at Ryman Premier League outfit Bury Town on a pay to play deal - he paid them, presumably - Scowcroft retired from football. Now coaches at Ipswich Town and writes for The Independent.

3. Joe Dolan (2005)

The theory: Martin Ling set to put right his frankly abysmal record of signing centre backs with the capture of 6ft 4in Joe Dolan in 2005. A former Chelsea trainee and fixture in the Millwall defence, what could possibly go wrong?
The reality: What could possibly go right? This hulking mass of walking ineptitude made only two first team appearances, the second of which found him in a battle with Bristol Rovers' Junior Agogo that was so painfully mismatched it was like watching Vladimir Klitschko go 12 rounds with Dale Winton.
Where is he now? Joe has played for 12 clubs since leaving Orient, mostly in the Conference South. He returned to Brisbane Road last season with Bromley for an FA Cup match, then went on to play for Havant & Waterlooville, scoring an injury-time winner that saved them from relegation in their last game of the 2011/12 season. They rewarded him by not renewing his contract, and he's since retired from playing. Now Head of Education at Crystal Palace Football Club. (Insert your own joke here.)

2. Clayton Fortune (2006)

The theory: Orient had just been promoted to League One, had lost Gabriel Zakuani to Fulham and were relying on the creaking legs of John Mackie at the back. Help was needed, and Martin Ling deemed that that help was going to come from Port Vale man Clayton Fortune.
The reality: Even now Orient fans still scratch their head in bemusement over Clayton Fortune. Did Ling actually intend to sign his cousin Jonathan Fortune? Was he being filmed for a Channel 4 Faking It documentary? Was the whole thing a dream? Over the two years that Fortune was one of Orient's highest paid players he turned out a grand total of 10 times, each and every one a pantomime horse display of comedy defending.
Where is he now? Played for Weston-super-Mare in the Conference South before making seven appearances for Aldershot in 2010/11. Retired from football and now describes himself as "Agent. Coach. Retail Supervisor." Presumably working in JD Sports, then.

1. Gary Taylor-Fletcher (2001)

The theory: When manager Tommy Taylor saw Gary Fletcher (as he was then) turn out for Northwich Victoria against the Os in the 2000/01 FA Cup he presumably thought to himself, "One day that boy's going to play in the Premier League." £50,000 later and the striker was turning out in an Orient shirt.
The reality: While Tommy Taylor spent 2010/11 admiring Taylor-Fletcher on Match Of The Day and getting a tattoo proclaiming 'I told you so' on his forehead, Orient fans can only shudder at the memory of two seasons of crimes against football so ghastly that even Hannibal Lecter might have thought them a bit excessive.
Where is he now? Regularly rubbing Orient fans' faces in the dirt while playing for Blackpool.