Leyton Orient 1 Carlisle United 2, 4/2/17

A game which... was preceded by a major selection headache for Orient latest's puppet manager Danny Webb. Namely: could he find 11 players whose registration papers were in order and weren't being frozen out Francesco Becchetti? Thankfully he managed to rustle up a few kids from the local park, a couple of guys who Rob Gagliardi had identified on FM17 and some bloke who'd once almost made it into the five-a-side team of the Stevenage branch of Specsavers.

Incredibly this bunch put up more fight than we've probably seen all season at Brisbane Road. They were still pretty much useless, mind, but God knows it's a big ask for this lot to get us out of the total mess Mr Becchetti has left us in. Still, respect to them for giving it a go and perhaps an infinitesimal glimmer of hope that we won't be relegated.

Today's team 

Jump off your seat moment... The moment Gavin Massey scored a goal that wasn't at the time required to be preceded by the word "consolation". To clarify for more recent fans of Leyton Orient: a "goal" – as opposed to a "consolation goal" – is something that was occasionally witnessed at Brisbane Road mostly during the 1970s and in 2013/14. Of course, by the second half Massey's goal had actually become a "consolation goal" and the order of the universe was thus restored. 

Give that man a medal... Actually Gavin Massey again for running his socks off and being a constant menace to the ball boys on the side of the pitch and sometimes the Carlisle defence. If we are going to have any chance of staying up we're going to need wily old pros like Massey (24), Tom Parkes (25), Nigel Atangana (27) and Nicky Hunt (58) to stand up and be counted.  

Taxi for... Now, it's easy to mock Rowan Liburd's performance today, but let's get some perspective here guys: he's severely lacking match practice. That's because he's evidently never played a football match in his life. Give him time to learn the basics and we could have a 20-goal a man in our 2026/27  season in the Essex Olympian Senior League Premier Division. (Yeah, I did the math.) 

In the dug out... It was a curious decision for Danny Webb to turn up to his first match dressed as a Romford estate agent, but fair play to him for trying to patch up the footballing equivalent of a crumbling tenement block that the owner has deliberately set fire to. I mean, Webb has essentially been tasked with saving Orient from relegation not with one hand tied behind his back, but with both hands figuratively chopped off and buried in an Albanian waste dump. If he can pull it off it will count as the greatest Orient managerial feat of all time. 

Danny Webb

Meanwhile on Twitter... "The manager explained his decision to me and I respect that" tweeted Alex Cisak in explanation of being dropped not just from the team, but the whole squad. Webb himself claimed that "it's not that Alex has done anything particularly wrong" but that "we have Alex, Charlie Grainger and Sam all going for the number one jersey." Or to put it another way, "We have an international goalkeeper with nearly 200 senior appearances who's pretty much solely responsible for Orient not already being down, and a 20-year-old and 19-year-old with three appearances between them all going for the number one jersey." 

So you don't have to be tin-hatted conspiracy nut to infer that transfer-listed Cisak was dropped for something other than footballing reasons, not least because on what planet would you throw an untested teenager into a relegation dogfight in League Two? Or rather, there's not exactly a shortage of evidence of Francesco Becchetti freezing out players and interfering in team affairs. 

Not blaming Webb personally - seems like a decent guy and I'd probably buy a property off him - but it's yet another example of the psychopathic mismanagement that stems directly from Francesco Becchetti. It's almost as if the Italian is upset that Donald Trump is getting so much publicity of late so has decided to take his own narcissistic megalomania off the fucking scale in response. 

As Donald himself would tweet: "Sad". 

Not a patch on Francesco Becchetti 

Leyton Orient 1 Carlisle United 2, 29/9/15

A game in which... the cracks in Leyton Orient became deep ravines, much in the way Andy
Hessenthaler's face has evolved over the years. For what might have previously been described as minor wobble has now become evidence that much more needs to be done if we're going to get out of this division.

Yes, yes we had loads of chances – approximately 478 in the first 15 minutes of the second half – but if you don't score them and then give away stupid goals it's futile to bemoan our luck. Especially for five games in a row. Jay Simpson is going to have off days, and Dean Cox can't score a wonder goal every week, so someone needs to figure out some other ways for Orient to win.

Jump off your seat moment... The moment when Andy Hessenthaler quite literally did jump off his seat in an apparent effort to play peacemaker in a mild verbal clash between Ian Hendon and Keith Curle. Turns out Orient's assistant boss is the world's worst peacemaker as his method of arbitration involved massively inflaming the situation then getting sent off. Next week: Hessenthaler attempts to reunite the Labour Party by punching Jeremy Corbyn and Liz Kendall in the face.

Give that man a medal... Poor Mathieu Baudry. Playing in League Two, he must feel like a sophisticated French epicurean forced to eat in an Aberdeen Angus Steak House every week. Against Carlisle tonight the centre back avoided metaphorically vomiting all over pitch (Connor Essam did that for him) and instead repeatedly chewed up and spat out the opposition attack. Nice goal too.

Taxi for... Is Ollie Palmer the new Shaun Batt / Jonathan Tehoué? By this I don't mean "Can he DJ?" or "Could he down a KFC Family Bucket in one gulp?", but rather: Is he a player that can only create impact off the bench? Because after a game-changing substitute appearance against Wycombe Wanderers, the big striker hasn't done much in his two subsequent starts, and tonight missed a couple of fairly presentable chances.

In the dug out... To diamond or not to diamond, that isn't the question according to Ian Hendon, who said after the game: "Don't talk to me about formations, pal, I got formations coming out of my arse. What we need is the rub of the green, and by that I mean I'm simply hoping that if I keep doing exactly the same thing over and over again then we might get lucky at some point. What's that expression about even a broken clock being correct twice a day? Well, I only need it to be correct once or sometimes twice a week, so we should be fine I think." I'm paraphrasing a bit here, obviously.

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Honeymoon period is over" tweeted fan BenLOFC after the match, quite correctly, though I'd suggest that if Orient's current form is a figurative post-wedding holiday then it is one in which the bride has run off with a local barman, the groom has third-degree sunburn and Olly Murs is the headline act at the hotel's cabaret night. On a more serious note, Orient clearly need more depth in their squad. I'd venture another striker, a more experienced left-back, and an additional winger. Think we're ok for central midfielders for the time being though...

GUEST POST! Leyton Orient 4 Carlisle United 0, 11/1/14

I followed this match via Twitter from a graffiti-strewn techno club in a subterranean bunker under Berlin. Luckily Andy Brown - blogger extraordinaire from WAGU and The Two Unfortunates - was actually at Brisbane Road and has stepped in with his own version of the day's events...

Carlisle's defending

A game in which...Orient were so ridiculously dominant in their first home fixture of the year that the game should have been declared a TKO after 66 minutes when Kevin Lisbie lashed the Os' third in off the post. 

Poor Carlisle looked like Audley Harrison on the ropes and must be sick of the sight of Orient after two 4-1 maulings last season and a 5-1 stuffing on the opening day, as Orient came at them again and again and could have scored more.

Orient's trio of new loans looked quick and sharp looked lethal: Ness lashing in a lovely 25-yard volley off the post, Loza looking lively again and Shaq Coulthirst refusing to give up and taking the ball around Carlisle keeper Fleming in injury time. 

Moment of magic... Moses Odubajo's "Cruyff turn"  in the second half to take himself away from three players and get a cross in towards Loza. Call it cheeky, call it flamboyant, it had no place in a League One football match and was made all the sweeter by the look on Carlisle Matty Robson's face as he attempted to chase and kick Orient's number 11 into the West Stand... and promptly missed that as well. 

Moment of madness...Sky’s continuous Orient amnesia on Goals Now with the Os seemingly written out of the season like Stalinist purges. After showing Brentford and Wolves’ goals, they conclude with “So that wraps up the top of League One.” Er, no it doesn’t. 

Scott Cuthbert

Top gun... Scott Cuthbert, proving that Tuesday's slightly below par performance was a blip as he defended stoically and marauded up and down the right flank like a terrier with a pork chop, as well as scoring a bullet header from a Cox corner to put the Os 1-0 up. Plaudits also go to Moses Odubajo and Dean Cox, both of whom looked like Usain Bolt compared to the Carlisle full backs, and Kevin Lisbie who looked formidable holding the ball up and creating chances.

Little donkey(s)... The entire Carlisle team have now conceded 17 in their last four matches against Orient. They say don't get mad, get even. Carlisle are doing neither. Matty Robson, for one, was run ragged and frankly embarrassed for 90 minutes by Moses Obubajo and is probably considering doing something else on Saturdays in future. 

In the dug out... Russell Slade is displaying Yoda-like wisdom this season. Bartley started well and looked

Russell Slade

good again until injured and all the players that started outclassed their opposite numbers in a scintillating display of attacking prowess. By the time the young loanees came on it was almost cruel, with Loza and Coulthirst running a bedraggled Carlisle ragged before bagging a fourth in the 95th minute.

 

View from the opposition... "Orient deserve all the praise they get. Solid platform combined with plenty of thrust. Hope they keep it up" wrote Carlisle fan John McGee in a fair, honest and generous view of the Os' performance. Jake, on the other hand, who likes to make friends and influence people, tweeted "Can't wait till West Ham get the Olympic stadium and Orient go bust". Very good, Jake. Are you bitter by any chance?

Tweet of the week.... Three crackers this week: Firstly Huw Davies tweeted this Vine of Relegation Roger’s defending against Man City for West Ham. Think Bobby Moore v Pele, only without the tackle bit. Second up, Os former promotion-winning captain John Mackie claiming that it's not pants or socks, but his occasional column in the Os' programme that's responsible for Orient winning matches. Nice idea, John, but what about away games? And lastly Dean Cox gets a mention for his #askcoxy interview, in which he admitted that he doesn't like the Tiny Cox chant, but knows he's doing something right when the fans sing it. Naturally he heard it a lot today!

Leyton Orient 4 Carlisle United 1, 16/3/13

A game in which... Orient found victory so easy that by the time they were 3-0 up they began nonchalantly caressing the ball around like they'd suddenly been possessed by the spirits of the current Barcelona squad. Inevitably about six seconds later this hugely inappropriate showboating led directly to a Carlisle goal, demonstrating the reality that Orient have more in common with Lionel Blair than Lionel Messi.

Still, let that not detract from the fact that this is a team in a rich vein of form, one that will almost certainly lead to them losing 4-0 to already-relegated Oldham on the final day of the season when a draw would have been enough to see them into the play-offs. Bring it on!

Moment of magic... What a great moment it was to see David Mooney - just seconds after coming on as a substitute - embark on a rampage towards goal that was so determined and dexterous it was like watching a canny Irishman weaving in the direction of the bar for last orders in a rammed Kilburn pub. If they'd been present, Sean Thornton and JJ Melligan would have looked on approvingly - assuming they could still see straight after 29 pints of Guinness, that is.

Moment of madness... When the unfortunate Scott Cuthbert was hit plum in the, well, plums yet managed to stay defiantly on his feet until the ball had gone out of play. We've always suspected the Scottish defender possessed balls of steel. Turns out he quite literally has.

Romain Vincelot swapped this for
Leyton High Road

Knight in shining armour... Amara Simba, Jonathan Tehoue, Mathieu Baudry... The list of great French players to wear the Orient shirt, well, stops there... Or does it, for on today's performance Orient fans could soon be singing the name of Romain Vincelot, if only they knew how to pronounce it. The former Brighton man played with inexplicable joie de vivre considering he's swapped cafe au laits on the Champs-Elysees for the vomit-splattered streets of Leyton. Vive la difference! 

Pantomime horse... No bad performances from anyone in an Orient shirt today, so let's instead take a moment to ridicule Carlisle's back-up keeper Adam Collin, whose first action of the game was to pick Kevin Lisbie's penalty out of the net. He followed that by almost slicing the ball into his own goal, then did exactly the same thing again seconds later as if he was participating in an exercise at the Glenn Morris School of Kicking for Keepers. He did pull off a blinding save from Lee Cook, mind.

In the dugout... "It's been a perfect week," said Russell Slade after the match, presumably forgetting the fact that in between Orient's three victories he'd lost two games of Monopoly at Kevin Dearden's legendary "Burgers, Beer, Board Games and Burgers" night in at his gaff. Fair play to the manager, though, for he's managed to get his team ticking at the business end of the season. God knows, if he actually figures out how to win a game before October one season we might actually get promoted.

Meanwhile on Twitter... A picture is worth a thousands words, but in the case of this photo of Dean Cox kindly tweeted by Adam Meagher, all those thousand words are 'WHY?'.

Statto corner... Kevin Lisbie's 13th league goal puts him in equal sixth place in the division's top scorers table. The last time an Orient player actually topped the chart was in the 1966/67 season when centre half Anthony Alan Ackerman took the number one spot before a ball was even kicked, simply by virtue of his alphabetically convenient name.

Leyton Orient 0 Carlisle United 0, 12/4/11

A game in which... Orient subjected Carlisle to the sort of onslaught you'd expect to see if the entire might of the US military decided to wage war against a platoon of Lego soldiers. Unfortunately this took place only in the final five minutes of the game, when the Os had a number of gilt-edged chances to steal the three points. Before that each team had spells of dominance, though in truth it was Carlisle who looked more likely to win the game, only for an inspired Jamie Jones and the underside of the crossbar to stand in their way.

Moment to savour... Jamie Jones's first half save in which he managed to palm a deflected ball around the post despite travelling in the wrong direction. It was one of a number of classy stops by the Orient number one, whose Charlton nightmare is now well and truly consigned to a cut-price DVD entitled Hilarious Goalkeeping Blunders Volume 76, narrated by Bob Mills.

Head in hands moment... When, in the dying minutes, Paul-Jose M'Poku sent over a delightful cross at about knee-height, meaning that the onrushing Dean Cox had no choice but to head it, and somehow managed to spoon it over the bar from all of three yards.

King for a day... Presumably Elliot Omozusi must have got a heavy knock on the head at the start of the second half, causing his brain to be temporarily tricked into thinking it was inhabiting the body of an actual footballer. Time and time again the centre-back turned his man inside his own penalty box and then sent Orient on the attack with precision-guided passes to Charlie Daniels. What next for Omozusi - heading the ball anywhere other than directly up in the air?

Boo boy... No one in particular, but let's slap the wrists of Stephen Dawson for pointlessly getting himself booked in the first few minutes for backchat, rendering himself unable to tackle properly for the rest of the game. And Adam Chambers too, for a Rory McIlroy-sized choke in front of goal at the death. I'm not saying the chance was easy, but if it were a barmaid it would be giving punters a hand job out the back for a fiver a pop.

In the dug out... At last, Big Russ gives Paul-Jose M'Poku more than 12 minutes to work his magic! Unfortunately for the majority of his half an hour on the pitch the Belgian winger was playing out of position in the centre of attack. But never mind that, for at times this season Orient have played some football that is so divine it's almost impregnanted a couple of virgins in the South Stand. And for that we have Russell Slade to thank.

What would Martin Ling have done? Given a rousing, ball-busting pre-match speech to fire the team up for a final push for the play-offs. 'I quoted Churchill,' he'd say, proudly. 'I've always loved that little dog in the insurance adverts.'

Play-offs? Well, since five of the last six meetings between these sides at Brisbane Road ended in stalemate, this one had a draw written all over it right from the start. Points-wise we're not out of it, but with the luck not flowing, a tired squad and some key injuries, it seems there's now more chance Kate Middleton will rock up to her wedding on a Harley-Davidson than Orient will make the play-offs. Still, don't give up hope just yet...

Why five-goal defeats are good for Orient. Really...

(September 2012 update: I actually wrote this just after we'd been turned over 5-0 by Brighton on New Year's Day 2011. Orient then went on a record-breaking 17-game unbeaten run which, contrary to everything else on this blog, means I was actually correct. Five-goal defeats are good for Orient, so the loss at Goodison Park should be seen as a blessing in disguise. Right?)

Admittedly a 5-0 loss on 1 January isn't the best portent for the next year of football at Leyton Orient. But a look back over the last decade reveals that the Os have been turned over by a five-goal margin on four other occasions, and each time bounced back determinedly.

In other words, this could be a blessing in disguise. And while it's quite difficult to type while clutching a huge fistful of straws, I've amassed some evidence...

Leyton Orient 0 Swansea 5
6 October 2007

What happened? Incredible as it may sound now, Orient went into their 10th game of the 2007/08 season at the summit of League One. Fans were dreaming of promotion to the Championship and mouthwatering trips to the likes of Scunthorpe, Plymouth and Colchester. Unfortunately Swansea came to Brisbane Road and proved that Orient's early season form was just a Zepplin-sized blip, caused mostly by Martin Ling temporarily playing Sean Thornton in his correct position. Psychiatrist-bothering goalkeeper Stuart Nelson throwing four of the five goals into his own net probably didn't help.
But every cloud has a silver lining... In their next league game Orient bounced back with one of their most heroic performances of the decade, holding Leeds to a 1-1 draw at Elland Road despite having only 10 men for 60 minutes of the game and being on the wrong end of a litany of refereeing howlers.

Bournemouth 5 Leyton Orient 0
10 February 2007

What happened? In the 2006/07 season - with Orient back in the third tier - manager Martin Ling employed a quite visionary strategy known as, 'Just give the ball to Locky and hope for the best.' Unfortunately Bournemouth's Darren Anderton was familiar with such a ploy, having once played under the same system for England ('Give it to Gazza, hope for the best'). He scored a hatrick.
But every cloud has a silver lining... Although Orient lost their next league game 4-1 to Brighton, the combined shock of the two defeats spurred the team into a seven-match unbeaten run that allowed them to escape relegation by the skin of their teeth.

Doncaster Rovers 5 Leyton Orient 0
10 January 2004

What happened? Having been officially annointed as Orient manager in December 2004, Martin Ling was learning the ropes the hard way (ie trying to get results from a team containing Tom Newey, David Hunt and Billy Jones). Still, no one except every single Orient fan could have expected the team to go down so miserably to league leaders Doncaster.
But every cloud has a silver lining... A shell-shocked Orient went on to win their next two league games and the experience was part of the learning curve that led Martin Ling to take the team up two seasons later.

Carlisle United 6 Leyton Orient 1
12 January 2002

What happened? Back in the dark days of the early millennium, Orient's away form was like a unicorn. Non-existent. Still, the 100 or so dedicated masochists who made the long, mid-winter trip to Carlisle probably hoped that Orient wouldn't be 3-0 down in the first 18 minutes, or indeed 5-0 down at half-time. Still, if there was ever a manager to pull off a miraculous second-half recovery, it sure as hell wasn't Paul Brush...
But every cloud has a silver lining... Two weeks later Orient travelled to Goodison Park to play Everton in the fourth round of the FA Cup and put in a gutsy and convincing display against a Premier League team. They still lost 4-1, mind.