Wolverhampton Wanderers 1 Leyton Orient 1, 29/12/13

Wolves' pre-match meal

A game in which... the paupers of Leyton just about scraped together enough cash to afford the bus fare to the Midlands to face the fat cats of Wolverhampton, a team so flushed with riches that they eat Alba truffles, beluga caviar and raw hard cash for their pre-match meal and receive payments from the Premier League specifically to buy parachutes. (That's right, isn't it?)

And yet in the second half - despite the fact the entire Orient squad now contains only 13 fit senior pros - it was the away side who were dominating and who looked more likely to win the game. An incredible achievement and yet again a testament to the sheer gutsy resolve of this brilliant team.

What's that? Oh, the first half. Well, Wolves could have been 28-0 up. But if you can't get the ball in the net with a strike force that costs more than the GDP of a medium-sized central European country, you've only got yourself to blame.

Moment of magic... The moment Mathieu Baudry inexplicably found himself in the opposition penalty area experiencing a typically French existential crisis. Just as the defender asked himself 'Why am I here?' the ball arrived at his feet via a sublime Moses Odubajo cross and he was able to tap the ball into the net. C'est pourquoi vous y etiez, Mathieu.

Moment of madness... The moment in the second half when an exposed Jake Larkins found the entire Wolverhampton team charging towards him, £50 notes fluttering from their pockets, after a botched Orient corner. His double save - first from Kevin MacDonald, then from the rebound at the feet of James Henry - was brilliant and epitomised what was for the most part a highly impressive performance by the youngster. 

Top gun... Sawyer, Omozusi, Cox, Simpson and Odubajo all impressed - and Lisbie worked tirelessly - but once again the man of the match was Nathan Clarke. In the first half his performance was that of the captain of a sinking ocean liner single-handedly trying to plug every leak while his terror-stricken crew mates throw themselves into lifeboats and get the hell out of there. He was immense. 

Mathieu Baudry

Little donkey... Putting aside his goal and a much-improved second-half performance, Mathieu Baudry was all over the place in the first half. Whereas once the Frenchman was a gallant musketeer picking off opponents with little more than an inquisitively-raised eyebrow, over the last few games he's been more of an inexperienced Parisian mime artist desperately failing to impress drunken tourists outside the Eiffel Tower. 

In the dug out... To be fair to Russell Slade, like a brothel owner in the midst of clap epidemic, he hasn't exactly got much to work with in terms of fit professionals. But interestingly Orient performed much better after Vincelot's injury forced a reshuffle. What's clear is that Omozusi and Odubajo is the most compelling combination on the right, and given that Sawyer is in good form Slade may have to bite the bullet and leave either Baudry or Cuthbert on the bench. Tough decision, probably made easier by the fact it's unlikely both of them will actually be fit at the same time anyway. 

View from the opposition... "You're just a bus stop in West Ham" chanted the 26,000 home fans in one of the more inventive taunts of Orient. Tweeter @wolves_gossip put it less wittily: "Awww poor Orient fans, they've never won anything and now they've drawn to us they think they've the best team in Europe." Well, no, but forgive us our pleasure for matching a club who pay substitute Kevin Doyle more to get his eyelashes waxed than we can afford to pay our entire squad put together. 

Tweet of the week.... I hate to do this to you, Os fans, but with good comes bad, with yin comes yang, and it is my solemn duty to report that ranting taxi driver, social commentator and one-time football manager John Sitton has, for reasons known only to him and the Devil, tweeted a photo of himself naked. If you're of a nervous disposition, look away now... 

Leyton Orient 2 Shrewsbury Town 1, 10/11/12

A game which... was the footballing proof of the theorem that states if a monkey randomly hits the keys of a typewriter for an infinite amount of time, eventually it will produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Yes, this season Orient have spent what feels like an eternity propelling the ball in the vague direction of the opposition goal and today thanks to the law of probability it actually went in. Twice.

At times they played some nice football too. At times they played some shit football, mind, and while we should celebrate a much-needed victory, it's still only tissue-papering over some Grand Canyon-sized cracks.

Moment of magic... David Mooney's through ball to Moses Odubajo that led to Orient's penalty and first goal at Brisbane Road since 1963. The Irishman seems to divide opinion among fans - some think he's abysmal while others believe he's merely hopeless - but he does have an ability to be both sublime and ridiculous. Today he showed great skill and jaw-dropping ineptitude - usually within the same move. It's like watching Placido Domingo try to sing Olly Murs songs.

Russell Slade selecting today's team

Moment of madness... The point when - thanks to a mistake by the fourth official - it appeared that Russell Slade was going to bring Ryan Brunt on to play at right back in place of Moses Odubajo. Admittedly the manager's selection policy of late (which presumably sees him writing the players' names onto a square peg then manically trying to sledgehammer it through a round hole before giving up and declaring, "Fuck it - Lloyd James in centre midfield") is borderline insane, but even he wouldn't be mad enough to play a striker in defence. He did once play right back Syam Ben Youssef up front, mind.

Knight in shining armour... Kevin Lisbie. If by some miracle we actually avoid relegation this season then our star striker is probably going to be the reason behind it. He's not going to find it easy, though - with the likes of Lloyd James and Jimmy Smith providing the ammunition it's a bit like sending a solider into battle armed with only a Michael Buble CD and a packet of blancmange.

Pantomime horse... Lee Cook's cringeworthy dive in the penalty area makes him a good candidate, though he's excused thanks to the quality of some of his crosses. Why don't we instead ponder on what Jimmy Smith actually brings to the team? Ok, so that's a millisecond of your life you're never going to get back. I guess to be charitable you could say he 'fills a hole'. But then again so does a lump of concrete, and you wouldn't play that in midfield. Unless the only other option is Marc Laird.

In the dug out... Russell Slade turned his back, unable to watch, as Kevin Lisbie strode up to take Orient's penalty today, perhaps suggesting that the team actually play better when the manager isn't paying any attention. If he didn't turn up at all perhaps we could be top of the league?

View from the opposition... "Poor performance from both sides," says Shrewsbury fan Liam Hoofe. "Inability to defend is clearly costing both teams. Rodgers and Taylor were lively for us, Lisbie was impressive for Orient. Both teams will struggle this season. It could have gone either way."

Meanwhile on Twitter... This week saw a truly mindblowing stream of consciousness from everyone's favourite bringer of dinner and former Os' boss John Sitton. His rant careered from X Factor to the Middle East to Paul Burrell to mopeds to planning permission for reservoirs and trying to make sense of it was like figuring out what sort of gameplan one of Sitton's Orient teams were actually playing to. The main target for his wrath, however, turned out to be students: "Burger Pizza Booze.STD'S Marijuana & books" he tweeted, not inaccurately, before leaving all of his followers with this philosophical humdinger: "Marmalade. Why didn't they call it orange jam?"

Statto corner... Despite Russell Slade's midweek claim that Orient were just "inches away" from not being dire, if you total up the distance by which all of this season's failed attempts at goal missed their target, the line actually stretches from Leyton to just north of the planet Jupiter.

FA Cup: Leyton Orient 0 Gillingham 1, 3/12/11

A game in which... Orient played with all the passion and enthusiasm of a hospital nurse tasked with dressing a minor wound sustained by Jeremy Clarkson. Full credit to Gillingham, but the Os did themselves no favours at all today. The first half tactics consisted solely of pumping long balls to a lone striker placed strategically at 15 yards offside. Russell Slade's not afraid to change things round though, oh no, and in the second half the Os came out with a revised plan of pumping long balls to two strikers placed strategically at 15 yards offside.

Moment of magic... There was no magic today, unless you count Marc Laird's now infamous disappearing act, in which he trots out from the tunnel in full view of the crowd, yet somehow manages to remain invisible for the entirety of the game.

Moment of madness... When Ben Alnwick decided to give Gillingham an early Christmas gift by spooning an innocuous back pass directly into the path of one of their strikers, almost ruining Russell Slade's best-laid plans to scrape a 0-0 draw.

King for a day... Scott Cuthbert. Were the entire Orient squad dumped in the middle of an Australian jungle - now there's a thought - then today the former Swindon man would be out killing crocodiles with his teeth while his teammates cowered by the campfire trembling at the sight of small insects.

Pantomime horse... Sadly, George Porter, whose performances tend to be in direct contrast to the quality of the opposition. By that token, he'd presumably tear apart the Barcelona defence yet come unstuck against the overweight left back from the local girls school's under-11 side.

In the dug out... "We've got a lot of soul-searching to do," said Russell after today's game, suggesting that instead of spending the week working on how to create more chances, the squad will peer deep into their own minds to try to establish the root causes of today's loss. God only knows what Jimmy Smith will find there - a pirate DVD of the Transformers movie and a 2-4-1 voucher for Nando's, probably.

A word on the opposition... Fair play to Gillingham, they took advantage of a poor Os performance with a fair degree of class. They'd even handicapped themselves before kick off by apparently weighing down striker Danny Kedwell with 47 doughnuts and a KFC mega-deal.

Meanwhile on Twitter... John Sitton continues to prove he definitely isn't bonkers by singing the footballing praises of Z-list celebrity and former Mr Jade Goody, Jeff Brazier. "Jeff listened, could play, was a good little athlete, cracking little midfield player who had the heart the size of a dustbin lid," tweeted Sitts. Next week: the former Os manager on how he could have avoided relegation if only he'd been allowed to sign H from Steps.

Lesson for the day... Since playing seven midfielders - count 'em - was clearly not sufficient to create any chances, perhaps against Exeter we should go the whole hog and populate the whole team with them. Where's Paul Terry when you need him?

FA Cup: Leyton Orient 3 Bromley 0, 12/11/11

A game in which... Orient did what they had to do. Assuming what they had to do was present opposition from three divisions beneath them with about 10 clear chances to score, that is. Thankfully Bromley couldn't shoot for toffee - indeed, it's unlikely the promise of even the world's finest confectionery could have incentivised them to do anything but pepper the upper reaches of the North and South Stands with goal attempts. Still, their profligacy gave the less-than-fluid Os the chance to flex their muscles in an improved second half performance and book their ticket for the second round.

Moment of magic... A driving run by the impressive Moses Odubajo in the 69th minute. His resulting shot cannoned off the post to the waiting Jimmy Smith, who had cleverly chosen to take no actual part in the game up until this point, thus leaving himself unmarked to score the rebound.

Moment of madness... When Jamie Cureton, having just seen his second-half shot cleared off the line, remonstrated with the linesman, claiming he'd actually scored. He hadn't, but the "Orient Torres" needs a goal soon or his spell at Brisbane Road is likely to be about as memorable as Davina McCall's post-Big Brother career.

Knight in shining armour... Matthew Spring had one of his better days, dictating play, actually passing to other Orient players and scoring a peach of a goal. Indeed, he looked a class above Bromley - suggesting he'd excel in the Blue Square Premier.

Pantomime horse... For his first-half performance, George Porter, who - in stark contrast to the previous week - was owned by the opposition left-back. (Let's call him 'John Smith' for the sake of not having to figure out who he is.) Though the winger redeemed himself in the second half with a blistering goal, it was a reminder that Orient can't rely on Porter alone to provide attacking impetus.

In the dug out... Things were relatively straightforward for Big Russ today, but there are tough times ahead. With Dean Cox leaving the ground on crutches - well, I say crutches, they were actually matchsticks - and apparently out for up to six weeks, the manager is going to have to figure out how to win without his arch creator.

A word on the opposition... It must have being difficult for Joe Dolan to return to Brisbane Road, the place where Junior Agogo once gave him such a roasting that kitchen staff in the Gallery had to be restrained from serving him up with some Brussels sprouts and gravy. But credit to Orient's third worst summer signing of the century - he put in a confident and effective performance and was only at fault for three of the three goals. Just kidding.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Amazing scenes this week as former Orient manager-cum-psychopath John Sitton brought his dinner to Twitter. In a series of 140-character missives the infamous ranter took his social networking sword to his predecessor Peter Eustace ("... slightly to the right of Attila the Hun and Adolf Hitler... "), politicians ("... my family was fucked by the government...") and Channel 4 ("... still furious about the imbalance..."). Tune in here for more...

Lesson for the day... It's never easy playing non-league opposition - at least in the first half before the massive fry-ups the part-time players consume on a daily basis start to weigh them down.

The top ten Leyton Orient videos on YouTube

10. Chris Tate silences the boo boys

The background: It's April 2001, play-off chasing Orient are 1-0 down at Barnet. Manager Tommy Taylor makes a substitution but, shockingly, it's not leading scorer Carl Griffiths coming on, but headless chicken-impersonator Chris Tate.

What happens: Tate, after being booed by his own supporters, scores two goals, the second a breathtaking overhead kick, to win the game for Orient.

Watch closely for: Miniature midfielder John Martin giving away a penalty at the start of the clip. Thankfully Orient have moved on and never sign players under 4ft 9in anymore... Erm, Dean Cox anyone?

9. Loick Pires shows the nation what he's all about

The background: Manager Martin Ling and then, inexplicably, Geraint Williams appear to be labouring under the impression that Loick Pires is a professional footballer.

What happens: Loick proves otherwise in a Soccer AM crossbar challenge.

Watch closely for: Jamie Jones demonstrating he's probably the best striker at the club.

8. A blaster from Bill Roffey

The background: It's Christmas 1973 and Orient are in the promotion places at the top of Division Two. Full back Bill Roffey is playing his ninth game for the club.   

What happens: Roffey fires an exorcet from 35 yards to give Orient a 1-0 win, the beginning of an 11-year stint at Brisbane Road where he became a true fans' favourite.  

Watch closely for: Ricky Heppolette's mazy run - albeit one that takes him smack bang into the nearest defender.

7. The dawn of a new era - well, almost - at Southend

The background: It's August 2007 and Martin Ling has got rid of virtually the entire squad from the previous season. The first game of the new season at Southend introduces fans to the likes of Mkandawire, Thornton, Daniels and Boyd.

What happens: Boyd pops up with minutes to go to give Orient a glorious 2-1 win and begin an unbeaten run that sees the Os top of League One well into November. Sadly, it didn't last.

Watch closely for: Efe Echanomi's trickery in the build up to the goal.

6. Ooooh... A Terry Howard hatrick

The background: Whitbread, Ludden, Bellamy, Warren... Yes, Orient had a pretty average team in the 1992-93 season. But it did have crowd favourite Terry Howard, who was playing in midfield when Brisbane Road welcomed Mansfield Town in November.

What happens: The Os turn over the mighty Mansfield, with three goals from Terry Howard. He was rewarded with the sack two seasons later.

Listen closely for: The crowd chanting "Ooh Terry Howard! Ooh Terry Howard!" as he runs up to take the penalty.

5. Long hair, a mudbath and an amazing comeback

The background: The fifth round of the FA Cup in 1972 saw Orient draw top Divsion One side Chelsea and, inevitably go 2-0 down.

What happens: Phil Hoadley, Mickey Bullock and Barrie Fairbrother score in a 3-2 win that remains one of the Os most famous and satisfying victories.

Watch closely for: The state of the pitch. After Chelsea's second goal it takes all the strength of keeper Ray Goddard to prise himself out of the mudbath.

4. Tehoue Tehoue rocks Arsenal

The background: It's March 2011 and valiant Orient are seconds away from a respectable 1-0 defeat to a star-studded Arsenal team in the fifth round of the FA Cup.

What happens: Super-sub Jonathan Tehoue displays all the speed off the mark of an ailing oil tanker to bamboozle the Arsenal defence and slot in a goal that rocks Brisbane Road to its foundations.

Watch closely for: Fans on the balcony of one of the corner flats celebrating wildly by holding up the letters OIEN.

3. Matt Lockwood's 13-minute hatrick staves off relegation

The background: It's September 2006 and Orient are already looking nailed on for relegation. They're 3-0 down at home to Gillingham with 13 minutes left on the clock.

What happens: Figuring that the likes of Brian Saah were hardly going to get the Os out of trouble, left back Matt Lockwood takes matters into his own hands and scores three goals, securing a vital point.

Watch closely for: The delightful reverse pass laid on by the underrated Daryl McMahon for the third goal.

 














2. 14 seconds of madness as Orient secure promotion

The background: May 2006. Orient need to match Grimbsy's result to secure promotion, but are drawing 2-2 with Oxford while the Mariners are 1-0 up against Northampton. It's four minutes into added time.

What happens: Just as news comes through of a Northampton equaliser, Gary Alexander threads a curling ball into the box. Thankfully it falls to Lee Steele rather than the equally well-placed Jabo Ibehre, who doubtlessly would have spooned the ball over the bar off his elbow. Steele makes no mistake.

Listen closely for: Commentator Andrew Buonocore virtually vomiting up his internal organs with excitement.

1. "Bring ya dinner"

The background: February 1995 and Orient are second from bottom in Division Two and losing 1-0 at home to Blackpool. Co-manager John Sitton beings his half-time team talk...

What happens: Where to begin? In two glorious minutes of managerial meltdown Sitton sacks defender Terry Howard and offers to fight two other players.

Watch closely for: One of the greatest sentences in football history: "And you can pair up if you like, and you can fucking pick someone else to hold your hand, and you can bring your fucking dinner, because by the time I've finished with you, you'll fucking need it."

Honourary mentions

 

Sitton may be the obvious choice for number one but, hey, it's probably the only video that non-Orient fans regularly enjoy on YouTube and we should take whatever recognition we can. The entire Orient: Club For A Fiver documentary is now on YouTube in five parts. And if you're pushed for time, simply get the key Sitton quotes to the the tune of the Prodigy instead. Or, if you prefer your music to be spirit-crushingly awful (David Gray fans, I'm talking to you) here's one former Orient player rapping.
 
Matt Lockwood's hatrick against Gillingham was of course one of the highlights of his career - the other was his 30-yard goal against Hull City in the 2001/02 play-off semi-final, which kicks off this rather over-the-top tribute to the frizzy-haired left-back, compiled by someone named, spookily, mattlockwood3. You can also enjoy him scoring against Southend in 1998.

This bust-up during an Orient v Brentford game in 1991 is also pretty entertaining viewing, not least for Steve Castle getting tasty with his right fist. The last word, however, goes to a Millwall fan, who has this to say about the travelling Orient support...