Johnstone's Paint Trophy: Gillingham 1 Leyton Orient 0, 7/12/14

A game which... served as a telling – if rather depressing – counterpoint to the 5-1 victory that Orient enjoyed over Gillingham just eight months ago, when we ran them ragged and scored this incredible team goal. But we've plummeted such depths since then it's a surprise the team don't run out wearing deep-sea diving suits.

In fact, that wouldn't have made them any less mobile, because to be less mobile than today's performance would be impossible. I mean, yes, we did knock the ball around a bit in the first two-thirds of the pitch and fashion a couple of half-chances, but it was all pretty uninspiring. Chuck in the inevitable concession from a set piece and Orient's season is now swimming with the fishes.

Jump off your seat moment... There were no jump off your seat moments. But I did slightly raise one eyebrow in anticipation when substitute Shaun Batt crossed into the path of Bradley Pritchard who appeared to only have to breath on the ball to put it into the open net. Instead he chose to collapse in a heap on the ground so I could happily return my eyebrow to its default Orient 2014/15 setting of weary resignation.

Give that man a medal... Well done Gary Sawyer who was flawless in defence and provided a hint of attacking impetus. Maybe he could play left back, Dossena left midfield and Cox right midfield? God knows we have to try something different. Maybe he could play in goal and Legzdins up front? Maybe Mooney could play in central defence? Maybe Jobi McAnuff could play at all?

Taxi for... Gianvito Plasmati. Now, if the giant Italian is standing still – I say "if", obviously I mean "when" – then he is perfectly adapt at trapping the ball and then laying it off for someone else to cock up. Other than that he appears to have very little other use on a football pitch. Indeed, despite his height he rarely even wins headers, which means he's the worst jumper since this little number sported by Lloyd James.

"Fuck the technical shit..." "To score obviously makes a difference in this sport," said Mauro Milanese after the game, suggesting he really is almost at the point where he actually knows what he's doing. Five straight away defeats and just two victories (against one side bottom of League One and one side in League Two) in his eight games in charge doesn't bode particularly well for the future though.

Meanwhile on Linked In... Let's step away from the gloom of Orient for a moment to stalk today's referee Trevor Kettle on Linked In.

The Business Development Executive and worst referee in the whole of human history claims that he "thrives of delivering quality output". If you say so Trevor. "My strengths are my inter-personnel" he adds, somehow managing to break at least 14 different rules of grammar in one five-word phrase and possibly contradicting his later assertion that he has "excellent communication skills".

Still, he also says he's good at "simplifying complex matters and providing clear guidance." Want to be manager of Orient pal?

Johnstone's Paint Trophy: Leyton Orient 2 Northampton Town 0, 11/11/14

A game in which... the 48 fans that bothered to turn up saw things they wouldn't believe: an Orient player score a one-on-one, a Marvin Bartley goal, a home victory... And all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain. 

Yes, that's right readers, I'm almost certainly alienating 75% of you by trying to riff on the 1982 sci-fi film Blade Runner, but tonight did feel like a glimpse into the future. And by that I mean we'll probably fare ok when we're in League Two next season. Just kidding – actually there were signs of progress in a more solid defensive performance, an industrious display in midfield and encouraging interplay between strikers Simpson and Dagnall. Not quite time to die yet, then. (Here endeth the Blade Runner references.) 

Jump off your seat moment... A delightfully mazy run into the penalty box by Chris Dagnall at the start of the second half. He weaves left, he weaves right, he weaves left again, he briefly stumbles over his own Scouse accent, he breaks free on the edge of the six-yard box, he sets himself up for goal of the season... Oh, he's spooned his shot into the far corner of the south stand. Still, a great shift by the bearded goal-nipper. 

Give that man a medal... Now, Marvin Bartley was by no means the best player on the pitch tonight, but he possibly wasn't the worst and, by Christ, that's progress. A couple of his passes weren't backwards, a couple of his tackles weren't mistimed and – to top it all – he sealed victory with a well-taken goal that almost certainly wasn't a miscued cross. Do the Bartman? Yes I do. 

Taxi for... Gary Sawyer. Not because he played badly – he didn't – but because with the arrival of Champions League-pedigreed Andrea Dossena it looks like his days of being fifth-choice left-back after Omozusi, Lowry, Pritchard, Ling and Ada the kit man are numbered. Personally I always thought that when he wasn't being torn apart by Carl Baker he was pretty decent. Wanna make something of it? 

"Fuck the technical shit"... Mauro Milanese might just have saved his job with his first win in four attempts as Orient's caretaker-interim-temporary-manager. How did he do it? By playing the 11 fit professionals available to him mostly in their correct positions. But, joking aside, this was a markedly improved performance and from tiny seeds a mighty trunk may grow. Which begs the question: what the hell did he have planted in his head to explain that hair? 

Meanwhile on Twitter... For on-loan Orient midfielder Josh Wright there are many advantages to being the less-famous sibling to Mark Wright of The Only Way is Essex and Strictly Come Dancing and Jess Wright of The Only Way Is Essex and... well, just that. He gets VIP entry to Faces, Gants Hill, for example while lesser names such as, ooh, let's say Jimmy Smith, are left #fuming in the queue. But perhaps the best is that he gets Orient cup cakes made for him bearing his likeness, as seen in this photo he tweeted last week. Eat my face! 

GUEST POST! Notts County 0 Leyton Orient 0, 8/3/14

Much as I'd have loved to have travelled 1,000 miles to watch Orient draw 0-0 with Notts County, I, erm, didn't. But never mind: Andy Brown - Orient blogger for WAGU and The Two Unfortunates - loves a hearty goal-less draw. Here's his account of the game...

Meadow Lane

A game which... resembled two men in sumo suits wrestling in a paddy field. Yup, the best thing about this game was the weather, which was so balmy that the Notts County ground staff spent 30+ minutes using sprinklers before the game. Add into the mix poor refereeing and you have all the ingredients of a scintillating game of one-touch passing football… or at least my neck hurts from watching the ball spend most of its time being hoofed aimlessly into the air.

After a 6-0 spanking at Rotherham the previous week, Notts set up in order not to get beaten with five in midfield. Tactically it worked as the Os were outnumbered in a scrappy battle. Orient failed to get their passing going on the ridiculous pitch, giving the ball away when in possession and looked second best for the first half despite improving in the second.

Save for a Moses Odubajo shot that clipped the bar, Orient were sloppy in possession and had no answer to a dogged Notts County team. They will need to be much better if they want to hold on to a place in the top two.

Moment of magic... In an homage to International Women’s Day, I took a trip to Hooters (for those who don’t know, it’s a tacky wine bar/bistro place full of women in tight tops and hot pants. Disclaimer: it is near the ground). This was preceded by a drink in Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem (which claims to be the oldest drinking establishment in Britain, founded in 1189 AD and frequented by Richard I’s Crusaders on their way to Jerusalem). It was real sublime to the ridiculous cultural pub-hopping and better than any of the rubbish served up by either team.

Moment of madness... Apart from Scott Cuthbert almost giving Notts a first-minute head start (he did improve), today it goes to the groundsmen for some 1950s/60s-style sabotage, watering a terrible churned up pitch for a lengthy period of time before the game and at half time, that effectively destroyed any chance the game had of being a passable footballing spectacle.

Top gun... Few players stood out in this attritional hoof-fest but once again Eldin Jakupovic looked solid and confident in goal and dealt comfortably with anything that came his way. Shaun Batt is worthy of note too as Orient looked far more dangerous once he came on in the 71st minute as he time and again wrestled his way through a determined Notts rear-guard.

Notts County's Jack Grealish

Little donkey(s)... There are two candidates for this award. Jack Grealish, the young Aston Villa winger clearly fancies himself as Joey Essex. With his socks rolled down and petulant swagger, it took all the patience of saints for the Os players to avoid hacking him down after several  dives.

Gary Sawyer, meanwhile, looked hopelessly out-of-his-depth against a marauding Jamal Campbell-Ryce (the best player on the pitch) who easily looked a class above his opposite number at full back. Maybe it’s hard to blame Sawyer against an excellent opponent, but several times Clarke and Cuthbert had to cover for the hapless full back, who had his worst game since the Bristol City home defeat.

In the dugout... Russell Slade set his team out to win the game, whereas Notts set out not to lose with a 4-5-1 formation. Combined with an abysmal pitch and some below par performances from the Os, it’s hard to see what more Slade could have done. However, he is going to have to figure out a plan B to win games as each match becomes more vital for every team in the final run of the season and relegation-threatened teams shut-up shop.

The introduction of Shaun Batt improved Orient, but there were too many below-par performances coupled with injuries that prevented the Os turning one point into three.

View from the opposition... Silver fox Shaun Derry praised his players and set the world record for the use of the word “honest” in his post-match analysis. If honest means turning the game into a scrap on a quagmire of a pitch to prevent the other team playing football, then I agree. He has a very “honest” team.

Tweet of the week... I’m still laughing five whole days after this appeared from Dan. If you know WTF this is please let me know, but I think it has something to do with a connection between Orient and dragons (Oriental). Either way, it is mental, and I want it as a poster!

Leyton Orient 2 Crawley Town 3, 21/12/13

A game in which... Crawley proved they are so much more than Orient's bogey team - more like a huge, festering globule of mucus stuck up the nasal cavity of League One. No offence, hey, because in fact the West Sussex side were worth the three points.

So Orient aren't hitting the heights of their early season form of late - no victories in the last four league games - but then again we'll be top of the league on 25 December. And back in August, even if the news emerged that Santa had developed a debilitating addiction to crystal meth, no one would have expected the bearded fella to deliver a gift like that to Brisbane Road on Christmas Day. 

Moment of magic... Nathan Clarke's goal-line clearance from Nicky Adams' lob in the second half, a physics-defying block that prevented Crawley from going 4-1 up - a scoreline that would have been as hideously embarrassing as losing a pub quiz to a team comprising Jimmy Smith and three jellyfish.

Trevor Kettle

Moment of madness... The moment the young Trevor Kettle thought to himself: "Traffic warden? Nope. Ticket inspector? Nope. Debt collector? Nope. Supreme leader of North Korea? Nope. What I really need is a career where I can wield disproportionate amounts of power and ruin thousands of people's day at the same time. I know: referee!" And while he's not the reason Orient lost, Kettle's bookings of both Batt and Alexander, plus a bizarre drop ball after Lisbie was flattened, upheld his reputation as one of the worst officials in the whole history of the entire universe.  

Top gun... Excellent effort by the aforementioned Nathan Clarke today, and Scott Cuthbert was pretty impressive too, but let's take the time to hail an unsung hero: Gary Sawyer. Yes, the left back took the opportunity of Elliot Omozusi's suspension to remind fans that while he's no Matt Lockwood or Charlie Daniels, he's worth about four Billy Joneses, or 48 billion Danny Granvilles. 

Little donkey... "Worst I played for a long time" wrote Mathieu Baudry on Twitter shortly after the game, and it's true that by his own very high standards he had something of a shocker. He was directly responsible for Crawley's third goal after giving the ball away, missed three presentable headers from corners and his distribution was uncharacteristically sloppy. Still, we can't blame the Frenchman for everything: I'm pretty sure he wasn't involved in the Gallic invasion of Britain in 1797, and he's in no way culpable for the poor quality of the latest Daft Punk album. 

In the dug out... With both Mooney and Omozusi suspended, Russell Slade hardly needed any more bad news. But when Dean Cox was also ruled out for "toothache" - apparently sulking because the tooth fairy had forgotten to leave 50 pence under his pillow - the manager really had his work cut out. Still, we were always going to have a blip at some point and despite that we're still top of the league. And, remember: Slade's teams tend to improve after Christmas, which means promotion is still a realistic ambition.

View from the opposition... "What a result against top of the league. lads worked there socks off" wrote Nicky Adams after the game, scurrying around the conventions of grammar like the tricky winger he is. The one-time Orient loanee is right though: Crawley were better than the home side across the park. Given they have a 100 per cent record against us (beating Orient home and away in 2012/13) it may be easier if we just give them the six points at the start of each season and take the opportunity to rest key players.

Tweet of the week... "Are you sure it's my 30th? Can't be," wrote ex-Orient goalkeeper Glenn Morris to his own wife on Twitter this week, suggesting that for him birthdays are just as confusing as trying to kick a football vaguely in the direction of his team mates. 

Fact of the day... It's actually scientifically impossible for Orient to beat a team containing Gary Alexander. It's known in physics as "The Law of Fat-Ass". In fact the one-time Brisbane Road striker did everything you'd expect of him today: led the line brilliantly, caused a nuisance to the defence, missed a penalty, fluffed a sitter and fell to the ground screaming like an eight-year-old girl watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre every time he went up for a header.  

Capital One Cup: Leyton Orient 3 Coventry City 2, 6/8/13

The time, inexplicably sponsored
by the Guardian.

A game which... featured five goals, one sending off, one missed penalty and a touchline jig from Russell Slade. What more do you want, the added minutes announcement at the end of each half being sponsored by the Guardian newspaper? Yeah, well, inexplicably you got that too.

On the pitch - which this year the club have helpfully covered with grass - Orient at times bristled with attacking verve while on occasion being a bit sloppy in defence and midfield. But, hey, never mind that, for ultimately this was a merited victory against a pretty classy and very spirited Coventry side. Two games, eight goals, top of the league and through to the next round of the League Cup. Blimey, this must be what it feels like to support a decent team.

Moment of magic... Dean Cox's goal, the first scored by an Orient player from a ball breaking loose on the edge of the penalty area since Andy Harris used to regularly dispatch them somewhere vaguely in the direction of Winchester.

Moment of madness... When Coventry City captain Carl Baker responded to his sending off by booting a water bottle in the air next to the home dugout, thus awakening Kevin Dearden from his deep slumber and interrupting the blissful dream he was having about a bungalow constructed entirely from Ginsters Spicy Chicken Slices. "I was so annoyed I wanted to get off my seat and give him a piece of my mind," said the Orient goalkeeping coach later. "I didn't though," he added.

Top Gun... In the first half Romain Vincelot marshalled the midfield like Napoleon during the 1793 Siege of Toulon (one for my readers who are studying GCSE history there - always looking out for you guys). In the second half Jamie Jones was the shining star, for his penalty stop and a couple of typically athletic saves. Let's give man of the match to Super Kevin Lisbie though for his thoroughly un-Orient ability to actually stick the ball in the net whenever he's presented with a chance.

Little donkey... Not the best performance from Gary Sawyer tonight who, for Coventry's first goal, wasn't so much as left for dead by Carl Baker, but sliced up with a chainsaw, packed into a suitcase and dropped in the River Lea.

David Mooney is expected to arrive
any time now...

The management... "This is the first step in a thousand steps," said Russell Slade after Saturday's victory against Carlisle. If tonight is only the second step, then it's going to take a bloody long time to get to our destination. David Mooney's expected to arrive some time in the year 3047.

Tweet of the week... "The hottest guy is in mc Donald's right now and he supports Leyton orient... if we get married dad would be so proud" tweeted Shannon Jeffery today, demonstrating that when it comes to love, you should always aim high. And if that doesn't work, aim much, much lower and hope for the best. "Omg hot Leyton orient guy drives a mini #meanttobe" she wrote later. #believe

Orient in numbers... Eight. The number of goals Orient have scored in their first two games, incredibly just two short of the total goal count for the entire 2002/03 season. "We had Lee Thorpe and Wayne Purser up top," said gaffer Paul Brush in mitigation. "I'm surprised they got as many as 10 to be honest."

Leyton Orient 2 MK Dons 0, 13/4/13

Andy D'Urso

A game in which... Referee Andy D'Urso ran around blowing his whistle like he was at an early 90s rave off his nut on ecstasy - and in the brief interludes in which he allowed some football to break out Orient managed to score two goals. Demented officiating aside, this was a hugely impressive and deserved victory against one of the division's big hitters. 

Moment of magic... A goal from the most unlikely Leyton Orient player. No, not Michael Symes but left back Gary Sawyer. The former Bristol Rovers man has been a quietly efficient performer this season and his first club goal was just reward for another classy display. 

Lee Cook on the bench today

Moment of madness... Russell Slade's decision to bring on Lee Cook into cold and rainy conditions when the winger was perfectly content sitting on the bench Googling cheap holiday options in Marbella on his iPhone. However, contrary to all expectations Cook actually put in a hell of a shift and nearly set up a couple more goals with his pinpoint crosses into the box. 

Knight in shining armour... Superb performances from Jamie Jones and Nathan Clarke in particular today, but the shining star was Romain Vincelot. Though his appearance suggests he's spent the previous night engaged in a particularly strenuous session of lovemaking at a backstreet Parisian brothel, he's rock solid in central defence and today repelled the MK Dons attack flawlessly. 

Pantomime horse... If football matches lasted 15 minutes then Jimmy Smith would be Fifa World Player of the Year, such is the ferocious intensity with which he plays the first quarter of an hour. Today's early-game cameo included a backheel to Moses Odubajo that was so cheeky it's a wonder MK Dons left back Dean Lewington didn't slap him round the face for his impudence. Unfortunately, as is so often the case, Smith played the remaining 75 minutes like a dwarf playing piggy in the middle against the Harlem Globetrotters. 

In the dug out... You've got to hand it to Russell, in a must-win game he threw all caution to the wind. Admittedly to him throwing all caution to the wind is leaving Lloyd James on the bench, but nonetheless the manager deserves huge plaudits for dragging his team one point away from the play-offs with two games to go. He even got a bear hug from Kevin Dearden for his troubles today, an experience something akin to a jellyfish being crushed in an industrial vice. 

View from the opposition... "Poor match, poor effort by the players," writes MK Dons fan Matthew Fensome. "Why this again when we could at least have tried to win?"

You're a girl, you like pink. Right? 

Meanwhile on Twitter... Today the official Leyton Orient Twitter feed showed that the club are doing their bit to drag feminism into the 18th century by tweeting a product from their new women's range - a pink hat. After all, girls couldn't possibly wear the same colour hats as men, could they? Also available are a pink Orient apron, a pink Orient feather duster and a book entitled The Orient Guide To The Offside Rule For Women (pink cover). Girl power! 

Statto corner... Kevin Lisbie's 16 league goals this season come from just 20 starts, a goals-to-games ratio bettered only by Ryan Jarvis during his first loan spell with the club in 2007. "Getting close to Jarvis has always been one of my ambitions," said a humble Lisbie after today's game. "Jarvis Cocker, that is."

Leyton Orient 1 Scunthorpe United 3, 15/12/12

A game in which... Orient were flatter than a flatfish that's just been sat on by Jonathan Tehoue. The first half was entirely uneventful; the second had events - unfortunately those events were mostly Scunthorpe goals.

Still, the mixture of luck, fluke, accident and miracle that allowed Orient to win eight games in a row was always going to come to an end at some point. What's important is that today's result doesn't send us spinning in the opposite direction.

Moment of magic... Difficult to pick out a moment of magic in a game in which Orient's only shot on target was a penalty. Too many players had an off day today - Rowlands, James, Cook, Cox for starters - so let's instead celebrate the South Stand fan dressed up as Santa who was ejected from the ground. Apparently it was for shouting "Sleighed out". (Blame Bill Badger for that joke, not me.)

Moment of madness... The point at which the entire Orient team apparently thought to themselves, "Well, if there's any time to take a quick nap, it's now" just as Scunthorpe took the free-kick that resulted in their second goal. Indeed, so sluggish were the players throughout the match that if you'd flung some salt at them after the final whistle they would have shrivelled up and died.

Knight in shining armour... All hail the League One Player of the Month, Kevin Lisbie. The former Charlton man hadn't exactly been setting the world on fire for the few seasons before he joined Orient but he seems to have found his mojo in E10. And while at times he must feel like Noel Gallagher trying to jam with The Saturdays, long may his form continue.

Pantomime horse... Since it's panto season it was somehow appropriate that every time Gary Sawyer looked around in search of who he was supposed to be marking, the answer was invariably "He's behind you." Yes, the left back was in dire need of a fairy godmother to tell him "You shall go to the ball" - as it was, his performance was uglier than any ugly sister. Oh no it wasn't! Oh yes it was.

In the dug out... Thanks to his appearance at the AGM last week we now have an insight into Russell's mind. "Marc Laird wasn't the player I thought he was" he admitted, for example, suggesting perhaps he accidentally brought the midfielder to Brisbane Road when actually trying to hire a plumber. He also revealed he has a love/hate relationship with Dean Cox - Russell loves Cox; Cox hates Russell.

Meanwhile on Twitter... This week Dean Cox gave us a unique insight into his domestic affairs and the work he's doing to promote women's rights. "Get home and cook some dinner" he demanded of his girlfriend, who replied "Sorry, who do you think your talking to? you can have toast". But toast is hardly going to satisfy a growing lad like Deano (I presume he's still growing, right?). "Won't be living here much longer with that attitude" he tweeted back before issuing a plaintive - and hungry - cry to his sister: "Is mum up?"

Statto corner... The last time an Orient striker notched up nine goals before Christmas - as Kevin Lisbie has done - was when Steve Watts broke into the club secretary's office in 2001 after a night on the town with Jordan and credited eight of Carl Griffiths' strikes to himself.

Leyton Orient 0 Colchester United 2, 23/10/12

A game in which... Orient were so limp that had Colchester United decided to field a team of 11 soggy lettuces then the home side would still have set out to do nothing more than 'stay in the game' and 'hope to nick one'. Yes, this was another soul-destroyingly ineffective performance at Brisbane Road or - to put it more technically - by Christ we are shit.

To put it in perspective, if we ignore the aberration that was the Yeovil result, Orient have scored two goals at home in 540 minutes of league football - or one goal every three games. We lucked out against Brentford, nearly didn't beat an abysmal Hartlepool side... and apart from that the football at Brisbane Road has been about as appetising as a vegetarian picnic served up on the floor of an abattoir. 

Moment of magic... Predictably enough a weaving run from Moses Odubajo, this one in the second half that led to the keeper spilling the young winger's shot and Scott Wagstaff sticking the ball in the net - albeit from an offside position. Moses did his best tonight, but would probably rather spend 40 days and 40 nights stuck on top of Mount Sinai than try to save this team from what's looking like inevitable relegation. 

Moment of madness... It's easy to knock David Mooney - give it a go, it kills a few minutes - but the current woes of Orient are hardly his fault alone and he actually looked fairly lively when he came on. Nonetheless, it was with grinding predictability that the Irishman fluffed his big chance when Lee Cook plopped the ball on his head on the six-yard line with the goal gaping. 

Knight in shining armour... Martin Rowlands, a footballer whose intelligence is so wasted on his team mates it's like watching a Nobel Prize-winning physicist trying to explain the theory of relativity to a classroom full of drunken baboons. And Jimmy Smith. 

Pantomime horse... Gary Sawyer - not so much for his defending but for his set pieces. Indeed, so poor was his delivery that were he a midwife he'd be looking bemusedly at a woman in labour before announcing "Hey, let's use these rusty shears and some WD-40 to get the little fella out!"  

In the dug out... "There are just one or two things not going our way at the moment," said Russell Slade after the game. Which is true, in the sense that there were 'just one or two' things wrong with the safety procedures at Chernobyl. 

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Lovely reception back where it all began," tweeted Orient legend Jabo Ibehre after the game. "thank you very much it was nice to see old friends and familiar faces  :) up the o's!!!" Erm, any chance you could come back Jabo? We promise you won't make you play with Carl Hutchings again. 

Statto corner... Tonight Orient had just 28% of possession, the second-lowest at Brisbane Road ever. The only time the team had less of the ball was in a match against Millwall in 2008 when Martin Ling instructed his team to "pass it to Sean Thornton at every available opportunity", only to realise after 85 minutes that he'd actually sent the Irish midfielder on loan to Shrewsbury as a punishment for outrunning Paul Terry in training, despite having drunk 11 pints of Guinness.