Leyton Orient 3 Stevenage 0, 16/8/16

A game in which... Orient proved that they're not necessarily as shit as every single performance of the last two seasons might suggest. In fact I'd go as far as to say that this was the most enjoyable 90 minutes at Brisbane Road since the play-off semi-final of 2013/14.

Stevenage were rubbish, obviously, but you can only beat what's put in front of you, unless that's Newport and you lose. But Orient were in swashbuckling form, penetrating the opposition defence time and again with the near-forgotten tactic of actually passing the ball along the ground. Throw in some highly promising individual performances – Kelly, Massey and Erichot for starters – and it starts to look like things aren't quite as dire as they seemed on Saturday. Let the good times roll.

Jump off your seat moment... The moment Dean Cox – God knows it's good to have him back – scored with a header from the edge of the box, a feat that until tonight every single expert from the world of science and Professor Brian Cox had deemed physically impossible. From a Stevenage point of view this is beyond embarrassing: like Sir Bradley Wiggins being overtaken by a kid on a tricycle; or Lionel Messi being nutmegged by Bradley Pritchard.

Give that man a medal... Well done to Harry Cornick Jr for repeatedly getting dangerous balls into the box like an inverse Sean Clohessy. This was the type of blistering loanee winger performance that Ryan Hedges could have put in had he not had Fabio Liverani screaming insanely into his brain for 90 relentless minutes every time he played. But if this is the shape of things to come from Cornick, and Simpson stays and shakes off the rust, we may actually score more goals.

Taxi for... What a joy it was to see Jamie Jones kicking the ball with the same reckless regard for consequence with which he manages his Twitter account. How pleasurable it was to see him fumbling crosses almost like he was playing for Orient during the 2013/14 play-off final. And it would be an utter dereliction of duty of me not to end this paragraph with the words: Enjoy your relegation battle, Jamie.

Jamie Jones reaches for a cross

In the dug out... Positioning Dean Cox in a more central role is usually the last roll of the dice of an under-pressure Orient manager and it never works. Tonight, by total accident, this ruse actually paid off for Andy Hessenthaler and the 4-2-3-1 formation presumably dictated to him by the president looked to have promise. The thing is: Orient do have a good team on paper. Of course, that doesn't help you get promoted: after all, Ian Hendon should have been a good manager on paper, until it turned out that paper just bore a picture of a sunburnt holidaymaker furiously berating Ryan Air ground staff for the fact he's left his own passport in the hotel room. Where was I? Yes, Orient have a good team on paper and if Hessenthaler – let's just call him Yessenthaler and be done with it – can negotiate around the lunatics running the club then we may have a chance of achieving something.

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Just got told the biggest load of nonsense in my life" tweeted Paul McCallum, minutes before kick off, almost as if an Ian Hendon tactical team talk from last season had finally registered in his brain. Make of that what you will, but in the meantime let's turn to our former manager himself. Yes, his fiery-fingered wife Linda Hendon has been at it again, with this: "Ian Hendon and I have been informed by Becchetti that we are not welcome at Brisbane Road to support Orient or Hess. #completeclownofachairman." Which suggests that Linda and Ian were trying to score free seats rather than just paying like the rest of us mugs. Unless of course Mr Becchetti scrutinises the sale of every ticket to ensure no one inappropriate turns up. Wouldn't put it past him. Though in which case how did Connor Essam slip through the net so many times? The plot thickens...

The 10 good things about the 2014/15 season

Cheer up you miserable fuckers. Just because we got relegated, have alienated all our players, have an uncertain future and are the laughing stock of the football world, it’s not all bad. In fact, there were plenty of good things about his season. Well, ten anyway, if you really scrape the bottom of a barrel. Here they are… 

1. The arrival of the most handsome man in football. If not the world… 

It's a novel approach for a football club to employ a professional interpreter and then ask him to be goalkeeping coach in his spare time. But never mind that, for it was enough to stare into Rob Gagliardi's dreamy eyes and be beguiled by his long, flowing locks as he calmly translated the demented ramblings of Fabio Liverani into English. Gagliardi is possibly one of the reasons the Orient players were entirely unable to concentrate throughout each game, for if someone that thunderingly handsome is delivering the team talk who can blame them for taking to the pitch with all sorts of conflicting emotions?

2. The second coming of Marvin Bartley 

There’s only one Orient player who can claim to have had a better season than last, and that’s Marvin Bartley, baby. The reason is that for the midfielder to have had a worse season than last, he’d have had to have scored 47 own goals or accidentally sliced off Kevin Lisbie’s legs with a kitchen knife. Still, improvement must be applauded and there were few sights as thrilling this season as Marvin Bartley bludgeoning his way through the midfield towards goal and almost certain dispossession. If he keeps improving at this rate by 2032 we’re going to have a hell of a fifth-choice central midfielder in our squad. 

3. The hallucinogenic madness of the man of the match awards

Dagnall: played out of his skin

In seasons past a couple of representatives from the matchday sponsors would rock up at Brisbane Road, try to be polite about the quality of the food in Theo’s restaurant and then award the man of the match to Dean Cox. Job done. Not this season though, where the man of the match awards have become some sort of avant-garde parody of the club. Against Crewe, for example, Chris Dagnall scored about 11 goals, made 39 assists and played out of his skin to such an extent he was tearing around the pitch in a blur of veins, arteries and mucus. Despite all that, the sponsors gave the man of the match award to Romain Vincelot, who was at the time back home watching his beard. 

4. The Orient podcasts

E10 Mess and a walking, talking bad hair day 

It’s typical isn’t it. You wait forever for an Orient podcast then four turn up at once. But what a pleasure it was to follow our catastrophe of a season in the company of Orient Ramble, E10 Mess, Orient Outlook and Whipps Cross Weekly. Each had its own unique charm – E10 Mess’s hilarious tribute songs; Whipp Cross Weekly’s incisive analysis; Orient Outlook’s revealing interviews; and Orient Ramble’s lengthy diversions into the merits of various savoury snacks – and each deserves a lot of credit for the amount of effort put in by their creators. 

5. The enigma of Gianvito Plasmati

Gianvito Plasmati 

If there’s one player who can hold his head up high this season, it’s Gianvito Plasmati. Only in the literal sense though: he's 6ft 6in. He introduced himself to Brisbane Road by emitting a bloodcurdling scream and poleaxing himself to the ground after hearing a whispered insult from a Preston midfielder. It went downhill from there, though it’s hard to dislike a guy who despite his many limitations played each game with all the bounding enthusiasm of a retarded cocker spaniel. He’ll probably tear up League Two.

6. The comeuppance of Jamie Jones and George Porter

Whatever possessed Jamie Jones to send (and then hastily delete) a tweet goading the fans of the club that gave him his chance in professional football and paid his wages for six seasons? Probably amoeba-like levels of stupidity. Still, the last laugh was on us as the goalkeeper was unceremoniously shipped out on loan from Preston. See you in League Two, Scouse! George Porter, meanwhile, is a bell-end of monumental proportions, but after mocking his former club’s relegation was on the receiving end of this zinger from Craig Delew: “From Burnley to Maidstone, if Carlsberg did failed careers..." 

7. Tell ‘em about the honey, Andrea

Andrea Dossena

Remember Andrea Dossena's volleyed scissor kick from the touchline in his home debut? Well that was the solitary highlight of the ex-Liverpool star's season as he subsequently took it upon himself to try to single-handedly relegate the club with defending of the most kamikaze order. So it was with much mirth that Orient fans greeted the news that Dossena had been arrested over a jar of Harrods honey, entirely forgetting to pay for it almost as if he was supposed to be marking it at a corner. Thereon the jokes wrote themselves: “Hope he hires a good lawyer because he’s no good at defending himself.” And so forth.

8. The performances of Eldin Jakupovic Mk II

What’s the world record for the number of goals conceded by a football club in a single season? Well, whatever it is Orient would have beaten it in 2014/15 were it not for the magnificence of Alex Cisak. With a defence failing calamitously to get to grips with zonal marking, the goalkeeper must have felt like a president being assassinated by knife-wielding assailants while his bodyguards fiercely guarded random patches of ground nearby. That he is even spoken about in the same breath as Eldin Jakupovic is testament to his contribution. 

9. The die-hard fantaticism of Giulia Salemi 

Giulia Salemi has been a die-hard fan of Leyton Orient since birth and has religiously followed the fortunes of the club her whole life by sometimes reading the BBC Sport website. It was for this reason she was chosen as the co-host of the Italian reality show “Leyton Orient". Coincidentally she is also a former Miss Italia and a model of some repute. Coincidentally she also just fired her agent. What to make of all of this? Well, why don’t you ask her yourself? She’s bound to be in the Coach and Horses before our key relegation clash with Barnet next season. 

10. The ever-patient Orient fans

Yes, that’s you lot. In a season in which the club didn’t bother to communicate, collaborate or try to win any matches the vast majority of Orient fans have shown vast wells of resilience and good humour. 1-0 down against Rochdale away, staring down the barrel of League Two and you were still singing your hearts out. Nearly 1,000 of you turned up to watch Orient get relegated at Swindon. And even when you were frustrated, you showed it in a uniquely Orient way, as captured in the tweet of the season from Craig Rodhouse: “Only at Orient. A fan throws his season ticket at the bench on the last home game of the season. We know how to protest.” 

Leyton Orient 2 Coventry City 2, 1/11/14

A game in which... it became apparent that there must be some sort of hoodoo upon Brisbane Road that prevents Orient from ever winning a home game. Perhaps the stadium was erected upon an ancient Indian burial ground and the Gods are displeased? Perhaps a terrible tragedy unfolded on the land in medieval times? Or perhaps the reasons are less the plot of a Stephen King novel and more that we're, well, just a bit shit?

Sigh. In truth there were further signs of improvement. In the first half Orient dominated possession, though only had one shot off target to show for it. In the second the team showed admirable spirit and bluster to come back from behind to lead 2-1, only to blow it at the death. Still, I think better things are to come from this squad, although (KLAXON! I'm about to run with the Stephen King analogies here) expect more Misery before they're really Shining.

Nathan Clarke 

Jump off your seat moment... Two actually. The first a jaw-dropping slide tackle from Mathieu Baudry in the first half that swept the ball away from Coventry's Gary Madine just as he was about to puncture the Orient net. The second a Benny Hill-esque combination of misjudgment and slip from Nathan Clarke that led to the visitors' first goal. I use these two contrasting incidents to illustrate a point: we still have very classy defenders in our squad, and if they can somehow eradicate the momentary lapses then we may have a foundation for climbing the table.

Give that man a medal... And talking of the defence, what a man Scott Cuthbert is. Whether crunching into tackles on the touchline, rising majestically like Ben Nevis to head Orient into the lead or growing a thick beard 20 minutes before the start of today's game simply through the power he has over his own testosterone, the Scotsman will be fundamental to the success or otherwise of the rest of this season.

Taxi for... Were it not for the fact that Jobi McAnuff bucked his ideas up for a 15-minute spell in the second half by God he would be feeling the full force of one of my metaphors likening him to a widely-mocked X-Factor contestant. As it is, the fact that he does momentarily display flashes of the class that you'd expect of a one-time Premier League captain makes it even more bewildering that the winger is offering so little in an Orient shirt.

"Fuck the technical shit"... Mauro Milanese showed that he truly appreciated the long tradition of Orient managers by sending out his players in 4-4-2 formation and hoping for the best. To be fair to him he's got the team trying to play more football along the floor – albeit at the moment mostly in a quadrangle between the defence and the goalkeeper – and he appears to have instilled a bit more passion into them. What a shame, then, that if his side lose to Oldham next week then he's likely to be replaced by, oh I don't know, Ada Martin the kit man in Francisco Becchetti's ever-patient search for stability and success.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Hey, what's this: a message from ex-Orient keeper Jamie Jones to fans of the club that paid his wages for six years and gave him the opportunity to make a career in professional football. A heartfelt vote of thanks? A stirring statement of support? Erm, no, this actually: "Another home win for you today? O wait... No it wasn't. Enjoy your relegation battle." I leave it to fan Edina to summarise the general reaction to this far more eloquently than I could: "What a muggy little c**t."

Leyton Orient 0 Preston North End 2, 28/10/14

A game in which... the result could have been so different. Imagine if ex-Orient keeper Jamie Jones hadn't pulled off a double-worldy in the first half; if Jay Simpson had buried his one-on-one minutes earlier; if half our squad wasn't injured; if we hadn't conceded two soft goals; if we hadn't sold Moses Odubajo; if our Italian owners hadn't forced Russell Slade out of the club; if money grew on trees; and if troubles really could melt like lemon drops... perhaps then we could've scraped a draw.

As it was Orient actually put in a pretty spirited performance – you couldn't really fault their effort – without coming away with anything to show for it. Yeah Preston are pretty good, but God knows we finished above them last season, which demonstrates just how far this club has fallen in the space of a few months. Depressing, really.

Gianvito Plasmati after being lightly brushed on the arm 

Jump off your seat moment... The moment that the ball fell invitingly to new boy Gianvito Plasmati on the edge of Preston's six-yard box with the goal gaping. Were it not for the fact he smashed the ball straight at Jamie Jones the 6ft 6in Italian may have instantly won the hearts of the Orient faithful. Still, throughout his time on the pitch he showed a few good touches, a couple of bad ones and one theatrical swan dive to the ground reminiscent of Willem Dafoe's iconic death scene in the film Platoon. Still, let's give the lad a chance before we totally write him off, hey?

Give that man a medal... Dean Cox worked his little cotton socks off tonight – and that's no metaphor, he really does wear little cotton socks – but most pleasing was the performance of Jay Simpson. The former Thailand backpacker is getting better and better each game, and he looked lively and threatening throughout.

Taxi for... McAnuff said.

"Fuck the technical shit"... It was strange sight to see Mauro Milanese patrolling the touchline tonight – not because he was first non-British manager to take charge of Leyton Orient, but because his hair appears to contradict seven rules of evolutionary biology, nine rules of quantum physics and every rule of fashion that has existed since the dawn of time. On the pitch nothing much seemed to have changed save for the fact Mauro had lumped an unfit Italian up front and boldly elected to give 11-year-old Scott Kashket a run out ahead of a presumably #fuming Chris Dagnall. Still, let's give the manager a chance before we totally write him off, hey?

Meanwhile on Twitter... Nice work from the Orient Ramble podcast boys, who helpfully illustrated the current status of Orient's usual starting XI from last season. And if that depresses you even more, cheer yourself up with this video of manager Mauro Milanese indulging in what passes for "entertainment" in Italy, as discovered by Jay Lillington.

Goodbye and thank you Jamie Jones: Leyton Orient will miss you. Sort of...

Shwan Jalal, Marek Stech, Paul Rachubka, Stuart Nelson…

Run through a list of some of the less illustrious names who’ve appeared between the sticks for Orient in our recent past and it’s easy to consider ourselves very lucky to have had a goalkeeper of the calibre of Jamie Jones for six seasons.

Bought as a 19-year-old in summer 2008 by Martin Ling in a momentary interlude in the manager’s obsessive but unfruitful search for a big striker, Jones established himself as number one in his second season, under new gaffer Geraint Williams.

In the 2010/11 season he was immense - pulling off countless gravity-defying saves to help Orient rise up the league and almost make the play-offs.

Shot-stopping - that was his stock-in-trade. He narrowed angles; he leapt; he clawed; he almost never spilled those low, skidding shots that regularly terrorise lower league goalkeepers.

Jones wasn’t flawless, of course - no goalkeepers are, and in League One fans have to accept some sort of fallibility in their number ones. The Scouser’s weak spot was coming off his line and commanding his area, though to be fair in his defining 2010/11 season that wasn’t particularly pronounced.

At the conclusion of that campaign Jones wasted no time in changing his Twitter bio to read: “League One goalkeeper - for now” - not exactly a chest-beating declaration of loyalty to the club that paid his wages but, hey, he was young, he was ambitious, he was a bit of a twat.

And besides, there were no knocks on the door from the Championship or the Premier League so Jones was a League One goalkeeper for a little bit longer.

And then he got crocked: a shoulder injury sustained in the summer of 2011 that wiped out all but the last five games of the coming season. Repeated recurrences and other injuries meant that Jones also missed large chunks of 2012/13 and 2013/14.

When he did play, the shot-stopping was still there, but the minor crack in his ability to command his area became a deep ravine. He reverted to the safety-first technique of punching, mostly unsuccessfully, wafting his right fist at high balls like an 11-year-old girl trying to land one on her irritating older brother.

Still, it was easy for fans to forgive the moments of aerial vulnerability when Jones would regularly keep Orient in games with his acrobatic saves. Such was his prowess when we played Swindon away this season that a deranged fan figured the only way to beat him was to come on the pitch and punch him.

Bosnia's number one: Eldin Jakupovic

But then our heads were turned in January 2014 when Bosnian Eldin Jakupovic glided into Brisbane Road like the dark, brooding love interest in a gothic romance novel.

Whether he was tearing off his line, rising majestically above the melee to claim the ball, or celebrating madly in front of opposition supporters after conceding a goal that was subsequently disallowed, Eldin was the goalkeeper that made Orient fans go gooey-eyed.

Unfortunately for Jones, after that fans could never look at him in the same way again; we averted our eyes, embarrassed yet still secretly exhilarated by our wild, whirlwind affair with Bosnia’s number one.

On his return to the team, Jones never gave less than 100 per cent, but it’s a sad truth that of the four goals Orient conceded in the play-offs, the goalkeeper was definitely at fault for two (Peterborough away and Rotherham’s first); probably at fault for another (Peterborough at home); and will be annoyed for being beaten from 35 yards by Alex Revell at Wembley. 

So while Jones is ambitious to play in the Championship - and touted himself to Preston to help him achieve that - it’s an unfortunate irony that were it not for his mistakes, Orient might already be there.

Still, there’s no need for Os fans to bear him any malice – like I said, Jones never gave less than 100 per cent and, arguably, is the best (permanent) keeper we’ve had at Brisbane Road in the last 30 years or so.

That said, when Orient play Preston next season, I hope that Russell Slade instructs his players to repeatedly pump high balls towards the opposition’s six-yard box. Where's Sam Parkin when you need him?

Play-off preview: Leyton Orient v Peterborough United head to head

Leyton Orient have the looks, Peterborough have the money. But who is better placed to advance to Wembley through the play-off semi-finals? 

I thought I'd find out by scientifically* matching up the teams' relative attributes. However, since it was only a week ago that I discovered Peterborough were actually in the same division as us – I thought they were in League Two – I know literally nothing about them. Luckily James Masters is a proper journalist for The Times and stuff, so he's written all the bits about the Posh players... 

(*unscientifically) 

The Cats

Jamie Jones versus Bobby Olejnik

Jamie Jones

Former Everton trainee Jamie Jones guards the Orient net like a Scouser fiercely protecting his six-pack of Tesco own-brand lager from fellow guests at a Toxteth house party. Take a shot at Jamie and he’ll almost certainly save it; drop a ball from a great height and he’ll almost certainly waft a punch at it like a nine-year-old girl half-heartedly trying to burst a pinata. But never mind that: Jones is Orient’s best goalkeeper in years – maybe ever – and his prowess could prove critical.   

Score: 8/10

Bobby Olejnik

Bobby – or 'B.O' as the kids in the changing rooms at school are alleged to have called him – was born in Vienna where he became a national dancing champion with his famous waltz. Little Bobby’s quick dancing feet and 'can, can' attitude has made him a favourite at Posh where he was named player of the year and celebrated by busting moves to Haydn, Mozart and Schubert.  

Score: 9/10

The Rocks

Nathan Clarke versus Jack Baldwin

Nathan Clarke

A towering physique, threatening tattoos and a look of cold, hard terror in his eyes... which makes it all the more strange that when Nathan Clarke opens his mouth he sounds like an ageing bit-part actress from Coronation Street. Luckily the only words he needs to say on the pitch are: "Shit lads we’re losing, I’m going to luzz it into the mixer so get your fookin’ nonces on it."  Not much gets past Orient’s Captain Fantastic, so the Posh will have their work cut out.

Score: 9/10

Jack Baldwin

JB is the defensive rock – the young wolf who keeps the back door slammed shut. He cost £500,000 from Hartlepool earlier this season, a figure so large nobody in Leyton has ever managed to count to it. Balders, who ironically is well endowed in the follicle department, was actually born in Redbridge but was never welcomed at Orient – a club where there’s only room for one bald winner.

Score 8/10

The Engines

Romain Vincelot versus Michael Bostwick 

Romain Vincelot

Watching Romain Vincelot go about his job you’re minded not just of a footballer, but of an over-zealous French serial killer frantically trying to cover his tracks by eradicating all the witnesses to his many crimes. Yes, the immaculately-bearded midfielder is everywhere, tearing into opponents, breaking up their play and amassing enough yellow cards to build them into a full-sized replica of the Pyramids of Giza. This guy is immense.

Score: 8/10

Michael Bostwick

Posh’s enforcer, known as 'The Boss' because of his unyielding desire for victory and not his range of Hugo Boss underwear, is well known to O’s supporters. It’s unclear whether Bostwick has taken out an injunction over what I’m about to tell you…but he used to play for Stevenage. I say play, he used to run up and down while the ball went over his head. Posh paid £800,000 for him – imagine how many Bovril lids Orient could buy with that.

Score: 8/10

The Prima Donnas

Dean Cox versus Nathaniel Mendez-Laing 

Dean Cox

Orient's diminutive winger has a special talent – and I don't just mean his ability to enter and leave buildings via the cat flap. So far this season Tiny has 15 goals and 13 assists - the most in League One - proving he's absolutely critical to the success of the Os. Recently Russell Slade has been playing Cox in a position called "just fucking run about and try to do something" rather than on the wing, but wherever he's stationed, he's sure to be a threat. 

Score: 9/10

Nathaniel Mendez-Laing

Pies, doughnuts and a lifetime supply of Ben and Jerry’s – those are just three of the guilty pleasures which may or may not have contributed to NML turning up to pre-season a bit heavier than he was supposed to. His talent has never been in doubt but neither has his ability to seek trouble – as he did in November 2012 when he was cautioned by police after a wild night out and promptly transfer-listed. It is unclear if he escaped by eating his way out of the cell.

Score: 7/10

The Marksmen

David Mooney versus Britt Assomalonga 

David Mooney

Over David Mooney's time at Orient he has metamorphosied from a slow-moving caterpillar – all criss-crossed legs and malfunctioning antennae – to a beautiful butterfly, soaring to the top of the League One scoring charts in the early part of this season. Since chipping the keeper at Swindon back in November, Moon's will now only ever attempt to score through the medium of a lob. Despite this he remains a major threat. 

Score: 8/10

Britt Assombalonga

There are not many men fortunate enough to share a name with Jewish ritual circumcision but Britt is not any ordinary man. This guy, rather aptly, has so much cutting edge that he can scythe through the spurious bullshit espoused by UKIP on a daily basis. He cost a cool £1.5 million from Watford but his 17-point scrabble surname means he’s always a favourite at the local old-aged home.

Score: 9/10

The Gaffers

Russell Slade versus Darren Ferguson 

Russell Slade 

Legend has it that Russell Slade broke into football management only after erroneously turning up at Notts County's Meadow Lane when intending to interview for an assistant head of PE position at the nearby Nottingham Girls' High School. And when I say "legend", I mean I have made this up. But a lack of playing pedigree hasn’t stopped the balding Berkshire man from crafting a team of free transfers into Championship prospects – a feat that puts him right up there with the best football managers of the moment. 

Score: 9/10

Darren Ferguson

When Darren Ferguson retires he’d like to move to Turkey and become an expert in kebabs – that’s the word on the street in Leyton. What other explanation could there be for his constant presence in local haunt, Anatolia, on Leyton High Road, which even has its own shrine to Fergie in the gents toilets with a personalised hairdryer. It has also been revealed that every time Fergie washes his hands, he looks in the mirror, waves and says, 'Halloumi'.

Score: 8/10

And the final score? 

Leyton Orient: 51/60 

Peterborough United: 49/60

And THAT'S science so you can't even argue with it. Bring on Wembley! 

FA Cup: Leyton Orient 1 Walsall 0, 7/12/13

A game in which... David Mooney undid what was a perfectly respectable afternoon of FA Cup football by getting himself sent off in the 93rd minute - the most pointless and stupid thing he's done since he passed the ball to Michael Symes during a game early last season.

That aside, the virus-stricken Orient side should be pretty pleased with themselves for prevailing over Walsall. Lemsips all round.

Moment of magic... Shaun Batt's incredible dummy in the lead-up to Dean Cox's goal, in which he managed to convince the Walsall defence, his own team mates, the entire crowd and a worldwide TV audience of 38 that he'd just done a hugely embarrassing air kick at a simple chance.

Moment of madness... Oh Moons. Why? WHY? Now banned for three games for a petulant kick at Paul Downing, the Irish striker hasn't so much as shot himself in the foot, but blown off his whole leg with a thermo-nuclear warhead. Genuinely, his rush of blood to the head could be season-defining. Let's hope he at least puts his time off to good use by learning the offside rule, hey?

Top gun... With half the team sidelined by man flu, we got see a bit more of Yohann Lasimant, Johnny Gorman and Harry Lee, all of whom made decent accounts of themselves. On the bench we had Martin Ling's son Sam, who's 13, and a bloke that works behind the bar in the Coach & Horses who once had a trial at Hastings United in 1993. Best player on the pitch, though, was Mathieu Baudry, who in his spare time inexplicably sellotapes an iPhone to his head and re-enacts scenes from the 1979 video nasty Driller Killer, as this photograph demonstrates.

Little donkey... Actually no one played particularly badly and, indeed, the victory was based on a very disciplined performance in defence and midfield. Let's instead focus, then, on the final seven seconds of the match in which Walsall managed to miss 47 clear chances to score, prompting one Saddlers fan to tweet "Please can you have one of your strikers? Any one. We aren't fussy." Yeah, have David Mooney, he's free for the next three games.

In the dug out... Given that Russell Slade's matchday duties mostly involve standing up for 90 minutes and shouting "watch the ball!" at Moses Odubajo a couple of times, he must have been pretty ill to have missed the game - especially as he only lives 45 seconds away. Perhaps he just looked at his own team sheet and thought, fuck this. Bizarrely he could be spotted on the balcony of his flat celebrating Cox's goal - surely a first in football?

View from the opposition... Walsall can probably consider themselves a bit unlucky - not least for Craig Westcarr's free kick which left Jamie Jones frozen to the spot for a full 45 seconds while the ball pinballed between him and the posts. But they didn't seem to have quite the spark they had when they drew with us in September. "We'd still be trying to score if we were playing at midnight," tweeted fan Rob Rowley.

Tweets of the week... Respect to loanee Robbie Simpson who, when he's not missing a last-minute sitter against Preston, appears to be something of a rap star, as shown in this video tweeted from the team's curry night earlier this week.

Even more impressive was fan David Plane's ode to Dean Cox, as tweeted by Paul Graves. But it was Rob Noble, Orient's marketing and partnerships manager, who caught the moment of the night on camera, however, and tweeted this: "Kev Dearden eating the mic. Obviously the curry wasn't enough."

Swindon Town 1 Leyton Orient 3, 23/11/13

Swindon before kick off

A game in which... Russell Slade witnessed "the worst thing he's seen in football" - which is saying something given that he once endured Michael Symes's performance against Barnet in October 2012. And while one Swindon fan's attack on Jamie Jones grabbed the headlines, the real story is the fact that Orient made a team who had won six of their previous eight home games look like a Sunday pub side in which all 11 players had just returned from a stag do in Amsterdam. 

No disrespect to Swindon, but it's a measure of just how formidable Orient are at the moment that they bounced back from defeat against Preston with a performance like this against one of the league's high-flyers. 

Moment of magic... David Mooney's opening goal, a lob so sumptuous that they'll be serving it on the menu of Swindon's finest restaurants (two Harvesters and a Wimpy) for years to come. 

Moment of madness... Only one candidate here: the moment a Swindon fan came swinging at Jamie Jones. To be honest, he picked the wrong player: as someone who has presumably been in the taxi queue at 2am in Liverpool city centre, Jones is more than accustomed to being attacked by a pissed up thug for no apparent reason. 

Top gun... At times the interplay between Dean Cox, Kevin Lisbie and David Mooney was mesmerising, and between them they nearly scored about another 15 goals. Vincelot and Omozusi were also immense, and Jamie Jones - when he wasn't dodging punches - was flawless. But let's give man of the match to Moses Odubajo for his two goals and for being a constant menace to the Swindon defence. 

Little donkey... No bad performances from anyone in an Orient shirt, so instead have this photo of Swindon's pitch invader, courtesy of @OrientSteve

In the dug out... Seeing Jamie Jones under attack sprung goalkeeping coach Kevin Dearden into action from the bench. He explained: "I sprinted towards Scouse to try to help him - but by the time the incident was over I'd only made it as far as the seat next to me. Next week I'm planning to stay awake for the entire game, just to be safe." 

View from the opposition... "Thoroughly depressing day at the County Ground yesterday," wrote fan Steve Warren. "Idiot fan, cheating rewarded by shit ref and a joke of a defence again." If you say so. 

Tweet of the week... This from fan Lee Kinsley. "Swindon announce their new mascot."

Leyton Orient 0 Preston North End 1,16/11/13

A game in which... Preston took to the pitch pumped and primed for a vicious battle. Orient, on the other
hand, look pumped and primed for a pleasant Sunday afternoon stroll around a bird sanctuary. Yes, for the first 70 minutes of the game the Lilywhites fought harder, pressed harder and scored a beauty of a goal.

The Os did work up a bit of a head of steam towards the end of the match - once Shaun Batt was on the pitch, basically - but to no avail. But, hey, let's not get too upset. It's a massive testament to the way Orient are playing this season that very decent sides such as Preston need to be at the top of their game to take points from us. We're in the automatic promotion positions. Don't panic - enjoy.

Moment of magic... Scott Cuthbert's death-defying, flying tackle on Joe Garner in the second half. The Preston striker was clean through until the Orient defender (who had a great game) hurtled towards him like a pissed up Glaswegian trying to jump the queue at the chippy to ensure he gets the last deep fried Mars bar.

Moment of madness... The second-half moment when David Mooney fortuitously found the ball at his feet six yards in front of goal with no Preston defender anywhere near him. One can only guess what went through the striker's head. My guess is: "Feck! I've got the ball. Although I've just remembered I haven't picked up my dry cleaning yet. Perhaps I could do it tomorrow before I go to the golf course... Oh, I've been tackled. Feck."

Top gun... It's no coincidence that the only time Orient really built up any pressure was once Shaun Batt came on. The big man is a clanking, clattering whirl of trouble to opposition defences and things always happen when he's on the pitch. Time to start him at right midfield, with Moses behind him and Omozusi at left back?

Little donkey... It's obviously totally unfair to judge a new signing on the basis of one single kick of a football, but since in Robbie Simpson's case that kick was straight at the keeper when put clean through on goal in the fourth minute of injury time, I'm going to do exactly that. It was a chance that Homer Simpson could probably have scored, let alone Bart, Marge, Lisa and Maggie. O.J. would probably have murdered the chance too.

In the dug out... If you'll recall, Russell Slade said this after Tuesday's game against Stevenage: "We are only going to be successful if we taste failure." Well, ok, I think we've done enough tasting now though. In fact, in the context of this season the last two results have been a massive Kevin Dearden-sized binge on failure. But fear not: Orient have already proved this season that they can bounce back from adversity. They'll just need to do it again against Swindon.

View from the opposition... Respect to the Preston fans, who were in fine voice throughout. Not all of them were happy though: "£9.60 for two pints, the price to pay to #pnefc winning in the capital," wrote supporter Jon Allison.

Tweet of the week... Respect to Jamie Jones for tweeting the following during last night's Children In Need:
"Just donated £100 but I'll give £1 for every retweet this gets between now and 10 o'clock." Perhaps Jamie underestimated the power of Twitter, however, because over 8,000 retweets later it was looking like his League One goalkeeper's pay packet was going to take a bit of hammering. He hastily tweeted: "Limit reached at £1000 thanks for the awareness raised for the cause and keep donating." And fair play to him too. Though team mate Scott Cuthbert couldn't resist a crack, tweeting: "I will give @jamie1jones £1 for every retweet this gets, poor guys skint" and seconds later following up with: "Sorry my £1 limit has been reached, thanks for the retweets."

Johnstone's Paint Trophy: Leyton Orient 0 Coventry City 0, 8/10/13

A game which... was the perfect advert for cup sponsor Johnstone's, in that the spectacle was exactly like watching some of their paint dry. Yes, it was lucky the tickets were only £10 each because, in terms of value for money, that meant they were only £10 overpriced.

So Orient aren't hitting the heights of earlier this season and for most of the match struggled to play the final pass or construct purposeful attacks. On the plus side the defence were superb and all four penalties perfectly executed. And still no one other than a Premier League side has managed to beat us this season. Don't panic!

Moment of magic... Jamie Jones's brilliant penalty save - the first he had to make all match - and clearly inspired by the pre-shoot out pep talk from goalkeeping coach Kevin Dearden. "Right, Scouse. Chicken Cottage on Leyton High Road are doing two-for-one buckets of spicy chicken wings until 10pm so for Christ's sake save a couple so we can get the fuck out of here."

David Mooney's touch is somewhere here

Moment of madness... The moment towards the end of the match when substitute David Mooney was put clean through by Lloyd James. It would have been a certain goal, save for the fact that the Irish striker's touch didn't merely desert him, it booked a one-way flight to Australia and left without so much as a goodbye.

Top gun... Another towering performance by Nathan Clarke tonight, who's proving to be so solid at the back this season it's like having a six-foot brick wall in front of the Orient goal. Which, interestingly, Martin Ling once tried when he needed a bit more mobility than Joe Dolan could offer.

Little donkey... Yohann Lasimant - given his first start of the season tonight - certainly looks cultured. But then again so does a pot of strawberry yogurt and you wouldn't ask that to try to execute a successful pass to a team mate. And while the Frenchman can certainly dribble round in circles, some end product is going to be useful if he's to contribute more this season.

The management... "We're lucky to have Samsung as a sponsor, they have given us a tablet which we used to show Jamie some clips," said Kevin Nugent after the game in a shameless attempt to blag a free Galaxy S4 smartphone to replace the battered Nokia 5110 he's had since 1998. "The lads may laugh," he added, "but none of them have scored over 4 billion on Snake."

View from the opposition... "Hope Steven Pressley sticks this up on the tactics board tomorrow," wrote Sky Blues fan Curtis Armstrong yesterday of the photo below, adding "John Fleck take note." And Fleck did indeed take note of not shooting straight at the keeper when taking his penalty. He put it wide instead.

Tweet of the week... "Why wasn't I born in Spain (Barcelona)" tweeted one-time Orient cry baby Dean Morgan plaintively this week. Pray tell why, Deano: Is it because of Gaudi's impressive modernist architecture throughout the city? Is it because of the proud history of Catalonian nationalism? Is it because of the molecular gastronomy cuisine created by the pioneering Adria brothers? Nope, apparently it's this: "I would love to play in the Nou Camp." Yep, Deano, if you'd been born in Barcelona you'd definitely have a chance of appearing at the Nou Camp. I've heard they're pretty short of stewards at the moment.

Orient by numbers... Two. The number of teeth one unfortunate press photographer has left after being clattered by Moses Odubajo in the first half. "I was lucky," he spluttered after the game. "A colleague of mine got steamrollered by Michael Symes last season. We're still trying to dig him out."

Leyton Orient 3 Port Vale 2, 14/9/13

A game which... was so thunderingly entertaining it seemed less a football match, more a $100m Michael Bay movie - albeit one that was so gripping it didn't need Megan Fox running around in hotpants to liven it up. Make no mistake, Port Vale were formidable opponents - especially in the second half - but this isn't an Orient team that fears a challenge. Indeed, the spirit in the camp at the moment is so strong that if you distilled it even Sean Thornton might consider watering it down a bit with a mixer. 

Moment of magic... The look on Tom Pope's face when 'Super' Kevin Lisbie struck his late, late winner. The Port Vale striker's main contribution to the game to that point had been the sort of incessant moaning you'd expect of a silent movie-lover forced to sit through Transformers: Dark Of The Moon - well, that and somewhat ill-advisedly squaring up to Elliot Omozusi - so it was all the more satisfying to see his reaction to Orient racking up their sixth win in six.  

Moment of madness... The moment in the first half when the linesman raised his flag just as David Mooney volleyed into the net, only to change his mind and lower it again. Presumably he'd felt the hand of history on his shoulder and figured Moons wasn't likely to catch one as sweetly as that again in his whole lifetime so he might as well let the goal stand.

David Mooney

Top gun... The Official Romain Vincelot Man Of The Match Award was given to Romain Vincelot today. Which is probably a bit unfair on two-goal hero David Mooney, who at present is apparently inhabiting a Pro-Evo version of himself in which an inexperienced games developer has accidentally coded him with the attributes of Lionel Messi. I'd have given it to Elliot Omozusi though, whose performance at left back epitomised the gutsy, never-say-die performance of the whole team. 

Little donkey... In the context of this victory it seems a bit mean to point it out, but in the build up to Port Vale's first goal, Jamie Jones punched so weakly it looked like Natalie Imbruglia half-heartedly trying to land one on a testosterone-pumped nightclub bouncer for not allowing her in the VIP area. 

Russell Slade

In the dug out... Huge scenes of celebration when Orient's winning goal went in. Even Kevin Dearden ran a few paces up the touchline, though official word is that four foot-deep crater he left in his wake will be filled in by the time Notts County arrive on Tuesday. As to Russell Slade, words cannot do justice. So instead here's a picture of a happy egg.

View from the opposition... "Fantastic performance today by the lads - didn't deserve to lose," wrote Vale fan Dave Banks, adding hilariously: "Orient not a great team." But never mind that, let's take a moment to hail the performance of ex-O Antony Griffith, who played the game in the right spirit and was almost a match for Vincelot. 'Almost' in the same sense that Dean Cox is 'almost' as tall as the Empire State Building. 

Tweet of the week... This from Elliot Omozusi, entirely written in a language known only to him and a long-extinct alien race: "not being biased but @MargsT fire in the booth 100the best, man said ni#*as grab the ting n start shooting 4rm Durant range. Kevin Durant." Anyone? 

Orient by numbers... Seven. The number of shots on target Orient had in a searing spell of attacking play during the first five minutes of the second half - exactly six more than turn-of-the-millennium midfielder Andy Harris managed in his entire spell at the club. "I never had much luck shooting," Harris chuckled a few years later. "But to be fair I did always remind Tommy Taylor that I was actually a goalkeeper." 

Capital One Cup: Leyton Orient 3 Coventry City 2, 6/8/13

The time, inexplicably sponsored
by the Guardian.

A game which... featured five goals, one sending off, one missed penalty and a touchline jig from Russell Slade. What more do you want, the added minutes announcement at the end of each half being sponsored by the Guardian newspaper? Yeah, well, inexplicably you got that too.

On the pitch - which this year the club have helpfully covered with grass - Orient at times bristled with attacking verve while on occasion being a bit sloppy in defence and midfield. But, hey, never mind that, for ultimately this was a merited victory against a pretty classy and very spirited Coventry side. Two games, eight goals, top of the league and through to the next round of the League Cup. Blimey, this must be what it feels like to support a decent team.

Moment of magic... Dean Cox's goal, the first scored by an Orient player from a ball breaking loose on the edge of the penalty area since Andy Harris used to regularly dispatch them somewhere vaguely in the direction of Winchester.

Moment of madness... When Coventry City captain Carl Baker responded to his sending off by booting a water bottle in the air next to the home dugout, thus awakening Kevin Dearden from his deep slumber and interrupting the blissful dream he was having about a bungalow constructed entirely from Ginsters Spicy Chicken Slices. "I was so annoyed I wanted to get off my seat and give him a piece of my mind," said the Orient goalkeeping coach later. "I didn't though," he added.

Top Gun... In the first half Romain Vincelot marshalled the midfield like Napoleon during the 1793 Siege of Toulon (one for my readers who are studying GCSE history there - always looking out for you guys). In the second half Jamie Jones was the shining star, for his penalty stop and a couple of typically athletic saves. Let's give man of the match to Super Kevin Lisbie though for his thoroughly un-Orient ability to actually stick the ball in the net whenever he's presented with a chance.

Little donkey... Not the best performance from Gary Sawyer tonight who, for Coventry's first goal, wasn't so much as left for dead by Carl Baker, but sliced up with a chainsaw, packed into a suitcase and dropped in the River Lea.

David Mooney is expected to arrive
any time now...

The management... "This is the first step in a thousand steps," said Russell Slade after Saturday's victory against Carlisle. If tonight is only the second step, then it's going to take a bloody long time to get to our destination. David Mooney's expected to arrive some time in the year 3047.

Tweet of the week... "The hottest guy is in mc Donald's right now and he supports Leyton orient... if we get married dad would be so proud" tweeted Shannon Jeffery today, demonstrating that when it comes to love, you should always aim high. And if that doesn't work, aim much, much lower and hope for the best. "Omg hot Leyton orient guy drives a mini #meanttobe" she wrote later. #believe

Orient in numbers... Eight. The number of goals Orient have scored in their first two games, incredibly just two short of the total goal count for the entire 2002/03 season. "We had Lee Thorpe and Wayne Purser up top," said gaffer Paul Brush in mitigation. "I'm surprised they got as many as 10 to be honest."

Leyton Orient 3 Bournemouth 1, 2/3/13

A game in which... Bournemouth strutted onto the pitch with all the confidence of the newly-minted wife of a Russian oligarch sneering disdainfully at some peasant girls while mentally acknowledging she'd still be one of them were it not for her large bosom and 'relaxed' approach to her husband's rampant infidelity. Indeed, in the first five minutes of the match Orient seemed so overawed by the gaudy visitors that it appeared they might well lose 47-0.

They regained their composure soon enough though and went on to dominate most of the next 85 minutes and record a particularly impressive victory over one of the league's supposed high-flyers. Pleasing too was the way the team passed the ball around, almost making one wonder if they might have considered doing that against Southend...

Moment of magic... The sound of corks popping from bottles of discounted Lidl sparkling white wine in Theo's restaurant could only mean one thing today: the return of Kevin Lisbie. Yes, the sight of the only Orient striker in living memory who can actually shoot was a welcome one, and it was fitting that the number nine announced his comeback with a smartly-taken goal.

David Mooney

Moment of madness... Bournemouth left-back Matt Ritchie's decision not to chase back Mathieu Baudry's  hopeful punt forward, no doubt assuming that the lurking David Mooney had all the turn of speed of the Dublin-Holyhead car ferry. Oh, but how wrong he was, because three hours later Moons had just about managed to chase down the ball and cut it back for Charlie MacDonald to slot into the net.

Knight in shining armour... Plenty of Os players shone today: Baudry (bien sur!), MacDonald, James (yes, Lloyd James, what of it?) and Odubajo for starters. Jamie Jones too made one save in the second half that was so spectacular that it would have left goalkeeping coach Kevin Dearden open-mouthed in wonder were he not at that moment trying to swallow two Cornish pasties and a Twix. But let's give man of the match to Nathan Clarke for a flawless display of defensive solidity and one awesome last-ditch tackle on Lewis Grabban in the second half.

Pantomime horse... Whoever's responsibility it was to fill with helium the 32 balloons that were supposed to be released into the air at half-time on behalf of the NHS Be Clear On Cancer campaign. Instead of rising to the heavens, each balloon dropped apologetically to the ground, thus providing a fitting metaphor for the entire history of Leyton Orient Football Club. (More info on the campaign here by the way.)

In the dug out... Full credit to Russell, this season he's proved he can go toe-to-toe with the top managers in the division, and his team's record against promotion challengers is an impressive one. If he could only crack how not to lose to the division's bottom-feeders then who knows what could happen next year after we lose our customary first 10 matches?

View from the opposition... "No leadership on the pitch," says Bournemouth fan Simon Wybrow. "Lost all balance in defence with Daniels out. Surely it's time to give Allsop a go?"

Dean Cox on Come Dine With Me

Meanwhile on Twitter... Kudos to eagle-eyed fan Andrew Ford who this week spotted that our very own Dean Cox was making a cheeky appearance on Channel 4 cookery show Come Dine With Me.

Statto corner... It's a little-known fact that one of the innovations that Barry Hearn brought to the club when he took over in 1995 (along with on-pitch weddings) was a contractual obligation for players to always concede a goal when 2-0 up. "We want to raise the excitement levels at Brisbane Road," he said at the time, "and what better way than to ensure that as many games as possible have a nail-biting finish." Orient have not won 2-0 at home since that day.

(Prostate Cancer UK were also collecting at today's game as the official charity of the Football League. Find out more here.)