14 May 2015

The 10 good things about the 2014/15 season

Cheer up you miserable fuckers. Just because we got relegated, have alienated all our players, have an uncertain future and are the laughing stock of the football world, it’s not all bad. In fact, there were plenty of good things about his season. Well, ten anyway, if you really scrape the bottom of a barrel. Here they are… 

1. The arrival of the most handsome man in football. If not the world… 
It's a novel approach for a football club to employ a professional interpreter and then ask him to be goalkeeping coach in his spare time. But never mind that, for it was enough to stare into Rob Gagliardi's dreamy eyes and be beguiled by his long, flowing locks as he calmly translated the demented ramblings of Fabio Liverani into English. Gagliardi is possibly one of the reasons the Orient players were entirely unable to concentrate throughout each game, for if someone that thunderingly handsome is delivering the team talk who can blame them for taking to the pitch with all sorts of conflicting emotions?

2. The second coming of Marvin Bartley 
There’s only one Orient player who can claim to have had a better season than last, and that’s Marvin Bartley, baby. The reason is that for the midfielder to have had a worse season than last, he’d have had to have scored 47 own goals or accidentally sliced off Kevin Lisbie’s legs with a kitchen knife. Still, improvement must be applauded and there were few sights as thrilling this season as Marvin Bartley bludgeoning his way through the midfield towards goal and almost certain dispossession. If he keeps improving at this rate by 2032 we’re going to have a hell of a fifth-choice central midfielder in our squad. 

3. The hallucinogenic madness of the man of the match awards
Dagnall: played out of his skin
In seasons past a couple of representatives from the matchday sponsors would rock up at Brisbane Road, try to be polite about the quality of the food in Theo’s restaurant and then award the man of the match to Dean Cox. Job done. Not this season though, where the man of the match awards have become some sort of avant-garde parody of the club. Against Crewe, for example, Chris Dagnall scored about 11 goals, made 39 assists and played out of his skin to such an extent he was tearing around the pitch in a blur of veins, arteries and mucus. Despite all that, the sponsors gave the man of the match award to Romain Vincelot, who was at the time back home watching his beard. 

4. The Orient podcasts
E10 Mess and a walking, talking bad hair day 
It’s typical isn’t it. You wait forever for an Orient podcast then four turn up at once. But what a pleasure it was to follow our catastrophe of a season in the company of Orient Ramble, E10 Mess, Orient Outlook and Whipps Cross Weekly. Each had its own unique charm – E10 Mess’s hilarious tribute songs; Whipp Cross Weekly’s incisive analysis; Orient Outlook’s revealing interviews; and Orient Ramble’s lengthy diversions into the merits of various savoury snacks – and each deserves a lot of credit for the amount of effort put in by their creators. 

5. The enigma of Gianvito Plasmati
Gianvito Plasmati 
If there’s one player who can hold his head up high this season, it’s Gianvito Plasmati. Only in the literal sense though: he's 6ft 6in. He introduced himself to Brisbane Road by emitting a bloodcurdling scream and poleaxing himself to the ground after hearing a whispered insult from a Preston midfielder. It went downhill from there, though it’s hard to dislike a guy who despite his many limitations played each game with all the bounding enthusiasm of a retarded cocker spaniel. He’ll probably tear up League Two.

6. The comeuppance of Jamie Jones and George Porter
Whatever possessed Jamie Jones to send (and then hastily delete) a tweet goading the fans of the club that gave him his chance in professional football and paid his wages for six seasons? Probably amoeba-like levels of stupidity. Still, the last laugh was on us as the goalkeeper was unceremoniously shipped out on loan from Preston. See you in League Two, Scouse! George Porter, meanwhile, is a bell-end of monumental proportions, but after mocking his former club’s relegation was on the receiving end of this zinger from Craig Delew: “From Burnley to Maidstone, if Carlsberg did failed careers..." 

7. Tell ‘em about the honey, Andrea
Andrea Dossena
Remember Andrea Dossena's volleyed scissor kick from the touchline in his home debut? Well that was the solitary highlight of the ex-Liverpool star's season as he subsequently took it upon himself to try to single-handedly relegate the club with defending of the most kamikaze order. So it was with much mirth that Orient fans greeted the news that Dossena had been arrested over a jar of Harrods honey, entirely forgetting to pay for it almost as if he was supposed to be marking it at a corner. Thereon the jokes wrote themselves: “Hope he hires a good lawyer because he’s no good at defending himself.” And so forth.

8. The performances of Eldin Jakupovic Mk II
What’s the world record for the number of goals conceded by a football club in a single season? Well, whatever it is Orient would have beaten it in 2014/15 were it not for the magnificence of Alex Cisak. With a defence failing calamitously to get to grips with zonal marking, the goalkeeper must have felt like a president being assassinated by knife-wielding assailants while his bodyguards fiercely guarded random patches of ground nearby. That he is even spoken about in the same breath as Eldin Jakupovic is testament to his contribution. 

9. The die-hard fantaticism of Giulia Salemi 
Giulia Salemi has been a die-hard fan of Leyton Orient since birth and has religiously followed the fortunes of the club her whole life by sometimes reading the BBC Sport website. It was for this reason she was chosen as the co-host of the Italian reality show “Leyton Orient". Coincidentally she is also a former Miss Italia and a model of some repute. Coincidentally she also just fired her agent. What to make of all of this? Well, why don’t you ask her yourself? She’s bound to be in the Coach and Horses before our key relegation clash with Barnet next season. 

10. The ever-patient Orient fans
Yes, that’s you lot. In a season in which the club didn’t bother to communicate, collaborate or try to win any matches the vast majority of Orient fans have shown vast wells of resilience and good humour. 1-0 down against Rochdale away, staring down the barrel of League Two and you were still singing your hearts out. Nearly 1,000 of you turned up to watch Orient get relegated at Swindon. And even when you were frustrated, you showed it in a uniquely Orient way, as captured in the tweet of the season from Craig Rodhouse: “Only at Orient. A fan throws his season ticket at the bench on the last home game of the season. We know how to protest.” 

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