Leyton Orient 2 Preston North End 0, 24/11/12

Preston line up for kick off

A game in which... Orient proved to Graham Westley for the third time in a row that when it comes to winning football matches, size isn't everything. Presumably the home side had prepared for the game by attempting to dribble round skyscrapers and slide-tackle tanks, and it paid off. The Os out-fought and out-played the opposition and - I can't believe I'm actually writing this - took their chances while Preston didn't. And what a thoroughly enjoyable victory it was.

Moment of magic... An extraordinary sequence towards the end of the second half in which Preston had approximately 52 chances to score within the space of 15 seconds, but failed to convert any of them. Ryan Allsop - heroic again today - pulled off two blinding saves and at one point the ball skidded from one post to another, but somehow stayed out of the net. So, yes, Orient rode their luck at times but God knows we're due some. The last time good fortune smiled on Brisbane Road was back in 1923 when clumping wing-half Tommy "Dickers" Dixon inadvertently scored off his backside while bending over to throw up the 17 pints of milk stout he'd consumed that morning.

Preston's Jack King attempts a bicycle kick

Moment of madness... The moment in the first half when Preston's gargantuan midfielder Jack King tried - and spectacularly failed - to execute an audacious Ibrahimovic-esque bicycle kick in the Orient penalty area. It was like watching a slowly dying beached whale attempt a somersault.

Knight in shining armour... A fine team performance today, but let's take the chance to herald the renaissance of Ben Chorley. Last season, if you recall, the central defender focused most of his attention on plotting to oust Leon McSweeney from the club for heinous crimes such as "sneezing a little too often" and "sometimes blinking a bit much". This campaign he's concentrating on what he does best: pulling his shorts up to his midriff and battering the hell out of opposition strikers. Long may it continue.

Pantomime horse... No bad performances from anyone in an Orient shirt, so let's give the award to Graham Westley. The Preston manager is apparently so convinced that match officials are 'prejudiced' against his psychopathic teams that today instead of substituting one of his own players he replaced referee Andy Davies with the fourth official near the start of the second half.

Russell Slade

In the dug out... It's difficult to know what to make of Russell Slade's ability to take Orient down to new levels of abomination and then - just when it looks like his number might be up - turn it around with five wins in a row. But it looks like the manager has finally figured out what his best team is and - incredibly - that team contains David Mooney and Lloyd James (both excellent today). Is it luck? Is it judgement? Is he an evil genius planning to take over the world? No one knows. Probably least of all Russell himself.

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Can't wait to get my haircut at the end of the week" tweeted injured goalkeeper Lee Butcher on Tuesday, suggesting that he's struggling to find pleasure during his spell on the sidelines. "It's always nice to get home from a long drive" he reported on Thursday after presumably doing a few circuits of the M25 for kicks. Things went from bad to worse on Friday: "What a mistake that was thinking I should try something new at Starbucks. Eggnog not good." Don't worry, though, Os' fans - Butch has apparently invited Michael Symes over on Sunday for a couple of hours watching paint dry.

Statto corner... The last time Orient kept a clean sheet at home was in a game against Tranmere Rovers in 2010. Some of Jimmy Smith's stale aftershave had rubbed off on the goalpost, causing the visiting strikers to steer well clear, much as the girls of Faces nightclub, Gants Hill, would avoid the midfielder later that same evening.

Leyton Orient 0 Colchester United 1, 28/1/12

Not Brisbane Road

A game which... demonstrated that Brisbane Road is less a fortress, more a dolls' house made of no-frills tissue paper, glitter and orphans' tears. Four wins in 15 home league games this season tells its own story, and today was yet another occasion in which the Os followed up an impressive away victory with an utterly underwhelming performance. Disorganised in defence, wobbly in midfield and (two debatable penalty shouts aside) toothless up front... Not to mention more inappropriate passes than a night on the pull with George Porter.

Moment of magic... The out-of-character moment in the first half when Orient did actually manage to string together around 40 consecutive passes - albeit 39 of them in their own half and 38 of them backwards. Barcleona's reputation as the masters of possession is probably safe for the moment.

Moment of madness... Though it saddens me to say it, yet again Kevin Lisbie (as against Preston and Chesterfield) failed to put away his big chance - this time when he was clean through near the start of the first half. It seems he's finally succumbed to that east London-specific virus known as Fletcher-Cureton Syndrome that renders previously prolific strikers entirely impotent until they sign for another club.

Knight in shining armour... Well, no Orient player exactly covered themselves in glory today, but Lee Butcher responded well to the fact that he's imminently going to be dropped in favour of the nearly-fit Jamie Jones with a faultless display punctuated by two sharp saves in the second half.

Pantomime horse... Dean Cox celebrated signing a new three-and-a-half year contract with perhaps his least effective performance in an Orient shirt ever. Assigned the responsibility of what Russell Slade likes to call the "just run anywhere you like and try to, you know, do something" position, the former Brighton man frequently lost possession and misplaced passes. Towards the end of the game he apparently tackled himself in front of the Colchester fans - either that or his only other option was to pass to Marc Laird so he cut his losses.

In the dug out... Somewhat bemusing tactics from Russell Slade today, lining up in a formation which apparently required Smith, Spring, Cox and Laird to all play in exactly the same position. Admittedly the manager did finally give substitute George Porter a late run-out, but by then it was like asking Robert De Niro to make a cameo towards the end of an Ashton Kutcher film - it was far too late to salvage anything.

A word on the opposition... Gargantuan defender Tom Eastman will have particularly enjoyed today's game as it will remove the need for him to partake in heading practice for the next three years, such was the regularity with which Orient popped the ball up towards his bonce. Aside from that Colchester were well-organised and effective and but for Gavin Massey's jaw-dropping miss at the start of the second half would have had the game sewn up even earlier.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Nothing out of the ordinary from our usual suspects this week so let's instead dwell on the self-proclaimed "lone wolf trying to find his way", ex-O Loick Pires. The former star of Bambi on Ice boasts a Twitter feed that mixes culinary ruminations - "Am I the only person out there who can eat cereal at any time of the day?" - with deep philosophical posturing, such as "Why do pigeons exist?" Best of all, however, was this: "I'd love to be a comedian. Imagine the buzz you'd get from making people laugh all the time." How quickly you forget the crowd reaction to your appearances at Brisbane Road, Loick.

Lesson for the day... Hey Russell! As the fat girl said to the supermodel, there's nothing wrong with a bit of width.

Top 10 Brisbane Road moments of 2011

Though Robin Van Persie apologists may disagree, football runs in seasons, not calendar years.

Nonetheless, 2011 hasn't been a bad year for Os fans, featuring a 13-match unbeaten run, memorable victories over the likes of Sheffield Wednesday and Charlton, an FA Cup odyssey that culminated in a famous draw against Arsenal at Brisbane Road and, of course, the departure of Ryan Jarvis.

Here, then, are my top 10 moments of the year...

10. Ince goes off the boil   
Leyton Orient 2 Notts County 0, 5 March 2011

Orient's dream FA Cup run had come to end three days before this fixture and as such it wouldn't have been a surprise to see the players exhibiting the sort of humdinging hangover that used to regularly accompany Sean Thornton to training sessions. But not so: the Os put in a professional and convincing performance to ease past Notts County, which so incensed their manager Paul Ince that he was moved to throw his half-time tea over Kevin Dearden and offer him out. Presumably if the Os' goalkeeping coach had taken him up on his offer, Ince would have bottled it at the last minute and sent Gareth Southgate to fight him instead.

9. The Beast bites back   
Leyton Orient 3 Exeter 0, 10 December 2011

Jonathan Tehoue spent so much time digging Orient out of holes last season that he could easily forge a new career as a miner if it wasn't for all the actual hard work involved. After a hand injury had kept him out for the opening part of the season the French striker reminded fans why he's such an important player to have on the bench. With the Os 1-0 up but the game far from over, he trundled up the pitch and nodded in Kevin Lisbie's cross with his very first touch of the game.

8. George's greased lightning  
Leyton Orient 3 Bromley 0, 12 November 2011

Not since the days when Martin Ling would sprint towards his phone whenever a striker over the height of 5ft 6in came on the market has Brisbane Road been witness to any true bursts of speed. Enter George Porter, who showed what he's capable of against non-league Bromley by simply knocking the ball his ahead of himself near the halfway line, then continuing his blistering charge all the way to goal to put Orient 2-0 up.

7. Butcher shows his guts!   
Leyton Orient 2 Preston North End 1, 1 October 2011

The fact that Orient - having failed to win a single one of their first 10 league fixtures of the season - were leading Preston 2-1 at half-time was a miracle enough in itself. But when the Lilywhites were awarded a spot kick in the second half fans would have been less surprised to see Lee Butcher part the Red Sea, feed the five thousand and raise Lazarus from the dead than actually save Graham Alexander's penalty. Butch had just let in 14 consecutive spot kicks in a shoot out against Dagenham & Redbridge; Alexander is one of football's most deadly 12-yard bandits. But save it he did, giving Orient the platform to go on and record their first victory of the season.


6. Lis is more!   
Leyton Orient 1 Sheffield United 1, 22 October 2011

Orient have a lot of difficulty winning games with 11 players on the pitch, so when it's 10 against 12 they really have very little chance of getting a result. Yes, referee Oliver Langford certainly didn't make things easy after a series of decisions so nonsensical that they could easily have been mistaken for the plot of Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol. All hail Kevin Lisbie, then, who tucked a loose ball away in the sixth minute of added time to snatch a point for the Os and send Brisbane Road into delirium.

5. M'Poku rocket rocks Latics   
Leyton Orient 1 Oldham 0, 12 March 2011

By March, Orient were eight points off the play-offs with four games in hand, but were finding it hard to break down a resilient Oldham side. With 10 minutes to go Russell Slade turned to his bench and realised that he'd accidentally left his best player out of the side for the 15th consecutive week. But no matter, for Spurs loanee Paul-Jose M'Poku only needed a few minutes to work his magic, and with a Shazam! and an Abracadabra! unleashed an unstoppable strike with the outside of his boot that gave Orient three invaluable points at the death.


4. Great Scott! Four-star Os overrun Owls  
Leyton Orient 4 Sheffield Wednesday 0, 22 January 2011

When one-time Premier League residents Sheffield Wednesday came-a-calling at Brisbane Road in January they faced an Orient side who'd only just hauled themselves out of the relegation zone. Alan Irvine's team talk probably went something like: "Don't exert yourselves too much lads, we've got some important games coming up. Just knock it around a bit and wait for their right back to spoon the ball into his own net." Unfortunately for the Owls they found themselves on the receiving end of an inspired performance by the home side, capped by veteran Scott McGleish's glancing header that sealed a deserved 4-0 victory.

3. Big Ben chimes time for Charlton  
Leyton Orient 1 Charlton Athletic 0, 31 December 2011

The final day of 2011 and there was something of a party spirit at Brisbane Road. No, the Peter Allen Cafe wasn't offering a free soup of the day (always tomato) with any purchase of a pizza pod, but rather Leyton Orient were giving league leaders Charlton the runaround. The fact that they'd only put away one of their countless chances meant a nervy final few minutes, but when Rhoys Wiggins looked to have equalised for the visitors big brave Ben Chorley was on hand to majestically block the shot on the line, allowing the Os to see in the New Year in style.


2. Jar-Jar sinks Peterborough 
Leyton Orient 2 Peterborough 1, 22 April 2011

Incredibly, with four games left of the 2010/11 season Orient were still in with a shout of reaching the play-offs, though a win against promotion-chasing Peterborough was essential to keep hopes alive. With ten minutes to go the scores were level and Russell Slade must have been ready to throw in the towel. Instead he threw in Ryan Jarvis, which was tantamount to the same thing. But in the sixth minute of injury time the former Norwich man - who'd hardly played a game all season - defied all known laws of the universe to rise majestically above the Peterborough defence to meet Jason Crowe's cross and nod the Os to victory.


1. Tehoue shoots down Gunners
Leyton Orient 1 Arsenal 1, 20 February 2011

Arsene Wenger has an encyclopedic knowledge of French football, but even he was unaware of a fellow countryman by the name of Jonathan Tehoue who once lumbered around the playing fields of Europe like an ailing ocean liner on one last voyage before being put out of commission. Tehoue found his home in east London and, for all his shortcomings over 90 minutes, there is no striker in the country deadlier from the bench - as Arsenal discovered to their cost when he scored in the 90th minute of the FA Cup fifth round tie. A packed Brisbane Road was rocked to its rafters.

Was 2011 as good as 2010? Take a look at the Top Ten Brisbane Road Moments of 2010 and decide...

Leyton Orient 0 MK Dons 3, 26/12/11

A game in which... it seemed apparent that the MK Dons squad had spent Christmas Day drinking protein shakes, doing one-handed press-ups and firing themselves up by watching the famous Battle of Agincourt speech from Henry V. The Orient team, meanwhile, had clearly passed the time with their heads stuck down a bumper-sized box of Quality Street while plumped on the sofa sniggering, burping and farting their way through Home Alone.

So despite a relatively bright first half in which, to be fair, Orient could have gone ahead if it wasn't for the fact that their finishing was about as clinical as an operating theatre located in a sewer, the home side fell apart in the second and allowed an impressive MK Dons side to totally dominate and record a deserved victory.

Moment of magic... Not many to choose from, but Lee Butcher did pull off an impressive reflex save with his feet in the second half, diverting a close range shot onto the underside of the crossbar. That said, moments later he was so transfixed by Adam Smith's 35-yard strike that he simply watched in wonder as it sailed into his top corner, almost as if he'd just witnessed the Star of Bethlehem in the east London sky.

Moment of madness... When Jamie Cureton found himself alone on the opposition six-yard box with the ball at his feet and no defender near him, yet still managed to skew the ball onto the post. The fact that he was actually offside is by the by - at this rate you'd get better odds on Barry Hearn revealing himself to be the real Santa Claus than 'the Orient Torres' actually getting the ball in the back of the net before the season's up.

Knight in shining armour... Terrell Forbes tends to go about his business with the quiet efficiency of a mild-mannered mortgage adviser, but seasoned Brisbane Road observers will note he's seldom put a foot wrong this season. Today, in particular, he was imperious at the back in the face of the impressive MK Dons frontline of Dean Bowditch and some fella name of Jabo.

Pantomime horse... Now, Scott Cuthbert has been in superb form in the centre of defence this season, but clearly isn't the answer at right back given that he's got all the delivery skills of a bicycle courier on acid. He's not helped by the Russell Slade's aversion to playing right midfielders in front of him but - and here's a sentence you probably thought would never exist in the whole history of time - it'll be good to have Leon McSweeney back.

In the dug out... Some slightly bemusing decisions from the big man today, not least taking off Matthew Spring to allow George Porter on, when surely Jimmy Smith was the more logical choice given that Spring was actually giving some level of control to Orient's passing, while Smith was, well, you know, running around in circles wondering whether he needed to trim his hair again tomorrow or the day after.

A word on the opposition... To keep things in perspective it should be noted that MK Dons are one of the best sides to rock up at Brisbane Road this season, and Orient did match them throughout the first half. Meanwhile, it's worth remembering that at the end of the 2007/08 season Orient replaced Jabo Ibehre with Ryan Jarvis, which is something akin to a car enthusiast trading in his Ferrari Superamerica 45 for a punctured space hopper.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Thanks to the magic of Twitter we get to discover what Orient players get up to on Christmas Day. Dean Cox was on chef duties, as we can see from this picture which, incredibly, was actually taken inside the kitchen of a doll's house. Scott Cuthbert, too (also pictured), was also cooking - either that or he's moonlighting as a cut-price stripper.

Jimmy Smith was as excitable as ever: "Family getting drunk mum is doing me head in lol have some off my water mum lol #LEGOOOOOO". George Porter, meanwhile, celebrated the festive season the only way he knows how: "They'll be some love making, heart breaking, soul shaking !!" he tweeted before settling down to watch Downtown Abbey on his own with a monster pack of Doritos.

Lesson for the day... Three, in fact. Don't let your best strikers leave! Try not to eat too many mince pies if you're a professional footballer! Right midfielders are helpful!

Leyton Orient 1 Bury 0, 15/10/11

A game in which... Orient had so many chances to score it was almost as if Gary Barlow had wandered into Faces Nightclub, Gants Hill, on Ladies-4-Free night. Yes, after a pretty tepid first half the Os had the X Factor in the second, creating plenty up front and remaining solid at the back. On such simple foundations games are won, and although the Os should have converted at least another goal or two, three wins in three suggests that the diabolical start to the season is now becoming as distant a memory as Kate Thornton's career.

Moment of magic... The first half moment when Dean Cox managed to chest a 40-yard pass from Matthew Spring around a Bury defender to play himself in for a run at goal. Although he had a relatively quiet game by his own high standards, the pint-sized midfielder is still the Leona Lewis in a team of otherwise forgotten X Factor winners.

Moment of madness... The second half moment when Kevin Lisbie - in the penalty area with clear sight of goal - dawdled for so long on the ball that Bury's Efe Sodje had enough time to run a few personal errands before calmly dispossessing the Orient striker. Don't get me wrong, Lisbie put in a hard-working shift, but in front of goal today he was about as deadly as a Dannii Minogue put down.

Knight in shining armour... It was a good team performance, with much-improved displays from Leon McSweeney and David Mooney, plus a faultless shift from Terrell Forbes. But at the heart of it was that man Stephen Dawson again, who ran himself into ground to such a degree that they're going to need to call in a bulldozer to dig him out again.

Pantomime horse... No one had a particularly bad game, although Scott Cuthbert did nearly hari-kari the ball off his shin and into his own net at the death. And while Lee Butcher kept a clean sheet and made some tidy saves, he still looks as panicked as a talent show contestant who's forgotten his lyrics whenever crosses are floating in.

In the dug out... It looks like Big Russ has got his mojo back after spending the first couple of months of the season sulking about not being allowed the chance to get Barnsley relegated. His 4-2-3-1 formation - otherwise known as 'Give it to Coxy and hope for the best' - seems to be paying dividends, and with Jimmy Smith soon to come back to take the anonymous midfielder role from Tom Clarke things are looking up.

A word on the opposition... 'You can't cure ugliness' shouted a West Stand wag as Bury's Mark Hughes ran to the touchline to receive treatment. But Bury weren't an unattractive side and could certainly consider themselves unlucky not to have snatched a point when they hit the woodwork in the final minutes.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Busy week for the injured Jimmy Smith. In between waking up and going to bed he also had to get a new phone. And since there's only so much cognitive activity one footballing brain can cope with, something had to give - and in this case it was his Twitter password: 'New twitter New phone 4got me other password lol oh #LEGOOOOO' he wrote on his new account. In future then, for gripping real-time news of haircuts and training, then @Sm1thy_JD is your man.

Lesson of the day... Last week's Lisbie aberration aside, there is clearly some as yet unnamed law of physics that dictates that Orient players will never, ever score when in a one-on-one situation with the goalkeeper. Three chances went begging today (Dawson twice and Lisbie once) which suggests that in future the Os might considering preserving energy by simply booting the ball back into their own half of the field. Cut out the middle man.

Leyton Orient 2 Preston North End 1, 1/10/11

A game in which... you'd probably have got better odds on Amy Childs winning the Nobel Prize for Literature than the eventual result. But, yes, ladies and gentlemen, Leyton Orient have finally won a game of football. And fully deserved it too, for while at times they rode their luck like a rodeo champion on a fairground bucking bronco, over the 90 minutes the Os were the better team.

Admittedly the last 15 minutes were as nerve-wracking as the words "Today's flight is under the command of captain Stevie Wonder", but never in the history of modern culture have 4000 people actually been pleased to hear the soft-rocking jangle of Status Quo's Rockin' All Over The World.

Moment of magic... Lee Butcher, remember, has failed to save any of his last 14 penalties. Preston's Graham Alexander is one of the most reliable spot kickers in the whole of football. So when the two stared each other down from 12 yards at the start of the second half, it was like watching Mad Frankie Fraser square up to Brian Dowling. Incredibly, though, Butcher defied the odds, pulled off a remarkable save and gave Orient the confidence that things just might go their way.

Moment of madness... Preston's first goal, in which a hole opened up in Orient's defence so big that even Simon Cowell's ego couldn't have plugged it up. At that point it looked like it was game over, but massive credit to the players for pulling themselves out of the mire.

Knight in shining armour... Coxy got the goals, but it was Stephen Dawson that drove Orient to victory, with a performance so gritty it could have melted snow-covered roads across the whole of Essex. If the team are going to avoid relegation we're going to need our captain to put in plenty more shifts like this.

Pantomime horse... Yes, Leon McSweeney was playing out of position, but surely that doesn't excuse a repeated inability to control or pass the ball? In one particularly bizarre moment the former Hartlepool man elected to prevent a ball going out for a throw-on 40 yards up the pitch by booting it out for a corner.

In the dug out... Today Russ was more fired up than he's been all season and was twice seen passionately issuing complex instructions - "Watch the ball!" "Try not to let any goals in!" - from the touchline. But you have to hand it to him for his bold tactical genius in lulling Preston into a false sense of security by failing to win the previous 10 games then hitting them with a sucker punch.

A word on the opposition... After the first 30 minutes, in which they waltzed around Orient as if they were auditioning for the new series of Strictly Come Dancing, Preston suddenly seemed to suffer collective sunstroke - possibly under the glare of Phil Brown's tan. A classy side no doubt - the young Jamie Proctor looked impressive - but today wasn't their day.

Meanwhile on Twitter... While the followers of Jimmy Smith were no doubt on tenterhooks awaiting his comments on the recent hot weather - "Lovely HOT day, time 4 Trim + Food + watch TV" he eventually tweeted, much to everyone's relief - the young George Porter was less impressed with the temperature. "If I see 1 more girl in leggings I'm gunna start kicking off ! Look at the weather females," he wrote, while presumably cruising the streets of Essex in his Ford Focus.

Lesson for the day... If all else fails lob the ball up into the six-yard box for your 4ft 9in midfielder to head in. If improbable goals are the way forward, then, next week Orient should try lining up Charlie Daniels to shoot with his right foot - that or bring back Loick Pires.

Johnstone's Paint Trophy: Leyton Orient 1 Dagenham & Redbridge 1 (13-14 pens), 7/9/11

A game which... proved beyond doubt that there is a seventh circle of Hell in which the worst and most persistent sinners are forced to watch Orient play Dagenham and Redbridge in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy for all eternity. Putting aside the amusing quirk of the 14-13 penalty shoot out for the moment, this was once again a performance with all the cutting edge of a lump of tofu, not to mention one containing glaring lapses in defence and kamikaze goalkeeping. Apart from that, all good.

Moment of class... Lee Butcher's penalty, in which the stopper's confidence while taking a spot kick was diametrically opposed to his poise when he's actually between the sticks. Perhaps Slade could play him up front against Colchester, because the whole 'goalkeeping' thing isn't really working out for him.

Moment of madness... The shoot out, of course, in which 27 penalties in a row were scored before Ben Chorley's effort was saved. If there's any crumb of comfort in this godforsaken season, it's that we're not too bad at spot kicks. Could come in handy if we make the League Two play-off final next season.

Knight in shining armour... George Porter added a vague sense of urgency when he came on and did well down the right to set up Mooney's goal. No doubt he was fired up as a result of Russell Slade's rousing post-Chesterfield pep talk on the team coach.

Pantomime horse... Every Orient player was pretty much as bad as the next, though let's pick on Marc Laird for no other reason than he appears to be to the Orient midfield what Jason Orange is to Take That - you know there's probably some reason why he needs to be there, but you can't for the life of you think what it might be.

In the dug out... "Now we need five new players!" shouted a West Stand wag as Jonathan Tehoue went down injured in the second half. In reply, Russ resignedly nodded his head in agreement. I admire his honesty, but we really don't need five new players. We need eleven.

A word on the opponents... Plenty of Daggers fans came to enjoy the annual tradition of beating Orient in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy and their team did them proud with a tidy and effective performance. For home supporters, meanwhile, the experience was something akin to being tied to a chair while your irritating little brother repeatedly flicks your ear for hours on end.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Never let it be said that Jimmy Smith is not a thinker. Admittedly tweets such as "Food - bath - watch England - bed!!" demonstrate only the most limited cognitive ability, but before tonight's match the midfielder uploaded the philosophical humdinger you see on the left. Translation: Orient's midfield - like branches of a tree we all go in different directions, but we remain rooted to the bottom of the table.

Lesson for the day... Well, Orient did field a severely weakened team in a tournament that's obviously a low priority for the club. The only problem is that the severely weakened team is also our first choice XI. Yikes.

And from the darker reaches of Freeview HD...

Brentford 5 Leyton Orient 0, 20/8/11

A game which... demonstrated that even when they've hit rock bottom, Orient have an incredible capacity to find even deeper levels of abomination. Where to even begin? The defence: sliced open so many times it was as if they were auditioning for bit parts in a remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The midfield: so anonymous they could almost have secured a spot on Celebrity Big Brother. The attack: all the penetration of a eunuch-porn flick. Need I go on?

Moment of class... Dean Cox's ambitious first-half lob from the edge of the penalty area that beat Brentford keeper Richard Lee but bounced back off the crossbar. Just think what would have happened if that had gone in. Yes, that's right, we would have lost 5-1.

Moment of madness... Lee Butcher's second-half decision to place Dean Cox in his defensive wall for a free-kick, the equivalent of a bricklayer thinking to himself, 'Fuck this cement shit, I'm going to use ice cream instead.' Naturally Brentford's Sam Saunders simply booted the ball knee-high over Tiny's head and straight into the net.

Knight in shining armour... Selecting an Orient man of the match from today's game is like trying to choose which of Katie Price's novels should win the Pulitzer Prize. But, while I should point out that Dean Cox isn't in the best form himself, he's still standing head and shoulders above the rest of the team. Not literally, obviously.

Pantomime horse... No shortage of candidates for this one, but let's focus on Lee Butcher, whose inexperience is somewhat reminiscent of a 16-year-old virgin clumsily trying to have sex with the babysitter. In a couple of years he'll know what to do, but for the moment he's got no authority around the box.

In the dug out... 'I was disappointed,' said Russell Slade after the game, which in understatement terms is a bit like greeting the news that a huge asteroid is about to destroy our entire planet with the words, 'Oh, that's annoying.' To be fair to the manager, after three straight defeats he did at least try to rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic a bit, but clearly there's a deep malaise in the team and it's something he's going to have to sort out pretty sharpish if he doesn't want the club to sink into relegation.

A word on the visitors... Full marks to Brentford, who managed to steal candy from a baby, shoot fish in a barrel and take acorns from a blind pig all in the space of 90 minutes. The Bees could well have easier matches this season, but only if they decide to play a charity game against the under-11 side from the local girls school.

Meanwhile, on Twitter... Something of a chicken-and-egg spat yesterday when one-time Brisbane Road misser of point-blank scoring opportunities Gary Alexander - @gazalex29 - tried to defend his decision to cup his ears at Orient fans after netting for Brentford last season. 'i was being abused then scored thats when i put my hand to my ear' he claimed, adding, 'i got a letter from a fan saying he was disgusted about the abouse'. Too right, 'abouse' does sound disgusting Gary. Whatever it is.

Lesson for the day: Don't despair simply because Orient are almost certain to be relegated. There may be hope: Why Five-Goal Defeats Are Good For Orient

FA Cup Round 1 Replay: Leyton Orient 3 Dagenham & Redbridge 2

A game in which... Orient nearly contrived to throw away a two-goal lead for the third time this season after they were temporarily bamboozled by Dagenham & Redbridge's visionary tactics (lump it up to Bas Savage, see what happens). That said, apart from 15 minutes of madness in the second half when the Os appeared terror-stricken by the sight of the ball repeatedly dropping into the penalty area from great height, this was a relatively decent performance.

Moment to savour... Paul-Jose M'poku's through pass to Alex Revell for Orient's second goal split the Dagenham & Redbridge defence like a chainsaw through butter. Although Charlie Daniels' jinking run to the byline that took out about four Daggers' defenders in the second half was equally as praiseworthy.

Head in hands moment... Lee Butcher's bizarre first-half decision to throw the ball out to Charlie Daniels, despite the fact the left back was surrounded by the entire Dagenham & Redbridge team - including the goalkeeper and substitutes.

King for a day... Chorley was commanding in defence, M'poku a constant threat on the left wing, Daniels put in a great shift and even Jimmy Smith did a couple of things of note, such as... erm... no, it's gone. But man of the match has to go to that old trooper Scott McGleish, whose tireless running, two goals and salmon-swimming-upstream headers ensured the Os reached round two safely. Not bad for a 48-year-old.

Boo boy... No one really, though sadly Jonathan Tehoue's cameos are looking less and less impressive as time goes on.

In the dug out... Big Russ repsonded to a fan's complaint about James Walker - who'd just spooned a cross into the crowd - with a barrel-load of invective. Fair enough, Russ, you've certainly showed a lot of faith in Walker. Oh, hang on...

What would Martin Ling have done? Responded to Adam Chambers' injury by simply playing 10 men from the start. "There's no one who can replace Chambo," he'd say, defiantly, "except maybe Derek Duncan, and there's an important reserves game coming up so I don't want to risk him."

On the way to Wembley? It's Droylsden in the second round, and while it's never easy playing away from home against a Sunday pub team, the Os should be able to make it to round three. After that, well, who knows how many we'll lose by if we draw a Premier League team?

FA Cup round 1: Dagenham & Redbridge 1 Leyton Orient 1, 16/11/10

A game which... demonstrated that there are three certainties in life: death, taxes and the fact that Orient will always concede a goal from a set piece when playing away from home. (Four times in the last four away games, fact fans.) Aside from that, this was a game so bland that if it were a TV show, it would be co-presented by Kate Thornton and Holly Willoughby, have a theme tune by David Gray and feature ex-Holby City actors trying to guess which brands of paint dry quickest.

Moment to savour... Tricky one that, but in the first five minutes Matthew Spring executed his trademark slow-mo pirouette and fired the ball across the field to Alex Revell with a fair degree of class.

Head in hands moment... Dean Cox's 80th-minute miss, which selfishly consigned Orient fans to having to sit through another game against Dagenham & Redbridge. Set up by Revell, the goal was gaping, but the tiny wind-up merchant managed to place his shot directly at the goalkeeper's outstretched boot.

King for a day... Selecting Orient's man of the match is a bit like asking which one of The Saturdays is most likely to have a successful solo career. The answer, clearly, is none of them. Spring played ok, Omozusi added an occasional spark down the right in the second half, Dawson was tireless as ever... But probably Alex Revell edged it for working hard from right midfield and taking his simple chance. Let's ignore the fact he could well have got a hatrick in the first 10 minutes had his decision-making been a bit better.

Boo boy... While no one had a shocker, pretty much the whole team had a moment of ineptitude at some point, not least Lee Butcher, who surely has to be at fault for the Daggers' goal, if only for apparently not building his wall properly.

In the dug out... Do we really need to play 4-5-1 against Dagenham & Redbridge in the FA Cup, Russ?

What would Martin Ling have done? Used the cup game to allow a couple of his youngsters the chance to show the travelling fans what they're all about. "Loick Pires gained valuable experience today," he'd say defiantly in defence of the gangly midfielder's three own-goals and sending off.

On the way to Wembley? Well, if Orient are to progress in this competition, they're going to need a home fixture in every round for starters. That aside, today's performance wasn't one that inspires too much hope for the rest of the season. When's M'poku fit again?

Leyton Orient 1 Hartlepool United 0, 16/10/10

A game in which... Orient abandoned their previously unsuccessful tactic of playing reasonably well and then losing in favour of playing absolutely abysmally and winning. The first 60 minutes were woeful, a footballing spectacle only marginally preferable to trying to trim your own toenails with a chainsaw. The last 30 minutes were better, thanks solely to the introduction of on-loan midfielder Paul-Jose M'poku. The Belgian U19 international reminded his forgetful Orient teammates that passing, dribbling, running and shooting are often useful weapons to deploy when trying to win a game of football.

Moment to savour... Hartlepool, it should be noted, were equally as dire as Orient, but did have one notable attempt at goal in the second half - a header which reserve goalkeeper Lee Butcher acrobatically turned over the bar, indicating he could prove to be a more than able back up to Jamie Jones.

Head in hands moment... Ben Chorley's lung-busting 70-yard run towards the end of the game, which took him from deep in the Orient half into Hartlepool's penalty area. Is he going to blast it into the net? Is he going to cleverly lay it off for Scott McGleish to score? Oh, he's passed it straight to the opposition and has to run all the way back again... Shame.

King for a day... Only one candidate really: Paul-Jose M'poku. Introduced with half an hour to go, he gave the Os some real impetus going forward, continually beating men and causing trouble around the edge of the box. Presumably he'd been watching the game very closely from the bench, because he opted to shoot from every free kick rather than pass to a fellow red shirt, no matter how far away from goal he was. Clever.

Boo boy... Dean Cox, who gave an outright JJ Melligan of a performance. In the first 15 minutes he bizarrely opted to deftly chip the ball back into this own penalty area into the path of an onrushing Hartlepool player, and it went downhill from there. Even his trademark squaring up to an opposition player seemed half-hearted this week.

In the dug out... Let's give Big Russ the benefit of the doubt and assume that, despite the loss of Stephen Dawson to injury, he left M'poku on the bench for match-fitness rather than tactical reasons. Still, there was a fair degree of heckling from the West Stand over his reluctance to make any substitutions until the final half an hour, and the manager's apparently unending in faith in his first-choice eleven despite Orient's league position is a bit dubious. And what's James Walker done to upset him? Pissed in his cap?

What would Martin Ling have done? Claimed in the post-match press conference that Paul-Jose Mpoku's performance was one of genius, then gone on to leave him on the bench for the next match in favour of JJ Melligan. "JJ's been really committed in training this week and he deserves his chance," he'd say, defiantly.

Going down? Well, we're out of the relegation zone, but it's going to take a lot more than a 1-0 win over a hopeless Hartlepool side to salvage something from this season. Still, keep the teenage Spurs loanees coming in and we might just stand a chance of staying up.