Leyton Orient 1 Crewe Alexandra 2, 17/9/19

A game in which... after six consecutive seasons of either boom or bust, Orient returned to their normal resting state of being mildly shit. This means that anyone who began supporting the team post-2012/13 will now be experiencing a sickening realisation akin to Charlton Heston discovering that the Planet of The Apes was actually Earth; Keanu Reeves uncovering that humans were being farmed for energy by a race of artificially intelligent beings in The Matrix; and fans of Milli Vanilli receiving the news that Fab and Rob didn't actually sing on their own records.

Yeah, don't come here expecting any contemporary cultural references, right? Otherwise I'd have used the shattering revelation that Drake doesn't write his own raps. I digress: my point is that fans longer in tooth will have felt the warm glow of familiarity in seeing Orient fail to trouble an opposition goalkeeper for 90 minutes; give away sloppy goals; huff and puff a bit to no discernible effect; and make all the wrong substitutions at the wrong time. In other words business as usual for the years 1881 to 2012 with only a handful of exceptions. Welcome back Orient, we've missed you.



Moment of magic... A penalty! Rejoice. Oh hang on, Angol's gone off injured. Shit. And some bloke who made it as far as the judges' houses in the 2013 series of The X Factor has wandered onto the pitch to take it. Oh, he's missed...

I mean, to be fair Dale Gorman – sensing the impending catastrophe – did initially try to take the ball off Jordan Maguire-Drew, but the winger stuffed it up his shirt to prevent him doing so. Either that or Maguire-Drew was reprising his hilarious training ground skit – "Look lads I'm pregnant! Did you hear that - pregnant!! Hahahahaha!!" – which at least two of his team mates found mildly diverting the first time, less so the 57th. Whatever – he must never ever take a spot kick again.

Praise be... Hilariously the sponsors – clearly well into their seventh bottle of Echo Falls by this point – gave man of the match to Conor Wilkinson. So let's go along with that for a laugh shall we? Conor Wilkinson has tidy feet, no one can deny that. Equally he worked industriously in the final third of the pitch, winning a few headers and holding on to the ball, all of which amounted to literally nothing. Zilch. Diddly squat. No end product whatsoever. He's the footballing equivalent of a master civil engineer who spends years painstaking designing a bridge to traverse a ravine, only to accidentally leave a gaping hole in the middle, yelling madly "EVERYTHING WORKS FINE APART FROM ALL THE PEOPLE FALLING TO THEIR DEATHS!"


Taxi for... Let's get back to Jordan Maguire-Drew shall we? I mean, there's no denying he has hair and tattoos. I would also back him to casually chip the keeper and score if ever gifted the ball by an opposition defender, as was the case in this game. Unfortunately we can also rely on "The Magpie" (is that his nickname? Let's agree it is) to repeatedly give the ball away in dangerous areas and generally arse around to little effect for much of the game. Let's give him the benefit of doubt and call him an "enigma" for the moment though, ok?

In the dug out... Well, you have to feel for Ross Embleton when he thinks to himself "I need to change things up here" only to turn around and see James Alabi looking up at him with the expectant eyes of yapping cocker spaniel. Mind you, Embleton was probably the idiot who removed him from the transfer list so what goes around comes around. Still, calling for his head is ludicrous. I might be old-fashioned, but I'd rather give a new manager more than nine games to prove his mettle. He can have ten.

Are we going to be relegated? I refer you to my earlier point: we are mildly shit, which means we'll likely spend most of the season mathematically in danger of relegation but probably just keep above the danger zone by virtue of inexplicably against-the-run-of-form victories against northern teams away from home. It is probably also fair to say that a number of our players have yet to fully adjust to League Two, but let's not have them summarily executed just yet, hey? We must restrict ourselves only to the more courageous activity of being sarcastic about them on blogs and social media.

Meanwhile in the Orient programme... 

Editor: Hey Jordan, we need a recipe from you for Tuesday's edition.
Jordan: My recipe is to score lots of goals hahahaha!
Editor: Right. I'm going to need an actual recipe.
Jordan: Sorry.
Editor: What's your favourite meal?
Jordan: I eat defenders for breakfast hahahahaha!
Editor: Yeah, again, I need an actual meal.
Jordan: Sorry. It's steak and eggs.
Editor: Do you know how to cook steak and eggs?
Jordan: Yes! You cook the steak and then cook the eggs.
Editor: But how?
Jordan: ... could you write that bit?

Leyton Orient 0 Crewe Alexandra 2, 29/10/16

A game in which... it became apparent that there must be something more than Francesco Becchetti's rank incompetence, belligerence, arrogance, megalomania and psychopathy that's driven Orient from the brink of the Championship to the brink of the Conference. I think on top of that he must also have a personal vendetta against Os supporters and is deliberately taking us down just to spite each and every one of us.

Far-fetched? Maybe, but not as goggle-eyed mental as the idea that it's somehow the fans' fault for not getting behind the team enough. Anyways, anyways, the game... Well, Orient actually looked vaguely League Two competent – if 100 per cent unthreatening – for the first 25 minutes or so before the ever-predictable defensive cock-ups and consequent two-goal deficit led to drop in footballing ability of such magnitude that I was slightly concerned it might cause the universe to collapse in on itself.

Jump off your seat moment... The substitution of Nigel Atangana, a decision that will go down in human history as the worst since the captain of the Titanic said to his first mate, "Yeah, I hardly think we need to worry about some little iceberg – full speed ahead!" In the swirling ineptitude that engulfs Brisbane Road every fortnight the French midfielder at least seems to have some basic grasp of the minimum requirements of a professional footballer.

Give that man a medal... Ada the kit man, on the basis that as far as I know no Orient player has yet taken to the pitch in odd socks or the wrong-coloured shorts or naked under the Becchetti regime – pretty much the only thing on or off the pitch that hasn't gone cataclysmically wrong. Hats off to Ada for sticking it out – I suspect that [METAPHOR ALERT!] in the event of a nuclear winter he and the cockroaches would be the lone survivors on our scorched planet.

Taxi for... Jens Janse. Who even is this guy? *Looks up Wikipedia* Ah right, well, it was always going to take something special to actually stand out as worse than the rest of the Orient team today, but by God the Dutch right back gave it his best shot by literally passing to a Crewe player every time he got the ball. Thing is though, even he seems to have some sort of pedigree, as does pretty much every other player in the team – including a number of promotion winners. So why are they playing with such lack of confidence, spirit and ability? Could they all coincidentally have lost their talents at exactly the same time? Or could perhaps the deep malaise at the heart of the club be affecting on-field performances? Just a thought.

In the dug out... When you're 2-0 down at home at half-time, taking off a striker and reverting to 4-5-1 is certainly a novel approach. And I'm using the word "novel" here in the sense of Katie Price's 2015 tome Make My Wish Come True, in which a young showbiz reporter goes undercover to expose a cheating TV chef, but risks losing her best friend in doing so. With a record of four losses in five games Alberto Cavasin is clearly going to get the chop soon enough so I can hardly be bothered to expend the energy slagging him off. Also, I could not hope to get close to the comic heights he hits in his own post-match interview. (Choice quote from an incredulous Dave Victor: "So you thought about taking off the substitute??!) Probably a nice enough bloke – hasn't offered any fans out yet so he's one up on Ian Hendon in my book. Not a hope in hell of turning this round, mind. Next.

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Great training today, we are ready for tomorrow's match against Crewe Alexandra" declared the Mr Alberto Cavasin almost as if someone was writing his tweets for him in English and almost as if Orient were actually ready for the match against Crewe, rather than being physically and emotionally exhausted by the double training sessions Francesco Becchetti had insisted upon all week, almost as if he were a qualified sports scientist. It's almost as if no one knows what the fuck they're doing, hey? Almost...

Leyton Orient 4 Crewe Alexandra 1, 22/11/14

A game in which... Orient finally threw the monkey – I say monkey, more like a King Kong-sized gorilla – off their back and won a league game at home. Yes, today the players beat their chests and roared, putting in a performance that bristled with energy and impetus.

Particularly pleasing was the reappearance of some of the elements we've been missing from last season – "passing", "defending" and "scoring", for example – and the fact that even when Crewe got one back we didn't totally fall apart. Much to enjoy.

Jump off your seat moment... The jaw dropping moment in the first half when our new left back attempted a mid-air volleyed shot from the touch line about 40 yards out. Who the hell does he think he is, Andrea Dossena of Liverpool, Napoli and the Italian national team? Seriously though, this guy has more than a touch of class, and if that's what £12,000 a week of Albanian waste management money gets you, I'm all for it.

Give that man a medal... Excellent stuff from Vincelot, Mooney, Wright and more, but Lord Almighty, where did that performance from Chris Dagnall come from? The bearded goal-nipper was everywhere, scampering around like he'd just ingested a bucket-load of street ketamine and was trying to gain entry to every single Liverpool nightclub in the space of 90 minutes. This was not only his best display in an Orient shirt, but possibly the best display by anyone ever in an Orient shirt, or even the best display by any footballer in all of history. Which brings me to...

Taxi for... the match sponsors Anderson Travel. One can only imagine how many bottles of Theo's restaurant's famous paint stripper-flavoured wine they had drunk before deciding that Chris Dagnall's one beautiful goal and THREE ASSISTS did not merit their man of the match award. Sure, their recipient Romain Vincelot played well too, but his mantelpiece is already straining under the weight of the 48 awards he received from the Supporters' Club for his 48 appearances last season. Let's hope Anderson Travel don't apply the same logic for awarding man of the match to their coach trips. "Oh, you wanted Cornwall mate? We're taking you to Bradford instead. Same difference, hey?"

"Fuck the technical shit"... Mauro Milanese once again saved his job by not losing two games in a row, and this time he did it in style. Clearly he's trying to get his Orient team to play the ball along the floor, which is nice. He also seems to have figured out how to stop us conceding from set pieces, principally by getting Kevin Dearden to yell madly from the touchline to tell each player who they should be marking. And with in-form Simpson and Lowry both to come back, things are looking brighter at Brisbane Road.

Meanwhile on Twitter... ADAM LEGZDINS HAS BEEN ARRESTED! As this mug shot demonstrates, it seems our hipster keeper has been in trouble with the law. What could have been his crime? Speeding down Dalston High Street on his hipster unicycle? Forgetting to pay for his cold-pressed organic soy milk latte? Not having enough tattoos of swallows? No, actually, this is just a promo shot for Adam's hipster barber. At ease everyone.

GUEST POST! Crewe Alexandra 1 Leyton Orient 2, 18/1/14

I wouldn't have been at this match even if I was in the country, as I am banned from the tiny medieval village of Crewe due to an ancient family feud. Luckily Andy Brown - Orient blogger for WAGU and The Two Unfortunates - took one for the team and gives us his take on events...

Robbie Simpson

A game in which... New boy Chris Dagnall made the most stunning debut since a certain Wayne Montague Purser scored a hat-trick in 2003. After a frustrating 45 minutes of having to watch Robbie Simpson lumber about the field like a stoned elephant, Dags decided he was going to show everyone how it should be done, with two clinical strikes within seven blinding minutes that made us wonder if Carl Griffiths was back in town…

Despite not really getting going until the second half, and conceding a suspiciously offside looking goal, Orient matched Crewe for effort in a midfield scrap and it was again Moses Odubajo and Dean Cox who provided the spark. Cox's lofted a ball over the top which Dagnall controlled with one touch, beating programme poster boy Mark Ellis, before lashing across Ben Garratt.

Moment(s) of magic... Dagnall’s brace. His first taken with one touch and second a clinical thumping shot into the bottom corner. The new striker will be making Orient’s thousand other forwards look over their shoulders and while it’s very early to make predictions, his interplay with Cox, James, Lisbie and Odubajo made him look as though he’d been at the club for years. (Jonah alert!)

Moment of madness... Russell Slade’s unwavering faith in Robbie Simpson (in this case ahead of the four other strikers in the bench), which lead to discussions among the Os fans that he must be seeing something really amazing in training that we’re not - or he’s Russ’s lovechild. And that's not to say he doesn’t work hard, but it’s nice if a striker can set up and score goals…

Top gun... Dags was the clear winner, but Odubajo and Cox were also candidates. Captain Clarke had another solid game, denying Aneke with a great stop near the end to prevent a 2-2 draw. This Orient team is very hard to beat and is grinding out wins in tough places, even when not playing brilliantly.

Little donkey... Crewe centre-back Mark Ellis had a comfortable first half with Robbie Simpson, but was run ragged by the guile and clever play of Chris Dagnall throughout the second.

Russell Slade picks his team

In the dugout... Despite starting Simpson ahead of arguably better options on the bench, Russell Slade continues to show the Midas touch and make changes at the right times to win games. Bringing on Vincelot for Ness made Orient’s midfield more combative and solid, and introducing Dagnall won the game. Had he perhaps brought on Loza or Coulthirst, then Orient may have potentially had more goals, but a win is a win!

View from the opposition... Crewe boss Steve Davis was pretty graceless afterwards claiming that defensive mistakes cost his team in the defeat. He did, however, admit that Orient have real quality up front. Thanks Steve - that’s why we’ve scored more than anyone else, so can’t argue with that. Crewe fan Adam Gray was also very gracious, commenting “Congrats on the win, can see why you’ll probably go up.”

Graham Westley: Yeah, well, you too would  be
upset if you were dressed like that

Tweet of the week... Commenting on his debut for Orient, Chris Dagnall displayed typical flamboyancy: “Well that was an alright debut, massive performance from the lads #topoftheleague”. Next week Dags describes getting a hat-trick as “quite fun”. Meanwhile, Graham Westley is back making friends, allegedly telling his Stevenage player to “snap him” (according to Notts County fan Andrew), before Jack Grealish of Notts County was annihilated by this challenge. Way to go Graham. If you can’t beat them, end their careers, eh?

Leyton Orient 2 Crewe Alexandra 0, 24/8/13

Moses Odubajo scores for Orient

A game which… was played in such waterlogged conditions that Orient might have been better off bringing
their Speedos, snorkels and a pair of baby armbands for Dean Cox. Still, of the two teams Orient adapted much better resulting in a first half so one-sided it resembled a swimming race between Michael Phelps and a lump of concrete.

Yes, a two-goal lead was the least the home side deserved for some intoxicating attacking play from Cox, Odubajo, Lisbie and Mooney. Crewe – a decent side, make no mistake – came back hard in the second half but the Os bravely weathered the storm to record a fifth straight victory and leave them top of the League One table. Astonishing, really.

Moment of magic… If there’s anyone you want to see grabbing the ball when Orient are awarded a penalty, it’s not David Mooney. Still, it’s a measure of the Irishman’s confidence this season that – after Kevin Lisbie stroked wide from the spot just minutes earlier – he stepped up to the plate and slotted home from 12 yards.

Moment of madness… A solitary moment of dawdling by Scott Cuthbert (who was otherwise immense) in the second half that led to two Crewe players – don’t know which, so let’s call them both Dean Ashton – bearing down on goal. Not sure what was going through the Scot’s mind, but I’ll take a stab at: “Deep-fried Mars Bars and Braveheart on DVD tonight if we get through this one, lads.”

Top Gun… Helpfully Orient PA Philip Othen announces the man of the match towards the end of each game these days, saving me the trouble of trying to figure it out for myself. Today it was awarded to Moses Odubajo, which seems fair enough for a first half in which he repeatedly penetrated the Crewe defence like a German U-Boat attacking a flotilla of rubber ducks. I’d have given it to Jamie Jones though.

Little donkey… No bad performances from anyone in an Orient shirt. Indeed, the team was on fire today – or at least it would have been if it wasn't under three feet of water.

The management… “I’m getting a real buzz off the clean sheets,” said Russell Slade after the game, suggesting that the midweek nights alone in his Brisbane Road flat are pretty exciting on laundry day. But let’s take our hats off to a manager who pretty much everyone wanted sacked this time last year – Russell, we salute you.

View from the opposition… “Dominated Leyton Orient second half,” writes irate Crewe fan Tom Royle with predictable bias. “Wonder how much Russell Slade was paying the ref #fuming”

Tweet of the week... Only one candidate here: this photo by Os fan Adam Sampson from Stevenage last week, proving that there is food on offer at football grounds actually worse than the Labrador Pies and Scottish Border Collie Burgers available at Brisbane Road. Adam's tweet went viral - a similar reaction to that you'd expect from actually eating the cheesy chips - and made it into the national press. Stevenage FC denied the concoction was on sale at all in a dubious tweet full of dire cheese-based puns - demonstrating that when it comes to customer service, they don't give Edam. Sorry.

Orient by numbers… Four league wins out of four equals Orient’s best ever start to the season in 1910/11. “Nearly 430,000 people turned up to our fifth game,” recalled groundsman Billy Smith. “It would have been more, but it clashed with a particularly funny episode of the radio comedy ‘Vicar, Where’s Me Trousers?’”