20 August 2011

Brentford 5 Leyton Orient 0, 20/8/11

A game which... demonstrated that even when they've hit rock bottom, Orient have an incredible capacity to find even deeper levels of abomination. Where to even begin? The defence: sliced open so many times it was as if they were auditioning for bit parts in a remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The midfield: so anonymous they could almost have secured a spot on Celebrity Big Brother. The attack: all the penetration of a eunuch-porn flick. Need I go on?

Moment of class... Dean Cox's ambitious first-half lob from the edge of the penalty area that beat Brentford keeper Richard Lee but bounced back off the crossbar. Just think what would have happened if that had gone in. Yes, that's right, we would have lost 5-1.

Moment of madness... Lee Butcher's second-half decision to place Dean Cox in his defensive wall for a free-kick, the equivalent of a bricklayer thinking to himself, 'Fuck this cement shit, I'm going to use ice cream instead.' Naturally Brentford's Sam Saunders simply booted the ball knee-high over Tiny's head and straight into the net.

Knight in shining armour... Selecting an Orient man of the match from today's game is like trying to choose which of Katie Price's novels should win the Pulitzer Prize. But, while I should point out that Dean Cox isn't in the best form himself, he's still standing head and shoulders above the rest of the team. Not literally, obviously.

Pantomime horse... No shortage of candidates for this one, but let's focus on Lee Butcher, whose inexperience is somewhat reminiscent of a 16-year-old virgin clumsily trying to have sex with the babysitter. In a couple of years he'll know what to do, but for the moment he's got no authority around the box.

In the dug out... 'I was disappointed,' said Russell Slade after the game, which in understatement terms is a bit like greeting the news that a huge asteroid is about to destroy our entire planet with the words, 'Oh, that's annoying.' To be fair to the manager, after three straight defeats he did at least try to rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic a bit, but clearly there's a deep malaise in the team and it's something he's going to have to sort out pretty sharpish if he doesn't want the club to sink into relegation.

A word on the visitors... Full marks to Brentford, who managed to steal candy from a baby, shoot fish in a barrel and take acorns from a blind pig all in the space of 90 minutes. The Bees could well have easier matches this season, but only if they decide to play a charity game against the under-11 side from the local girls school.

Meanwhile, on Twitter... Something of a chicken-and-egg spat yesterday when one-time Brisbane Road misser of point-blank scoring opportunities Gary Alexander - @gazalex29 - tried to defend his decision to cup his ears at Orient fans after netting for Brentford last season. 'i was being abused then scored thats when i put my hand to my ear' he claimed, adding, 'i got a letter from a fan saying he was disgusted about the abouse'. Too right, 'abouse' does sound disgusting Gary. Whatever it is.

Lesson for the day: Don't despair simply because Orient are almost certain to be relegated. There may be hope: Why Five-Goal Defeats Are Good For Orient
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