Leyton Orient 1 Bury 0, 15/10/11

A game in which... Orient had so many chances to score it was almost as if Gary Barlow had wandered into Faces Nightclub, Gants Hill, on Ladies-4-Free night. Yes, after a pretty tepid first half the Os had the X Factor in the second, creating plenty up front and remaining solid at the back. On such simple foundations games are won, and although the Os should have converted at least another goal or two, three wins in three suggests that the diabolical start to the season is now becoming as distant a memory as Kate Thornton's career.

Moment of magic... The first half moment when Dean Cox managed to chest a 40-yard pass from Matthew Spring around a Bury defender to play himself in for a run at goal. Although he had a relatively quiet game by his own high standards, the pint-sized midfielder is still the Leona Lewis in a team of otherwise forgotten X Factor winners.

Moment of madness... The second half moment when Kevin Lisbie - in the penalty area with clear sight of goal - dawdled for so long on the ball that Bury's Efe Sodje had enough time to run a few personal errands before calmly dispossessing the Orient striker. Don't get me wrong, Lisbie put in a hard-working shift, but in front of goal today he was about as deadly as a Dannii Minogue put down.

Knight in shining armour... It was a good team performance, with much-improved displays from Leon McSweeney and David Mooney, plus a faultless shift from Terrell Forbes. But at the heart of it was that man Stephen Dawson again, who ran himself into ground to such a degree that they're going to need to call in a bulldozer to dig him out again.

Pantomime horse... No one had a particularly bad game, although Scott Cuthbert did nearly hari-kari the ball off his shin and into his own net at the death. And while Lee Butcher kept a clean sheet and made some tidy saves, he still looks as panicked as a talent show contestant who's forgotten his lyrics whenever crosses are floating in.

In the dug out... It looks like Big Russ has got his mojo back after spending the first couple of months of the season sulking about not being allowed the chance to get Barnsley relegated. His 4-2-3-1 formation - otherwise known as 'Give it to Coxy and hope for the best' - seems to be paying dividends, and with Jimmy Smith soon to come back to take the anonymous midfielder role from Tom Clarke things are looking up.

A word on the opposition... 'You can't cure ugliness' shouted a West Stand wag as Bury's Mark Hughes ran to the touchline to receive treatment. But Bury weren't an unattractive side and could certainly consider themselves unlucky not to have snatched a point when they hit the woodwork in the final minutes.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Busy week for the injured Jimmy Smith. In between waking up and going to bed he also had to get a new phone. And since there's only so much cognitive activity one footballing brain can cope with, something had to give - and in this case it was his Twitter password: 'New twitter New phone 4got me other password lol oh #LEGOOOOO' he wrote on his new account. In future then, for gripping real-time news of haircuts and training, then @Sm1thy_JD is your man.

Lesson of the day... Last week's Lisbie aberration aside, there is clearly some as yet unnamed law of physics that dictates that Orient players will never, ever score when in a one-on-one situation with the goalkeeper. Three chances went begging today (Dawson twice and Lisbie once) which suggests that in future the Os might considering preserving energy by simply booting the ball back into their own half of the field. Cut out the middle man.

Leyton Orient 2 Preston North End 1, 1/10/11

A game in which... you'd probably have got better odds on Amy Childs winning the Nobel Prize for Literature than the eventual result. But, yes, ladies and gentlemen, Leyton Orient have finally won a game of football. And fully deserved it too, for while at times they rode their luck like a rodeo champion on a fairground bucking bronco, over the 90 minutes the Os were the better team.

Admittedly the last 15 minutes were as nerve-wracking as the words "Today's flight is under the command of captain Stevie Wonder", but never in the history of modern culture have 4000 people actually been pleased to hear the soft-rocking jangle of Status Quo's Rockin' All Over The World.

Moment of magic... Lee Butcher, remember, has failed to save any of his last 14 penalties. Preston's Graham Alexander is one of the most reliable spot kickers in the whole of football. So when the two stared each other down from 12 yards at the start of the second half, it was like watching Mad Frankie Fraser square up to Brian Dowling. Incredibly, though, Butcher defied the odds, pulled off a remarkable save and gave Orient the confidence that things just might go their way.

Moment of madness... Preston's first goal, in which a hole opened up in Orient's defence so big that even Simon Cowell's ego couldn't have plugged it up. At that point it looked like it was game over, but massive credit to the players for pulling themselves out of the mire.

Knight in shining armour... Coxy got the goals, but it was Stephen Dawson that drove Orient to victory, with a performance so gritty it could have melted snow-covered roads across the whole of Essex. If the team are going to avoid relegation we're going to need our captain to put in plenty more shifts like this.

Pantomime horse... Yes, Leon McSweeney was playing out of position, but surely that doesn't excuse a repeated inability to control or pass the ball? In one particularly bizarre moment the former Hartlepool man elected to prevent a ball going out for a throw-on 40 yards up the pitch by booting it out for a corner.

In the dug out... Today Russ was more fired up than he's been all season and was twice seen passionately issuing complex instructions - "Watch the ball!" "Try not to let any goals in!" - from the touchline. But you have to hand it to him for his bold tactical genius in lulling Preston into a false sense of security by failing to win the previous 10 games then hitting them with a sucker punch.

A word on the opposition... After the first 30 minutes, in which they waltzed around Orient as if they were auditioning for the new series of Strictly Come Dancing, Preston suddenly seemed to suffer collective sunstroke - possibly under the glare of Phil Brown's tan. A classy side no doubt - the young Jamie Proctor looked impressive - but today wasn't their day.

Meanwhile on Twitter... While the followers of Jimmy Smith were no doubt on tenterhooks awaiting his comments on the recent hot weather - "Lovely HOT day, time 4 Trim + Food + watch TV" he eventually tweeted, much to everyone's relief - the young George Porter was less impressed with the temperature. "If I see 1 more girl in leggings I'm gunna start kicking off ! Look at the weather females," he wrote, while presumably cruising the streets of Essex in his Ford Focus.

Lesson for the day... If all else fails lob the ball up into the six-yard box for your 4ft 9in midfielder to head in. If improbable goals are the way forward, then, next week Orient should try lining up Charlie Daniels to shoot with his right foot - that or bring back Loick Pires.

Leyton Orient 1 Bournemouth 3, 13/9/11

A game which... was something akin to watching a boxing match between Vladimir Klitschko and Justin Bieber, in which Bieber is forced to fight with one arm tied behind his back. Yep, Orient hardly need handicaps at the moment and given that we can't win with 11 players, we're not going to get three points with just 10. The focus of some of the post-match attention will be on the dubious penalty and sending off, but let's first at least credit the Orient players with a bit of spirit for vaguely attempting a fight back, while acknowledging that even with 11 on the pitch they mostly looked as threatening as a feather duster-wielding toddler.

Moment of class... Just the one really, Orient's goal, which was both initiated and finished by Dean Cox. The pocket-sized winger is still the Nicole Scherzinger in a team of underperforming Pussycat Dolls, but it would help if his colleagues occasionally backed him up with a bit of harmony.

Moment of madness... Russell Slade's rather defeatist decision to take off a striker when Orient went down to ten men with the score at 1-1. He might as well have thrown in a towel than send on Elliot Omozusi - probably about as effective.

Knight in shining armour... George Porter looks to have a bit of spark - start him next game, he can't exactly do any worse - but expecting him alone to get Orient out of trouble is a bit like asking a Boy Scout to single-handedly eradicate Third World debt simply because he'd once raised £150 on a sponsored walk.

Pantomime horse... David Mooney is just one letter of the alphabet away from being a Rooney, although on the evidence of tonight's totally ineffective performance he has more in common with Coleen than Wayne.

In the dug out... No call for Slade's head from the stands just yet, but the manager cut a disconsolate figure in the technical area and it can't be long (a loss to Oldham on Saturday?) before Hearn's seen enough.

A word on the opponents... Although in a similarly low league position, Bournemouth showed Orient that it is actually possible to move the ball around the pitch with some sort of purpose. Marc Pugh and Wesley Thomas were a particular handful, but the whole team showed commitment - particularly when racing up to surround the referee after Scott Cuthbert's late but not red card-worthy challenge.

Meanwhile, on Twitter... If you follow Jimmy Smith on Twitter you'll know that the midfielder's days generally consist of nothing more than "Training - bath - bedtime". Today, however, Jimmy showed that sometimes he mixes things up a bit with "Training - take photo of Coxy having haircut - bath - bedtime." Tiny's standing up in that picture, by the way.

Lesson for the day... We've tried to win with 11 players - that didn't work. We've tried to win with 10 players - that didn't work either. Next week let's try nine - either that or play both Marc Laird and Leon McSweeney in midfield, which is much the same thing.

And from the darker reaches of Freeview HD...

Johnstone's Paint Trophy: Leyton Orient 1 Dagenham & Redbridge 1 (13-14 pens), 7/9/11

A game which... proved beyond doubt that there is a seventh circle of Hell in which the worst and most persistent sinners are forced to watch Orient play Dagenham and Redbridge in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy for all eternity. Putting aside the amusing quirk of the 14-13 penalty shoot out for the moment, this was once again a performance with all the cutting edge of a lump of tofu, not to mention one containing glaring lapses in defence and kamikaze goalkeeping. Apart from that, all good.

Moment of class... Lee Butcher's penalty, in which the stopper's confidence while taking a spot kick was diametrically opposed to his poise when he's actually between the sticks. Perhaps Slade could play him up front against Colchester, because the whole 'goalkeeping' thing isn't really working out for him.

Moment of madness... The shoot out, of course, in which 27 penalties in a row were scored before Ben Chorley's effort was saved. If there's any crumb of comfort in this godforsaken season, it's that we're not too bad at spot kicks. Could come in handy if we make the League Two play-off final next season.

Knight in shining armour... George Porter added a vague sense of urgency when he came on and did well down the right to set up Mooney's goal. No doubt he was fired up as a result of Russell Slade's rousing post-Chesterfield pep talk on the team coach.

Pantomime horse... Every Orient player was pretty much as bad as the next, though let's pick on Marc Laird for no other reason than he appears to be to the Orient midfield what Jason Orange is to Take That - you know there's probably some reason why he needs to be there, but you can't for the life of you think what it might be.

In the dug out... "Now we need five new players!" shouted a West Stand wag as Jonathan Tehoue went down injured in the second half. In reply, Russ resignedly nodded his head in agreement. I admire his honesty, but we really don't need five new players. We need eleven.

A word on the opponents... Plenty of Daggers fans came to enjoy the annual tradition of beating Orient in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy and their team did them proud with a tidy and effective performance. For home supporters, meanwhile, the experience was something akin to being tied to a chair while your irritating little brother repeatedly flicks your ear for hours on end.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Never let it be said that Jimmy Smith is not a thinker. Admittedly tweets such as "Food - bath - watch England - bed!!" demonstrate only the most limited cognitive ability, but before tonight's match the midfielder uploaded the philosophical humdinger you see on the left. Translation: Orient's midfield - like branches of a tree we all go in different directions, but we remain rooted to the bottom of the table.

Lesson for the day... Well, Orient did field a severely weakened team in a tournament that's obviously a low priority for the club. The only problem is that the severely weakened team is also our first choice XI. Yikes.

And from the darker reaches of Freeview HD...

Exclusive Interview: Julian Lloyd Webber on Orient

Celebrities often like to associate themselves with a football club for the perceived glamour. Clearly that's never going to be the case with Leyton Orient, which means that as a supporter, internationally renowned cellist Julian Lloyd Webber is the real deal.

Hailed as one of the most gifted musicians of his generation, Julian, 60, has long been a passionate supporter of the club and can regularly be seen at Brisbane Road or performing concerts in an Os shirt. He even named his daughter Orienta for Christ's sake!

Here Julian talks about how it all started, the reason his brother Andrew won't buy the club and why Martin Ling pissed him off...

First up, Julian, the question we all ask ourselves: Why Orient?
It goes back many years. I was born and lived in Kensington, but my mother had a friend in Leyton who she used to visit on Saturday afternoons. And at a young age, she’d take me with her. But I got bored with the adult company and at the age of 11 I took myself off to Brisbane Road.

On your own?
Yes. I just wandered down the road to see what all that fuss was about round the corner. The first game I saw was in 1962, we lost 4-2 at home to Sheffield Wednesday in the old First Division.

What captured your imagination about Orient?
It was the first football match I’d ever been to, so that was something. The scoreline didn’t mean a lot to me, but I liked the whole atmosphere. I went again many times that season and I saw some amazing things, like the 2-1 win over Liverpool. Sid Bishop - he never scored any goals in his life, but he scored that day.

Where did you sit in those days?
On the wall in front of the East Stand. You could get hit in the face by the ball and throw it back. I used to drag all my friends out to Orient, we all used to get on the Tube. All of them supported Chelsea but I was never really into that.

Which player stood out for you during that season in the First Division?
My hero of that time was Dave Dunmore. Looking back he was a bit of a lazy player, but he had fantastic skill. He could have done whatever he wanted in football. He was a powerful centre forward, he could head goals, he could score from way out. And don’t forget, he had to follow Tommy Johnston, the biggest Orient legend of all time. Not many people could have done that.

After that first season, how often did you get down to Brisbane Road?
I used to go all the time. I became a real passionate Orient supporter. Those were the days I was probably going the most.

So you can’t get to games as often these days?
I try to go when I can but I don’t go as much as I used to. I often have concerts on Saturday which is a problem.

How many games a season, on average?
It could slightly depend on how we’re doing! For example, I couldn’t go to the Arsenal match last season as I was on tour in Ireland. I watched the game in an awful pub in Limerick as it was the only place showing ESPN. There were a few Arsenal supporters in there, but when we scored I just had to jump up. That was absolutely brilliant, I would have done anything to have been at Brisbane Road that day.

What are you like as a fan?
I can be very, very vocal. Hysterically vocal.

Where do you sit these days?
In the gallery.

Do people recognise you?
Usually, yes. I like to go to the Supporters’ Bar too. Why not?

Who do you go with?
I used to go a lot with my son David until quite recently. He’s at university, so he doesn’t go so much now. So I go with my wife Jia Xen.

Is she an Orient fan?
Does she have a choice?

I understand you took her to Brisbane Road when you were first dating?
Well I did take her to a game. I know that we lost. But it was ok, she quite likes her football.

And, of course, you recently named your daughter Jasmine Orienta…
Well she is part oriental, so it’s the two things combined. It’s better than being called Arsenalla isn‘t it? That sounds like you’ve got some bacteria up your bum.

Is it true that your brother Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote your 1978 album Variations after losing a bet on an Orient game?
Yes. He’d always said he wanted to write me a cello piece, but it wasn’t happening. At the end of the 1976/77 season we needed a draw in our last game against Hull City to avoid relegation. Andrew thought we couldn’t get it, so I said, I bet you we at least get a draw if not a win. So he said fine, if that happens I’ll write you a piece. And we got the draw.

How much of a fan is Andrew?
He used to go to Orient a lot with me and he still makes the odd game. The last game we saw together was away at Southampton last season.

Any chance he might buy the club?
People keep asking this. Andrew and I have had discussions about it. He always tells the story of a time just after he’d done Jesus Christ Superstar, when Bernie Delfont [theatre impresario and Leyton Orient director from 1961-67] put his arm around him and said, "Let me tell you something, my boy. Never waste your money on a football club." And he’s never forgotten that. Andrew’s got a soft spot for Leyton Orient, no question about that. But he’s a theatre man. He’s never going to buy a football club because he’d rather buy a theatre. That’s the way he is.

Are you not tempted to buy Orient yourself?
First of all, can I say I could not possibly afford to do that. People think I could, but I couldn‘t. I’m a classical musician and a lot of money needs to be put into a football club. Unless you're right at the very top of the tree, it’s a losers' game. I don’t have the cash to put into it. If I did I probably would be silly enough to do that. Because I do love the club and it has been a massive part of my life. I would hate to see anything terrible happen to it.

What are your greatest Orient memories?
My greatest Orient memory of all was the FA Cup semi-final against Chelsea in 1978. I was standing on the terrace with the Chelsea supporters with a mate from school. I could hear idiotic comments like, "Losing at home to Orient, how bad can it get?" And when Peter Kitchen got the second I jumped in the air - and then pretended it never happened. It could be a bit tasty on the terraces in those days - I got out of there pretty quick after that.

And, aside from Dave Dunmore, who have been your favourite players over the years?
I like players who I feel are real Orient people. They really play for that team, and it’s their team. I like Jabo Ibehre. We wouldn’t mind having him up there now. Some sort of mobility maybe. I also liked the much-maligned Tommy Taylor, who everyone hates apparently. But as a player he was very good, whatever shortcomings he may have had as a manager. I felt he really loved the club.

And which players have stood out as the most talented?
One of the best players I ever saw - before he broke his leg - was John Chiedozie. Everyone goes on about Laurie Cunningham, and he was good, but Chiedozie before he broke his leg was amazing. He was never quite the same after that. Lost his pace.

Who do you think has been the best Orient manager over the years?
The best Orient manager I ever knew was Jimmy Bloomfield. He got some flair into the team on a very small budget. And that was a brilliant team, a really nice team to watch. A mix of experience and a bit of flair and also some really talented players like Dennis Rofe and Tommy Taylor, with Mark Lazarus on the right and Peter Brabrook on the left. He stormed that Third Division and then he got us to the semis of the cup.

And what’s been your low point as an Orient supporter?
I was at the ‘pass the bucket’ meeting in 1966, when the club nearly folded. That’s the sort of thing you never forget - the club was going to be wound up. I suppose you look at now and think at least the club is solvent.

Do you worry that the Olympic Stadium could put Orient in similar jeopardy?
Yes, I think it’s wrong to just plonk the stadium there and not give a shit about whatever club is nearby. I feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. The best thing that Barry Hearn could do at the moment is to make sure that we’re in the same division as West Ham when that situation occurs, because I can’t see how they can give the stadium to a team in the same division and knock Orient out of business. That seems to make sense to me - instead of spending £1million on solicitors’ bills spend it on getting us into the same division. But he may not see it that way. I’m a football supporter, he’s a businessman.

What are your feelings about Barry Hearn?
Barry could have made himself the hero of east London by taking Orient further than he has. I have mixed feelings about it all. He’s done alright with all the flats and everything, but he’s the one putting the money down. He’s kept the club alive, and we should be grateful for that. Other people haven’t done that. But where’s it going to go now?

Where do you think it’s going to go?
Barry’s created is a club that’s solvent - at the moment - but no one wants to buy it because it has no ground capacity. So if we go up to the Championship, we’d be turning people away for many games.

But when we were top of League One in the 2007/08 season, attendances didn’t really go up…
I’ve heard this story before and, I’m sorry, I completely disagree with this analysis. London is the biggest catchment area of the lot and if you start getting results you’re going to get the crowds. I’ve always believed that. But the trouble is we’ve never done it with any consistency. Martin Ling really pissed me off when we were top of the league, because he was in the gallery saying, "Don’t get carried away. We may be top of the league, but we are little Leyton Orient." What message is that giving to the players? And the supporters? At that point we really had a chance to go up and we didn’t take it. We never sustained it. Why didn’t people come? Because they thought, well, we’re top now but we won’t be next week.

So do you think Orient could be a big club again?
We can be a Championship club. But there’d have to be a lot of changes for it to go further than that, anyone could see that. But you know, other clubs have done it. What the hell are Wigan doing in the Premier League? I’ve seen Brisbane Road with 34,000 people in there. I’ve said to Barry that I see Orient as a big club. In my childish vision Orient is a big club. Barry said to me, ‘Get real mate’, which is probably true. But I’m a romantic.

You don’t traditionally associate classical music and football - are you able to talk to any of your peers about football?
Most classical musicians I know are massive football supporters. From Nigel Kennedy onwards. I recently did a concert in Cork and a lady in the audience had an Orient shirt on. I often get questioned about Orient.

And you do seem remarkably adept at getting mentions of Orient into interviews…
Yes! Or it could be that people keep asking me about it.

Did you ever play football yourself?
I used to like it but I was always a bit worried about my hands. It’s one of the namby pamby things classical musicians have to think about.

As a music man, what’s your feeling about Orient's theme tune, Tijuana Taxi?
I love it. I think it’s genius. First of all I quite like all that Herp Albert bossa nova stuff, but also because any team that runs out there will think they’re playing a bunch of maniacs. I love it. It’s great.

And if you could replace it?
Don’t tempt me! No, I think it’s brilliant, it should not be replaced. It’s the Os theme tune and that’s it.

Which one piece of classical music do you think sums up Orient?
It’s got to be some picture of hope. Some rousing Russian piece - Tchaikovsky or something. Something more bombastic. But I’m happy with Tijanua Taxi.

And finally, if you had to give up either the cello or Leyton Orient, which would you choose?
Oh come on! Ok, you can give up the cello, how can you give up your football team? There’s your answer. You can never give up your football team.

Carling Cup: Leyton Orient 3 Bristol Rovers 2, 30/8/11

A game in which... Orient would have sold their own grandmothers in exchange for a win, so don't be surprised if you see 11 elderly ladies with price tags round their necks in the window of the Leyton High Road pawn shop tomorrow morning. When Stephen Dawson scored in added time the players celebrated with such unbridled passion, excitement and relief it was almost as if they'd just been told that Jedward were emigrating to New Zealand forever. And though if you look at the fine detail of the performance you'd discover that, well, there wasn't much fine detail, the important thing is that Orient finally have a platform upon which to start building a season.

Moment of class... Jonathan Tehoue's little bit of touchline trickery - reminiscent of his sneaky shuffle past the Arsenal defence in last season's FA Cup tie - that led to the winning goal. The Beast is so adept at getting Orient out of tight spots he could easily find alternative employment as a can of WD-40.

Moment of madness... Less a moment of madness, more the entire second half. Yes, Orient seemed to be under the impression they were taking part in a Scott McGleish testimonial, such was their willingness to present Bristol Rovers with scoring opportunities.

Knight in shining armour... Stephen Dawson put in a typically energetic midfield performance and should be applauded for electing to shoot in the penalty area to score the winning goal, rather than opting for his usual ruse of poleaxing himself to the ground as if felled by an invisible lumberjack.

Pantomime horse... Leon McSweeney, whose performance in midfield showed all the composure of a teenage boy trying to negotiate the wine list at Pizza Express. The ex-Hartlepool man repeatedly gave the ball directly to the opposition before being moved to right-back, whereupon he was replaced by Elliot Omozusi - the ultimate indignity.

In the dug out... Fair play to Russ, he's trying to address the problems and started tonight's game with a new formation, the midfield diamond. Nice idea, but unfortunately Orient's version rather more resembled a midfield lump of coal.

A word on the opposition... No goal for Scott McGleish, despite Orient's best efforts to gift him one, though the veteran striker did combine well with the impressive Chris Zebroski for Bristol Rovers' first. Still, the Pirates can consider themselves unlucky to come away with nothing after a sprightly second half.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Big news on Twitter this week: Jimmy Smith threatened to leave, but pulled back from the brink and is still relaying essential information such as when he's having a bath, what time he's going to bed and the like. His continued presence will be, of course, a huge relief to Barcelona and Spain star Andres Iniesta, who has become totally reliant on Jimmy's advice such as this: "iniesta relax next time when ya 1on 1 with keeper".

Lesson for the day... At last Orient have found a way to win! Admittedly this only seems to work against League Two teams, but don't despair - at least we'll be in with a fighting chance next season.

Brentford 5 Leyton Orient 0, 20/8/11

A game which... demonstrated that even when they've hit rock bottom, Orient have an incredible capacity to find even deeper levels of abomination. Where to even begin? The defence: sliced open so many times it was as if they were auditioning for bit parts in a remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The midfield: so anonymous they could almost have secured a spot on Celebrity Big Brother. The attack: all the penetration of a eunuch-porn flick. Need I go on?

Moment of class... Dean Cox's ambitious first-half lob from the edge of the penalty area that beat Brentford keeper Richard Lee but bounced back off the crossbar. Just think what would have happened if that had gone in. Yes, that's right, we would have lost 5-1.

Moment of madness... Lee Butcher's second-half decision to place Dean Cox in his defensive wall for a free-kick, the equivalent of a bricklayer thinking to himself, 'Fuck this cement shit, I'm going to use ice cream instead.' Naturally Brentford's Sam Saunders simply booted the ball knee-high over Tiny's head and straight into the net.

Knight in shining armour... Selecting an Orient man of the match from today's game is like trying to choose which of Katie Price's novels should win the Pulitzer Prize. But, while I should point out that Dean Cox isn't in the best form himself, he's still standing head and shoulders above the rest of the team. Not literally, obviously.

Pantomime horse... No shortage of candidates for this one, but let's focus on Lee Butcher, whose inexperience is somewhat reminiscent of a 16-year-old virgin clumsily trying to have sex with the babysitter. In a couple of years he'll know what to do, but for the moment he's got no authority around the box.

In the dug out... 'I was disappointed,' said Russell Slade after the game, which in understatement terms is a bit like greeting the news that a huge asteroid is about to destroy our entire planet with the words, 'Oh, that's annoying.' To be fair to the manager, after three straight defeats he did at least try to rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic a bit, but clearly there's a deep malaise in the team and it's something he's going to have to sort out pretty sharpish if he doesn't want the club to sink into relegation.

A word on the visitors... Full marks to Brentford, who managed to steal candy from a baby, shoot fish in a barrel and take acorns from a blind pig all in the space of 90 minutes. The Bees could well have easier matches this season, but only if they decide to play a charity game against the under-11 side from the local girls school.

Meanwhile, on Twitter... Something of a chicken-and-egg spat yesterday when one-time Brisbane Road misser of point-blank scoring opportunities Gary Alexander - @gazalex29 - tried to defend his decision to cup his ears at Orient fans after netting for Brentford last season. 'i was being abused then scored thats when i put my hand to my ear' he claimed, adding, 'i got a letter from a fan saying he was disgusted about the abouse'. Too right, 'abouse' does sound disgusting Gary. Whatever it is.

Lesson for the day: Don't despair simply because Orient are almost certain to be relegated. There may be hope: Why Five-Goal Defeats Are Good For Orient