17 November 2011

The 10 worst Leyton Orient haircuts

It's not only on the pitch that Leyton Orient have had some shockers over the years, as this lot demonstrate... 

10. Ralph Coates

Who? Stocky ex-England international winger who helped Orient maintain mid-table security in the heady days of Division Two from 1978-81, despite being in his late 60s.
The look he's working: With his wild combover, Coates resembled an ostensibly meek ledger clerk who one day surprises everyone by embarking upon an unprovoked office killing spree.

9. Sean Thornton

Who? Enigmatic midfielder whose three seasons at Brisbane Road from 2007 to 2010 coincided with a massive upturn in the profits of east London's drinking establishments.
The look he's working: A look that suggests that a small, untalented child has painted Sean's head red using his great auntie Maureen's industrial-sized tub of cheek blusher.

8. Barry Silkman

Who? Stylish midfielder whose slick moves helped Orient plummet from Division Two to Four over his four seasons at the club from 1981 to 1984.
The look he's working: Less a haircut, more a result of standing still in midfield waiting for an Orient player to pass the ball to him while a family of Leyton vultures hastily assemble a wild nest on top of his head.

7. Derrick Downing

Who? Impressive winger-cum-left back who played in George Petchey's classy Division Two side from 1972-75.
The look he's working: Derrick's valiant attempt to distract attention from his thinning top with the mother of all sideburns left him resembling an intense air traffic controller who was always just seconds away from deliberately bringing every plane crashing into the ground.

6. Chris Tate

Who? Orient cult hero whose performances over his four seasons at Brisbane Road from 2000 to 2004 veered from the sublime to the ridiculous. Mostly the ridiculous though.
The look he's working: Admittedly, when you're frizzy and ginger you're already on a hiding to nothing, but by tousling his hair skywards Tate has somehow attained the appearance of an incompetent cruise ship cocktail waiter dressed up as a Thundercat.

5. Lee Harvey

Who? Winger with silky - well, maybe polyester - skills who played for 10 seasons between 1983 and 1993 and scored in the play-off semi-final of 1989.
The look he's working: Ok, it was the 80s, but is that an excuse for this blo-waved homage to Lady Diana (as she was then) by way of cocky Romford estate agent? No, it isn't.

4. Phil Hoadley

Who? Rock at the centre of Orient's 1970s defence for seven seasons in Division Two.
The look he's working: Phil's carefully-coiffured helmet gives him the look of an apparently cheery Women's Institute committee member who'd happily stab a judge in the eye with a knitting needle if she didn't win the annual jam-making contest.

3. Chris Jones

Who? Striker from the dark Division Four days of the mid-80s, making 122 appearances from 1984-87, scoring 22 goals.
The look he's working: There are plenty of ways for a young footballer to disguise a receding hairline, but this isn't one of them. Jones's balding mullet left him reminiscent of an earnest British Rail ticket collector with a passing interest in dogging.

2. Gary Bellamy

Who? Defensive mainstay from 1992 to 1996, a period when Orient were to football what Chumbawumba were to the emerging Britpop movement.
The look he's working: Gary wore his child-scaring mullet/tache combo loud and proud, giving him the air of a low-level pickpocket-cum-irritable woodwork teacher.

1. Peter Mountford

Who? Try-hard midfielder who found time in between his personal grooming regime to make 27 appearances between 1984 and 1987.
The look he's working: This isn't a haircut, it's a mane - a children's TV presenter by way of Norwegian exchange student monstrosity that appears to house a small family of wood mice.
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