A game in which...It was proved scientifically, philosophically and legally that Orient are still just a bit shit. Not chronic-dysentry-call-999-NOW! shit as we were under Ian Hendon. More like the type of shit that clings defiantly to the toilet bowl despite repeated flushes. Will.i.am, were it in human form.
Now, credit to Kevin Nolan for mostly shoring up the defence – Luton only had the one big chance really – but he still has a big job to do to eke out some sort of guile, some creativity, some surprise from this largely uninspiring squad.
Jump off your seat moment... Is it Neymar? Is it Ronaldo? Is it the final of the World Dressage Championships? No, it's Jerome Binnom-Williams doing step-overs in ultra slow-motion in an ill-fated attempt bamboozle the Luton defence. That said, the left-back actually looks half-decent at times and could well be the difference between Orient finishing 11th or 12th come the end of the season.
Give that man a medal... Scott Cuthbert. He had Ollie Palmer so deeply in his pocket that it's likely he'll not notice he's there again until he eventually sticks his kit in the washing machine and finds a bearded bloke in a red shirt clambering out of it then theatrically throwing himself to the ground claiming a head injury.
Taxi for... Sean Clohessy. I'm presuming that his selection at right midfield is based on the infinite monkey theorem which states that if you sit a primate in front of a typewriter for an infinite amount of time at some point it will inadvertently produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Similarly, were he given until the end of the universe, it is conceivable that Sean Clohessy might at some point put a decent ball into the box. Didn't happen today, mind, so instead the former Southend man offered a fan out a half-time. As you were.
Nolan-watch... Imagine this scenario: Kevin Nolan, on a day off and craving some peace and quiet, goes to an east London park with the intention of calmly completing a jigsaw puzzle. But when he begins the task, he finds that not only are most of the pieces either damaged or missing, but that there is also a group of drunk and obnoxious Italian tourists in the vicinity who keep coming over and smashing up the little progress he has made for the sheer hell of it. What I'm saying here is the manager is actually doing a pretty good job, all things considered.
Meanwhile on the opposition bench... We need to talk about Kevin. Firstly: Nugent, who was a loyal servant to Orient despite the fact he was demoted further and further down the hierarchy every time Sr Becchetti pulled the trigger on another manager, to the point where his final role profile at the club simply read "Hold a clipboard." Then of course there was also Kevin Dearden, who was a loyal servant to the club's restaurants and cafes. Given the current state of Orient, mind, I'm pretty sure where both of them would rather be sitting...
A game which... optimists might describe as a point gained, pessimists would consider two points lost while everyone else will just ponder all the five billion ways they could have better spent that 90 minutes. Oh, Orient. Sure, you huffed and puffed a bit in the first half, but the contrast between this season and last – when you roared back from 1-0 down to beat MK Dons and remain top of the table – is huge. Huge, Nuge, huge...
Karl Robinson
Jump off your seat moment... For Karl Robinson it was every single moment the ball entered the Orient box, whereupon he'd leap around maniacally screeching for a phantom penalty. By the second half Orient's Kevin Dearden became so incensed with this behaviour that he confronted the MK manager, a scene which resembled an ill-conceived comedy sketch in which James Corden is berated by a giant slug.
Give that man a medal... A sterling performance from Shane Lowry today, including one Exocet of a shot with his left foot that, had it not bounced off the MK keeper, would probably by now be hurtling past Kiev. And he's no chicken when it comes to tackling either. Sorry.
Darius Henderson
Taxi for... Darius Henderson. The big striker spent most of the game slugging it out with MK defender Kyle McFadzean like a punch-drunk ex-heavyweight persuaded back into the ring for one last shot at glory. Were Henderson starring in Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V or Rocky: Assignment Miami Beach this would have constituted a fine performance. As a striker in League One, not so much.
"Fuck the technical shit"... "I'm in charge of this football team," said Kevin Nugent defiantly after the game, ironically at the precise moment that his clandestine Italian paymasters were signing an unfit, low-scoring striker on his behalf. (Welcome to Orient, Gianvito Plasmati!) I can't even joke about this anymore: the fact that the club has not uttered a single word on Nugent's position is beyond belief, and it's a disgrace to treat a decent and loyal servant of Orient in this manner.
Meanwhile in the programme... Props to Orient's media and communications officer Jonny Davies this week. Since the Italians introduced omertà to the club, Jonny now has exactly 24 hours of each day spare, so devoted some time to creating this sly little dig at Franchise FC – a heartfelt two-page paean to former Wimbledon home Plough Lane. Jonny: we're with you in spirit.
A game in which... at the 35-minute mark Orient experienced a spiritual awakening, a collective
consciousness or a divine intervention. Call it what you will, but one way or the other the team suddenly realised that if they actually pass the ball to each other rather than lobbing it over the top for Chris Dagnall to scamper after like an amphetamine-induced laboratory rat, they're actually quite good.
Never mind that we ultimately lost the game to the division's best side, for there was enough in this committed performance to give hope that we actually could prevail in the play-offs. And, after the Crawley debacle, that is something to get very excited about.
Moment of magic... The ping-ponging goalmouth scramble in the second half that saw Orient create 37 chances to score in the space of three seconds, most of which were prevented by either the woodwork or the frankly superhuman efforts of Wolves goalkeeper Carl Ikeme. Luck will be a big factor in the play-offs, and thankfully Orient may well have used up their entire lifetime's quota of the bad variety in just this one passage of play.
Wolves' Richard Stearman
Moment of madness... The moment the referee and linesman elected not to penalise Wolves' Richard Stearman for a handball so blatant that he might as well have bounced the ball down the pitch basketball-style, done a couple of wraparounds and slam-dunked it into Jamie Jones's net.
Top gun... Dean Cox was in his element today - and by that I mean the game was being televised - and for a 15-minute period at the start of the second half he was utterly unplayable. And by that I mean he got some decent crosses in. I must confess, however, to being slightly bemused by the free role he appears to have been given of late when all the evidence (and by that I mean my totally subjective opinion) suggests he's more effective hugging the touchline and cutting in from the left.
Little donkey... Actually David Mooney played pretty well today, but he did miss two screaming sitters which, had he dispatched both, would have given an Orient striker 20 league goals in a season for the first time since the year 1426, when Mad Bartholomew Chudderley showed considerable skill in repeatedly scoring with the severed pig's head wrapped in muslin that at that time served as the ball.
In the dug out... Amazing scenes at the final whistle when Kevin Dearden elected to get off of his seat and waddle out to congratulate the Wolves players on their promotion. Unfortunately by the time Orient's Head of Nutritional Sustenance reached the centre circle the opposition's team coach was just approaching the outskirts of Birmingham. Still, he should make it in time to acknowledge Tranmere's efforts in avoiding the drop on Saturday.
View from the opposition... Decent lot the Wolves fans, who by and large have been pretty respectful about their one-season stay in League One, unlike some other supporters who shall remain nameless (Peterborough). For example: "Fair play to Orient today," wrote Harry Carr. "Gave us a real game. Good luck in the play-offs."
YouTube video of the week... Hardly an event goes by these days without someone making a Hitler parody video of it - there's even an Orient one mocking our disastrous start to 2011/12. This week Brentford fan Russell Hawes got in on the act and created this version that mocks Russell Slade and his badly-received post-match comment that the Bees "celebrated like they'd won the FA Cup" after their victory over Orient in March.
A game in which... David Mooney undid what was a perfectly respectable afternoon of FA Cup football by getting himself sent off in the 93rd minute - the most pointless and stupid thing he's done since he passed the ball to Michael Symes during a game early last season.
That aside, the virus-stricken Orient side should be pretty pleased with themselves for prevailing over Walsall. Lemsips all round.
Moment of magic... Shaun Batt's incredible dummy in the lead-up to Dean Cox's goal, in which he managed to convince the Walsall defence, his own team mates, the entire crowd and a worldwide TV audience of 38 that he'd just done a hugely embarrassing air kick at a simple chance.
Moment of madness... Oh Moons. Why? WHY? Now banned for three games for a petulant kick at Paul Downing, the Irish striker hasn't so much as shot himself in the foot, but blown off his whole leg with a thermo-nuclear warhead. Genuinely, his rush of blood to the head could be season-defining. Let's hope he at least puts his time off to good use by learning the offside rule, hey?
Top gun... With half the team sidelined by man flu, we got see a bit more of Yohann Lasimant, Johnny Gorman and Harry Lee, all of whom made decent accounts of themselves. On the bench we had Martin Ling's son Sam, who's 13, and a bloke that works behind the bar in the Coach & Horses who once had a trial at Hastings United in 1993. Best player on the pitch, though, was Mathieu Baudry, who in his spare time inexplicably sellotapes an iPhone to his head and re-enacts scenes from the 1979 video nasty Driller Killer, as this photograph demonstrates.
Little donkey... Actually no one played particularly badly and, indeed, the victory was based on a very disciplined performance in defence and midfield. Let's instead focus, then, on the final seven seconds of the match in which Walsall managed to miss 47 clear chances to score, prompting one Saddlers fan to tweet "Please can you have one of your strikers? Any one. We aren't fussy." Yeah, have David Mooney, he's free for the next three games.
In the dug out... Given that Russell Slade's matchday duties mostly involve standing up for 90 minutes and shouting "watch the ball!" at Moses Odubajo a couple of times, he must have been pretty ill to have missed the game - especially as he only lives 45 seconds away. Perhaps he just looked at his own team sheet and thought, fuck this. Bizarrely he could be spotted on the balcony of his flat celebrating Cox's goal - surely a first in football?
View from the opposition... Walsall can probably consider themselves a bit unlucky - not least for Craig Westcarr's free kick which left Jamie Jones frozen to the spot for a full 45 seconds while the ball pinballed between him and the posts. But they didn't seem to have quite the spark they had when they drew with us in September. "We'd still be trying to score if we were playing at midnight," tweeted fan Rob Rowley. Tweets of the week... Respect to loanee Robbie Simpson who, when he's not missing a last-minute sitter against Preston, appears to be something of a rap star, as shown in this video tweeted from the team's curry night earlier this week.
Even more impressive was fan David Plane's ode to Dean Cox, as tweeted by Paul Graves. But it was Rob Noble, Orient's marketing and partnerships manager, who caught the moment of the night on camera, however, and tweeted this: "Kev Dearden eating the mic. Obviously the curry wasn't enough."
A game in which... Russell Slade witnessed "the worst thing he's seen in football" - which is saying something given that he once endured Michael Symes's performance against Barnet in October 2012. And while one Swindon fan's attack on Jamie Jones grabbed the headlines, the real story is the fact that Orient made a team who had won six of their previous eight home games look like a Sunday pub side in which all 11 players had just returned from a stag do in Amsterdam.
No disrespect to Swindon, but it's a measure of just how formidable Orient are at the moment that they bounced back from defeat against Preston with a performance like this against one of the league's high-flyers.
Moment of magic... David Mooney's opening goal, a lob so sumptuous that they'll be serving it on the menu of Swindon's finest restaurants (two Harvesters and a Wimpy) for years to come.
Moment of madness... Only one candidate here: the moment a Swindon fan came swinging at Jamie Jones. To be honest, he picked the wrong player: as someone who has presumably been in the taxi queue at 2am in Liverpool city centre, Jones is more than accustomed to being attacked by a pissed up thug for no apparent reason.
Top gun... At times the interplay between Dean Cox, Kevin Lisbie and David Mooney was mesmerising, and between them they nearly scored about another 15 goals. Vincelot and Omozusi were also immense, and Jamie Jones - when he wasn't dodging punches - was flawless. But let's give man of the match to Moses Odubajo for his two goals and for being a constant menace to the Swindon defence.
Little donkey... No bad performances from anyone in an Orient shirt, so instead have this photo of Swindon's pitch invader, courtesy of @OrientSteve
In the dug out... Seeing Jamie Jones under attack sprung goalkeeping coach Kevin Dearden into action from the bench. He explained: "I sprinted towards Scouse to try to help him - but by the time the incident was over I'd only made it as far as the seat next to me. Next week I'm planning to stay awake for the entire game, just to be safe."
View from the opposition... "Thoroughly depressing day at the County Ground yesterday," wrote fan Steve Warren. "Idiot fan, cheating rewarded by shit ref and a joke of a defence again." If you say so.
Tweet of the week... This from fan Lee Kinsley. "Swindon announce their new mascot."
A game which... was the perfect advert for cup sponsor Johnstone's, in that the spectacle was exactly like watching some of their paint dry. Yes, it was lucky the tickets were
only £10 each because, in terms of value for money, that meant they were
only £10 overpriced.
So Orient aren't hitting the heights of earlier this season and for most of the match struggled to play the final pass or construct purposeful attacks. On the plus side the defence were superb and all four penalties perfectly executed. And still no one other than a Premier League side has managed to beat us this season. Don't panic!
Moment of magic... Jamie Jones's brilliant penalty save - the first he had to make all match - and clearly inspired by the pre-shoot out pep talk from goalkeeping coach Kevin Dearden. "Right, Scouse. Chicken Cottage on Leyton High Road are doing two-for-one buckets of spicy chicken wings until 10pm so for Christ's sake save a couple so we can get the fuck out of here."
David Mooney's touch is somewhere here
Moment of madness... The moment towards the end of the match when substitute David Mooney was put clean through by Lloyd James. It would have been a certain goal, save for the fact that the Irish striker's touch didn't merely desert him, it booked a one-way flight to Australia and left without so much as a goodbye.
Top gun... Another towering performance by Nathan Clarke tonight, who's proving to be so solid at the back this season it's like having a six-foot brick wall in front of the Orient goal. Which, interestingly, Martin Ling once tried when he needed a bit more mobility than Joe Dolan could offer.
Little donkey... Yohann Lasimant - given his first start of the season tonight - certainly looks cultured. But then again so does a pot of strawberry yogurt and you wouldn't ask that to try to execute a successful pass to a team mate. And while the Frenchman can certainly dribble round in circles, some end product is going to be useful if he's to contribute more this season.
The management... "We're lucky to have Samsung as a sponsor, they have given us a tablet which we used to show Jamie some clips," said Kevin Nugent after the game in a shameless attempt to blag a free Galaxy S4 smartphone to replace the battered Nokia 5110 he's had since 1998. "The lads may laugh," he added, "but none of them have scored over 4 billion on Snake."
View from the opposition... "Hope Steven Pressley sticks this up on the tactics board tomorrow," wrote Sky Blues fan Curtis Armstrong yesterday of the photo below, adding "John Fleck take note." And Fleck did indeed take note of not shooting straight at the keeper when taking his penalty. He put it wide instead.
Tweet of the week... "Why wasn't I born in Spain (Barcelona)" tweeted one-time Orient cry baby Dean Morgan plaintively this week. Pray tell why, Deano: Is it because of Gaudi's impressive modernist architecture throughout the city? Is it because of the proud history of Catalonian nationalism? Is it because of the molecular gastronomy cuisine created by the pioneering Adria brothers? Nope, apparently it's this: "I would love to play in the Nou Camp." Yep, Deano, if you'd been born in Barcelona you'd definitely have a chance of appearing at the Nou Camp. I've heard they're pretty short of stewards at the moment.
Orient by numbers... Two. The number of teeth one unfortunate press photographer has left after being clattered by Moses Odubajo in the first half. "I was lucky," he spluttered after the game. "A colleague of mine got steamrollered by Michael Symes last season. We're still trying to dig him out."
A game which... on paper, Orient should have won. But as anyone who's supported the Os for more than five seconds can attest, games which we should win "on paper" are almost always the ones we lose. The fact that we actually put Notts County to the sword so emphatically suggests that our winning run isn't just an inexplicable but short-lived quirk of history - like snow-washed jeans or Olly Murs - but a genuine tilt at promotion, if not the League One title itself. Did I just say that?
Moment of magic... So many to choose from, but let's take a moment to celebrate Shaun Batt who - with the best goals-to-minutes ratio of all our strikers - must be sitting on the bench feeling like he's waiting to audition for a part in a West End revival of Grease the Musical only to see John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John in the queue ahead of him. But with his typically rampaging goal and his assist for Jayden Stockley, he reminded fans that he's a more than able back up for Mooney and Lisbie.
Half-time entertainment
Moment of madness... Notts County's goal. Slade out! Actually, the madness was restricted to half-time when for reasons that may be loosely associated with something or other, someone was allowed to sing a song about referees down the microphone. Thanks to Orient's late 16th-century PA system the effect was the sort of blood-curdling wail that hasn't been heard at Brisbane Road since Dean Morgan was lightly tapped on the arm by an opposition defender in 2008.
Top gun... Tonight the Official Romain Vincelot Man Of The Match Award went to... Kevin Lisbie. And why not, hey, for a striker now averaging a goal per game in his eight appearances this season. At this rate he'll overtake the goal-scoring records of Tommy Johnston (36 goals in 1957/58), Peter Kitchen (29 goals in 1977/78), Carl Griffiths (21 goals in 1997/98) and the next best, Chris Tate (5 goals in 2000/01).
Dean Leacock
Little donkey... There are no weak links in the Orient side at the moment so let's instead take a gratuitous pop at Notts County centre-back and former O Dean Leacock. Russell Slade infamously described Leacock as his Rolls Royce, presumably because he was best kept locked in a garage out of harm's way. Tonight, in the face of Orient's scintillating attacking, the Notts County man must have felt more like he was trying to win a Formula 1 Grand Prix in a second-hand Kia Picanto.
In the dug out... What a joy it must have been for Russell to be able to rest Lisbie, Mooney and Odubajo for the latter part of the game and see two of his three substitutes score goals and the other one dribble around in circles near the halfway line. At the moment everything the manager touches is turning to gold - which means there'll be trouble if he goes anywhere near Kevin Dearden's post-match KFC bucket.
View from the opposition... "Playing three at the back against top of the league away from home when we are without a win all year is absolutely ridiculous," wrote Notts County fan James Pegg, not unreasonably, while Peter Caine added an earthier "Well I ain't paying any more money to watch that shower of shit until things change."
Tweet of the week... Orient's amazing run of form has even got our part-time celebrity fans excited, and this week The Only Way Is Essex star Debbie From The Only Way Is Essex tweeted simply: "east east east London" accompanied by this picture. Next stop Brisbane Road, Debs.
Orient by numbers... The last time Orient had a positive goal difference of 16 goals was in 1932 after a 16-0 rout of Newport on the first day of the season. "I remember it well," chuckled goalkeeper Herbert Emery some years later. "Our inside left Reggie Tricker was driving the team bus to the game after 13 pints of mild and got us lost somewhere near Pontypool. We ended up having to play the fixture against the Wales under-15 ladies lacrosse team. The Football League were none the wiser!"
A game which... featured five goals, one sending off, one missed penalty and a touchline jig from Russell Slade. What more do you want, the added minutes announcement at the end of each half being sponsored by the Guardian newspaper? Yeah, well, inexplicably you got that too.
On the pitch - which this year the club have helpfully covered with grass - Orient at times bristled with attacking verve while on occasion being a bit sloppy in defence and midfield. But, hey, never mind that, for ultimately this was a merited victory against a pretty classy and very spirited Coventry side. Two games, eight goals, top of the league and through to the next round of the League Cup. Blimey, this must be what it feels like to support a decent team.
Moment of magic... Dean Cox's goal, the first scored by an Orient player from a ball breaking loose on the edge of the penalty area since Andy Harris used to regularly dispatch them somewhere vaguely in the direction of Winchester.
Moment of madness... When Coventry City captain Carl Baker responded to his sending off by booting a water bottle in the air next to the home dugout, thus awakening Kevin Dearden from his deep slumber and interrupting the blissful dream he was having about a bungalow constructed entirely from Ginsters Spicy Chicken Slices. "I was so annoyed I wanted to get off my seat and give him a piece of my mind," said the Orient goalkeeping coach later. "I didn't though," he added.
Top Gun... In the first half Romain Vincelot marshalled the midfield like Napoleon during the 1793 Siege of Toulon (one for my readers who are studying GCSE history there - always looking out for you guys). In the second half Jamie Jones was the shining star, for his penalty stop and a couple of typically athletic saves. Let's give man of the match to Super Kevin Lisbie though for his thoroughly un-Orient ability to actually stick the ball in the net whenever he's presented with a chance.
Little donkey... Not the best performance from Gary Sawyer tonight who, for Coventry's first goal, wasn't so much as left for dead by Carl Baker, but sliced up with a chainsaw, packed into a suitcase and dropped in the River Lea.
David Mooney is expected to arrive
any time now...
The management... "This is the first step in a thousand steps," said Russell Slade after Saturday's victory against Carlisle. If tonight is only the second step, then it's going to take a bloody long time to get to our destination. David Mooney's expected to arrive some time in the year 3047.
Tweet of the week... "The hottest guy is in mc Donald's right now and he supports Leyton orient... if we get married dad would be so proud" tweeted Shannon Jeffery today, demonstrating that when it comes to love, you should always aim high. And if that doesn't work, aim much, much lower and hope for the best. "Omg hot Leyton orient guy drives a mini #meanttobe" she wrote later. #believe
Orient in numbers... Eight. The number of goals Orient have scored in their first two games, incredibly just two short of the total goal count for the entire 2002/03 season. "We had Lee Thorpe and Wayne Purser up top," said gaffer Paul Brush in mitigation. "I'm surprised they got as many as 10 to be honest."
A game in which... Referee Andy D'Urso ran around blowing his whistle like he was at an early 90s rave off his nut on ecstasy - and in the brief interludes in which he allowed some football to break out Orient managed to score two goals. Demented officiating aside, this was a hugely impressive and deserved victory against one of the division's big hitters.
Moment of magic... A goal from the most unlikely Leyton Orient player. No, not Michael Symes but left back Gary Sawyer. The former Bristol Rovers man has been a quietly efficient performer this season and his first club goal was just reward for another classy display.
Lee Cook on the bench today
Moment of madness... Russell Slade's decision to bring on Lee Cook into cold and rainy conditions when the winger was perfectly content sitting on the bench Googling cheap holiday options in Marbella on his iPhone. However, contrary to all expectations Cook actually put in a hell of a shift and nearly set up a couple more goals with his pinpoint crosses into the box.
Knight in shining armour... Superb performances from Jamie Jones and Nathan Clarke in particular today, but the shining star was Romain Vincelot. Though his appearance suggests he's spent the previous night engaged in a particularly strenuous session of lovemaking at a backstreet Parisian brothel, he's rock solid in central defence and today repelled the MK Dons attack flawlessly.
Pantomime horse... If football matches lasted 15 minutes then Jimmy Smith would be Fifa World Player of the Year, such is the ferocious intensity with which he plays the first quarter of an hour. Today's early-game cameo included a backheel to Moses Odubajo that was so cheeky it's a wonder MK Dons left back Dean Lewington didn't slap him round the face for his impudence. Unfortunately, as is so often the case, Smith played the remaining 75 minutes like a dwarf playing piggy in the middle against the Harlem Globetrotters.
In the dug out... You've got to hand it to Russell, in a must-win game he threw all caution to the wind. Admittedly to him throwing all caution to the wind is leaving Lloyd James on the bench, but nonetheless the manager deserves huge plaudits for dragging his team one point away from the play-offs with two games to go. He even got a bear hug from Kevin Dearden for his troubles today, an experience something akin to a jellyfish being crushed in an industrial vice.
View from the opposition... "Poor match, poor effort by the players," writes MK Dons fan Matthew Fensome. "Why this again when we could at least have tried to win?"
You're a girl, you like pink. Right?
Meanwhile on Twitter... Today the official Leyton Orient Twitter feed showed that the club are doing their bit to drag feminism into the 18th century by tweeting a product from their new women's range - a pink hat. After all, girls couldn't possibly wear the same colour hats as men, could they? Also available are a pink Orient apron, a pink Orient feather duster and a book entitled The Orient Guide To The Offside Rule For Women (pink cover). Girl power!
Statto corner... Kevin Lisbie's 16 league goals this season come from just 20 starts, a goals-to-games ratio bettered only by Ryan Jarvis during his first loan spell with the club in 2007. "Getting close to Jarvis has always been one of my ambitions," said a humble Lisbie after today's game. "Jarvis Cocker, that is."
A game in which... Bournemouth strutted onto the pitch with all the confidence of the newly-minted wife of a Russian oligarch sneering disdainfully at some peasant girls while mentally acknowledging she'd still be one of them were it not for her large bosom and 'relaxed' approach to her husband's rampant infidelity. Indeed, in the first five minutes of the match Orient seemed so overawed by the gaudy visitors that it appeared they might well lose 47-0.
They regained their composure soon enough though and went on to dominate most of the next 85 minutes and record a particularly impressive victory over one of the league's supposed high-flyers. Pleasing too was the way the team passed the ball around, almost making one wonder if they might have considered doing that against Southend...
Moment of magic... The sound of corks popping from bottles of discounted Lidl sparkling white wine in Theo's restaurant could only mean one thing today: the return of Kevin Lisbie. Yes, the sight of the only Orient striker in living memory who can actually shoot was a welcome one, and it was fitting that the number nine announced his comeback with a smartly-taken goal.
David Mooney
Moment of madness... Bournemouth left-back Matt Ritchie's decision not to chase back Mathieu Baudry's hopeful punt forward, no doubt assuming that the lurking David Mooney had all the turn of speed of the Dublin-Holyhead car ferry. Oh, but how wrong he was, because three hours later Moons had just about managed to chase down the ball and cut it back for Charlie MacDonald to slot into the net.
Knight in shining armour... Plenty of Os players shone today: Baudry (bien sur!), MacDonald, James (yes, Lloyd James, what of it?) and Odubajo for starters. Jamie Jones too made one save in the second half that was so spectacular that it would have left goalkeeping coach Kevin Dearden open-mouthed in wonder were he not at that moment trying to swallow two Cornish pasties and a Twix. But let's give man of the match to Nathan Clarke for a flawless display of defensive solidity and one awesome last-ditch tackle on Lewis Grabban in the second half.
Pantomime horse... Whoever's responsibility it was to fill with helium the 32 balloons that were supposed to be released into the air at half-time on behalf of the NHS Be Clear On Cancer campaign. Instead of rising to the heavens, each balloon dropped apologetically to the ground, thus providing a fitting metaphor for the entire history of Leyton Orient Football Club. (More info on the campaign here by the way.)
In the dug out... Full credit to Russell, this season he's proved he can go toe-to-toe with the top managers in the division, and his team's record against promotion challengers is an impressive one. If he could only crack how not to lose to the division's bottom-feeders then who knows what could happen next year after we lose our customary first 10 matches?
View from the opposition... "No leadership on the pitch," says Bournemouth fan Simon Wybrow. "Lost all balance in defence with Daniels out. Surely it's time to give Allsop a go?"
Dean Cox on Come Dine With Me
Meanwhile on Twitter... Kudos to eagle-eyed fan Andrew Ford who this week spotted that our very own Dean Cox was making a cheeky appearance on Channel 4 cookery show Come Dine With Me.
Statto corner... It's a little-known fact that one of the innovations that Barry Hearn brought to the club when he took over in 1995 (along with on-pitch weddings) was a contractual obligation for players to always concede a goal when 2-0 up. "We want to raise the excitement levels at Brisbane Road," he said at the time, "and what better way than to ensure that as many games as possible have a nail-biting finish." Orient have not won 2-0 at home since that day.
(Prostate Cancer UK were also collecting at today's game as the official charity of the Football League. Find out more here.)
A game in which... Orient had the chance to put Wednesday's heartbreak behind them and come out all guns blazing. Instead they meekly took to the pitch waving white flags. Or maybe they were bedsheets, for this was a performance so soporific it could have been bottled up and sold as a miracle cure for insomnia.
Given that in the 13 remaining games the team will probably amass the four or five points that'll keep them in the division (best not bet your mortgage on it though) our season is effectively over in February. On the one hand it makes a refreshing change not to be fighting relegation. On the other, expect the next two months to feel like watching an ageing runner with a torn hamstring slowly and tortuously complete the last three miles of the London Marathon in just under seven hours.
Moment of magic... Moment of magic? Tricky one that. Imagine Paul Daniels turning up to a show without his wand, playing cards, white dove or Debbie McGee. Yes, Orient's performance was far from spellbinding, although Leon McSweeney did hoof one from 40 yards or so that only missed the goal by a few metres.
Moment of madness... Russell Slade's decision to bench Moses Odubajo, presumably for disobeying instructions on Wednesday by trying to dribble round people and create chances. Sure, the youngster's probably a bit knackered, but so is Kevin Dearden after walking from the dressing room to the dug out and you don't see him sitting on the bench all game. Oh, hang on...
Mathieu Baudry
Knight in shining armour... Yet again Mathieu Baudry put in a performance with all the class of a French aristocrat gliding majestically through an ambassador's ball as the wives of foreign dignitaries swoon at his feet. But let's instead hail the return of Leon McSweeney BA (Hons), whose earthier Irish qualities and lively running gave us a bit of impetus down the left today. The emphasis being on "a bit".
Pantomime horse... A while ago I hailed the qualities of Lloyd James. Yeah, sorry about that. For though he is a tidy and sometimes effective player (and is tasked with a relatively unglamorous role), today he put in a shift that even Paul Terry might have been embarrassed about. Time for a spell on the bench?
In the dug out... To be fair to our management team, there was a flurry of activity in the dug out during the match. Kevin Nugent was scribbling furiously on his notepad trying to work out if it would be cheaper for him, Russell and Kevin Dearden to share a villa in Marbella or an apartment in Corfu for their summer holiday. Slade was questioning physio Nick Dawes on the most reliable brand of diarrhoea tablets to take with them, while Dearden was mentally calculating how much it is physically possible to eat per day on an all-inclusive deal.
View from the opposition... "Deserved victory," says Crawley fan Warren Lucy. "Always nerve-wracking when it's only 1-0 though. Should have killed Leyton Orient off. Poor atmosphere at Brisbane Road." Meanwhile on Twitter... Tweet of the week has to go to Val Jacobs for summing up the plight of Os fans thus: "Supporting Orient is a long line of little disappointments with the odd massive disappointment here and there." Meanwhile, exciting news as Orient's number one celebrity fan and all round top fella Julian Lloyd Webber joins Twitter, tweeting football and cello-related banter from @JLloydWebber.
Statto corner... Today David Mooney broke the Orient record for being caught offside, clocking up an impressive 427 offences. The previous record was held by Steve Watts in a 2001 game against Chesterfield, albeit due to the mitigating circumstances that he spent 38 minutes in the opposition penalty area trying to figure out how to re-tie his shoelaces.
A game in which... Orient recorded an impressive victory despite facing significant obstacles: Notts County's 22-game unbeaten away record; officiating apparently inspired by popular clown routines of the early 19th-century; and the fact the defence had to tame an opposition No.9 playing with all the elegance of an irate rhinoceros rampaging through a dolls' house.
Initially Orient looked like they might succumb to their old party trick of failing to convert pressure into goals - indeed, so many chances went begging that even substitute Michael Symes was moved to put down his bag of doughnuts, lick his lips and proclaim: "Reckon I could have put one of them away." But no matter, when it came to it, Mooney and Baudry put the ball in the net to send the Os soaring to exactly the same place in the table as they were before the game kicked off.
Moment of magic... The point at which official Lee Collins gave credence to the chant "You're not fit to referee" by, well, not being fit to referee and leaving the pitch midway through the second half. Apparently he'd inadvertently swallowed his one remaining brain cell, hence explaining some of his decisions earlier in the match.
Bartosz Bialkowski: time waster
Moment of madness... The South Stand's decision to boo County's Bartosz Bialkowski for having the temerity to require treatment after being kicked in the head by Charlie MacDonald. Next week: Orient fans rage at Swindon's goalkeeper for time-wasting after his arm is lopped off in a bizarre clash with David Mooney.
Knight in shining armour... Tough one this. Baudry, Cook, Chorley and Odubajo all class, but perhaps Martin Rowlands edges it as the architect of Orient's attacking play. One 50-yard pass to Lee Cook in the first half was particularly sumptuous, and the only blot on his copybook was a missed free kick - presumably he can only score when opposition fans are calling him a cunt.
Pantomime horse... Incredibly Charlie MacDonald managed to go through the entire match without touching the ball a single time - some feat given the game lasted about four hours. Yes, for a self-proclaimed goal-poacher the former Brentford man was conspicuous by his absence on the numerous occasions that the ball bobbled inviting around the County six-yard box. Less a fox in the box, more a dozy gerbil wandering aimlessly through a field.
In the dug out... Never let it be said that all Kevin Dearden does in a match is sit there idly doodling on an A4 pad while repeatedly breaking wind and wondering whether to have Findus crispy pancakes or a bumper pack of Hula Hoops for dinner. Never let that be said. Today Orient's goalkeeping coach was so incensed by the performance of the referee that he left his seat - no mean feat - and confronted the official. "Kev made his views pretty clear to me," said the referee after the match. "Apparently he reckons KFC is better than Nandos."
Meanwhile on Twitter... "Piss bored today so experimenting by launching a blog" revealed resident Brisbane Road brainbox Leon McSweeney this week, breaking all traditions of player tweeting by failing to make any spelling mistakes. The blog is good too. "Will hopefully stay inspired to write one regularly," he wrote later - although he won't be able to count on the readership of Lloyd James, who replied simply, "Please don't." Charming.
Statto corner... In the days before fourth officials, should a referee get injured during a game clubs had to be more creative around how they replaced them. In a game against Bradford City in 1994, for example, striker Colin West was required to both play up front and run the line for the last 35 minutes of the match after the referee pulled his hamstring. He would have scored a last-minute winner but for the fact he incorrectly flagged himself offside.
A game which... was such a spectacle that were it played in the Olympic Stadium then the literally dozens of new London Orient fans would be demanding their money back, despite the fact they had free tickets. But let's not get too despondent since for most of the 90 minutes the Os matched a team who are better resourced, better supported and, well, just better.
Remember, Orient did actually create a couple of chances and conceded only to a wonder strike. But it's fair to say that despite a recent run of good results, we're not quite the finished article. More a half-decent first paragraph that quickly descends into the sort of meaningless drivel you find on Jimmy Smith's Twitter feed. #LEGOOOO
Moment of magic... The neat interplay between Kevin Lisbie and Lee Cook that cued up Anthony Griffith to score from the edge of the area in the second half. Anthony Griffith didn't score, mind you, he skewed the shot towards the corner flag so apologetically it was like he was grovelling for forgiveness for daring to suggest that Blades' fan Sean Bean was "a bit shit" in The Lord of the Rings.
Moment of madness... Substitute David Mooney's decision to direct a few choice words at Kevin Dearden after it was decreed that Ryan Brunt, rather than Moons himself, was to replace Kevin Lisbie. It's great that the non-scoring Irishman showed some passion, but complaining to Orient's goalkeeping coach is a bit like harassing your local paper boy about the fact that the mainstream media isn't giving enough attention to climate change. It might be true, but there ain't much he can do about it.
Knight in shining armour... Kevin Lisbie, who gets so little service during games that for training he might as well just sit in restaurants being ignored by incompetent waitresses. Nonetheless when he is thrown a scrap he makes things happen, and God only knows where our attacking threat is going to come from if he's out injured for a while.
Pantomime horse... Michael Symes, who's so slow off the mark it appeared he was still chasing a knock down from the Stevenage game back in August. A somewhat baffling decision by Slade to bring on the man voted as the worst striker in the entire history of Rochdale FC instead of top scorer (two goals) Ryan Brunt, but since the laws of the game prevent him from rolling an enormous lump of Playdoh into the penalty area on a broken rollerskate he presumably regards Symes as the next best thing.
In the dug out... Today's starting formation of choice appeared to be a 4-3-2-1 that perfectly nullified the ability of Dean Cox and Lee Cook to create anything from the wings. Still, fair play to Russell he changed it round on 25 minutes to the 4-4-2 system that he and Kevin Nugent stole from the archives of the National Football Museum in the most dangerous Orient endeavour since Steve Castle tried to escape from Pizza Hut without paying for his deep pan Hawaiian.
Meanwhile on Twitter.... "I wonder what Jimmy Smith gets up to when he's not trimming his hair or training?" said no one ever. But nonetheless, thanks to the magic of Twitter, the Orient midfielder gave us a unique insight into how he passes the time. And apparently he passes the time by arranging air fresheners into tower-like structures in his kitchen. "#Home Chilling + Treated The Crib LoL #SmellsGooooood" he tweeted alongside this photo. Scott Cuthbert, however, was having none of it, replying, "the crib? Ure not an american rapper lad!" Quite.
Statto corner... When Leyton Orient decided to change their name to just Orient in 1966 they took to the pitch for their first home of the season against Scunthorpe with just eight players, as three new signings had got on the wrong bus at Stratford. "There was no clue in the name," said confused centre-half John "Snedders" Sneddon.
A game in which... Russell Slade proved this joker wrong: "It's antiquated to think football is simply a 4-4-2 system. The game has changed. It's not like that now." (Russell Slade, Leyton Orientear, August 2012) Yes, what a joy it was to see an Orient side bristling with energy, purpose and attacking intent - and playing two up front at home. Sure, the approach was direct, but the intensity repeatedly left the Yeovil defence as exposed as a topless princess in a private French chateau.
Moment of magic... An incredible five-minute spell of showboating towards the end of the game which featured a Jimmy Smith backheel, a couple of Moses Odubajo stepovers and no less than three - yes, three - attempts on goal by substitute David Mooney, only one of which ballooned towards the corner flag. Less the Harlem Globetrotters, though, more the Leyton Cheap Day Return To Canvey Islanders.
Moment of madness... Ryan Brunt's over-exuberant celebration of Kevin Lisbie's goal, resulting in a need for medical assistance. What's he going to do if David Mooney scores - lop his own leg off with a chainsaw?
Knight in shining armour... So impressive was the Orient performance tonight that pretty much the whole team could stake a claim to the man of the match award. Allsop, Chorley, Griffith, Lisbie, Brunt and Smith were all particularly good, but let's focus on Dean Cox. Playing on the left in the second half he repeatedly got on the ball and created opportunities by cutting inside - much as he did throughout the 2010/11 season. Which begs the question as to why Slade persisted with playing him in the middle for so long, a decision akin to convincing Al Pacino to star in an amateur dramatic production of The Mousetrap, only to assign him the role of the corpse.
Pantomime horse... No bad performances from any of the Orient team tonight, but one-time Premier League referee Keith Stroud made up for it with a series of increasingly bizarre decisions, not least his denial of an Orient penalty when Nathan Ralph brought Ryan Brunt to the ground with all the finesse of an inebriated Somerset farm hand attacking a love rival with an oversized scythe.
In the dug out... When Yeovil pulled the score back to 2-1 just after half-time it looked for a moment as if we might be heading for a repeat of last season's soul-destroying capitulation to the Somerset side. But, fair play to Russell, he had a smile on his face tonight, so either everything was going to plan or Kevin Dearden was reworking his much-loved comedy routine of repeatedly breaking wind and then pointing at Marc Laird accusingly.
View from the opposition... "Orient passed the ball well and really capitalised on some poor Yeovil defending," says Glovers fan Sheridan Robins. "Your number nine always looked a threat and we failed to deal with him. Orient looked a better side than last season but if Yeovil had scored when on top at 2-1 I think it would have been a different story as your heads would have dropped." Meanwhile on Twitter... Os fans could do far worse than following Lee Cook. The diminutive winger mixes incisive analysis of celebrity women - "Kelly Brook #withoutthembangersyouwouldworkindixons" and "Mila kunis looks as ropey as shit in the papers today!", for example - with horrifying tales of mowing down innocent animals in Essex: "Bare road kill in woodford! So far 2 squirrels and a rabbit in a pickle!" It's like George Porter meets Ray Mears.
Statto corner... Tonight Orient amassed more shots on goal in a single game than they managed throughout the entire 2011/12 season.
A game in which... Russell Slade's starting line up didn't just throw caution to the wind, it recklessly cast it into the eye of a hurricane. Three wingers. Yep, three wingers - count 'em: Cook, Cox, Obudajo - took to the field and helped Orient create a bit of bustle in the first half, to the point that we actually had a single shot on target. In the context of the last six months, this is something to be celebrated.
Unfortunately by the second half the manager had reverted to type, deploying what looked like a narrow 4-1-1-1-1-1 formation located entirely in our own penalty area, inviting Crawley to repeatedly attack until eventually - and inevitably - they scored.
Moment of magic... One sumptuous run from Moses Obudajo in the first half caused a momentary stir among the Orient fans, but only in the same sense as someone forced to endure all 28 Jennifer Lopez films back to back may get a mild kick when Bob Hoskins briefly turns up in Maid In Manhattan.
Moment of madness... The point in the second half when keeper Ryan Allsop - who'd played reasonably well until then - mistimed his run to the edge of the box to allow Nicky Ajose a shot at an open goal (which he somehow missed). Now, I'm sure there must be more to coach Kevin Dearden's job than collecting the cones at the end of training and eating jam doughnuts, but of the 38 goalkeepers who have turned out for Orient in the last season or two, he appears to have actually made 37 of them worse.
Knight in shining armour... Ben Chorley did a fine job of keeping ex-O Gary Alexander quiet - if only he could silence him on Twitter - throughout the match. Indeed, the former Tranmere man reminded fans that when he's not scouring the pitch looking to scapegoat someone for stealing a squeeze from his shampoo bottle he's actually a pretty solid defender.
Pantomime horse... Unequivocally the manager himself. God only knows what Russell says to his teams at half-time - I'm guessing: "Do exactly what you're already doing, lads, only slightly less badly" - but he seems to have an amazing ability to turn an average performance into an abysmal one in the space of 15 minutes.
In the dug out... Like Stone Roses fans who stayed loyal to the band despite the shambles that was sophomore album The Second Coming, Orient supporters were extremely patient with Russell Slade throughout the disaster of 2011/12 because of what the manager achieved the previous season. But now, with three wins and three draws from the last 20 league matches, that patience has worn as thin as the non-financial reasons behind the reunion of Ian, John, Mani and Reni.
Word from the opposition... Crawley fan Warren Lucy of The Goalmouth Scramble blog says: "Scrappy game, draw was probably the right result but you did feel there would be a goal from somewhere. Orient huffed and puffed but didn't really have a lot of chances. Felt we just edged it. Both teams played poorly." Meanwhile on Twitter... "Don't listen to the haterz" tweeted Gary Alexander last time he faced Orient, before spending the next 48 hours meticulously trawling through his mentions column, retweeting anything mildly critical then crying non-stop for two solid weeks. This time round the former Brisbane Road striker displayed a bit more maturity - bringing him up to the mental age of 13 - and diplomatically tweeted "Sometimes it wasn't pretty but 3 points #buzzing play bad and win were take that."
Statto corner... Russell Slade has now employed the phrase "we just need a bit more belief" in post-match interviews over 7000 times, setting a new Guinness world record for delusion.
Though Robin Van Persie apologists may disagree, football runs in seasons, not calendar years.
Nonetheless, 2011 hasn't been a bad year for Os fans, featuring a 13-match unbeaten run, memorable victories over the likes of Sheffield Wednesday and Charlton, an FA Cup odyssey that culminated in a famous draw against Arsenal at Brisbane Road and, of course, the departure of Ryan Jarvis.
Orient's dream FA Cup run had come to end three days before this fixture and as such it wouldn't have been a surprise to see the players exhibiting the sort of humdinging hangover that used to regularly accompany Sean Thornton to training sessions. But not so: the Os put in a professional and convincing performance to ease past Notts County, which so incensed their manager Paul Ince that he was moved to throw his half-time tea over Kevin Dearden and offer him out. Presumably if the Os' goalkeeping coach had taken him up on his offer, Ince would have bottled it at the last minute and sent Gareth Southgate to fight him instead.
Jonathan Tehoue spent so much time digging Orient out of holes last season that he could easily forge a new career as a miner if it wasn't for all the actual hard work involved. After a hand injury had kept him out for the opening part of the season the French striker reminded fans why he's such an important player to have on the bench. With the Os 1-0 up but the game far from over, he trundled up the pitch and nodded in Kevin Lisbie's cross with his very first touch of the game.
Not since the days when Martin Ling would sprint towards his phone whenever a striker over the height of 5ft 6in came on the market has Brisbane Road been witness to any true bursts of speed. Enter George Porter, who showed what he's capable of against non-league Bromley by simply knocking the ball his ahead of himself near the halfway line, then continuing his blistering charge all the way to goal to put Orient 2-0 up.
The fact that Orient - having failed to win a single one of their first 10 league fixtures of the season - were leading Preston 2-1 at half-time was a miracle enough in itself. But when the Lilywhites were awarded a spot kick in the second half fans would have been less surprised to see Lee Butcher part the Red Sea, feed the five thousand and raise Lazarus from the dead than actually save Graham Alexander's penalty. Butch had just let in 14 consecutive spot kicks in a shoot out against Dagenham & Redbridge; Alexander is one of football's most deadly 12-yard bandits. But save it he did, giving Orient the platform to go on and record their first victory of the season.
6. Lis is more!
Leyton Orient 1 Sheffield United 1, 22 October 2011
Orient have a lot of difficulty winning games with 11 players on the pitch, so when it's 10 against 12 they really have very little chance of getting a result. Yes, referee Oliver Langford certainly didn't make things easy after a series of decisions so nonsensical that they could easily have been mistaken for the plot of Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol. All hail Kevin Lisbie, then, who tucked a loose ball away in the sixth minute of added time to snatch a point for the Os and send Brisbane Road into delirium.
By March, Orient were eight points off the play-offs with four games in hand, but were finding it hard to break down a resilient Oldham side. With 10 minutes to go Russell Slade turned to his bench and realised that he'd accidentally left his best player out of the side for the 15th consecutive week. But no matter, for Spurs loanee Paul-Jose M'Poku only needed a few minutes to work his magic, and with a Shazam! and an Abracadabra! unleashed an unstoppable strike with the outside of his boot that gave Orient three invaluable points at the death.
4. Great Scott! Four-star Os overrun Owls
Leyton Orient 4 Sheffield Wednesday 0, 22 January 2011
When one-time Premier League residents Sheffield Wednesday came-a-calling at Brisbane Road in January they faced an Orient side who'd only just hauled themselves out of the relegation zone. Alan Irvine's team talk probably went something like: "Don't exert yourselves too much lads, we've got some important games coming up. Just knock it around a bit and wait for their right back to spoon the ball into his own net." Unfortunately for the Owls they found themselves on the receiving end of an inspired performance by the home side, capped by veteran Scott McGleish's glancing header that sealed a deserved 4-0 victory.
The final day of 2011 and there was something of a party spirit at Brisbane Road. No, the Peter Allen Cafe wasn't offering a free soup of the day (always tomato) with any purchase of a pizza pod, but rather Leyton Orient were giving league leaders Charlton the runaround. The fact that they'd only put away one of their countless chances meant a nervy final few minutes, but when Rhoys Wiggins looked to have equalised for the visitors big brave Ben Chorley was on hand to majestically block the shot on the line, allowing the Os to see in the New Year in style.
Incredibly, with four games left of the 2010/11 season Orient were still in with a shout of reaching the play-offs, though a win against promotion-chasing Peterborough was essential to keep hopes alive. With ten minutes to go the scores were level and Russell Slade must have been ready to throw in the towel. Instead he threw in Ryan Jarvis, which was tantamount to the same thing. But in the sixth minute of injury time the former Norwich man - who'd hardly played a game all season - defied all known laws of the universe to rise majestically above the Peterborough defence to meet Jason Crowe's cross and nod the Os to victory.
Arsene Wenger has an encyclopedic knowledge of French football, but even he was unaware of a fellow countryman by the name of Jonathan Tehoue who once lumbered around the playing fields of Europe like an ailing ocean liner on one last voyage before being put out of commission. Tehoue found his home in east London and, for all his shortcomings over 90 minutes, there is no striker in the country deadlier from the bench - as Arsenal discovered to their cost when he scored in the 90th minute of the FA Cup fifth round tie. A packed Brisbane Road was rocked to its rafters.
Meanwhile on the opposition bench... We need to talk about Kevin. Firstly: Nugent, who was a loyal servant to Orient despite the fact he was demoted further and further down the hierarchy every time Sr Becchetti pulled the trigger on another manager, to the point where his final role profile at the club simply read "Hold a clipboard." Then of course there was also Kevin Dearden, who was a loyal servant to the club's restaurants and cafes. Given the current state of Orient, mind, I'm pretty sure where both of them would rather be sitting...
