Leyton Orient 0 Luton Town 1, 5/3/16

A game in which... It was proved scientifically, philosophically and legally that Orient are still just a bit shit. Not chronic-dysentry-call-999-NOW! shit as we were under Ian Hendon. More like the type of shit that clings defiantly to the toilet bowl despite repeated flushes. Will.i.am, were it in human form.

Now, credit to Kevin Nolan for mostly shoring up the defence – Luton only had the one big chance really – but he still has a big job to do to eke out some sort of guile, some creativity, some surprise from this largely uninspiring squad.

Jump off your seat moment... Is it Neymar? Is it Ronaldo? Is it the final of the World Dressage Championships? No, it's Jerome Binnom-Williams doing step-overs in ultra slow-motion in an ill-fated attempt bamboozle the Luton defence. That said, the left-back actually looks half-decent at times and could well be the difference between Orient finishing 11th or 12th come the end of the season. 

Give that man a medal... Scott Cuthbert. He had Ollie Palmer so deeply in his pocket that it's likely he'll not notice he's there again until he eventually sticks his kit in the washing machine and finds a bearded bloke in a red shirt clambering out of it then theatrically throwing himself to the ground claiming a head injury.  

Taxi for... Sean Clohessy. I'm presuming that his selection at right midfield is based on the infinite monkey theorem which states that if you sit a primate in front of a typewriter for an infinite amount of time at some point it will inadvertently produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Similarly, were he given until the end of the universe, it is conceivable that Sean Clohessy might at some point put a decent ball into the box. Didn't happen today, mind, so instead the former Southend man offered a fan out a half-time. As you were. 

Nolan-watch... Imagine this scenario: Kevin Nolan, on a day off and craving some peace and quiet, goes to an east London park with the intention of calmly completing a jigsaw puzzle. But when he begins the task, he finds that not only are most of the pieces either damaged or missing, but that there is also a group of drunk and obnoxious Italian tourists in the vicinity who keep coming over and smashing up the little progress he has made for the sheer hell of it. What I'm saying here is the manager is actually doing a pretty good job, all things considered. 

Meanwhile on the opposition bench... We need to talk about Kevin. Firstly: Nugent, who was a loyal servant to Orient despite the fact he was demoted further and further down the hierarchy every time Sr Becchetti pulled the trigger on another manager, to the point where his final role profile at the club simply read "Hold a clipboard." Then of course there was also Kevin Dearden, who was a loyal servant to the club's restaurants and cafes. Given the current state of Orient, mind, I'm pretty sure where both of them would rather be sitting...

Leyton Orient 2 Oxford United 2, 17/10/15

A game in which... Orient's first half performance wasn't just dire, it was a stain on the whole of human history, like the Crusades, the Black Death or Amanda Holden. In fact, it was worse than that: it was a display of Fabio Liverani-esque ineptitude. That the Os rallied in the second half, showed some fight and came away with a point should be commended, but let that not paper over the cracks. Seven points from our last eight games is relegation form.

Jump off your seat moment... A first senior goal for youngster Scott Kashket, who was just a twinkle in his father's eye when Orient last played Oxford in League Two, nine years ago. He won the man of the match award in the Supporters Club too – quite something given he was only on the pitch for 43 seconds – and was soaked in Champagne by Mr Becchetti for his troubles. What's the president going to do if Kashket actually wins us a match one day – piss on him?

Give that man a medal... Ollie Palmer continues to confound. Put him in the starting line up and he trudges up and down like an ageing donkey giving sporadic rides to doleful toddlers in a faded seaside town. Bring him on at half time – as Ian Hendon did today – and he's a thoroughbred racehorse, all rippling muscles and lustrous hair. What I'm saying here by way of equestrian analogy is that he won a lot of headers and generally managed to point them in the right direction.

Taxi for... Plenty of candidates for this one today, including woeful performances from Dean Cox and Blair Turgott, but let's instead point the finger of shame at Mathieu Baudry. Today, not content with just a bandage on his head, he also added a Petr Cech-style protector. Next week he'll also include a sombrero and by the end of the season will play each game in the guise of an overloaded hatstand at a low-rent department store. I say this because presumably all this headgear is obscuring his vision: why else would have he simply planted the ball in front of Kemar Roofe for Oxford's first goal, then randomly scattergunned the ball around for the rest of the match?

In the dugout... Imagine this: you've gone into hospital for a routine wisdom teeth removal
operation, and during it the surgeon inadvertently severs your jugular vein, but then just about manages to sew it up again before you die from massive blood loss. Would you praise him for saving your life, or chastise him for almost killing you in the first place? Today Ian Hendon was that surgeon, making a catastrophic error in his team selection (4-4-2 but with no Payne or James?!) but then atoning for his error with some bold half-time substitutions.

Meanwhile on Twitter... When he's not spraying people with Champagne or allegedly laundering money through failed Albanian hydro-electric schemes, what does our esteemed president get up to? That's right, he leers out of car windows like a maniac – or, as TLC might say, hangs out the passenger side of his best friend's ride, trying to holler at Orient fan Billy Herring.

Leyton Orient 3 Notts County 1, 3/10/15

A game in which... the entire Orient team remained locked in the dressing room for a full 30 minutes of the second half. And while Andy Hessenthaler tried unsuccessfully to pick the lock with his credit card ("Leave this to me lads, I saw it in a film") and Connor Essam sat in the corner weeping like a baby ("My sisters used to barricade me in a cupboard, ok") Notts County simply waltzed around the pitch unencumbered by opposition players.

Thankfully they only managed to score once during that time, and when Orient eventually broke free from their temporary prison, a poacher's effort from Jay Simpson and a belter from Sammy Moore allowed them to take all three points. A win – hurrah! – and a just-about deserved one after an impressive first half.

Jump off your seat moment... Only one candidate here: that's right, the moment when Ian Hendon killed a plummeting ball stone dead on the touchline almost if he didn't used to be a lower league journeyman. Just kidding, of course we must hail Sammy Moore's wonder-goal, a shot that dipped and swerved so much it was almost if he just booted it and got lucky. Jesus, just kidding again.

Sammy Moore in action today 

Give that man a medal... Sammy Moore. Because aside from his thunder-strike, he also volleyed in a sublime Bradley Pritchard dink – yeah, you heard – and put in a performance so industrious that Jeremy Corbyn is currently trying to renationalise it.

Taxi for... It was an improved performance from Ollie Palmer after Tuesday's catastrophe, but the big striker still left fans scratching their heads – and not just because there's been an outbreak of nits at Brisbane Road in the last week after resident practical joker Paul McCallum hid everyone's shampoo in Alessandro Angelieri's in-tray. Palmer's a decent player, for sure, but he needs to start putting away some of his chances or he'll soon be replaced by... Oh, hang on, there isn't anyone.

In the dug out... With the squad at its current size, it's little surprise that Ian Hendon's tactics are to simply play the 11 senior players he has available to him in a diamond formation and then bring on Blair Turgott with 30 minutes to go. (Notts County, by contrast, have about 96 players available for selection.) With the loanee additions that the manager promises are coming this week, he should be able to radically shake things up. Expect, for example, Blair Turgott to sometimes come on with just 25 minutes to go next time.

Mathieu Baudry in action today 

Meanwhile on Twitter... "No footballer has ever loved a head bandage as much as Mathieu Baudry,"tweeted fan James McMahon today in response to the fact that the French defender ended up swathed like an Egyptian mummy for the 476th game in succession. His latest head injury is so bad it requires plastic surgery, prompting a sympathetic tweet from Aussie larrikin Alex Cisak: "It's not like his looks can get any worse!" What a drongo.

Leyton Orient 1 Carlisle United 2, 29/9/15

A game in which... the cracks in Leyton Orient became deep ravines, much in the way Andy
Hessenthaler's face has evolved over the years. For what might have previously been described as minor wobble has now become evidence that much more needs to be done if we're going to get out of this division.

Yes, yes we had loads of chances – approximately 478 in the first 15 minutes of the second half – but if you don't score them and then give away stupid goals it's futile to bemoan our luck. Especially for five games in a row. Jay Simpson is going to have off days, and Dean Cox can't score a wonder goal every week, so someone needs to figure out some other ways for Orient to win.

Jump off your seat moment... The moment when Andy Hessenthaler quite literally did jump off his seat in an apparent effort to play peacemaker in a mild verbal clash between Ian Hendon and Keith Curle. Turns out Orient's assistant boss is the world's worst peacemaker as his method of arbitration involved massively inflaming the situation then getting sent off. Next week: Hessenthaler attempts to reunite the Labour Party by punching Jeremy Corbyn and Liz Kendall in the face.

Give that man a medal... Poor Mathieu Baudry. Playing in League Two, he must feel like a sophisticated French epicurean forced to eat in an Aberdeen Angus Steak House every week. Against Carlisle tonight the centre back avoided metaphorically vomiting all over pitch (Connor Essam did that for him) and instead repeatedly chewed up and spat out the opposition attack. Nice goal too.

Taxi for... Is Ollie Palmer the new Shaun Batt / Jonathan Tehoué? By this I don't mean "Can he DJ?" or "Could he down a KFC Family Bucket in one gulp?", but rather: Is he a player that can only create impact off the bench? Because after a game-changing substitute appearance against Wycombe Wanderers, the big striker hasn't done much in his two subsequent starts, and tonight missed a couple of fairly presentable chances.

In the dug out... To diamond or not to diamond, that isn't the question according to Ian Hendon, who said after the game: "Don't talk to me about formations, pal, I got formations coming out of my arse. What we need is the rub of the green, and by that I mean I'm simply hoping that if I keep doing exactly the same thing over and over again then we might get lucky at some point. What's that expression about even a broken clock being correct twice a day? Well, I only need it to be correct once or sometimes twice a week, so we should be fine I think." I'm paraphrasing a bit here, obviously.

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Honeymoon period is over" tweeted fan BenLOFC after the match, quite correctly, though I'd suggest that if Orient's current form is a figurative post-wedding holiday then it is one in which the bride has run off with a local barman, the groom has third-degree sunburn and Olly Murs is the headline act at the hotel's cabaret night. On a more serious note, Orient clearly need more depth in their squad. I'd venture another striker, a more experienced left-back, and an additional winger. Think we're ok for central midfielders for the time being though...

Leyton Orient 1 Wycombe Wanderers 1, 19/9/15

Action from Orient v Wycombe  

A game in which... Wycombe were so willing to wrestle Orient players to the ground yet feign injury at the mildest retaliation it would be no surprise if their entire squad were issued with spandex leotards and signed up for WWE Smackdown. I say this with only a little bit of massive disrespect because in many ways this was a consummate League Two performance from the away team and Orient were unable to match it for much of the game.

Luckily Ian Hendon has a plan B, which any idiot can see is much, much better than his plan A. So with the diamond ditched, substitute Ollie Palmer in immense form and the continued brilliance of Jay Simpson the Os managed to salvage a point. Can't complain when we're still top of the table, but Orient are going to need to better get to grips with the physical side of League Two if they're going to stay there.

Jump off your seat moment... There have been few times in Orient's history when fans could with near-certainty predict that if a striker had sight of goal, he'd score. Personally speaking I usually took the moment an Orient front man was put clean through as a cue to go get a cup of Bovril. No longer, for Jay Simpson is the lethal finisher we've been craving for years and today took his goal with typical panache.

"Stone Cold" Ollie Palmer 

Give that man a medal... If Wycombe Wanderers were pretenders to the WWE then Ollie Palmer was the real deal: a Stone Cold Steve Austin of League Two. In the 45 minutes that he was on the pitch the chiselled man-giant put in one of the most commanding, physical performances seen at Brisbane Road since the time Jonathan Tehoue piled in on Marc Laird for taking a spoonful of his half-time trifle.

Taxi for... The young lad – no doubt fuelled by nitrous oxide or insect urine or whatever it is the youth take for kicks these days – who decided to invade the pitch in the second half. Curiously no steward appeared to deem it necessary to intervene until it was finally left to a fluorescent-jacketed 92-year-old to stagger in slow motion towards the interloper, a scene eerily reminiscent of the entire Orient career of James Scowcroft.

"Come on Bradley, I'm sure you can manage 60 minutes"

In the dugout... Today Ian Hendon did not select Bradley Pritchard. Let that sink in for a moment, for it is the first time in Orient's 134-year history that the midfielder has not started and finished a game. Admittedly the former Charlton man was injured, but that didn't stop Fabio Liverani playing him on the wing on one occasion with two broken legs, third-degree burns and chlamydia. Man up Hendon! Aside from that, the manager claimed he was "delighted" with his team's performance, suggesting perhaps he was stuck in traffic until the 70th minute.

Meanwhile on Twitter... George Porter has been called up for England! No, not in his own mind. No, not on Fifa 16. Like, for real. Yep, the "Non-League Messi", as he's often referred to by no one but himself, got a call up to England C this week and wasted no time in boasting about it on Twitter. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Except Jamie Jones I suppose...