Leyton Orient 3 Port Vale 3, 28/9/19

A game which... began with a miracle right up there with feeding the five thousand, the raising of Lazarus and the 1848 apparition of the Lady of Lourdes: namely that Port Vale's defence appeared to be actually worse than ours. "Hold our beers" said the Orient back five as they set about undoing this celestial aberration by conceding two typically calamitous goals and ensuring the team went into the break 2-1 down.



Something was clearly said at half-time, that something being "Get in the shower Ekpiteta you donkey, you're off" and the Os reverted to 4-4-2 and some semblance of balance. Well, at least Port Vale weren't getting in behind our "wing backs" – and, yes I am making quotation marks in the air right now with a sarcastic look on my face – quite as often.

There was also a lot more attacking intent and impetus, which is nice to see – well done – not least because it's now clear that we're going to need to score at least three goals to even get a point in every game from here on...

Moment of magic... An absolute banger of a goal from Conor Wilkinson who I might have accidentally said had no end product last week. In fact the former Dagenham and Redbridge man is showing increasing evidence that he might actually be quite good, also setting up the O's opener with a delightfully-placed cross. He needs to be careful though: if he starts to put in a decent shift and score a lot of goals then a large proportion of Orient fans will demand that he is dropped, as is our quaint tradition.

Praise be... Did you see Josh Wright's attempted bicycle kick in the second half? Well, I say bicycle but perhaps broken scooter doused in petrol then set ablaze and thrown into a canal might better describe his affront to the art of acrobatic goal attempts. Aside from that a good day's work – two goals and a few telling interventions – from the Essex Exocet, as he's known to no one.



Taxi for... Craig Clay. And I obviously write this with great regret because I put my heart and soul into supporting that guy last season and didn't even slag him off once apart from one time at the start of the campaign when I made him the punchline of a cheap joke about Charlie Lee. So let's try to be calm and balanced about his display against Port Vale and simply say it was the worst performance by any sportsperson in any sport in all of time.

In the dugout... The crowd sung Ross Embleton's name at the conclusion of the game, which is some achievement since it's a name syllably-inconsistent with most traditional football chants. No matter: Ross deserves it for taking on a role he never aspired to at a time of great emotional distress for the club. He is a man of dignity, integrity and total professionalism and should continue to command the highest respect among our fans. That said, employing the failed 5-3-2 formation again – what a twat.

Are we going to be relegated? Well, let me put it this way: has a team that concedes at least two goals every game ever stayed up? I have literally no idea what the answer to that is so feel free to hit me up with some stats if you're Neilson Kaufman. I should say that there was enough in the second half to give me faith we'll avoid the drop: Conor Wilkinson's increasing influence; George Marsh's maturity in midfield; Jordan Maguire-Drew's peach of a cross for the last-minute equaliser; and Matt Harrold's all-round gingerness. It's going to be a bumpy ride though, isn't it?

Meanwhile on Soccer A.M.... 



Ross Embleton: Right lads, we're on You Know The Drill this week. We need two volunteers - first come first served. Who's up for showing what skilled players we have at the club?
Conor Wilkinson: I'm in gaffer!
RE: Nice one Sargent Wilko. Anyone else?
James Alabi: Me too gaffer!
RE: .... ... ... ... Anyone else?
JA: You said first come first served
RE: I think I said we'd draw names out of a hat
JA: No, you said first come first served gaffer. It was like three seconds ago.
RE: You know it's a shooting drill James?
JA: My speciality!
RE: 
JA: I mean my speciality compared to say goalkeeping or embroidery
RE: Just try not to embarrass us James
JA: Message received and understood gaffer...

Watch what happened here: https://twitter.com/SoccerAM/status/1178248766626902022 

Leyton Orient 3 Port Vale 1, 28/3/15

A game which... played out like a trippy 60s movie, such was the mind-bending surreality of the afternoon. Where to even begin: Matt Baudry sparring with a pigeon? Matchday announcer Philip Othen being forced to read out a message from President Becchetti slagging off Darius Henderson for turning up late? Gianvito Plasmati getting on the pitch? David Mooney saying this: "In the first half I thought we were excellent"? Weirded-out, freaky shit, man.   

Let's start with the football: Orient were in fact apocalyptically atrocious in the first half. Mercifully someone appeared to spike Port Vale's half-time Powerade with LSD for the opponents played the second 45 minutes as if transfixed by the kaleidoscopic colours and shifting shapes of Brisbane Road. So while their opponents were pointing at clouds and giggling, the Os took advantage – they could hardly not – and at the end of the afternoon had three points to show for it, which thankfully proved not to be a hallucination. 

Jump off your seat moment... Dean Cox's stunning winner gets an honourable mention of course, but let's instead focus on Orient's second goal. Now, I'm not saying that the way Port Vale conceded was the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened in the whole history of Brisbane Road – that was David Mooney's woefully-missed penalty, minutes later – but by God it was cringeworthy. 

With the ball plummeting out of the sky substitute keeper Sam Johnson – whose performance suggested he was actually just a random bloke pulled out of the crowd – inexplicably stood immobile while a grateful Jake Taylor headed the ball nowhere useful, only for Vale defender Neill Collins to bewilderingly slice the ball into his own net. Guys, if we somehow stay up, you two will be fighting for our player of the season award. 

BOOOO!!! 

Give that man a medal... It's not often that a substitute gets a standing ovation as he takes to the pitch. In fact, as Gianvito Plasmati found out to his cost, some fans are more likely to boo our own players. (Come on guys, let's get off the lanky Italian's back. You wouldn't heckle a bowl of spaghetti bolognese before you even take a bite of it, would you? Even if every previous time you've eaten spaghetti bolognese it's made you violently ill.) 

Anyway, I'm talking the rapturous reception afforded to Lloyd James. And what a joy it was to see the return of a central midfielder who can pass the ball in a direction other than sideways or backwards. 

Taxi for... Chris Dagnall. Now, I'm not questioning the Scouse striker's hamster-in-a-wheel work-rate. But I am questioning the fact that Dagnall seems to have developed a nasty habit of hitting the woodwork when presented with a gaping open goal. He did it twice today (and once against Yeovil and once against Barnsley). And if we're going to get out of this relegation mess, we're going to need the striker to start burying his chances. Either that or we need to play Port Vale every week. 

"Fuck the technical shit"... Clearly our illustrious president Sr Becchetti has no confidence in Fabio Liverani's ability to motivate his team and today decided to take matters into his own hands. What happened was this: Darius Henderson turned up four hours late to the game after getting stuck in traffic, a fitting metaphor for the timing of his runs into the box on the football pitch. 

Presuming that the striker needed some sort of kick up his sizeable arse, the president issued instruction to matchday announcer Philip Othen to ironically thank him during the half-time announcements. ON WHAT FOOTBALLING PLANET IS THIS OK? That's right, Planet Orient. Next week: president Becchetti orders Gary Sawyer to sit on a naughty step for turning up to training with his shirt hanging out. 

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Magnanimous effort from the lads today..." wrote hipster keeper Adam Legzdins, almost certainly meaning "magnificent" not "magnanimous", unless he truly was heralding his teammates' generosity in forgiving an insult. 

Or maybe he was? Perhaps he'd mocked them for buying coffee at Starbucks or not knowing the difference between milk stout and porter ale? Who even knows anymore? Tune in next week for more from the psychedelic world of Leyton Orient... *Twilight Zone music* 

GUEST POST! Port Vale 3 Leyton Orient 0, 25/10/14

Curiously, there's no "port" and no "vale" anywhere near Port Vale. Apparently it's not even a place at all. Despite all this, guest blogger Andy Brown managed to locate Orient somewhere in deepest, darkest Staffordshire. Probably wishes he hadn't bothered, mind. Here's his take on the game... 

Orient's rearguard action? Not so much

A game in which… The form book suggested that Orient would continue their bizarre record of winning away in grim northern towns following their surprising victory over Doncaster in the week. Only it didn’t pan out like that, as a ten-man Orient – far from putting in a dogged Rorke’s Drift rear-guard action – folded like a cheap tent to give Vale the easiest game they’ll play all season. 

Jump off your seat moment… Darius Henderson, who always goes up for headers flapping his arms about like a pig trying to fly, managed to earn himself a red card. None of us wanted to be there in the cold and rain either, but you didn’t see us getting ejected just to ride shotgun out of Stoke-on-Trent.

Give that man a medal… A tough call as nobody covered themselves in glory, but Gary Woods made a good save at 0-0 and Shane Lowry and Scott Cuthbert did their best in an otherwise poor defence. Dean Cox gave Orient a real lift when he came on, but the injury list is now so long that for Tuesday's game against Preston we may see Kevin Dearden on the (reinforced) bench.  

Taxi for… Plenty of shocking performances today, but the midfield in particular was non-existent, with no Vincelot or long term absentee Lloyd James. The “Marvin Bartley masquerading as a footballer” joke is wearing very thin, and the “Jobi McAnuff can’t be arsed for his five-figure-a-week salary” joke is even less amusing. To paraphrase the great Franz Beckenbauer: “Woods apart, you could take all of them, put them in a bag and hit them with a stick. Whoever got hit would deserve it”

“Fuck the technical shit”… In his post-match interview, Orient’s interim manager Kevin Nugent showed more evasiveness than an eel covered in oil. Apparently Orient didn’t start well, didn’t make tackles and would hope to have done better with ten men. No surprise then that the next day he was demoted from "acting-interim-caretaker-head-coach" to simply "coach", with ex-sporting director Mauro Milanese now in the driving seat. 

Burslem by day 

Meanwhile in a place not called Port Vale… Burslem may well look like a setting for The Walking Dead, which probably explains why Orient always do badly at Port Vale when it’s daylight, and they can see where they are. But it surprised me to learn from a friend and Staffordshire native that the Red Lion pub is in fact on the Robbie Williams heritage trail tour. No wonder he hit the drugs hard! It looks more to me like a guaranteed chance of getting stabbed, so someone is having a laugh!

Leyton Orient moments of the season 2013/14

Whatever happens in the play-offs, this has been a season to remember for Orient fans. Here some of them pick out their highlights so far...


When David Mooney felt "Glad All Over"

"I have to say my highlight of the season was away at Swindon. With the PA still waiting for the final bars of 'Glad All Over' to finish while announcing Swindon’s goalscorer, Mooney was busy applying the finish to make it 1-1. I don't think they were feeling 'Glad All Over' after that - particularly when one of their fans swung a punch at Jonesy."

Laurie Hann. Read Laurie’s Orient blog Hannover And Out 

Jump around!

"My favourite moment so far this season is without doubt Peterborough away. I got goosebumps watching 60- and 70-year old men getting up and singing with us."

Frank Bish

Romain the Lionheart

"Not often are the Orient crowd treated to a display of passion and true grit as they were when Romain Vincelot, bursting with Gallic flair and an impressive beard, did his best lion impression against Hull City in the second round of the Capital One Cup. Beating his chest and roaring at the West Stand crowd, Vincelot showed how passionate he was, not only about winning the game but also preserving the boys 100 per cent record from the start of the season.

"Romain has proved to be a big hit amongst the fans throughout the season and this was easily my favourite moment from him. I’ve seen many gestures from the Orient players since but this had to be the best."

Evy Stark

Batt batters big club

"It has to be when Shaun Batt came on away at Brentford and put those smug mugs in their place!"

Julian Lloyd-Webber. Hear more from Orient's number one celebrity fan

When we all became Lisbians...

"Kevin Lisbie’s winning goal against Port Vale in September. Orient’s perfect record was under threat as the Valiants had made it 2-2 early in the second half, but just when it looked like the Os would drop points for the first time, Lisbie grabbed the winner in the 88th minute. Not only did the goal keep Orient’s unprecedented start intact, it was also Lisbie’s 100th career goal.

"However, the goal is of even greater significance to me because it encapsulates the spirit around the club this season. The players celebrated the goal in among the Orient fans, showing the strong connection between the team and the supporters. Furthermore, the Os had to come from behind after initially going a goal down and they fought until the end to claim the victory, epitomising this season’s mantra: ‘This group never gives up’."

James Mealing. Read James’s blog Total Orient

Running with the Wolves

“I’d go with the consensus and say Peterborough away - perhaps the most accomplished away performance I’ve ever seen Orient turn in - but my girlfriend is a Posh fan and said game was thus capped by the most miserable Nandos visit ever. Instead I’ll go with Wolves away. Sure, it was a bit like The Alamo, and debutant goalie Jake Larkins most likely still wakes up screaming in the night about men in gold shirts running at him. But somehow we got away with it and it was delicious. Honorable mention: Mathieu Baudry wearing his head bandage all winter despite nothing really being wrong with him, he just thought it looked cool. And it did.”

James McMahon

Bosnia's number one

"I think it has to be Eldin. Never has a man been so passionate about doing his job. The way he would make a save and then roar at the South Stand was just amazing. I also loved it when we were winning against Colchester and a steward was about to throw the ball back to him and he screamed at him to drop it and leave it where it was. Essentially he was a bit mental but he was fucking brilliant. So his brief but brilliant stay has been my highlight. I actually enjoyed teams having shots at our goal!"

Adam Meagher

James on target

"The penalty brace from Lloyd James against Swindon in February is what stands out from the 2013/14 season. It fills me with dread. Since then Orient haven’t been awarded a single penalty. Not from lack of trying though (I’m looking at you David Mooney).

"Play-offs are sometimes decided by penalty shoot-outs. I can’t name an Orient fan who could name the team’s current penalty taker, let alone five of them. Matty Lockwood, he will always be first choice. Any player in a Lockwood mask would be an acceptable compromise for me.

"Ask again in the beginning of June for my season stand outs and I’ll deliver. Tales of Moses and Cox. Being a practising Lisbian. For now, I’m having nightmares imagining the referee pointing to the penalty spot at Wembley. Five minutes to go. The game is tied. Robbie Simpson picks up the ball and I wake up screaming!"

Robert de Mander. Read Robert’s blog View From Downstream

Heads up, Kev!

"The standout football moment for me was Super Kev's flying header against Gillingham. It confirmed that he was back on top form and to me it summed up all the hopes and dreams of the club in one moment."

Lin Wells

The return of Bosnia’s number one

"It has to be the first game back in Eldin's second era, against Preston. A very defining moment of our season having him back - he only let in a handful of goals (most of which he had a hand to anyway) in his time. After the Jalal hiccup against Bristol City, felt great to have him back. Loved by all and gutted for him not to be in the Bosnia World Cup squad."

Ellen Kaye

Away day magic

"My favourite two games of the season have got to have been Brentford and Peterborough away. Brentford was a really good atmosphere on the terrace and we maintained our 100 per cent start. Didn't expect to beat Brentford especially being on Sky and previous times we have been there and been disappointed! Peterborough away for me was definitely the away performance of the season - hope we can repeat it Saturday. Mooney was excellent, but I think as a team at Peterborough we showed why we were up there. We looked solid and so good going forward!"

Hannah Smeeton

Nathan's tackle 

"In a season like no other in terms of quality and quantity of goals, I'm going to be contrary and pick a non-goal, in fact one of the most memorable preventions of a goal I can recall - Nathan Clarke's tackle on Clayton Donaldson just before half-time against Brentford. Our first seven straight wins of the season were mostly pretty emphatic - the thumping statement our win at Carlisle sent out, or the elegant slicing apart of Notts County. 

"But Brentford away, game number eight, was the toughest on the lot, and boy did it feel like it in that first half when the Bees really came at us. It looked like our resistance was going to break in the 43rd minute when the ever-tricky Clayton Donaldson barged his way through our defence and deep into the penalty area with only the keeper to beat. From nowhere Clarke zoomed across and whipped the ball from the striker's feet without coming close to fouling - from a player not always known as the most graceful, the timing and guts was astonishing. The game turned our way after that."

Tom Davies 

And finally...

"My favourite moment of the season is yet to come I believe..."

James Masters