The 10 good things about the 2014/15 season

Cheer up you miserable fuckers. Just because we got relegated, have alienated all our players, have an uncertain future and are the laughing stock of the football world, it’s not all bad. In fact, there were plenty of good things about his season. Well, ten anyway, if you really scrape the bottom of a barrel. Here they are… 

1. The arrival of the most handsome man in football. If not the world… 

It's a novel approach for a football club to employ a professional interpreter and then ask him to be goalkeeping coach in his spare time. But never mind that, for it was enough to stare into Rob Gagliardi's dreamy eyes and be beguiled by his long, flowing locks as he calmly translated the demented ramblings of Fabio Liverani into English. Gagliardi is possibly one of the reasons the Orient players were entirely unable to concentrate throughout each game, for if someone that thunderingly handsome is delivering the team talk who can blame them for taking to the pitch with all sorts of conflicting emotions?

2. The second coming of Marvin Bartley 

There’s only one Orient player who can claim to have had a better season than last, and that’s Marvin Bartley, baby. The reason is that for the midfielder to have had a worse season than last, he’d have had to have scored 47 own goals or accidentally sliced off Kevin Lisbie’s legs with a kitchen knife. Still, improvement must be applauded and there were few sights as thrilling this season as Marvin Bartley bludgeoning his way through the midfield towards goal and almost certain dispossession. If he keeps improving at this rate by 2032 we’re going to have a hell of a fifth-choice central midfielder in our squad. 

3. The hallucinogenic madness of the man of the match awards

Dagnall: played out of his skin

In seasons past a couple of representatives from the matchday sponsors would rock up at Brisbane Road, try to be polite about the quality of the food in Theo’s restaurant and then award the man of the match to Dean Cox. Job done. Not this season though, where the man of the match awards have become some sort of avant-garde parody of the club. Against Crewe, for example, Chris Dagnall scored about 11 goals, made 39 assists and played out of his skin to such an extent he was tearing around the pitch in a blur of veins, arteries and mucus. Despite all that, the sponsors gave the man of the match award to Romain Vincelot, who was at the time back home watching his beard. 

4. The Orient podcasts

E10 Mess and a walking, talking bad hair day 

It’s typical isn’t it. You wait forever for an Orient podcast then four turn up at once. But what a pleasure it was to follow our catastrophe of a season in the company of Orient Ramble, E10 Mess, Orient Outlook and Whipps Cross Weekly. Each had its own unique charm – E10 Mess’s hilarious tribute songs; Whipp Cross Weekly’s incisive analysis; Orient Outlook’s revealing interviews; and Orient Ramble’s lengthy diversions into the merits of various savoury snacks – and each deserves a lot of credit for the amount of effort put in by their creators. 

5. The enigma of Gianvito Plasmati

Gianvito Plasmati 

If there’s one player who can hold his head up high this season, it’s Gianvito Plasmati. Only in the literal sense though: he's 6ft 6in. He introduced himself to Brisbane Road by emitting a bloodcurdling scream and poleaxing himself to the ground after hearing a whispered insult from a Preston midfielder. It went downhill from there, though it’s hard to dislike a guy who despite his many limitations played each game with all the bounding enthusiasm of a retarded cocker spaniel. He’ll probably tear up League Two.

6. The comeuppance of Jamie Jones and George Porter

Whatever possessed Jamie Jones to send (and then hastily delete) a tweet goading the fans of the club that gave him his chance in professional football and paid his wages for six seasons? Probably amoeba-like levels of stupidity. Still, the last laugh was on us as the goalkeeper was unceremoniously shipped out on loan from Preston. See you in League Two, Scouse! George Porter, meanwhile, is a bell-end of monumental proportions, but after mocking his former club’s relegation was on the receiving end of this zinger from Craig Delew: “From Burnley to Maidstone, if Carlsberg did failed careers..." 

7. Tell ‘em about the honey, Andrea

Andrea Dossena

Remember Andrea Dossena's volleyed scissor kick from the touchline in his home debut? Well that was the solitary highlight of the ex-Liverpool star's season as he subsequently took it upon himself to try to single-handedly relegate the club with defending of the most kamikaze order. So it was with much mirth that Orient fans greeted the news that Dossena had been arrested over a jar of Harrods honey, entirely forgetting to pay for it almost as if he was supposed to be marking it at a corner. Thereon the jokes wrote themselves: “Hope he hires a good lawyer because he’s no good at defending himself.” And so forth.

8. The performances of Eldin Jakupovic Mk II

What’s the world record for the number of goals conceded by a football club in a single season? Well, whatever it is Orient would have beaten it in 2014/15 were it not for the magnificence of Alex Cisak. With a defence failing calamitously to get to grips with zonal marking, the goalkeeper must have felt like a president being assassinated by knife-wielding assailants while his bodyguards fiercely guarded random patches of ground nearby. That he is even spoken about in the same breath as Eldin Jakupovic is testament to his contribution. 

9. The die-hard fantaticism of Giulia Salemi 

Giulia Salemi has been a die-hard fan of Leyton Orient since birth and has religiously followed the fortunes of the club her whole life by sometimes reading the BBC Sport website. It was for this reason she was chosen as the co-host of the Italian reality show “Leyton Orient". Coincidentally she is also a former Miss Italia and a model of some repute. Coincidentally she also just fired her agent. What to make of all of this? Well, why don’t you ask her yourself? She’s bound to be in the Coach and Horses before our key relegation clash with Barnet next season. 

10. The ever-patient Orient fans

Yes, that’s you lot. In a season in which the club didn’t bother to communicate, collaborate or try to win any matches the vast majority of Orient fans have shown vast wells of resilience and good humour. 1-0 down against Rochdale away, staring down the barrel of League Two and you were still singing your hearts out. Nearly 1,000 of you turned up to watch Orient get relegated at Swindon. And even when you were frustrated, you showed it in a uniquely Orient way, as captured in the tweet of the season from Craig Rodhouse: “Only at Orient. A fan throws his season ticket at the bench on the last home game of the season. We know how to protest.” 

Leyton Orient 0 Doncaster Rovers 1, 14/4/15

A game in which... Orient decided to put the definition of insanity to the test in the second half by repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That involved repeatedly launching the ball long towards the opposition penalty area and expecting for something other than Rovers' gargantuan defender Rob Jones to head the ball away to safety.

It was truly bewildering to watch – especially given that in the first half the Os had knocked the ball about on the floor a bit and fashioned three big chances. Yeah, we missed all of them (no surprise there) and then conceded from a set piece (no surprise there) but thanks to results elsewhere somehow we're still not technically relegated (SURPRISE!).

Jump off your seat moment... The first-half moment when Darius Henderson performed the footballing equivalent of finding a needle in a haystack and somehow directed a point-blank strike straight at the Doncaster keeper when the whole goal was gaping at him. Still, let's be thankful for small mercies – at least he didn't pointlessly throw himself to the ground then kick the ball away to receive a yellow card. (He waited until the second half to do that.)

Give that man a medal... Now, Marvin Bartley has come in for some criticism in the past, mostly from a vocal minority consisting of everyone who's ever seen him play. But God knows the midfielder has improved of late and tonight – in the first half at least – was a battling presence and the source of some Orient's best attacking play. He also claimed the players were "disheartened" after the game, when perhaps we may have expected them to be "gutted", "mortified" or "livid". Still, at least they weren't just "a bit miffed".

Taxi for... He's only a youngster and can't be expected to single-handedly save Orient from relegation, but it wasn't Ryan Hedges's best night. And really there shouldn't be any excuse for the lack of ball control we saw tonight. I mean, it's not as if the manager is yelling incoherently towards him for the entire game, apparently trying to get him to move millimetres to the left or right. Oh, hang on...

"Fuck the technical shit"... which of course brings me to Fabio Liverani, who some might say displayed gung-ho bravado by throwing on four strikers at the death, while others might say, "But hey, if you take off both your wingers then who's left to pass the ball to them properly?" Yes, I'm still yet to see much evidence that the Italian has any idea what he's doing and he continues to spend each game micro-managing the marking at set pieces (hey, that went well!) rather than anything more visionary. Still, he said afterwards the lads are doing well in training, so it's not all bad news.

Meanwhile on Twitter... You think we've got it bad? Well, you'd be right. But not as bad as some Cardiff fans consider they've got it under Russell Slade. Here's one of the more amusing images accompanying the popular #SladeOut hashtag, as unearthed by Adam Meagher.

Leyton Orient 3 Yeovil Town 0, 14/3/15

Yeovil Town

A game in which... Orient coasted to a routine victory – assuming, that is, that your 'routine' involves torturing wounded and helpless kittens. Yep, it's difficult to describe quite how pitiful Yeovil were except to say that they were almost as wretched as the Orient side of about six weeks ago.

Still, you can only beat what's put in front of you and in fact the home team played some pretty enticing football, especially during a first half in which they could have legitimately been four or five-nil up. Tougher tests will come for Orient – tying their own shoelaces, for example, or naming a fruit beginning with the letter 'a'  – but the signs were positive today.

Jump off your seat moment... Marvin Bartley has the unenviable task of replacing the injured Romain Vincelot for the rest of the season, which is a bit like asking Stacey Solomon to stand in for Brigitte Bardot. But God knows the former and future window-fitter tried his little heart out and it was his run and lay-off that led to the second goal.

Give that man a medal... Excellent performances all round, but in particular from Baudry, Cuthbert, McAnuff, Dossena and Hedges. And of course Chris Dagnall, as ever, scuttled round incessantly like a cockroach on a hot tin roof. But let's take this moment to hail a classy performance by on-loan right back Luke O'Neill (or "Nell" as Liverani insists on yelling at him), who's brought some stability and attacking impetus to the flank since his arrival from Burnley.

Taxi for... There were no bad performances from anyone in an Orient shirt so let's instead focus on the Yeovil fan who, presumably figuring that life was no longer worth living if he had to watch a single second more of the Glovers, chose to scale the girders into the roof of the East Stand. Given that the ancient stand is now held together by nothing more than a couple of safety pins, some sellotape and the shattered dreams of Peterborough fans, it's a miracle he survived. Still, he got arrested and ejected from the ground, so will probably consider missing the second half worth his trouble.

"Fuck the technical shit"... One can only imagine the sheer force of will it took Fabio Liverani to not select a fit Bradley Pritchard, but in doing so he managed to send out a starting XI that attacked with some verve. So fair play to him. It's still difficult, mind, to tell how much tactical insight is going on in between all the frantic touchline arm-waving, but given we won let's at least assume that his semaphore isn't actively detracting from our performances.

Meanwhile on Instagram... Say hello to Giulia Salemi, former Miss Italy, Agon Channel presenter and die-hard Leyton Orient fan since as far back as last week. I had the pleasure of interviewing Giulia this evening in my own imagination and discovered that her all-time favourite Orient legend is Ryan Hedges; her favourite goal ever is Ryan Hedges' strike against Yeovil Town today; and in all her time supporting Orient the player she'd most like to date is Ryan Hedges.

Leyton Orient 0 Bradford City 2, 18/2/15

A game in which... Leyton Orient's players gave up defending for Lent. I'm joking of course – they actually gave up defending in August. Yep, after the false dawn of Saturday's victory over Chesterfield it was back to business as usual as a disorganised defence shipped their trademark two goals before half-time.

So that left the home side needing a miracle of Biblical proportions to overturn the deficit and I don't think even an omnipotent God has the power to defer victory on a team containing Bradley Pritchard and Marvin Bartley. Is there still hope of a resurrection? If Liverani is our saviour, I'm a devout unbeliever.

Jump off your seat moment... As a result of Fabio Liverani's innovative second-half tactic of "Just fucking lump it into the box and hope for the best, it's all I've got fellas" (translation courtesy of goalkeeping coach Rob Gagliardi) Orient did inadvertently force a couple of goal-mouth scrambles. Which was sort of mildly diverting in a similar way to observing someone struggle to keep their hat on in a strong wind, or watching a retarded puppy chasing its own tail. Which is something of a metaphor for... no, I can't even be bothered.

Give that man a medal... Various calls among Orient fans to make Marvin Bartley man of the match, which is a bit like awarding the Nobel Peace Prize to North Korea's Kim Jong-Un simply because he didn't happen to have anyone assassinated for 90 minutes on a Wednesday night. If it has to be someone, I'd give it to Omozusi.

Nathan Clarke had trouble against Hanson

Taxi for... Not the best night for Nathan Clarke who, due to a mistranslation of Fabio Liverani's instructions, was under the impression he was to be marking the 90s pop trio Hanson rather than the Bradford striker of the same name. Surely only this could explain why his performance hit such a low note?

"Fuck the technical shit"... Fabio Liverani continues to offer no evidence he has any idea what he's doing, which is perhaps to be expected given he has no experience, no track record and no knowledge of the league, the country, the players or the opposition. And what the hell is his aversion to Hedges? Did Liverani suffer some horrific gardening accident while practising topiary back in Italy? And why is he so reluctant to play with any width? The players were trying out there on the pitch, but it was quite clear that the team selection, the tactics (or lack of), the organisation and the communication weren't right. Still, he's good at waving his arms about, so every cloud...

Meanwhile on Twitter... Nice work from the E10 Mess crew who created a series of Orient-themed Valentine's Day cards earlier this week. My personal favourite was this Gianvito Plasmati-inspired one which I intended to give to my wife, but found myself strangely rooted to the spot while she breezed past me, then I twisted my ankle as I reluctantly began to trudge after her. Coincidence? I think not.

GUEST POST! Chesterfield 2 Leyton Orient 3, 15/2/15

Guest blogger Andy Brown has spent most of this season trawling round bleak northern towns watching Orient lose away from home. God knows the guy is due some luck, and he duly got it at Chesterfield. Here's Andy's take on the Os' spectacular win... 

A game which… looked like it would be as painful as a prolonged BDSM session with Christian Grey. But rather than read the script and bow out tamely, Orient embraced the spirit of lurve on Valentine’s Day and spread it among the 285 hardy souls that travelled to deepest, darkest Derbyshire in what has been a very one-way relationship this season.

Yup, with seemingly endless months of negativity about the malaise at Orient, reinforced by desperate performances on the pitch, this game had everything previous games lacked: persistence, positivity and, most of all, spirit. After going down twice, the Os came back twice and snatched a winner deep into injury time: 50 shades of last season rather than this one.

Chesterfield goalkeeper Tommy Lee

Jump off your seat moment… Despite being met with howls of derision at his substitution for Josh Wright, it was that twinkle-toed football genius Marvin Bartley’s cross that resulted in a mistimed punch from Tommy Lee, 11 minutes into injury time, and a toe poke home from Dean Cox to send the away fans into delirium. Granted, he often looks confused with a ball at his feet, but this event probably needs a T-shirt. Expect to see Liverani play Bartley on the wing against Bradford now.

Give that man a medal… A tie between David Mooney and Dean Cox. Both players never stopped working and showed flashes of class (the former a few moments of ineptitude as well) that typified Orient’s determination not to lose today. A class finish from Mooney for the second of his two goals, and winner for Cox, this was more like the performances we were used to seeing last year. And not an overpaid Italian in sight!

Taxi for… Elliot Omozusi. Where to start? Mistimed two-yard passes going straight out of play, simple balls going straight through his legs, and one of the most bizarre own goals I have ever seen that put Orient 2-1 down. Not a good day at the office, although he improved after his own goal. His counterpart Sawyer played a more solid game on the other side. Now to get both full backs and centre backs playing well together…

“Fuck the technical shit” With Fabio Liverani’s apparent desire to see every facet of Orient’s play go through Bradley Pritchard, it was surprising to see other players involved today… not that the players can understand the team talks anyway. It’s hard to know what to make of the frantically gesticulating Italian. He obviously seems to care, but from wanting to bin 11 players one game to being proud of them the next, he is somewhat schizophrenic in his assessment of performances.  

Meanwhile on Twitter… It’s been hard to miss the circus at Orient over the course of the season. So what’s the best way to advertise the goings in at the club? With a circus poster of course! This was created by Os fan Keith Williams. Respect, sir. 

Johnstone's Paint Trophy: Leyton Orient 2 Northampton Town 0, 11/11/14

A game in which... the 48 fans that bothered to turn up saw things they wouldn't believe: an Orient player score a one-on-one, a Marvin Bartley goal, a home victory... And all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain. 

Yes, that's right readers, I'm almost certainly alienating 75% of you by trying to riff on the 1982 sci-fi film Blade Runner, but tonight did feel like a glimpse into the future. And by that I mean we'll probably fare ok when we're in League Two next season. Just kidding – actually there were signs of progress in a more solid defensive performance, an industrious display in midfield and encouraging interplay between strikers Simpson and Dagnall. Not quite time to die yet, then. (Here endeth the Blade Runner references.) 

Jump off your seat moment... A delightfully mazy run into the penalty box by Chris Dagnall at the start of the second half. He weaves left, he weaves right, he weaves left again, he briefly stumbles over his own Scouse accent, he breaks free on the edge of the six-yard box, he sets himself up for goal of the season... Oh, he's spooned his shot into the far corner of the south stand. Still, a great shift by the bearded goal-nipper. 

Give that man a medal... Now, Marvin Bartley was by no means the best player on the pitch tonight, but he possibly wasn't the worst and, by Christ, that's progress. A couple of his passes weren't backwards, a couple of his tackles weren't mistimed and – to top it all – he sealed victory with a well-taken goal that almost certainly wasn't a miscued cross. Do the Bartman? Yes I do. 

Taxi for... Gary Sawyer. Not because he played badly – he didn't – but because with the arrival of Champions League-pedigreed Andrea Dossena it looks like his days of being fifth-choice left-back after Omozusi, Lowry, Pritchard, Ling and Ada the kit man are numbered. Personally I always thought that when he wasn't being torn apart by Carl Baker he was pretty decent. Wanna make something of it? 

"Fuck the technical shit"... Mauro Milanese might just have saved his job with his first win in four attempts as Orient's caretaker-interim-temporary-manager. How did he do it? By playing the 11 fit professionals available to him mostly in their correct positions. But, joking aside, this was a markedly improved performance and from tiny seeds a mighty trunk may grow. Which begs the question: what the hell did he have planted in his head to explain that hair? 

Meanwhile on Twitter... For on-loan Orient midfielder Josh Wright there are many advantages to being the less-famous sibling to Mark Wright of The Only Way is Essex and Strictly Come Dancing and Jess Wright of The Only Way Is Essex and... well, just that. He gets VIP entry to Faces, Gants Hill, for example while lesser names such as, ooh, let's say Jimmy Smith, are left #fuming in the queue. But perhaps the best is that he gets Orient cup cakes made for him bearing his likeness, as seen in this photo he tweeted last week. Eat my face! 

Leyton Orient 1 Swindon Town 2, 4/10/14

Darius Henderson

A game in which... Orient's aggression, desire and passion made them extremely dangerous. Unfortunately that aggression, desire and passion was concentrated entirely into a five-second melee in added time that saw Dean Cox shout at Nathan Byrne's knee and Darius Henderson juggernaut himself into an unfortunate Swindon player who is now presumably extracting himself from the back of the West Stand. 

Other than that the Os were insipid, error-strewn and lacking in ideas. If this is the new dawn then perhaps we should have all stayed in bed.

Jump off your seat moment... The moment Jay Simpson was released on goal by a wayward Swindon back pass only to be called offside in direct contradiction of the actual rules of the game of football. One can only imagine what would have happened if the striker had been able to continue his run. I'll go out on a limb and say that he would have scuffed a weak shot into the corner flag. That's what you get if you take a gap year from your career to go backpacking round Thailand. 

Give that man a medal... Poor old Dean Cox. God knows he gave it his all today but one man alone cannot win football matches. At the moment the midfielder must feel a bit like Keith Richards trying to jam with the Leyton 1st district cub scouts brass band and Rochelle from the Saturdays. 

Taxi for... Now, it's easy to knock Marvin Bartley, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. I really can't imagine what the question is if he is the answer, unless it's "What would happen if you asked a qualified window fitter with no previous experience of football to play in midfield for a League One club?" 

"Fuck the technical shit"... Presumably to put clear blue water between himself and his former boss, Kevin Nugent opted to tinker with his formation throughout the game, starting with a 4-2-3-1, moving back to 4-4-2, giving 7-2-3-4 a bash, reverting to a 8-0-0-7-1 then seeing how he fared with 0-1-9-8-2. None of this had any discernible effect so he instead resorted to trying to substitute Chris Dagnall 20 minutes after he'd already brought him off. 

Let's face it, Nuge – a decent and loyal guy – probably isn't the right person to sort this whole sorry mess out. When you have a mess of this size, you need someone with proper experience of waste management. Oh, hang on... 

Meanwhile on Twitter... Hats off to James Turley for producing this meme referencing the infamous moment last season when a Swindon pitch invader tried to attack Jamie Jones. Still, there was no such nonsense from Robins fans this time round. Instead they tried to set fire to the East Stand twice and then one have-a-go-hero tried to take on eight of the Metropolitan Police's finest. Top work lads! 

Johnstone's Paint Trophy: Peterborough United 2 Leyton Orient 3, 2/9/14

Orient's formation tonight 

A game in which... Russell Slade didn't just rip up the football book of tactics, but doused it in petrol, set it alight and scattered its burning embers over the London Road turf. Yes, by fielding four central defenders, four central midfielders and two centre forwards, the manager played a team so lacking in width that it was like watching 11 players do the conga for 90 minutes.

Not that it prevented Orient recording a relatively straightforward victory over the league leaders – despite playing much of the second half with only 10 men – and there were plenty of signs that things are going in the right direction this season.

Jump off your seat moment... The moment that led to Orient's second goal when Lloyd James released Chris Dagnall with an outside-of-the-boot pass so sublime it was almost as if he actually meant it. Just kidding: this was no accident and was the leek-flavoured icing on the Welsh cake of a superb performance by Orient's midfield playmaker.

Give that man a medal... Despite Lloyd James's heroics and another commanding display by Gary Woods, it was Chris Dagnall who swiped the man-of-the-match fake Champagne tonight – and for good reason. The little Scouse terrier was a constant menace, scoring two goals and setting up the other. But don't listen to me, hear it from the man himself in his post-match interview in which he screeched: "Laaaaaaa wheeee laaaa eeeee llaaaa wheee laaa laaaa llama whee." Or something like that.

Don't worry Marvin, there's always this...

Taxi for... Oh Marvin Bartley. Stitched up like a kipper for Peterborough's first goal, wasteful in possession and demonstrating an alarming inability to control a football. It turns out the midfielder used to install double glazing for a living –  and he certainly continues to deliver twice the pane for Orient fans whenever he's on the pitch. Sorry.

"Fuck the technical shit"... What is Russell Slade's preferred staring XI? Well, it's September and still only one man knows the answer to this... so if anyone comes across that man can you ask him to tell Russell what it is. Woods or Legzdins in goal? Mooney or Henderson up front? Omozusi or Lowry at left back? Bartley or a packet of Monster Munch on the bench? Tough decisions for the manager.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Much consternation from Os fans tonight over the Sky Sports commentary team's relentless drooling over Peterborough. After the 34,000th mention of the fact that Posh have a relatively young team Kris Hood was moved to tweet this picture of their fresh-faced players. At one point co-commentator and professional idiot Garry Birtles got so over-excited he compared a Posh free kick to those of David Luiz. "Bit different because he plays for Peterborough and it went over the bar," deadpanned Os fan Edina. Touché.

A guide to Leyton Orient players on Twitter 2014/15

Do you ever wonder what goes on in a footballer's mind? No, of course you don't, because these days the contents of footballers' minds are sprayed onto Twitter in an indiscriminate stream of consciousness. Here I delve into the brains of Leyton Orient's top tweeters...  

Legzdins: "euphoric" 

Adam Legzdins @AdamLegzdins

What does Adam's Twitter feed tell us? That he likes David Brent, the weather and that if he didn't have the minor inconvenience of being a professional footballer he'd spend all summer wearing oversized sunglasses and gurning at the sunrise outside various Ibiza clubs. "Eric Prydz once again giving me that euphoric feeling" he wrote in July, presumably mashed off his head on Red Bull and plant food.

Key moment: "Selfies go against everything that teamhandsome stands for due to our understanding for such folk who aren't so facially blessed" tweeted Adam recently, with brazen disregard for the hundreds of selfies he'd already posted. The new Jimmy Smith? Absolutely not. Adam has a healthy sense of irony. Smith thought irony was a brand of bodybuilding supplements.

Battman: oily 

Shaun Batt @BATTman_14

What does Shaun's Twitter feed tell us? That between DJ-ing, being photographed in his pants and wearing socks/shorts combos to festivals it's a wonder he has time to fit in the 20 minutes of football he is afforded by Russell Slade each week.

Key moment: "I went and got extremely drunk as my season is now over what do you want me to do sit at home crying into my pillow??" wrote Shaun after the play-off final defeat - not unreasonably - while skulling his 48th Jäger-bomb.

Lloyd James @LloydJames23

What does Lloyd's Twitter feed tell us? That, when he's not "doing bantz" with his team mates over their golfing abilities, he's drooling with pleasure over the placement of power outlets: "Best thing in a hotel is when there is a plug socket nex to the bed!!" he tweeted ecstatically last year. Next: Lloyd weeps with joy when he discovers his fridge light turns off when he shuts the door.

Key moment: "Just wen it couldn't get worse" tweeted Lloyd two days after the play-off final, leading fans to assume that the club had not offered him a new contract. Luckily the Welshman put our minds at rest with this: "Sorry I should of made my tweet more Pacific it's not football related". Still, anyone who pulls him up on his grammatical error is just being Atlantic. Sorry, I mean pedantic.

Cuthbert: angry

Scott Cuthbert @ScottCuthbert15

What does Scott's Twitter feed tell us? That if you think the Scotsman is hard on the pitch, that's nothing compared to the stone-cold terror with which he reigns social media. "Could you keep all the 'love of my life' and 'love you so much baby' chat down to a minimum," he raged recently, "nearly thrown up in my wheetabix twice."

Key moment: During Children In Need last year Jamie Jones - with admirable intentions - said he'd donate £1 for every retweet he got. Minutes and multiple retweets later he backtracked and tweeted "£1,000 limit reached". Cuthbert was straight on his case, writing: "I will give @jamiejones1 £1 for every retweet this gets, poor guys skint" and then following it up seconds later with: "Sorry my £1 limit has been reached, thanks for the retweets." Lolz.

Marvin Bartley @dothebartman1

What does Marvin's Twitter feed tell us? That if you're interested in detailed regular traffic updates from the Reading area, then Marvin is the man to follow. "The workmen who left the traffic cones out on the A329 need their heads testing! #HugeCockUp" is the sort of thing you can expect. The fun never starts.

Key moment: "People who drive in the middle lane when no cars to their left seriously annoy me! #MostlyWomenDrivers lol" wrote Marvin in April, almost as if he was a struggling stand-up comedian from the 1970s.

Dean Cox @Dean_7Cox

What does Dean's Twitter feed tell us? Everything, pretty much, because Tiny is Orient's most prolific tweeter and a man unafraid to reveal the most intimate details of his life. Want to see a photo of Coxy mowing the lawn? You got it! How about Coxy having a massage? You got that too! What next, Coxy and his fiancee wearing matching animal-themed onesies? Yep, that too...

Key moment: "Walking round the house like I have shit myself this morning." Okay...

Mathieu Baudry @MathBaudry5

What does Mathieu's Twitter feed tell us? That the Frenchman is Orient's philospher-in-residence: "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up," he tweeted after the play-off final. A quote from Descartes? Sartre? Chumbawumba? No, American football coach Vince Lombardi actually. But Mathieu is certainly prone to his own moments of existential angst: "Football is shit sometimes" he mourned wistfully in April, presumably shortly after Robbie Simpson's loan deal was extended.

Key moment: "3days before miami!! Any tips of what to do or see there?" tweeted Mathieu earnestly before his American holiday last year. Fellow countryman Romain Vincelot had some blunt advice: "Please go there and stay there" to which Mathieu responded simply "haha u french twat". Touché.

Gillingham 1 Leyton Orient 2, 26/12/13

Orient defend a corner

A game in which... due to suspensions, injuries, loss of form and excessive mince pies, Orient were forced to put out a team patched up with sticky tape, Blu-Tac and - worse - Marvin Bartley. No surprise, then, that they were 1-0 down after 0.4 seconds.

It went downhill from there - a missed penalty, more injuries, Marvin Bartley - and despite the fact that Gillingham were showing all the ambition of an X-Factor auditionee who hasn't even bothered to invent a tear-jerking back story, it looked like Orient would be going home pointless.

The fact that they ended up victorious is massive. Yes, champions win games even when they play badly, and it's a huge testament to the spirit and resolve in the camp at the moment that Orient were able to drag out three points from the very depths of footballing hell. (Ok, I'm exaggerating a little...) 

Moment of magic... A no-look, defence-splitting reverse pass by the immense Dean Cox which, had this been a Premier League match, would have been read perfectly by the likes of Luis Suarez or Sergio Aguero and resulted in a certain goal. As it was, it left a stunned Moses Odubajo standing stock still on the touchline looking back at Cox with an expression of bemused wonderment, almost as if he'd never seen a human man under 4ft 7in before.

Adebayo Akinfenwa

Moment of madness... Every single moment (there were lots of them, including Gillingham's goal) when Mathieu Baudry was outjumped by Adebayo Akinfenwa. Which is really quite a feat on Baudry's part given that the journeyman striker has all the spring in his step of a concrete tower block. Next week: Orient's bemused Frenchman loses a game of paper, scissors, stone to an oak tree.

Top gun... Larkins looked solid, Omozusi was good in the second half and Clarke had another decent game, but standing head and shoulders above everyone (figuratively speaking, obviously) was Dean Cox. Moved to the tip of a diamond in the second half, Tiny was everywhere and pretty much won the game for Orient through sheer force of will.

Marvin Bartley

Little donkey... Does Marvin Bartley's goal excuse all the skewed passes, poor positioning and mistimed tackles that populated the rest of his 90 minutes on the pitch? You might as well ask should we forgive Vlad the Impaler all the systematic torture on account of his luxuriant moustache? The answer is probably no.  

In the dug out... Credit to Russell for the tactical change in the second half (moving Cox into the middle), but what the hell was the manager doing giving Elliot Omozusi the responsibility of taking Orient's crucial penalty? True, the defender has converted a couple in shoot outs, but surely as a striker and senior pro Kevin Lisbie (who's only missed the one this season, against Crewe) shouldn't be hiding behind Adebayo Akinfenwa pretending to tie his shoelaces when so much is at stake. Our penalty record this season is appalling (we've missed four out of six in the league). Where's Matt Lockwood when you need him? 

View from the opposition... "Orient didn't deserve that! Shit team cheating diving tossers #robbed" wrote potty-mouthed Gillingham fan Shelley Brown. It's worth noting, however, that the Gills take to the pitch to the sound of Robbie Williams's Let Me Entertain You, a signature tune that on today's performance is about as appropriate as George Osbourne entering the next Conservative Party Conference to NWA's Straight Outta Compton.

Tweet of the week... Well done to eagle-eyed Dean Cox, who noticed that Romain Vincelot appears to have had his shirt number emblazoned onto his £7.99 Primark high-tops, Cristiano Ronaldo-style. Expect the French midfielder to launch his own range of underwear and open a museum to himself in the coming weeks.