Leyton Orient 0 Accrington Stanley 1, 31/10/15

A game in which... the entire Orient team scooped out their own brains with a spoon and placed candles inside their empty skulls in an apparent attempt to give Accrington a Halloween scare. It didn't work: the visitors needed no tricks and treated themselves to the easiest three points they're likely to get all season.

With ghastly defending, horrific attacking and an eerie absence of tactics, this was a bloodcurdling performance from Ian Hendon's team. Yes, the league table says we're still in the play-off places, but 11 points in the last 11 games paints a truer picture of the scale of our gruesome predicament.

Jump off your seat moment... Orient had one clear-cut chance in the entire game. One. Tragically that chance fell to Connor Essam, who would likely not score a goal were he to play football infinitely in a time-space continuum. Now, I'm not saying Essam has a head like a 50p piece, because that would be a hideous slur on a 50p piece, which can theoretically only spin a ball off in one of seven random directions. But there really is little point in the defender coming up for corners if – like today – he can't convert into an open net from two yards.

Essam and Baudry 

Give that man a medal... Dean Cox had to spend only another pointless 30 minutes or so on Ian Hendon's naughty step before the manager introduced him to the pitch, albeit bizarrely in place of the one player – John Marquis – who'd looked vaguely effective in the opening salvos of the game. And, God knows, once there the winger tried his little heart out, but must have felt like he'd arrived late at a Halloween party at which all his friends were taking their zombie costumes a bit too literally.

Taxi for... "Bradley Pritchard is a central midfielder and that's where he'll play," lied Ian Hendon at the start of the season before repeatedly sticking the former Charlton man out on the right where – as numerous former Orient managers have discovered and yet bizarrely ignored – he is utterly ineffective. The gaffer has now tried 4,567 different formations in his 18 games in charge, all of which contain both Pritchard and his footballing doppelgänger Sammy Moore in one guise or another. Unless Hendon knows of some ancient curse that says the hounds of hell will be unleashed on Brisbane Road should the pair ever be separated, it might be an idea to try dropping one of them.

In the dug out... Now, I am not suggesting that Ian Hendon should be sacked. (Though Becchetti pulled the trigger on Russell Slade for a run of results far less damaging than the current one.) But it would be helpful if the manager could give fans the slightest sense that he actually knows what he's doing rather than reverting to Liverani-esque behaviour such as inexplicably dropping star performers; publicly blaming his players in post-match press conferences; and double training sessions. What next: "Big house in the box"? The return of Gianvito Plasmati?

Meanwhile on Facebook... It's half-time and you're enjoying a Brisbane Road burger (ok, stay with me on this, you're going to have to use a bit of imagination). You need a little sit down, and where better to do it than the opposition dug out, as the fan in this video proves. Minutes later a pair of ever-vigilant stewards intervene, although should the interloper have chosen the home dug out they probably wouldn't have bothered. Tactically he may have done a better job than Ian Hendon in the second half...

Leyton Orient 1 Wycombe Wanderers 1, 19/9/15

Action from Orient v Wycombe  

A game in which... Wycombe were so willing to wrestle Orient players to the ground yet feign injury at the mildest retaliation it would be no surprise if their entire squad were issued with spandex leotards and signed up for WWE Smackdown. I say this with only a little bit of massive disrespect because in many ways this was a consummate League Two performance from the away team and Orient were unable to match it for much of the game.

Luckily Ian Hendon has a plan B, which any idiot can see is much, much better than his plan A. So with the diamond ditched, substitute Ollie Palmer in immense form and the continued brilliance of Jay Simpson the Os managed to salvage a point. Can't complain when we're still top of the table, but Orient are going to need to better get to grips with the physical side of League Two if they're going to stay there.

Jump off your seat moment... There have been few times in Orient's history when fans could with near-certainty predict that if a striker had sight of goal, he'd score. Personally speaking I usually took the moment an Orient front man was put clean through as a cue to go get a cup of Bovril. No longer, for Jay Simpson is the lethal finisher we've been craving for years and today took his goal with typical panache.

"Stone Cold" Ollie Palmer 

Give that man a medal... If Wycombe Wanderers were pretenders to the WWE then Ollie Palmer was the real deal: a Stone Cold Steve Austin of League Two. In the 45 minutes that he was on the pitch the chiselled man-giant put in one of the most commanding, physical performances seen at Brisbane Road since the time Jonathan Tehoue piled in on Marc Laird for taking a spoonful of his half-time trifle.

Taxi for... The young lad – no doubt fuelled by nitrous oxide or insect urine or whatever it is the youth take for kicks these days – who decided to invade the pitch in the second half. Curiously no steward appeared to deem it necessary to intervene until it was finally left to a fluorescent-jacketed 92-year-old to stagger in slow motion towards the interloper, a scene eerily reminiscent of the entire Orient career of James Scowcroft.

"Come on Bradley, I'm sure you can manage 60 minutes"

In the dugout... Today Ian Hendon did not select Bradley Pritchard. Let that sink in for a moment, for it is the first time in Orient's 134-year history that the midfielder has not started and finished a game. Admittedly the former Charlton man was injured, but that didn't stop Fabio Liverani playing him on the wing on one occasion with two broken legs, third-degree burns and chlamydia. Man up Hendon! Aside from that, the manager claimed he was "delighted" with his team's performance, suggesting perhaps he was stuck in traffic until the 70th minute.

Meanwhile on Twitter... George Porter has been called up for England! No, not in his own mind. No, not on Fifa 16. Like, for real. Yep, the "Non-League Messi", as he's often referred to by no one but himself, got a call up to England C this week and wasted no time in boasting about it on Twitter. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Except Jamie Jones I suppose...

Cambridge United 1 Leyton Orient 1, 12/9/15

"I think they're giant cats, Maureen" 

A game in which... Leyton Orient's urban-dwelling fans were utterly bemused by the sight of a herd of cows outside of Cambridge's Abbey Stadium. Were they giants cats? Radioactive guinea pigs? And why was a bloke who looked suspiciously like David Mooney trying and failing to hit them on the arse with a banjo?

While this confusion reigned, a football match broke out – to some extent anyway. Orient dominated for certain periods and probably should've scored more, but without the benched Dean Cox the quality of the final ball was noticeably lacking. A point away from home is never a disaster, but it's fair to say this wasn't a game that'll live long in the... what was I saying again?

Jump off your seat moment... The exquisite, floated pass from Mathieu Baudry – performed totally blindfolded – that put Jay Simpson through to score Orient's equaliser. Worth mentioning too how well the Frenchman and Connor Essam are complementing each other in central defence: Baudry the footballing equivalent of an evening of foie gras, Châteauneuf-du-Pape and a discourse on the merits of Descartes; Essam more 14 pints of Fosters, a curry and a visit to A&E.

Give that man a medal... Bradley Pritchard is apparently going to play every single second of every single Orient match until the end of time. But at the moment that is no bad thing for the midfielder is proving the value of having someone run around a lot and play very short passes to nearby team mates. Once again the former Charlton man was instrumental in much of the Os' more forthright football.

Frazer Shaw 

Taxi for... So far he's been excellent but today wasn't the best day for Frazer Shaw. Once past the halfway line, the left back's powers seemed to drain from him, like Superman faced with Kryptonite; Indiana Jones in a pit of snakes; or Francesco Becchetti in the company of an Albanian law-enforcer. The fine young player that he is, Shaw will come good again though.

In the dug out... With Coxy carrying a knock, Ian Hendon reverted to a formation often favoured by Fabio Liverani: the four central midfielder classic. Where the current manager differed from his predecessor is that a) he didn't also select four central defenders b) he's not insane. And while fans might liked to have seen Blair Turgott given more time on the pitch, the fact we're still sitting on top of the league table suggests Hendon does still have some idea what he's doing.

Meanwhile in the press room... Robbie Simpson cupcakes! I kid you not, and Orient commentator Dave Victor had the photographic evidence to prove it. They reportedly came in two flavours: mediocrity and despair, and fell to pieces as soon as they got anywhere near your mouth. *taps microphone* *winks*

Leyton Orient 3 Stevenage 0, 18/8/15

A game in which... Orient stared League Two in the face and said "You're not as hard as you think
you are, pal. And you can give me my dinner money back too." Yep, this tough, well-disciplined Stevenage side were a good indication of the type of school bullying we can expect in this division but the Os matched them in intensity during the first 70 minutes, albeit without fully hitting their stride.

That all changed in the final 20 minutes when Orient blew away the opposition with some breathtaking attacking and three goals: one good, another excellent and another that's already contender for goal of the season. Go straight to the top of the class Blair Turgott. And stop picking your nose.

Deano bringing his mazy run to a conclusion 

Jump off your seat moment... So many to choose from, not least Blair Turgott's aforementioned screamer – volleyed straight in from a Sean Clohessy cross, itself a volley – but let's focus instead on the moment Dean Cox decided to dribble around the entire Stevenage team 42 times each. Had he been able to finish from his ridiculously mazy run, it would have been the best goal scored by anyone in any sport in all time. Instead he decided that the only fitting coup de grâce would be to cut a couple of breakdancing moves on the penalty spot while the ball bobbled away to safety. Still, great helicopter.

Give that man a medal... Comparing Bradley Pritchard's performances of this season with last is like comparing the complete works of Beethoven to the sound of a spoilt six-year-old screeching for more sugar while repeatedly scraping her fingernails down a blackboard. And then vomiting. Tonight the former Charlton man made sweet, sweet music in midfield with another display that hit the right notes. (Honourable mentions too to Sean Clohessy and Sammy Moore.)

Taxi for... Dean Wells. It was certainly a novel move on Stevenage's part to place a convicted football hooligan in their squad and tonight the defender came up against the team whose fans he'd fought outside Liverpool Street Station in 2010. It seemed, however, that without his firm to back him up, Wells the Hooligan was all mouth and no Stone Island trousers. With the might of Ollie Palmer bearing down on him in injury-time he ran for cover, stumbled over then lay on the ground trembling in fear as the Orient striker slotted the ball into the net. Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough? Oh, you're not.

In the dugout... Given that he's now selected the same XI for three League games running, it would be easy to describe Ian Hendon as the polar opposite of Fabio Liverani. But then again, it would be easy to describe anyone with even the faintest notion that football is a sport in which eleven players try to get a ball into their opponents' net the polar opposite to Fabio Liverani. What is evidently true is that the new manager has engendered a team spirit and has got the squad enjoying playing football. Something that only the most depraved of masochists could have said of last season.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Respect to Pór Bæring Ólafsson for travelling all the way from Iceland – the country, not the shop – to watch his beloved Leyton Orient. He got to meet Francesco Becchetti, but it wasn't all bad because Pór also rubbed shoulders with Paul McCallum and witnessed the Os in superb form. What a top geyser. (Yeah, sorry, my Iceland material is pretty limited.)

Leyton Orient 2 Barnet 0, 8/8/15

A game which... was preceded by a sort of 80s rock band reunion version of the Cheery Os, which saw Francseco Becchetti, Alessandro Angelieri, Ian Hendon and two other random blokes take to the pitch. But just as quickly as fans thought "Hey, I didn't know Flock of Seagulls had reformed" and meted out a mild ripple of token applause, they were gone again.

If we were underwhelmed by that, then the first half really let us down when Orient were out-muscled by a physical, if profligate, Barnet side and it became apparent there was a huge Romain Vincelot-shaped vortex in the middle of the pitch. But in the second 45 minutes the home side were transformed, almost as if the half-time team talk was delivered in the English language, and put the opposition under the cosh with some neat passing and attacking verve. Seeds of promise, then...

Jump off your seat moment... What a joy it was in Orient's first chance of the game to see Paul McCallum rather than David Mooney clean through on goal. "At least he's not just going to try to chip the keeper," thought every fan who'd been exasperated by our former striker's season-and-a-half's worth of failed lobs. Hearts sank when McCallum did actually try – and inevitably fail – to chip the keeper, though the new front man did redeem himself later when he stuck his laces through a fortunate rebound to put Orient 2-0 up. This is League Two lads – leave the showboating on the training ground.  

Give that man a medal... It's one of the immutable laws of physics that if Bradley Pritchard is within a five-mile radius of a football match his bodily matter will instantly teleport and rematerialise in the starting XI. And so it was with grinding inevitably that the fifth Orient manager in succession deemed the midfielder worthy of selection, and a typically lightweight first-half performance left fans once again scratching their heads as to why. In the second half, however, Pritchard showed what he could really do – which is play very short passes near the touchline to players better able to cross the ball. As such he was instrumental in both Orient goals and made a good case for further influence this season.

Martin Allen. That's not the sea: it's his sweat

Taxi for... Martin Allen. Although it would have to be a taxi in which the interior was entirely covered in water-resistant plastic tarpaulin, such was the rate at which sweat was cascading from every crevice of the Barnet manager's ample body. Particularly from his arse crack, interestingly, making his choice of beige chinos a particularly curious one. Either that or Mag Dog had genuinely shit himself at the prospect of facing Orient, which really would be a first for an opposition manager.

In the dugout... When Dean Cox finally departs this earth and is presumably playing in the Heaven FC first XI, what are the chances that even God thinks it's a good idea to play him at the tip of a diamond? And so it was that Ian Hendon – like every Orient manager before him – figured to himself: "Hey, Tiny is my best player so let's get him more involved and play him behind the strikers." NO, IAN, NO. THIS NEVER WORKS. It's like chucking a dwarf into the path of 11 onrushing juggernauts. Leave Coxy out wide, where he can do far more damage.

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Football is back!" tweeted an excitable Jamie Jones, almost as if he'd forgotten he's going to spend the whole season sitting on the bench. Still, that should leave him plenty of time to bait the fans of the club that paid his wages for five and half seasons, eh Scouse?

Leyton Orient 0 Notts County 1, 10/2/15

A game in which... Orient played like a ship without a rudder. Or an engine. Or an anchor. Or a captain. Or a crew. Or a map. Or a radio. Or a lifeboat... Obviously I could go on listing essential components of hazard-free sailing, but what I'm trying to illustrate is that this a club that is all at sea.

Or to put it non-nautically, this performance – or total lack of one – was evidence not only of certain relegation, but a deep, deep malaise running through every aspect of this football club. Now would be an appropriate time to make some sort of comparison between Orient and the Titanic, but I think that might be unfair on the Titanic.

Jump off your seat moment... The Orient fans were on their feet tonight for sure, but only to sing a vociferous rendition of "You don't know what you're doing" at Fabio Liverani for his bewildering substitution of Chris Dagnall. The Scouse striker was at least looking industrious – albeit in the manner of a barely-functioning steel works in a long-forgotten northern town.

Just think, Josh, you could have been
doing this instead... 

Give that man a medal... How Josh Wright must be ruing the day he told the producers of The Only Way Is Essex that he'd rather pursue his career as a professional footballer than join his brother and sister on the set of everyone's sixth-favourite ITV2 show. Don't get me wrong, Wright still played appallingly, just not quite as appallingly as everyone else.

Taxi for... Romain Vincelot had his worst game in an Orient shirt, so was inevitably awarded man of the match by today's sponsors in what's becoming a regular injection of deep, dark satire into each game. Everyone else was equally as shit but they can't all fit in a taxi, so let's instead call one for Fabio Liverani who – if we're lucky – might end up accidentally requesting a fare to Rome while stumbling through his English phrasebook.

"Fuck the technical shit..." Let's leave aside Fabio Liverani's bat-shit mental team selection, formation, tactics and substitutions for the moment, and focus on the fact that he spent the entire first half doing nothing but repeatedly urging Bradley Pritchard to move slightly to the left or right. Nothing else. Just that. I might point out that moving Bradley Pritchard anywhere other than outside of the stadium is unlikely to have a discernible effect on the team's fortunes, but more importantly it is now crystal clear that Liverani has zero chance of turning this round. Zero.

Meanwhile on BBC London... Francisco Becchetti speaks! Just when you thought the Grand Almighty Supreme Overlord-in-Chief of Leyton Orient (I'm contractually-obliged to use his official title) was too busy firing English-speaking staff and making hilarious videos to deign us with his presence, Franny pops up on the radio. And he has some good news for fans! Never mind about all the losing and the impending relegation and the ripping the soul out of the club stuff – you're always moaning about something you lot, lolz! – because according to Mr Becchetti a couple of young people in Italy asked him for Orient shirts. Every cloud...

Leyton Orient 1 Scunthorpe United 4, 31/1/15

A game which... demonstrated that something is rotten in the state of Orient. Yes, prepare yourself for a load of Hamlet references because our club is currently gripped by a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions. Manager meltdowns, subterfuge, whistleblowing, impropriety... we've got it all.

And somewhere in the middle of all that a football match broke out. Or at least it did for the 11 surprised Scunthorpe players who found themselves able to run around the pitch freely and score at will. Orient, meanwhile, were "a team without guts, without heart, without courage" according to Fabio Liverani. And while his assessment was correct, you wouldn't blame the players for responding "Yeah, and without any fucking tactics either, gaffer."

Jump off your seat moment... The moment Gianvito Plasmati's brain sent an electrical signal to his foot instructing it to shoot from 50 yards out. Who knows, the 6ft 6in Italian may have an impressive knowledge of Federico Fellini films, be able to tell his Sangiovese from his Sagrantino, or be a gentle and generous lover, but a footballer he ain't. Need I bother telling you his 50-yard shot bobbled apologetically towards the corner flag? Need I bother pointing out that that is a fitting metaphor for Orient's entire season?

Darius Henderson

Give that man a medal... I'm tempted to give a medal to PA Phillip Othen for actually having the audacity to announce an Orient man of the match. But let's be extremely generous and say that when Darius Henderson came on for the second half he at least put himself about a bit, albeit in the manner of a malfunctioning bulldozer that by the law of averages manages to go in the right direction once in every 27 minutes.

Taxi for... The whole team, according to Fabio Liverani, who claimed he needs 11 new players. But let me for the sake of making a stupid analogy to brain surgery single out Bradley Pritchard. Now, the former Charlton man works hard, for sure – but if I decided to try my hand at brain surgery tomorrow and put a real shift in, I doubt anyone would be congratulating me on the ensuing bloodbath. Or to put it another way: Pritch is just too lightweight and too limited for League One. And what the hell was Liverani doing playing him right midfield when we had a Premier League winger on the bench anyway?

"Fuck the technical shit..." Should we sympathise with Fabio Liverani for being given the poisoned chalice of Leyton Orient management? Or should we suggest that despite the accuracy of his post-match comments he might have better saved them for the dressing room if he wanted to retain even a shred of hope of motivating and gelling the team? Probably both, but for the moment let me point out that from my West Stand vantage point just behind the home dug out it is 100 per cent clear that the players do not understand a word of what Liverani is instructing them to do. Indeed, they tend to receive the information wearing the sort of bewildered, terrified expressions usually seen on the faces of girls being chatted up by Jimmy Smith.

Meanwhile on YouTube... "We scratched the bottom," said Fabio Liverani on Saturday. Well, on Sunday we took to it with an industrial chainsaw with the release of this video of lip-synching Italians, which is quite possibly the low point of the club in its entire 134-year history. Watch it and weep that it has come to this...

Leyton Orient 0 Fleetwood Town 1, 10/1/15

A game which... served as a timely reality check for Leyton Orient. After back-to-back victories against two of the worst sides in the division there was much posturing about a push for the play-offs. Nothing wrong with a bit of ambition, but as things stand it's about as convincing as taking a light stroll up Buckhurst Hill then claiming to be fully qualified to ascend Mount Everest.

Is there even a hill in Buckhurst? Doesn't matter, for what was evident from this flaccid loss to Fleetwood is that this is a team still struggling to gel – no surprise really given they're on their fourth manager of the season – and that before they go climbing any mountains they should probably learn to pass to each other a bit better.

Jump off your seat moment... The injury-time moment when Stephen Crainey inexplicably bundled Bradley Pritchard off the ball one yard inside the penalty area almost as if he believed the Orient midfielder was an actual threat. That the referee and linesman then bottled the decision prevented Gianvito Plasmati from converting a spot kick equaliser and hence booking himself a place in the starting XI for the certain loss to Preston on Friday and a guest appearance on the hit Italian reality show Leyton Orient: All'interno Del Circo.

Romain Vincelot 

Give that man a medal... Today Romain Vincelot dived into the sea of mediocrity in which his team mates were swimming and tried to single-handedly drag them all onto the shore like a heroic lifeguard. By which I mean the pitch was a bit wet and the Frenchman was slightly better than everyone else. Normal metaphor service will resume next week.

Taxi for... Fabio Liverani has a novel way of incentivising Andrea Dossena to actually do his job (outside of the, you know, £12k or so a week he's paid to do so). Whenever the Italian left back made a mistake the manager very conspicuously asked Gary Sawyer to warm up. That meant Gary Sawyer had to warm up a lot, because Dossena had his poorest game so far in an Orient shirt. (Case for the prosecution: Fleetwood's only two proper chances outside of their goal came as a result of the Italian losing his man.) Still, none of that stopped Stevenage-based graphic design agency Alchemy Creations awarding him man of the match, almost as if they were trying to inject an element of dark satirical irony. Either that or they weren't actually present.

"Fuck the technical shit"... "Two penalties, big house, in the box" said Fabio Liverani after the game, suggesting that he's already more intelligible than Chris Dagnall when speaking English. Fair play to him though for trying 19 different formations during the game, albeit to no discernible effect. He's passionate too and when Orient conceded he obliterated a water bottle, screamed "Lowry! Lowry! Lowry!" repeatedly and threw his hands up to the Gods as if to say "What have I done to deserve this defence?" Got himself sent off too, which was pretty punchy. I think I kind of like him...

Meanwhile on Twitter... Respect to the boys at E10 Mess podcast who literally stalked our Il Presidente Francesco Becchetti all the way to Italy and found him discussing intimate details about potential Orient transfer targets with one of his most trusted advisors.

Johnstone's Paint Trophy: Gillingham 1 Leyton Orient 0, 7/12/14

A game which... served as a telling – if rather depressing – counterpoint to the 5-1 victory that Orient enjoyed over Gillingham just eight months ago, when we ran them ragged and scored this incredible team goal. But we've plummeted such depths since then it's a surprise the team don't run out wearing deep-sea diving suits.

In fact, that wouldn't have made them any less mobile, because to be less mobile than today's performance would be impossible. I mean, yes, we did knock the ball around a bit in the first two-thirds of the pitch and fashion a couple of half-chances, but it was all pretty uninspiring. Chuck in the inevitable concession from a set piece and Orient's season is now swimming with the fishes.

Jump off your seat moment... There were no jump off your seat moments. But I did slightly raise one eyebrow in anticipation when substitute Shaun Batt crossed into the path of Bradley Pritchard who appeared to only have to breath on the ball to put it into the open net. Instead he chose to collapse in a heap on the ground so I could happily return my eyebrow to its default Orient 2014/15 setting of weary resignation.

Give that man a medal... Well done Gary Sawyer who was flawless in defence and provided a hint of attacking impetus. Maybe he could play left back, Dossena left midfield and Cox right midfield? God knows we have to try something different. Maybe he could play in goal and Legzdins up front? Maybe Mooney could play in central defence? Maybe Jobi McAnuff could play at all?

Taxi for... Gianvito Plasmati. Now, if the giant Italian is standing still – I say "if", obviously I mean "when" – then he is perfectly adapt at trapping the ball and then laying it off for someone else to cock up. Other than that he appears to have very little other use on a football pitch. Indeed, despite his height he rarely even wins headers, which means he's the worst jumper since this little number sported by Lloyd James.

"Fuck the technical shit..." "To score obviously makes a difference in this sport," said Mauro Milanese after the game, suggesting he really is almost at the point where he actually knows what he's doing. Five straight away defeats and just two victories (against one side bottom of League One and one side in League Two) in his eight games in charge doesn't bode particularly well for the future though.

Meanwhile on Linked In... Let's step away from the gloom of Orient for a moment to stalk today's referee Trevor Kettle on Linked In.

The Business Development Executive and worst referee in the whole of human history claims that he "thrives of delivering quality output". If you say so Trevor. "My strengths are my inter-personnel" he adds, somehow managing to break at least 14 different rules of grammar in one five-word phrase and possibly contradicting his later assertion that he has "excellent communication skills".

Still, he also says he's good at "simplifying complex matters and providing clear guidance." Want to be manager of Orient pal?