A guide to Leyton Orient players on Twitter

There was a time when fans had little insight into what was going on inside players' heads. Not any more, for thanks to the delights of Twitter we now know that, for example, Elliot Omozusi is thinking this: "Sum1 tel me sumfing decent 2 watch on telly coz i'm about 2 2foot my v screen n elbow drop my sky box".

But it's not all witty prose and Oscar Wilde-esque one-liners. Some Leyton Orient players on Twitter are there simply to wind each other up, exchange cooking tips or, in the case of Jimmy Smith, stalk female celebrities. Here's my guide to the wheat and the chaff...

Jimmy Smith
@sm1thy_JD

What's he on about? Jimmy mixes the mundane with boasting about his nightlife escapades and taunting various ex-members of early noughties child-rappers Blazin' Squad. Bizarrely, all of this is delivered in the vernacular of a West Coast rapper: "ipod on full max while getting ready ha,ATM pitball an neyo on". No, me neither.

Who's he following? Square-jawed Jimmy clearly has an eye for the ladies, following a smattering of women from The Only Way Is Essex and various female Sky Sports presenters. He also follows Paul Terry, so is clearly into beauty and the beast.
Key moment: Asking US socialite Kim Kardashian on a date, with all the twinkly-eyed Essex boy charm he could muster: "@KimKardashian yer come here we go for dinner ". Surprisngly, Kim is yet to reply.

Dean Cox
@dean_7cox

What's he on about? Tiny has apparently spent the entire summer generously answering tweets from Orient fans. Well, if height restrictions prevent you from going on amusement park rides what else you going to do? In between there's a bit of mild one-way flirting with Jack Wilshere: "@jack_wilshere we needed you mate nobody can create things and effect a game like you can." Jack is yet to reply.
Who's he following? The usual hotpotch of footballers, boxers and Fearne Cotton. Tiny also follows Orient players' nite spot of choice, Faces Nightclub, Gants Hill.
Key moment: Replying to Jimmy Smith's bizarre holiday boast tweet - "ipod on full max while getting ready ha,ATM pitball an neyo on" - with the simple, yet effective, "get a life mate".

Alex Revell
@therevmeister

What's he on about? Lots of witty goading of his team mates - for example, to Matthew Spring: "Sorry mate it's an under 40's night" and to Jamie Jones: "if you didn't have jeremy beadle hand you might have caught some crosses".
Who's he following? Comedians and footballers. Or, in the case of Aaron Brown - @ABrownUK - both in one.
Key moment: Trying to initiate a conversation with Michael Owen to no avail, so then sulkily resorting to calling the Man Utd player a "sick note no hamstring minted comb over nob". That told him!

Jamie Jones
@jamie1jones

What's he on about? According to Jamie, "It's all about being a geeza... r u a geeza????" Apparently 'being a geeza' involves taunting team mates over their PS3 abilities, taunting teammates over their golfing abilities and taunting teammates over their cooking abilities. All delivered in pure, unadulterated scouse, la.
Who's he following? Mostly footballers. And Ryan Jarvis.
Key moment: Cooking a spaghetti bolognese (pictured) for Alex Revell, who was so impressed that he felt like he was in "Bella Italia". "Just asked me if I wanted Parmesan or pepper!" tweeted the dumbstruck striker.

Charlie Daniels
@chazdaniels13

What's he on about? The usual PS3-related banter with his team mates along with chat with his partner @CarlySalmonx that would probably worked better as, you know, a private conversation. To wit: Carly: "Dinner ideas please." Charlie: "I don't mind wotever u want to make." Get a room you two!
Who's he following? Footballers, golfers, comedians and, testament to Charlie's deep love of musical theatre, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Key moment: Realising that his Las Vegas hotel was perhaps the plushest place he's ever stayed: "So posh in this hotel. Can't wear shorts for dinner!" 

Elliot Omozusi
@elliot_nuts

What's he on about? Elliot's Twitter stream of consciousness reveals that the right back's thought processes revolve primarily around deciding whether or not to get out of bed and whether or not to leave the house: "I swear I'm goin bk 2 sleep"; "Up bt aint gettin outa bed 4 now"; "Y on earth am I awake"; "Any1 fancy making me breakfast dnt really wanna go cafe"; "I'm gonna stay in my house 4 as long as possible". Fans of watching paint dry will be enthralled.
Who's he following? Various women who claim to have once been in failed X Factor girl bands. Well, you've got to aim high, Elliot.
Key moment: The moment Elliot temporarily forgot his obsession with his own sleep patterns to call out an audacious challenge to the US President himself, no less, after the death of Osama Bin Laden: "Obama best show me sum pics of him wiv a hole in he's head now."

The top ten Leyton Orient players of 2010/11

At the conclusion of most seasons at Leyton Orient it's difficult to think of one player who's excelled over the campaign. Not this time, which is why I've selected - in reverse order - the top ten players of 2010/11...

10. Andrew Whing

When it comes to decent right-backs, Leyton Orient's heritage is about as distinguished as Jodie Marsh's wardrobe. Enter Andrew Whing, dead ringer for EastEnders' Max Branning and owner of a chin so big it's got it's own postcode. Yes, rival right-back Elliot Omozusi may be slightly more comfortable on the ball - not least when he's plucking it out of the net after his customary once-a-game howler - but Whing provided the grit this season, regularly clattering into unsuspecting left-wingers and driving forward like a steroid-pumped gingerbread man.
More on Andrew Whing >

9. Paul-Jose M'Poku
Every now and again at Brisbane Road a player comes along with such dazzling skills that resident managers are left with no choice but to inexplicably leave them on the bench every game. Such was the plight of under-19 Belgian international and Spurs loanee Paul-Jose M'Poku. Hartlepool United's defenders are still in therapy trying to come to terms with the outright humiliation they were subjected to on the young winger's home debut, and M'Poku continued to provide flashes of inspiration in the 15 minutes he was allowed on the pitch each match. Essentially, stuff happened when M'Poku played. Just think what may have been if he'd been in the starting line-up...
More on Paul-Jose M'Poku >

8. Stephen Dawson
Every team needs an engine and this season Orient's was Stephen Dawson. The diminutive Irishman was the master of tirelessly motoring around the pitch, stopping only to pick up needless yellow cards and to throw himself to the ground in the penalty area as if scythed down by a poltergeist. Dawson excelled in the home leg against Arsenal, where the Premier League side subjected him to a particularly cruel 90 minutes of piggy-in-the-middle - though they rarely broke through his expertly-marshalled ranks.
More on Stephen Dawson >

7. Ben Chorley
Every lower league club needs a Ben Chorley, an uncompromising central defender who pulls his shorts up to somewhere beneath his chest and who's not afraid to stick his face into the path of a flying boot. But our Ben Chorley is so much more than a jumped-up hard man, with his positional sense and reading of the game ensuring Orient are rarely caught out at the back. Once per match he embarks on a lung-busting run upfield, where he is invariably dispossessed just outside the opposition box and has to run all the way back again. This season Chorley also turned out to be Orient's most reliable penalty taker since Matt Lockwood.
More on Ben Chorley >

6. Scott McGleish
You might think that after 20 years of chasing hopeful punts upfield for the likes of Barnet, Northampton and Cambridge United, Scott McGleish's legs might have had a quiet word in his ear and suggested that perhaps he might like to open a pub or something. Not so, for this season the veteran striker continued to cause nuisance to opposition defences like a late thirtysomething who keeps turning up at student parties and insisting on playing REM on the stereo. A true pro, McGleish's 17 goals were just reward for a fine season's work.
More on Scott McGleish >

5. Alex Revell
Alex Revell is the mythical big striker Martin Ling used to have wild, salivating dreams about. With a chiselled jaw and ice-white teeth he could land a bit part in a daytime American soap if the football thing doesn't work out, although there's no chance of that in the near future because Revell was a revelation this season. Sixteen goals isn't to be sneered at, but over and above that his unsettling presence, commitment and unselfish attitude was a major factor in Orient's success.
More on Alex Revell >

 
4. Jimmy Smith
What happened to Jimmy Smith this season? Once a player so bland you could have covered him in Tabasco sauce and he'd still have had absolutely no bite, he somehow transformed himself into a midfield goal-machine and one of the driving forces behind Orient's push up the table. Post-Christmas, whenever Orient created a chance it seemed to fall to Smith, and the former Chelsea man rarely missed them.
More on Jimmy Smith >

3. Charlie Daniels
When Charlie Daniels first arrived at Orient on loan in the 2007/08 season he showed a fair degree of promise, and if it wasn't for the fact he could neither defend or attack he could have been quite some player. Well, now Daniels is that player: reliable in defence and a real threat thundering down the left wing, with 15 assists over the season to prove it. This campaign Daniels added the ability to cut inside to his repertoire, a tactic that would have been highly damaging to oppositions if it wasn't for the fact his right foot is about as useful as an inflatable dartboard.
More on Charlie Daniels >

2. Jamie Jones
It's been a real pleasure this season to have a goalkeeper who is actually able to kick the ball properly, who doesn't flap at crosses, who isn't susceptible to low shots to his right, who commands his area and who doesn't throw the ball out directly to opposition strikers in key games... Oh, ok, strike the last point, but Jones' skill between the sticks has been one of the major reasons behind Orient's success this campaign, routinely digging the defence out of six-foot deep holes with his lightening reactions and breathtaking agility.
More on Jamie Jones >

1. Dean Cox
My player of the season for 2010/11, one who boasts the ability to square up to any hulking lower league hard man and fearlessly look him straight in the knee. Yep, Tiny packs a whole lot of attitude into the body of a medium-sized schoolgirl and adds a touch of genuine class to the Orient team as well as being the creative inspiration for much of their attacking play. Indeed, his delivery is so good the scouts watching him this season were from Royal Mail, DHL and the maternity unit at Homerton Hospital. You can't argue with 12 goals and 22 assists over the course of a season - although Cox himself would probably try, straight after he'd started a fight in an empty room.
More on Dean Cox >

Leyton Orient 0 Southampton 2, 9/4/11

A game in which... Orient huffed and puffed but couldn't blow the house down. Southampton, remember, are one of the division's big bad wolves and have the sort of resources that could buy a whole team of Paul-Jose M'Pokus - or over 500 Ryan Jarvises. The Os put in a feisty and committed performance and had the better of the second half, but just couldn't get the ball in the net - at least not with linesman's flag down. Yes, Jimmy Smith has now had three goals disallowed in the space of the week. He's so out of luck that he'll probably go to Faces Nightclub, Gants Hill, tonight and inadvertently take home the only girl there who doesn't put out.

Moment to savour... Scott McGleish's acrobatic volley in the second half, in which he hooked a ball coming over his shoulder towards the goal while suspended in mid-air. The physics police have been alerted that there has been a possible infringement of the laws of gravity.

Head in hands moment... Southampton's first goal, in which Elliot Omozusi inexplicably ducked under an innocuous ball as it came in from the left to allow Ricky Lambert to score. It's anyone's guess as to what happened in the defender's brain, but I'd wager he had a momentary flashback to the days when school bullys would repeatedly fire elastic bands at his head in double maths.

King for a day... No one played a blinder so it's worth highlighting the continued good form of Charlie Daniels. When he arrived at the club his decision-making was so poor it was eligible for numerous government hand-outs. Not any more - the former Spurs man is reliable at the back and a constant threat going forward. He even uses his right foot these days too - though admittedly only for standing on.

Boo boy... Jonathan Tehoue. Admittedly when the French striker is in full flight his pace and strength make him a bit of a handful. Unfortunately today he displayed all the speed off the mark of an ageing oil tanker and was about as useful in the air as a vertigo-afflicted flight attendent.

In the dug out... While it might be all too predictable for fans to call for increased use of a flair player, it is somewhat bemusing how little faith Russell Slade seems to have in Paul-Jose M'Poku. Perhaps the manager needs him on the bench to babysit Tom Carroll, but surely he'd be more useful out on the pitch?

What would Martin Ling have done? Reacted to Jonathan Tehoue's awful performance by reading the player the riot act. "I told him that if things don't improve I'll definitely drop him in about eight games' time," he'd say at a defiant post-match press conference.

Play-offs? Thanks to Bournemouth's terrible form and Rochdale's loss to Colchester, Orient still have exactly the same chance of making the play-offs as they did before today's game. That is, none whatsoever. Just kidding. Keep believing...

View from the sofa: Droylsden 1 Leyton Orient 1, 29/11/10

A televised game in which... Orient got to show the nation - well, all 36 people that weren't watching Barcelona v Real Madrid - what they're all about. And what they were all about was mis-hit passess, poor defending of set pieces, lack of quality in the final third (© Chris Waddle) and an inability to turn pressure into goals. Still, let's not be too harsh - these were pretty awful conditions to play football in and Droylsden were plucky opponents. At least we didn't lose.

TV moment to savour... Big Russ's comedy pre-match introduction of the Orient team. On Jimmy Smith: "He's our scout. After 10 o'clock." No, me neither.

'Hello mum' moment... It's hard to show any real quality when you're playing football on an ice rink, but Charlie Daniels did his best impression of a Poundland Gareth Bale with a couple of driving runs up the left in the first half.

Stage fright... Paul-Jose M'poku had his least effective game for Orient but nothing should eclipse the towering 6ft 5in of pure, uncut ineptitude that is Aaron Brown. So catastrophic is his distribution that if he were Santa Claus he'd inadvertently bulk deliver the entire contents of his sleigh to a windswept sand dune in the Sahara desert, muttering to himself, 'I'm sure there were kids here last year.'

In the commentary box... Poor Chris Waddle. Just think, if he hadn't pile-drived his penalty into row Z at Italia 90 he might not have had to suffer severe hypothermia while passing mildly informed comment on an FA Cup second round replay at a non-league ground. Still, at least he didn't lower himself to doing an embarrassing pizza advert. Oh, hang on...

In the pundits' chair... Ok, Clark Carlisle, you may have beaten one-time Orient midfielder Andy Harris to the title of Britain's Brainiest Footballer and been on Countdown and everything, but your claim that Droylsden should have been 'two or three up' at half-time was the sort of juvenile nonsense we'd expect from, oh, I don't know, Robbie Savage or someone. Speaking of which, who other than ESPN would let that girl-haired idiot anywhere near a TV studio since his last debacle on Match of the Day 2. ("Robbie, what do you know about Arsenal's Sebastien Squillaci?" "Erm, he's got a funny name?") Where's Steve Claridge when you need him?

Going to Wembley? Orient have again tried to scupper their own relegation battle by adding another FA Cup replay to their busy fixture list, but assuming they can overcome Droylsden at the second time of asking there's no reason whatsoever why they can't go on and beat Norwich in round three. Apart from the fact that Norwich are much, much better than them of course.

FA Cup Round 1 Replay: Leyton Orient 3 Dagenham & Redbridge 2

A game in which... Orient nearly contrived to throw away a two-goal lead for the third time this season after they were temporarily bamboozled by Dagenham & Redbridge's visionary tactics (lump it up to Bas Savage, see what happens). That said, apart from 15 minutes of madness in the second half when the Os appeared terror-stricken by the sight of the ball repeatedly dropping into the penalty area from great height, this was a relatively decent performance.

Moment to savour... Paul-Jose M'poku's through pass to Alex Revell for Orient's second goal split the Dagenham & Redbridge defence like a chainsaw through butter. Although Charlie Daniels' jinking run to the byline that took out about four Daggers' defenders in the second half was equally as praiseworthy.

Head in hands moment... Lee Butcher's bizarre first-half decision to throw the ball out to Charlie Daniels, despite the fact the left back was surrounded by the entire Dagenham & Redbridge team - including the goalkeeper and substitutes.

King for a day... Chorley was commanding in defence, M'poku a constant threat on the left wing, Daniels put in a great shift and even Jimmy Smith did a couple of things of note, such as... erm... no, it's gone. But man of the match has to go to that old trooper Scott McGleish, whose tireless running, two goals and salmon-swimming-upstream headers ensured the Os reached round two safely. Not bad for a 48-year-old.

Boo boy... No one really, though sadly Jonathan Tehoue's cameos are looking less and less impressive as time goes on.

In the dug out... Big Russ repsonded to a fan's complaint about James Walker - who'd just spooned a cross into the crowd - with a barrel-load of invective. Fair enough, Russ, you've certainly showed a lot of faith in Walker. Oh, hang on...

What would Martin Ling have done? Responded to Adam Chambers' injury by simply playing 10 men from the start. "There's no one who can replace Chambo," he'd say, defiantly, "except maybe Derek Duncan, and there's an important reserves game coming up so I don't want to risk him."

On the way to Wembley? It's Droylsden in the second round, and while it's never easy playing away from home against a Sunday pub team, the Os should be able to make it to round three. After that, well, who knows how many we'll lose by if we draw a Premier League team?

Leyton Orient 2 Rochdale 1, 30/10/10

A game in which... we saw some amazing moves, incredible agility, impressive co-ordination and effective use of individual assets. Admittedly all of this came during the pre-match display by the Random Girls From Faces Nightclub Gants Hill dance troupe. Once that was over Brisbane Road was subjected, once again, to a pretty dire first half in which Orient failed to show much threat and frequently lost the ball in the middle of the pitch. What appeared to be a highly dubious penalty sparked a second-half rally and a bit of purpose and inventiveness about the Os going forward. Great to get three points, lads, but any chance you could play properly for more than half the game at some point in the season?

Moment to savour... It's back to those pre-match dancing girls again, and the groundsman's inspired to decision to turn on the sprinklers just as they began their routine. A wet T-shirt competiton is certainly a novel way to encourage fans to return - although Stephen Dawson's delightful flick that led to Dean Cox's goal was also pretty sexy.

Head in hands moment... Seeing Ben Chorley elect himself to take Orient's penalty in Scott McGleish's absence. Having the luxury of Matt Lockwood taking spot-kicks for so long means Brisbane Road is used to seeing penalties scored. But, fair play to him, Chorley didn't opt for the thunderbolt, but struck the ball firmly and cleanly into the corner of the net.

King for a day... While none of the Orient players should be troubling the League One Team of the Week selectors, Charlie Daniels was solid in defence and provided much of what attacking threat there was in the second half. He's having a very consistent season and is a much improved player from the one who first arrived at Brisbane Road.

Boo boy... Ryan Jarvis is a player firmly in the Brisbane Road tradition of hard-working though non-scoring strikers. Today he didn't really do the hard-working bit, making his time on the pitch as totally fruitless as an orchard in Antarctica.

In the dug out... Presumably Adam Chambers wasn't 100 per cent fit, otherwise it was a highly dubious decision by Russell Slade to leave him on the bench in favour of Jimmy Smith, a footballer so bland it looks like someone's simply thrown a huge lump of tofu in the middle of the pitch. Still, kudos to Russ for changing the system for the second half to position Dean Cox behind the front two, which led to the second goal. Incidentally, West Standers will have noticed both Cox and Ryan Jarvis giving a fair degree of foul-mouthed back chat to Slade in the first half.

What would Martin Ling have done? Praised his defence for a solid second-half display and go on to claim that the pressure for places is what's producing quality performances. "Clayton Fortune, Joe Dolan and Alan White are chomping at the bit to get on the pitch," he'd say, defiantly.

Going down? Well, since Rochdale are a perennial League Two side who have somehow managed to claw their way up to the dizzy heights of League One, this was good practice for Orient if they do drop a division. Seven points from the last three games suggests things are on the right track, the first half performance suggests fans might want to check the driving routes to Aldershot, Morecombe and Accrington - just in case.

Carling Cup: Leyton Orient 0 West Brom 2, 24/8/10

A game in which... Brisbane Road was spellbound by the visit of a glamorous Premier League team - or at least the 200 or so Orient fans that bothered to turn up were. In reality, you can hardly blame supporters for shunning the League Cup. If I recall correctly the last time the Os got further than round 2, the trophy was named the Hormel Corned Beef Cup and our passage through was due to some wing half trickery from Cyril Bacon.

Moment to savour... Not many. Although Orient were far from embarrassed, West Brom won at a relative canter. Still, it was enjoyable seeing small-man-syndrome poster boy Dean Cox take on and beat ex-O Nicky Shorey on one occasion in the second half. Just think, Nicky, if only you'd stayed at Orient you could have had so many nights like these, rather than playing for England and stuff...

Head in hands moment... Charlie Daniels is through. He's through! The ball is dropping nicely for him, he shapes to shoot and... Oh hang on, it's on his right foot. Row Z here it comes.

King for a day... Another typically industrious performance from human combustion engine Adam Chambers who, if only he could shoot and pass properly, could probably play for West Brom.

Boo boy... Jimmy Smith is the ultimate nondescript player - rarely crap enough to bother slagging off, seldom good enough to warrant praise. Tonight, however, his second half switch to right back - clearly not his position - earns him a mention for general shoddiness, not least his throw-in that didn't quite make it on to the pitch.

In the dug out... "Change the record, it's like Williams all over again," yelled one young buck in the posh seats during the first half. Big Russ thought carefully about his reply - perhaps bringing to mind a witty riposte from Oscar Wilde, or at least Stephen Fry - before countering, "Shut up, you prick." Touche!

You're supposed to be away... "Premiership, you're having a laugh!" crowed the South Stand at the handful of Baggies who'd made the journey to east London, just as West Brom scored their winner. If I lived in Birmingham and supported West Brom - nasty thought - I wouldn't make a midweek trip to Brisbane Road either.

What would Martin Ling have done? Made a triple substitution at 80 minutes, once the game was already lost. "These three are the future of Leyton Orient Football Club," he'd claim, bringing on Loick Pires, Aiden Palmer and Brian Saah.

Going down? Another game, another set of "encouraging signs" that point towards League One survival. Probably best that Orient swap the "encouraging signs" for "actual points" come Saturday though.