Leyton Orient 1 Carlisle United 2, 4/2/17

A game which... was preceded by a major selection headache for Orient latest's puppet manager Danny Webb. Namely: could he find 11 players whose registration papers were in order and weren't being frozen out Francesco Becchetti? Thankfully he managed to rustle up a few kids from the local park, a couple of guys who Rob Gagliardi had identified on FM17 and some bloke who'd once almost made it into the five-a-side team of the Stevenage branch of Specsavers.

Incredibly this bunch put up more fight than we've probably seen all season at Brisbane Road. They were still pretty much useless, mind, but God knows it's a big ask for this lot to get us out of the total mess Mr Becchetti has left us in. Still, respect to them for giving it a go and perhaps an infinitesimal glimmer of hope that we won't be relegated.

Today's team 

Jump off your seat moment... The moment Gavin Massey scored a goal that wasn't at the time required to be preceded by the word "consolation". To clarify for more recent fans of Leyton Orient: a "goal" – as opposed to a "consolation goal" – is something that was occasionally witnessed at Brisbane Road mostly during the 1970s and in 2013/14. Of course, by the second half Massey's goal had actually become a "consolation goal" and the order of the universe was thus restored. 

Give that man a medal... Actually Gavin Massey again for running his socks off and being a constant menace to the ball boys on the side of the pitch and sometimes the Carlisle defence. If we are going to have any chance of staying up we're going to need wily old pros like Massey (24), Tom Parkes (25), Nigel Atangana (27) and Nicky Hunt (58) to stand up and be counted.  

Taxi for... Now, it's easy to mock Rowan Liburd's performance today, but let's get some perspective here guys: he's severely lacking match practice. That's because he's evidently never played a football match in his life. Give him time to learn the basics and we could have a 20-goal a man in our 2026/27  season in the Essex Olympian Senior League Premier Division. (Yeah, I did the math.) 

In the dug out... It was a curious decision for Danny Webb to turn up to his first match dressed as a Romford estate agent, but fair play to him for trying to patch up the footballing equivalent of a crumbling tenement block that the owner has deliberately set fire to. I mean, Webb has essentially been tasked with saving Orient from relegation not with one hand tied behind his back, but with both hands figuratively chopped off and buried in an Albanian waste dump. If he can pull it off it will count as the greatest Orient managerial feat of all time. 

Danny Webb

Meanwhile on Twitter... "The manager explained his decision to me and I respect that" tweeted Alex Cisak in explanation of being dropped not just from the team, but the whole squad. Webb himself claimed that "it's not that Alex has done anything particularly wrong" but that "we have Alex, Charlie Grainger and Sam all going for the number one jersey." Or to put it another way, "We have an international goalkeeper with nearly 200 senior appearances who's pretty much solely responsible for Orient not already being down, and a 20-year-old and 19-year-old with three appearances between them all going for the number one jersey." 

So you don't have to be tin-hatted conspiracy nut to infer that transfer-listed Cisak was dropped for something other than footballing reasons, not least because on what planet would you throw an untested teenager into a relegation dogfight in League Two? Or rather, there's not exactly a shortage of evidence of Francesco Becchetti freezing out players and interfering in team affairs. 

Not blaming Webb personally - seems like a decent guy and I'd probably buy a property off him - but it's yet another example of the psychopathic mismanagement that stems directly from Francesco Becchetti. It's almost as if the Italian is upset that Donald Trump is getting so much publicity of late so has decided to take his own narcissistic megalomania off the fucking scale in response. 

As Donald himself would tweet: "Sad". 

Not a patch on Francesco Becchetti 

Leyton Orient 1 Exeter City 3, 16/1/16

A game in which... it looked suspiciously like the Orient defence was in fact a huge practical joke being secretly filmed for season two of the Italian reality TV show. What else could explain their catastrophic ineptitude, except maybe that they were all signed, trained, selected and instructed by Ian Hendon?

It was a fitting final swan song for the now-sacked manager, in which he characteristically selected the wrong starting XI in the wrong formation with the wrong tactics then subsequently blamed all the players for getting it all so wrong. Under the current regime it's unlikely we'll do any better with a new gaffer, but we surely can't do any worse...

Jump off your seat moment... Two thoroughly undeserved penalties which Jay Simpson presumably missed on purpose as a way of hastening the manager's departure. Imagine where we'd be if Hendon hadn't been gifted Simpson and Cisak: that's right, in the Guinness Book of Records for Worst Goal Difference Ever In The History Of Football.

Give that man a medal... The aforementioned Alex Cisak prevented the score being 42-1 and has undoubtedly chained his agent up in a basement with a view to systematically torturing him over the course of the next 40 years as punishment for his cataclysmic error of judgement in bringing the Championship-standard keeper to Orient in the first place.

Taxi for... The entire squad apart from Simpson and Cisak. I mean, imagine if a tone deaf but inexplicably aggressive guinea pig was appointed to be the conductor of the London Philharmonic Orchestra. You'd certainly be sympathetic to a drop in their usual standards of performance, but you'd still expect a bunch of professional musicians to at least be able to string a few notes together, regardless of the incompetence of their leader.

In the dug out... Really, Hendon was on a hiding to nothing serving under such a batshit mental regime. God only knows what lunacy goes on behind the scenes and it's unlikely Orient will ever achieve anything other than another relegation or two until that changes. On the other hand the manager didn't really do himself any favours by offering to fight fans; being so willing to blame anyone but himself for his shortcomings; and signing Connor Essam. I'm not saying he was out of his depth, but... *taps microphone* ... if Brisbane Road was a leisure centre he'd have been flailing around helplessly in the kids' pool while threatening the lifeguards for criticising his attempts at the doggy paddle.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Now, we're all well used to the official communication channels of Leyton Orient airbrushing and manipulating stories like a psychotic North Korean dictatorship. But few of us would have expected them to go as far as trying to alter the result of an actual real-life football match being witnessed by over 5,000 people and the TV cameras of Channel 5. But, by Christ they gave it their best shot on Twitter after Jay Simpson missed the first of his two penalties, posting "2-3 Game On". I look forward to them re-classifying the reign of Ian Hendon as nothing more than "banter"...

The 10 good things about the 2014/15 season

Cheer up you miserable fuckers. Just because we got relegated, have alienated all our players, have an uncertain future and are the laughing stock of the football world, it’s not all bad. In fact, there were plenty of good things about his season. Well, ten anyway, if you really scrape the bottom of a barrel. Here they are… 

1. The arrival of the most handsome man in football. If not the world… 

It's a novel approach for a football club to employ a professional interpreter and then ask him to be goalkeeping coach in his spare time. But never mind that, for it was enough to stare into Rob Gagliardi's dreamy eyes and be beguiled by his long, flowing locks as he calmly translated the demented ramblings of Fabio Liverani into English. Gagliardi is possibly one of the reasons the Orient players were entirely unable to concentrate throughout each game, for if someone that thunderingly handsome is delivering the team talk who can blame them for taking to the pitch with all sorts of conflicting emotions?

2. The second coming of Marvin Bartley 

There’s only one Orient player who can claim to have had a better season than last, and that’s Marvin Bartley, baby. The reason is that for the midfielder to have had a worse season than last, he’d have had to have scored 47 own goals or accidentally sliced off Kevin Lisbie’s legs with a kitchen knife. Still, improvement must be applauded and there were few sights as thrilling this season as Marvin Bartley bludgeoning his way through the midfield towards goal and almost certain dispossession. If he keeps improving at this rate by 2032 we’re going to have a hell of a fifth-choice central midfielder in our squad. 

3. The hallucinogenic madness of the man of the match awards

Dagnall: played out of his skin

In seasons past a couple of representatives from the matchday sponsors would rock up at Brisbane Road, try to be polite about the quality of the food in Theo’s restaurant and then award the man of the match to Dean Cox. Job done. Not this season though, where the man of the match awards have become some sort of avant-garde parody of the club. Against Crewe, for example, Chris Dagnall scored about 11 goals, made 39 assists and played out of his skin to such an extent he was tearing around the pitch in a blur of veins, arteries and mucus. Despite all that, the sponsors gave the man of the match award to Romain Vincelot, who was at the time back home watching his beard. 

4. The Orient podcasts

E10 Mess and a walking, talking bad hair day 

It’s typical isn’t it. You wait forever for an Orient podcast then four turn up at once. But what a pleasure it was to follow our catastrophe of a season in the company of Orient Ramble, E10 Mess, Orient Outlook and Whipps Cross Weekly. Each had its own unique charm – E10 Mess’s hilarious tribute songs; Whipp Cross Weekly’s incisive analysis; Orient Outlook’s revealing interviews; and Orient Ramble’s lengthy diversions into the merits of various savoury snacks – and each deserves a lot of credit for the amount of effort put in by their creators. 

5. The enigma of Gianvito Plasmati

Gianvito Plasmati 

If there’s one player who can hold his head up high this season, it’s Gianvito Plasmati. Only in the literal sense though: he's 6ft 6in. He introduced himself to Brisbane Road by emitting a bloodcurdling scream and poleaxing himself to the ground after hearing a whispered insult from a Preston midfielder. It went downhill from there, though it’s hard to dislike a guy who despite his many limitations played each game with all the bounding enthusiasm of a retarded cocker spaniel. He’ll probably tear up League Two.

6. The comeuppance of Jamie Jones and George Porter

Whatever possessed Jamie Jones to send (and then hastily delete) a tweet goading the fans of the club that gave him his chance in professional football and paid his wages for six seasons? Probably amoeba-like levels of stupidity. Still, the last laugh was on us as the goalkeeper was unceremoniously shipped out on loan from Preston. See you in League Two, Scouse! George Porter, meanwhile, is a bell-end of monumental proportions, but after mocking his former club’s relegation was on the receiving end of this zinger from Craig Delew: “From Burnley to Maidstone, if Carlsberg did failed careers..." 

7. Tell ‘em about the honey, Andrea

Andrea Dossena

Remember Andrea Dossena's volleyed scissor kick from the touchline in his home debut? Well that was the solitary highlight of the ex-Liverpool star's season as he subsequently took it upon himself to try to single-handedly relegate the club with defending of the most kamikaze order. So it was with much mirth that Orient fans greeted the news that Dossena had been arrested over a jar of Harrods honey, entirely forgetting to pay for it almost as if he was supposed to be marking it at a corner. Thereon the jokes wrote themselves: “Hope he hires a good lawyer because he’s no good at defending himself.” And so forth.

8. The performances of Eldin Jakupovic Mk II

What’s the world record for the number of goals conceded by a football club in a single season? Well, whatever it is Orient would have beaten it in 2014/15 were it not for the magnificence of Alex Cisak. With a defence failing calamitously to get to grips with zonal marking, the goalkeeper must have felt like a president being assassinated by knife-wielding assailants while his bodyguards fiercely guarded random patches of ground nearby. That he is even spoken about in the same breath as Eldin Jakupovic is testament to his contribution. 

9. The die-hard fantaticism of Giulia Salemi 

Giulia Salemi has been a die-hard fan of Leyton Orient since birth and has religiously followed the fortunes of the club her whole life by sometimes reading the BBC Sport website. It was for this reason she was chosen as the co-host of the Italian reality show “Leyton Orient". Coincidentally she is also a former Miss Italia and a model of some repute. Coincidentally she also just fired her agent. What to make of all of this? Well, why don’t you ask her yourself? She’s bound to be in the Coach and Horses before our key relegation clash with Barnet next season. 

10. The ever-patient Orient fans

Yes, that’s you lot. In a season in which the club didn’t bother to communicate, collaborate or try to win any matches the vast majority of Orient fans have shown vast wells of resilience and good humour. 1-0 down against Rochdale away, staring down the barrel of League Two and you were still singing your hearts out. Nearly 1,000 of you turned up to watch Orient get relegated at Swindon. And even when you were frustrated, you showed it in a uniquely Orient way, as captured in the tweet of the season from Craig Rodhouse: “Only at Orient. A fan throws his season ticket at the bench on the last home game of the season. We know how to protest.” 

Leyton Orient 1 Sheffield United 1, 25/4/15

A game which... left Orient clinging on to League One survival like Sylvester Stallone on a mountain ledge in Cliffhanger. Except Orient aren't Sylvester Stallone are they? Not even Sylvester Stallone in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. What I am saying here is that this was another performance lacking in the muscle, passion and heroism you'd expect given the situation.

Sigh. I'll always love those players who got us to Wembley last season but something is deeply wrong if they can't properly raise themselves for a game like this. Orient had Alex Cisak to thank – again – for not being 2-0 down at half-time, and while Mathieu Baudry's bullet header gave some hope, Sheffield United's equaliser was all too inevitable. Still, I'll be at Swindon hoping that some sort of footballing and mathematical miracle will allow us to Escape to Victory...

Jump off your seat moment... I don't think Barry Hearn technically jumped off his seat, but he certainly stood up at half-time and – alone in the gallery – surveyed the carnage of a season that lay before him. One can only imagine what was going through his head, but I'm going to take a wild stab at "Yeah, on reflection, I probably shouldn't have said that thing about West Ham being petrified of the new owner."

Give that man a medal... I'm guessing that the Supporters' Club's end-of-season Star Man dinner is going to be an awkward affair. Or at least it would be if they didn't have the option of giving every single award to Alex Cisak who, since coming on loan from Burnley, has pretty much single-handedly given Orient a sliver of a chance of avoiding relegation. The goalkeeper was superb again today.

Taxi for... Actually no one played totally abysmally today so let's instead turn to our illustrious CEO Alessandro Angelieri who, at this week's Fan's Forum, gave his insight into why Orient are facing imminent relegation. Apparently it's all down to the fact that the players bought in the summer haven't performed as expected. So simple! Next week: Angelieri explains the sinking of the Titanic. "I think a couple of the passengers brought on quite heavy suitcases."

Fabio Liverani

"Fuck the technical shit..." Does anyone still think that Fabio Liverani has even the slightest idea what he's doing? I'm guessing not. But let's not blame him personally. Put it this way: if the owner of a Formula One team selected a 12-year-old schoolgirl to be his lead driver simply on the basis that she once negotiated a fairground dodgems ride without crashing too much, who would you point the finger at when she totalled the car within seven seconds? (For a less metaphorical explanation of why the blame goes right to the top at Orient read here.)

Meanwhile on Twitter... This tragi-comic observation from Os fan Craig Rodhouse: "Only at Orient. A fan throws his season ticket at the bench on the last home game of the season. We know how to protest." Indeed we do. Next week: hundreds of Orient fans refuse to attend another game until early August after the club is relegated to League Two. See you there!

Leyton Orient 3 Gillingham 3, 6/4/15

A game which... began with Andrea Dossena embarking on a crazed kamikaze mission to single-handedly relegate Orient; continued with a heroic last stand by Alex Cisak; and ended with a late Darius Henderson-inspired rally to rescue an unlikely point.

Thing is though, Orient shouldn't have to be rescuing a point at home to an average side like Gillingham but yet again our statuesque defending and wastefulness on the ball was our undoing. Sure, in the last 20 minutes we built up a head of steam – much as you would if you tried to heat up a swimming pool with a box of matches – but last-ditch fight-backs may not be enough to save Orient from relegation if we continue to be this sloppy at the back.

Josh Wright celebrates his goal 

Jump off your seat moment... Another game, another vital goal for The Only Way Is Essex reject Josh "Mark's brother" Wright. And boy did he celebrate – whooping and gesticulating like a hormonal teenager at his first Marbella boat party. Good work Josh!

Give that man a medal... Alex Cisak has impressed since coming in on loan from Burnley and appears to have given the Orient defence so much confidence that they are happy to stand around letting opposition players shoot freely at him for 90 consecutive minutes. The big Aussie must feel like he's ventured into the searing heat of the Outback with just four warm cans of Fosters for all the use his back line is, but today he was Jakupovic-esque and pulled off a series of crucial saves.

Andrea Dossena: Casual 

Taxi for... Andrea Dossena. The guy's clearly got class but the way he defends is so casual he might as well take to the pitch fully decked out in Stone Island clobber. With Gary Sawyer out for the rest of the season the Italian is going to have to start earning his dosh – fast. And when I say "fast" I mean "slightly quicker than ambling disinterestedly back towards the penalty area", which would be an improvement on today.

"Fuck the technical shit"... Now, it's easy to criticise team selection with the benefit of hindsight... so that's exactly what I'm going to do. Number one: after a battling clean sheet against Coventry, why drop Nathan Clarke for an out-of-match-practice Shane Lowry? Number two: Why rush Lloyd James back into the side when other options – Taylor? Bartley? Hell, even Pritchard (just kidding) – were available? Number three: Why leave McAnuff on the bench when he's been our most in-form winger of the last couple of months? Liverani still hasn't sorted out our defending of set pieces either. Apart from all that, love the guy!

Meanwhile on Twitter... "After setting off at the same time I did last week I'm an hour and fifteen minutes early" tweeted a clearly bewildered Darius Henderson before the game, almost as if he had never before encountered the phenomenon of external factors influencing the outcome of events. Next week: Darius becomes overheated and agitated while wearing a thick winter's coat on a sunny April day. "I didn't have this problem when I wore it in December," he tweets, highly confused.

Leyton Orient 3 Oldham Athletic 0, 21/2/15

Fabio Liverani

A game in which... Fabio Liverani ripped off his shirt, beat his chest and declared with a guttural, primal roar: "FUCK THE LOT OF YOU, I'M PLAYING WITH TWO WINGERS AND TWO LEFT-BACKS. WHAT YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?" Or maybe the manager was simply forced into selecting a team with a bit of width by virtue of Bradley Pritchard's injury.

Either way it worked, for this was a joyous return to the Orient of old: spirited, committed and energetic. It also demonstrated that we do actually have a talented group of players and if someone – Liverani? Donatelli? Nugent? Ada the kit man? – can get them to continue playing together as they did today we may still get out of this mess. 

Jump off your seat moment... The moment loanee goalkeeper Alex Cisak saved brilliantly from Jonathan Forte's penalty. If he puts in more fine performances like today's it might finally allow some closure for the Orient fans still heartbroken by the loss of our previous hero between the sticks. No, not Jamie Jones you bloody idiots, Eldin Jakupovic. *swoon* 

Jobi McAnuff marks his debut by wearing mascara

Give that man a medal... Any number of players could have been named man of the match today – Sawyer, Wright, Vincelot, Baudry or Cisak for starters – but let's instead celebrate a player making his Orient debut today: Jobi McAnuff. Yes, yes, the stats might tell you it was the winger's 25th appearance for the club, but it was the first time fans actually saw the player we thought we'd bought in the summer. 

Taxi for... Everyone played well, so let's just single out one moment involving the otherwise excellent Chris Dagnall. Put clean through on goal by Josh Wright, what would you expect the Liverpudlian language-mangler to do? a) Shoot b) Side-foot the ball to David Mooney who, instead of tapping it into an open net, elects to throw himself to the ground appealing for an imaginary foul, only to find he was 40 yards offside the whole time or c) back heel the ball 15 yards back up the pitch to a waiting Oldham defender. If you answered c, you're bonkers. But also correct. 

Liverani tinkers with today's formation

"Fuck the technical shit"... When today's team sheet was announced only those with a doctorate in applied mathematics could have figured out what formation that particular combination of 11 players could possibly line up in. Luckily Dean Cox put in a call to his old mucker Professor Jimmy Smith who advised "4-4-2 #LEGOOOOOO!" And so it was that Fabio Liverani inadvertently stumbled across a decent starting XI. (Albeit one that he will almost certainly ditch as soon as Bradley Pritchard is fit again.) 

Meanwhile on Twitter... This bizarre exchange between ex-England captains Will Carling and Michael Vaughan in which they discuss one-time Orient carthorse Colin West. (As discovered by Chas Portch.) What next, Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga debating the relative merits of James Scowcroft? Stephen Fry and Barack Obama arguing over Adrian Patulea?