Leyton Orient 0 Luton Town 1, 5/3/16

A game in which... It was proved scientifically, philosophically and legally that Orient are still just a bit shit. Not chronic-dysentry-call-999-NOW! shit as we were under Ian Hendon. More like the type of shit that clings defiantly to the toilet bowl despite repeated flushes. Will.i.am, were it in human form.

Now, credit to Kevin Nolan for mostly shoring up the defence – Luton only had the one big chance really – but he still has a big job to do to eke out some sort of guile, some creativity, some surprise from this largely uninspiring squad.

Jump off your seat moment... Is it Neymar? Is it Ronaldo? Is it the final of the World Dressage Championships? No, it's Jerome Binnom-Williams doing step-overs in ultra slow-motion in an ill-fated attempt bamboozle the Luton defence. That said, the left-back actually looks half-decent at times and could well be the difference between Orient finishing 11th or 12th come the end of the season. 

Give that man a medal... Scott Cuthbert. He had Ollie Palmer so deeply in his pocket that it's likely he'll not notice he's there again until he eventually sticks his kit in the washing machine and finds a bearded bloke in a red shirt clambering out of it then theatrically throwing himself to the ground claiming a head injury.  

Taxi for... Sean Clohessy. I'm presuming that his selection at right midfield is based on the infinite monkey theorem which states that if you sit a primate in front of a typewriter for an infinite amount of time at some point it will inadvertently produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Similarly, were he given until the end of the universe, it is conceivable that Sean Clohessy might at some point put a decent ball into the box. Didn't happen today, mind, so instead the former Southend man offered a fan out a half-time. As you were. 

Nolan-watch... Imagine this scenario: Kevin Nolan, on a day off and craving some peace and quiet, goes to an east London park with the intention of calmly completing a jigsaw puzzle. But when he begins the task, he finds that not only are most of the pieces either damaged or missing, but that there is also a group of drunk and obnoxious Italian tourists in the vicinity who keep coming over and smashing up the little progress he has made for the sheer hell of it. What I'm saying here is the manager is actually doing a pretty good job, all things considered. 

Meanwhile on the opposition bench... We need to talk about Kevin. Firstly: Nugent, who was a loyal servant to Orient despite the fact he was demoted further and further down the hierarchy every time Sr Becchetti pulled the trigger on another manager, to the point where his final role profile at the club simply read "Hold a clipboard." Then of course there was also Kevin Dearden, who was a loyal servant to the club's restaurants and cafes. Given the current state of Orient, mind, I'm pretty sure where both of them would rather be sitting...

Leyton Orient 2 Coventry City 2, 1/11/14

A game in which... it became apparent that there must be some sort of hoodoo upon Brisbane Road that prevents Orient from ever winning a home game. Perhaps the stadium was erected upon an ancient Indian burial ground and the Gods are displeased? Perhaps a terrible tragedy unfolded on the land in medieval times? Or perhaps the reasons are less the plot of a Stephen King novel and more that we're, well, just a bit shit?

Sigh. In truth there were further signs of improvement. In the first half Orient dominated possession, though only had one shot off target to show for it. In the second the team showed admirable spirit and bluster to come back from behind to lead 2-1, only to blow it at the death. Still, I think better things are to come from this squad, although (KLAXON! I'm about to run with the Stephen King analogies here) expect more Misery before they're really Shining.

Nathan Clarke 

Jump off your seat moment... Two actually. The first a jaw-dropping slide tackle from Mathieu Baudry in the first half that swept the ball away from Coventry's Gary Madine just as he was about to puncture the Orient net. The second a Benny Hill-esque combination of misjudgment and slip from Nathan Clarke that led to the visitors' first goal. I use these two contrasting incidents to illustrate a point: we still have very classy defenders in our squad, and if they can somehow eradicate the momentary lapses then we may have a foundation for climbing the table.

Give that man a medal... And talking of the defence, what a man Scott Cuthbert is. Whether crunching into tackles on the touchline, rising majestically like Ben Nevis to head Orient into the lead or growing a thick beard 20 minutes before the start of today's game simply through the power he has over his own testosterone, the Scotsman will be fundamental to the success or otherwise of the rest of this season.

Taxi for... Were it not for the fact that Jobi McAnuff bucked his ideas up for a 15-minute spell in the second half by God he would be feeling the full force of one of my metaphors likening him to a widely-mocked X-Factor contestant. As it is, the fact that he does momentarily display flashes of the class that you'd expect of a one-time Premier League captain makes it even more bewildering that the winger is offering so little in an Orient shirt.

"Fuck the technical shit"... Mauro Milanese showed that he truly appreciated the long tradition of Orient managers by sending out his players in 4-4-2 formation and hoping for the best. To be fair to him he's got the team trying to play more football along the floor – albeit at the moment mostly in a quadrangle between the defence and the goalkeeper – and he appears to have instilled a bit more passion into them. What a shame, then, that if his side lose to Oldham next week then he's likely to be replaced by, oh I don't know, Ada Martin the kit man in Francisco Becchetti's ever-patient search for stability and success.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Hey, what's this: a message from ex-Orient keeper Jamie Jones to fans of the club that paid his wages for six years and gave him the opportunity to make a career in professional football. A heartfelt vote of thanks? A stirring statement of support? Erm, no, this actually: "Another home win for you today? O wait... No it wasn't. Enjoy your relegation battle." I leave it to fan Edina to summarise the general reaction to this far more eloquently than I could: "What a muggy little c**t."

A guide to Leyton Orient players on Twitter 2014/15

Do you ever wonder what goes on in a footballer's mind? No, of course you don't, because these days the contents of footballers' minds are sprayed onto Twitter in an indiscriminate stream of consciousness. Here I delve into the brains of Leyton Orient's top tweeters...  

Legzdins: "euphoric" 

Adam Legzdins @AdamLegzdins

What does Adam's Twitter feed tell us? That he likes David Brent, the weather and that if he didn't have the minor inconvenience of being a professional footballer he'd spend all summer wearing oversized sunglasses and gurning at the sunrise outside various Ibiza clubs. "Eric Prydz once again giving me that euphoric feeling" he wrote in July, presumably mashed off his head on Red Bull and plant food.

Key moment: "Selfies go against everything that teamhandsome stands for due to our understanding for such folk who aren't so facially blessed" tweeted Adam recently, with brazen disregard for the hundreds of selfies he'd already posted. The new Jimmy Smith? Absolutely not. Adam has a healthy sense of irony. Smith thought irony was a brand of bodybuilding supplements.

Battman: oily 

Shaun Batt @BATTman_14

What does Shaun's Twitter feed tell us? That between DJ-ing, being photographed in his pants and wearing socks/shorts combos to festivals it's a wonder he has time to fit in the 20 minutes of football he is afforded by Russell Slade each week.

Key moment: "I went and got extremely drunk as my season is now over what do you want me to do sit at home crying into my pillow??" wrote Shaun after the play-off final defeat - not unreasonably - while skulling his 48th Jäger-bomb.

Lloyd James @LloydJames23

What does Lloyd's Twitter feed tell us? That, when he's not "doing bantz" with his team mates over their golfing abilities, he's drooling with pleasure over the placement of power outlets: "Best thing in a hotel is when there is a plug socket nex to the bed!!" he tweeted ecstatically last year. Next: Lloyd weeps with joy when he discovers his fridge light turns off when he shuts the door.

Key moment: "Just wen it couldn't get worse" tweeted Lloyd two days after the play-off final, leading fans to assume that the club had not offered him a new contract. Luckily the Welshman put our minds at rest with this: "Sorry I should of made my tweet more Pacific it's not football related". Still, anyone who pulls him up on his grammatical error is just being Atlantic. Sorry, I mean pedantic.

Cuthbert: angry

Scott Cuthbert @ScottCuthbert15

What does Scott's Twitter feed tell us? That if you think the Scotsman is hard on the pitch, that's nothing compared to the stone-cold terror with which he reigns social media. "Could you keep all the 'love of my life' and 'love you so much baby' chat down to a minimum," he raged recently, "nearly thrown up in my wheetabix twice."

Key moment: During Children In Need last year Jamie Jones - with admirable intentions - said he'd donate £1 for every retweet he got. Minutes and multiple retweets later he backtracked and tweeted "£1,000 limit reached". Cuthbert was straight on his case, writing: "I will give @jamiejones1 £1 for every retweet this gets, poor guys skint" and then following it up seconds later with: "Sorry my £1 limit has been reached, thanks for the retweets." Lolz.

Marvin Bartley @dothebartman1

What does Marvin's Twitter feed tell us? That if you're interested in detailed regular traffic updates from the Reading area, then Marvin is the man to follow. "The workmen who left the traffic cones out on the A329 need their heads testing! #HugeCockUp" is the sort of thing you can expect. The fun never starts.

Key moment: "People who drive in the middle lane when no cars to their left seriously annoy me! #MostlyWomenDrivers lol" wrote Marvin in April, almost as if he was a struggling stand-up comedian from the 1970s.

Dean Cox @Dean_7Cox

What does Dean's Twitter feed tell us? Everything, pretty much, because Tiny is Orient's most prolific tweeter and a man unafraid to reveal the most intimate details of his life. Want to see a photo of Coxy mowing the lawn? You got it! How about Coxy having a massage? You got that too! What next, Coxy and his fiancee wearing matching animal-themed onesies? Yep, that too...

Key moment: "Walking round the house like I have shit myself this morning." Okay...

Mathieu Baudry @MathBaudry5

What does Mathieu's Twitter feed tell us? That the Frenchman is Orient's philospher-in-residence: "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up," he tweeted after the play-off final. A quote from Descartes? Sartre? Chumbawumba? No, American football coach Vince Lombardi actually. But Mathieu is certainly prone to his own moments of existential angst: "Football is shit sometimes" he mourned wistfully in April, presumably shortly after Robbie Simpson's loan deal was extended.

Key moment: "3days before miami!! Any tips of what to do or see there?" tweeted Mathieu earnestly before his American holiday last year. Fellow countryman Romain Vincelot had some blunt advice: "Please go there and stay there" to which Mathieu responded simply "haha u french twat". Touché.

GUEST POST! Leyton Orient 4 Carlisle United 0, 11/1/14

I followed this match via Twitter from a graffiti-strewn techno club in a subterranean bunker under Berlin. Luckily Andy Brown - blogger extraordinaire from WAGU and The Two Unfortunates - was actually at Brisbane Road and has stepped in with his own version of the day's events...

Carlisle's defending

A game in which...Orient were so ridiculously dominant in their first home fixture of the year that the game should have been declared a TKO after 66 minutes when Kevin Lisbie lashed the Os' third in off the post. 

Poor Carlisle looked like Audley Harrison on the ropes and must be sick of the sight of Orient after two 4-1 maulings last season and a 5-1 stuffing on the opening day, as Orient came at them again and again and could have scored more.

Orient's trio of new loans looked quick and sharp looked lethal: Ness lashing in a lovely 25-yard volley off the post, Loza looking lively again and Shaq Coulthirst refusing to give up and taking the ball around Carlisle keeper Fleming in injury time. 

Moment of magic... Moses Odubajo's "Cruyff turn"  in the second half to take himself away from three players and get a cross in towards Loza. Call it cheeky, call it flamboyant, it had no place in a League One football match and was made all the sweeter by the look on Carlisle Matty Robson's face as he attempted to chase and kick Orient's number 11 into the West Stand... and promptly missed that as well. 

Moment of madness...Sky’s continuous Orient amnesia on Goals Now with the Os seemingly written out of the season like Stalinist purges. After showing Brentford and Wolves’ goals, they conclude with “So that wraps up the top of League One.” Er, no it doesn’t. 

Scott Cuthbert

Top gun... Scott Cuthbert, proving that Tuesday's slightly below par performance was a blip as he defended stoically and marauded up and down the right flank like a terrier with a pork chop, as well as scoring a bullet header from a Cox corner to put the Os 1-0 up. Plaudits also go to Moses Odubajo and Dean Cox, both of whom looked like Usain Bolt compared to the Carlisle full backs, and Kevin Lisbie who looked formidable holding the ball up and creating chances.

Little donkey(s)... The entire Carlisle team have now conceded 17 in their last four matches against Orient. They say don't get mad, get even. Carlisle are doing neither. Matty Robson, for one, was run ragged and frankly embarrassed for 90 minutes by Moses Obubajo and is probably considering doing something else on Saturdays in future. 

In the dug out... Russell Slade is displaying Yoda-like wisdom this season. Bartley started well and looked

Russell Slade

good again until injured and all the players that started outclassed their opposite numbers in a scintillating display of attacking prowess. By the time the young loanees came on it was almost cruel, with Loza and Coulthirst running a bedraggled Carlisle ragged before bagging a fourth in the 95th minute.

 

View from the opposition... "Orient deserve all the praise they get. Solid platform combined with plenty of thrust. Hope they keep it up" wrote Carlisle fan John McGee in a fair, honest and generous view of the Os' performance. Jake, on the other hand, who likes to make friends and influence people, tweeted "Can't wait till West Ham get the Olympic stadium and Orient go bust". Very good, Jake. Are you bitter by any chance?

Tweet of the week.... Three crackers this week: Firstly Huw Davies tweeted this Vine of Relegation Roger’s defending against Man City for West Ham. Think Bobby Moore v Pele, only without the tackle bit. Second up, Os former promotion-winning captain John Mackie claiming that it's not pants or socks, but his occasional column in the Os' programme that's responsible for Orient winning matches. Nice idea, John, but what about away games? And lastly Dean Cox gets a mention for his #askcoxy interview, in which he admitted that he doesn't like the Tiny Cox chant, but knows he's doing something right when the fans sing it. Naturally he heard it a lot today!

GUEST POST! Shrewsbury 0 Leyton Orient 2, 7/1/14

For the moment, I'm in Germany's version of east London - i.e. Berlin - so in my absence Orient fan and blogger Andy Brown (of WAGU and The Two Unfortunates fame) has kindly stepped in to give his view of the game against Shrewsbury... 

Eldin Jakupovic

A game in which... Orient never got out of second gear, but didn’t need to against a Shrewsbury team whose striking accuracy resembled Stevie Wonder trying to hit a bulls eye at the PDC. Meanwhile Eldin Jakupovic, our new keeper on loan from Hull, also seemed to intimidate them - nothing to do with his size and resemblance to Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction.

Orient didn’t really connect with their passing in the first half, often giving the ball away, but improved massively in the second-half. Nevertheless the Os looked sharp going forward all game and had that extra class up front. It was a real treat for the 144 hardy souls, many of whom had witnessed an unpleasant 4-0 FA Cup mauling at the hands of the Tractor Boys down in Yeovil.

Moment of magic... Jamar Loza, a 19-year-old  youth-loan arrival from Norwich City (who didn't arrive in time to make the back of Shrewsbury's programme) weaved between several players to slot through a lovely ball for January Os calendar poster boy Moses Odubajo to take it round the keeper and slot home Orient’s first from a tight angle.

Moment of madness... Former Os favourite Tamika Mkandawire, who headed firmly into his own net after a corner from Dean Cox. All the plaudits went to Scott Cuthbert, but it was clearly Tam who got the connection. Cheers for that, old chap! Scott Cuthbert had a dodgy second half, giving the ball away a few times and proving he’s about as comfortable at right back as jumping on a bike missing a saddle.

Top gun... A few candidates but Dean Cox and Moses Odubajo both looked a class apart, tormenting the full backs all night and creating plenty of chances. Lloyd James and Marvin Bartley were also excellent in preventing Shrewsbury’s midfield creating any real chances, as Jakupovic didn’t have one serious save to make.

Little donkey(s)... Tom Eaves and Aaron Wildig - aka Shrewsbury’s MIA strike-force - who despite being ably supported by the very talented Jon Taylor still couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo, even on the rare occasion that Captain Clarke was out-muscled. Easily the worst frontline the Os will face this season.

Russ wins the World Cup

In the dug out... Russell Slade got it dead right on the pitch again, bringing in Bartley and leaving Ness on the bench and the Os looked hard to breakdown throughout the game. The gaffer also came right up to the fans at the end punching the air like we’d won the World Cup, rather than away at Shrewsbury on a Tuesday night. High-fives all round and real togetherness in the club right now. Can you feel the love?

View from the opposition... A pretty quiet bunch all in all, despite piping up with “same old cockneys, always cheating” after various two-footed lunges on Dean Cox and Lloyd James that that should have resulted in dismissals. Also confusing was the number of fans wearing Man Utd gear in the Pro-Sport bar before the game - maybe they missed the coach to Sunderland? However, they are decent bunch who are really struggling for home form right now, which Os fans will hope changes when Brentford visit them in a few weeks!

Tweet of the week.... Our good friends in claret and blue up the road and their salad-dodging manager. They are the gift that won’t stop giving. After losing 5-0 at the weekend to Forest and getting annihilated 6-0 by Man City, Big Sam now has his own board game according to Tim Bolton.

Leyton Orient 0 Preston North End 1,16/11/13

A game in which... Preston took to the pitch pumped and primed for a vicious battle. Orient, on the other
hand, look pumped and primed for a pleasant Sunday afternoon stroll around a bird sanctuary. Yes, for the first 70 minutes of the game the Lilywhites fought harder, pressed harder and scored a beauty of a goal.

The Os did work up a bit of a head of steam towards the end of the match - once Shaun Batt was on the pitch, basically - but to no avail. But, hey, let's not get too upset. It's a massive testament to the way Orient are playing this season that very decent sides such as Preston need to be at the top of their game to take points from us. We're in the automatic promotion positions. Don't panic - enjoy.

Moment of magic... Scott Cuthbert's death-defying, flying tackle on Joe Garner in the second half. The Preston striker was clean through until the Orient defender (who had a great game) hurtled towards him like a pissed up Glaswegian trying to jump the queue at the chippy to ensure he gets the last deep fried Mars bar.

Moment of madness... The second-half moment when David Mooney fortuitously found the ball at his feet six yards in front of goal with no Preston defender anywhere near him. One can only guess what went through the striker's head. My guess is: "Feck! I've got the ball. Although I've just remembered I haven't picked up my dry cleaning yet. Perhaps I could do it tomorrow before I go to the golf course... Oh, I've been tackled. Feck."

Top gun... It's no coincidence that the only time Orient really built up any pressure was once Shaun Batt came on. The big man is a clanking, clattering whirl of trouble to opposition defences and things always happen when he's on the pitch. Time to start him at right midfield, with Moses behind him and Omozusi at left back?

Little donkey... It's obviously totally unfair to judge a new signing on the basis of one single kick of a football, but since in Robbie Simpson's case that kick was straight at the keeper when put clean through on goal in the fourth minute of injury time, I'm going to do exactly that. It was a chance that Homer Simpson could probably have scored, let alone Bart, Marge, Lisa and Maggie. O.J. would probably have murdered the chance too.

In the dug out... If you'll recall, Russell Slade said this after Tuesday's game against Stevenage: "We are only going to be successful if we taste failure." Well, ok, I think we've done enough tasting now though. In fact, in the context of this season the last two results have been a massive Kevin Dearden-sized binge on failure. But fear not: Orient have already proved this season that they can bounce back from adversity. They'll just need to do it again against Swindon.

View from the opposition... Respect to the Preston fans, who were in fine voice throughout. Not all of them were happy though: "£9.60 for two pints, the price to pay to #pnefc winning in the capital," wrote supporter Jon Allison.

Tweet of the week... Respect to Jamie Jones for tweeting the following during last night's Children In Need:
"Just donated £100 but I'll give £1 for every retweet this gets between now and 10 o'clock." Perhaps Jamie underestimated the power of Twitter, however, because over 8,000 retweets later it was looking like his League One goalkeeper's pay packet was going to take a bit of hammering. He hastily tweeted: "Limit reached at £1000 thanks for the awareness raised for the cause and keep donating." And fair play to him too. Though team mate Scott Cuthbert couldn't resist a crack, tweeting: "I will give @jamie1jones £1 for every retweet this gets, poor guys skint" and seconds later following up with: "Sorry my £1 limit has been reached, thanks for the retweets."

Leyton Orient 2 Crewe Alexandra 0, 24/8/13

Moses Odubajo scores for Orient

A game which… was played in such waterlogged conditions that Orient might have been better off bringing
their Speedos, snorkels and a pair of baby armbands for Dean Cox. Still, of the two teams Orient adapted much better resulting in a first half so one-sided it resembled a swimming race between Michael Phelps and a lump of concrete.

Yes, a two-goal lead was the least the home side deserved for some intoxicating attacking play from Cox, Odubajo, Lisbie and Mooney. Crewe – a decent side, make no mistake – came back hard in the second half but the Os bravely weathered the storm to record a fifth straight victory and leave them top of the League One table. Astonishing, really.

Moment of magic… If there’s anyone you want to see grabbing the ball when Orient are awarded a penalty, it’s not David Mooney. Still, it’s a measure of the Irishman’s confidence this season that – after Kevin Lisbie stroked wide from the spot just minutes earlier – he stepped up to the plate and slotted home from 12 yards.

Moment of madness… A solitary moment of dawdling by Scott Cuthbert (who was otherwise immense) in the second half that led to two Crewe players – don’t know which, so let’s call them both Dean Ashton – bearing down on goal. Not sure what was going through the Scot’s mind, but I’ll take a stab at: “Deep-fried Mars Bars and Braveheart on DVD tonight if we get through this one, lads.”

Top Gun… Helpfully Orient PA Philip Othen announces the man of the match towards the end of each game these days, saving me the trouble of trying to figure it out for myself. Today it was awarded to Moses Odubajo, which seems fair enough for a first half in which he repeatedly penetrated the Crewe defence like a German U-Boat attacking a flotilla of rubber ducks. I’d have given it to Jamie Jones though.

Little donkey… No bad performances from anyone in an Orient shirt. Indeed, the team was on fire today – or at least it would have been if it wasn't under three feet of water.

The management… “I’m getting a real buzz off the clean sheets,” said Russell Slade after the game, suggesting that the midweek nights alone in his Brisbane Road flat are pretty exciting on laundry day. But let’s take our hats off to a manager who pretty much everyone wanted sacked this time last year – Russell, we salute you.

View from the opposition… “Dominated Leyton Orient second half,” writes irate Crewe fan Tom Royle with predictable bias. “Wonder how much Russell Slade was paying the ref #fuming”

Tweet of the week... Only one candidate here: this photo by Os fan Adam Sampson from Stevenage last week, proving that there is food on offer at football grounds actually worse than the Labrador Pies and Scottish Border Collie Burgers available at Brisbane Road. Adam's tweet went viral - a similar reaction to that you'd expect from actually eating the cheesy chips - and made it into the national press. Stevenage FC denied the concoction was on sale at all in a dubious tweet full of dire cheese-based puns - demonstrating that when it comes to customer service, they don't give Edam. Sorry.

Orient by numbers… Four league wins out of four equals Orient’s best ever start to the season in 1910/11. “Nearly 430,000 people turned up to our fifth game,” recalled groundsman Billy Smith. “It would have been more, but it clashed with a particularly funny episode of the radio comedy ‘Vicar, Where’s Me Trousers?’”

Leyton Orient 4 Carlisle United 1, 16/3/13

A game in which... Orient found victory so easy that by the time they were 3-0 up they began nonchalantly caressing the ball around like they'd suddenly been possessed by the spirits of the current Barcelona squad. Inevitably about six seconds later this hugely inappropriate showboating led directly to a Carlisle goal, demonstrating the reality that Orient have more in common with Lionel Blair than Lionel Messi.

Still, let that not detract from the fact that this is a team in a rich vein of form, one that will almost certainly lead to them losing 4-0 to already-relegated Oldham on the final day of the season when a draw would have been enough to see them into the play-offs. Bring it on!

Moment of magic... What a great moment it was to see David Mooney - just seconds after coming on as a substitute - embark on a rampage towards goal that was so determined and dexterous it was like watching a canny Irishman weaving in the direction of the bar for last orders in a rammed Kilburn pub. If they'd been present, Sean Thornton and JJ Melligan would have looked on approvingly - assuming they could still see straight after 29 pints of Guinness, that is.

Moment of madness... When the unfortunate Scott Cuthbert was hit plum in the, well, plums yet managed to stay defiantly on his feet until the ball had gone out of play. We've always suspected the Scottish defender possessed balls of steel. Turns out he quite literally has.

Romain Vincelot swapped this for
Leyton High Road

Knight in shining armour... Amara Simba, Jonathan Tehoue, Mathieu Baudry... The list of great French players to wear the Orient shirt, well, stops there... Or does it, for on today's performance Orient fans could soon be singing the name of Romain Vincelot, if only they knew how to pronounce it. The former Brighton man played with inexplicable joie de vivre considering he's swapped cafe au laits on the Champs-Elysees for the vomit-splattered streets of Leyton. Vive la difference! 

Pantomime horse... No bad performances from anyone in an Orient shirt today, so let's instead take a moment to ridicule Carlisle's back-up keeper Adam Collin, whose first action of the game was to pick Kevin Lisbie's penalty out of the net. He followed that by almost slicing the ball into his own goal, then did exactly the same thing again seconds later as if he was participating in an exercise at the Glenn Morris School of Kicking for Keepers. He did pull off a blinding save from Lee Cook, mind.

In the dugout... "It's been a perfect week," said Russell Slade after the match, presumably forgetting the fact that in between Orient's three victories he'd lost two games of Monopoly at Kevin Dearden's legendary "Burgers, Beer, Board Games and Burgers" night in at his gaff. Fair play to the manager, though, for he's managed to get his team ticking at the business end of the season. God knows, if he actually figures out how to win a game before October one season we might actually get promoted.

Meanwhile on Twitter... A picture is worth a thousands words, but in the case of this photo of Dean Cox kindly tweeted by Adam Meagher, all those thousand words are 'WHY?'.

Statto corner... Kevin Lisbie's 13th league goal puts him in equal sixth place in the division's top scorers table. The last time an Orient player actually topped the chart was in the 1966/67 season when centre half Anthony Alan Ackerman took the number one spot before a ball was even kicked, simply by virtue of his alphabetically convenient name.

Stevenage 0 Leyton Orient 1, 2/2/13

A game which... was a momentous one for Leyton Orient fans, for after years of enduring the woeful likes of Sam Parkin, James Scowcroft, Calvin Andrew and Michael Symes, we finally got to witness a 'big striker' doing things like 'winning headers', 'using his strength' and 'causing problems'. Yes, Shaun Batt is the sort of imposing target man that Martin Ling has lurid, lascivious dreams about at night, only to wake up the next morning to the horrific reality that he's actually signed Ryan Jarvis.

In his 65 minutes on the pitch the Millwall loanee helped create chance after chance for Charlie MacDonald to fluff, allowing Orient to record an impressive away win to which the 1-0 scoreline doesn't do justice - it could have been many more.

David Mooney

Moment of magic... An outrageous bit of skill by David Mooney who, with no one near him, somehow managed to nutmeg himself and tread on the ball, thus ending up spreadeagled on the ground like a baby giraffe that's just tried - and failed - to take its first tentative steps. Altogether now: "There's only one David Mooney / One David Mooney / He used to be shite, now he's still mostly shite but sometimes alright / Walking in a Mooney wonderland..."`

Moment of madness... You can see why Russell Slade wanted to keep Jimmy Smith fresh ahead of Tuesday's big game against Southend, but resting him actually on the pitch in midfield was a bit bizarre.

Knight in shining armour... With Ben Chorley lining up for the opposition ("I didn't want to leave, but when Sweens borrowed a bit of my shower gel without asking in 2010 I knew there was no way back") it allowed Scott Cuthbert to prove that he's the best central defender at the club apart from Mathieu Baudry. Yes, the craggy Scot was immense - just as he was against Stevenage last season - and whenever a stray ball spooned up off of Anthony Griffith's shin, Cuthbert was there to mop it up.

Not Jamie Jones

Pantomime horse... What has happened to Jamie Jones? Where once he used to command his penalty area with all the confidence of a youthful Warren Beatty strutting into a cheerleaders' convention, now he quivers under crosses like a late-developing teenager fumbling with his very first bra strap. He's still a great shot-stopper, mind (and pulled off two classy saves in this match), but is all over the place when coming off his line.

In the dug out... What a joy it must have been for Russell Slade to rest players in advance of an important cup game and still field a team capable of winning away from home. Had Geraint Williams tried a similar thing his second string would have had to include Adrien Patulea, Loick Pires and a 6ft blow-up doll on wheels. Or worse, Mike Cestor.

Meanwhile on Twitter... "Cox almost messed up that simple goal" tweeted fan Daniel Boyce after the game, a sentiment echoed by fellow tweeter Simon Weston who chimed "Well said mate". But little did they expect the man himself to be meticulously trawling Twitter for any mention of his name: "Well said mate?" replied Tiny, in what's known in the social media world as "Doing a Jimmy Smith".

Statto corner... In Ben Chorley's 131 appearances for the club, Orient conceded 197 goals. Responsibility for the mistakes that led to those goals were as follows:

179 Leon McSweeney
8 Jamie Jones
6 Scott Cuthbert
4 Stephen Purches
0 Ben Chorley

(Statistics © Ben Chorley)

Leyton Orient 0 Swindon Town 0, 29/1/13

Paolo Di Canio

A game in which... Orient did well to draw against a classy side whose principle weapon of attack appeared to be taking throw-ins 10 yards further up the pitch than they should have been. Yes, under the direction of a wildly gesticulating and apparently deranged Italian traffic cop who'd presumably ended up in the opposition dug out after a 48-hour ketamine binge, Swindon dominated possession in swirling conditions. But, the Os defence held firm to come away with an important point. 

Moment of magic... Mathieu Baudry calmly and elegantly dribbling his way out of his own penalty area in the first half with such Gallic flair it was a wonder he didn't then light up a Gitane, don a beret and disdainfully pick at a plate of Brie. 

Moment of madness... When Andy D'Urso - a referee unencumbered by traditional notions of consistency - refused to award a penalty for a trip on Moses Odubajo in the second half, thus denying David Mooney the opportunity to shoot tamely into the goalkeeper's arms from 12 yards.       

Knight in shining armour... All the back four were in fine form today, but Scott Cuthbert should get a special mention for some scything tackles, last-ditch defending and a cheeky little handball right before Swindon hit the post in the second half. 

Pantomime villain... Paolo Di Canio, whose relentless stream-of-consciousness ranting and pantomime preening really was something to behold. Most of it was directed at assistant manager Fabrizio Piccareta, who during matches must feel like a babysitter charged with trying to control an attention-deficient toddler who's just mainlined three litres of Sunny Delight and decided to single-handedly re-enact every scene from Annie the Musical.  

In the dug out... Faced with the sophisticated tactics of a sharply-dressed Italian in the opposition dug out, Big Russ did what any self-respecting League One manager would do and instructed his team to: "FUCKING LUMP IT UP TO MOONS AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS." To be honest, given the condition of the pitch it was probably the best thing to do, and were it not for a classy save from Swindon keeper Wes Foderingham from Jimmy Smith's shot at the death, Orient could have snatched a slightly undeserved but battling victory. 

View from the opposition... "First half we dominated and deserved a goal," says Swindon fan Dan Johnson. "Richie ran the show. But in the second half Orient started to play and we were poor. Good point for the Os but a poor result for Town. Odubajo was very good and caused us problems. Foderingham once again spared our blushes."

Orient defend a corner

Statto corner... Today's pitch was the muddiest since a game against Hull City in January 1976. "I was up to my knees in it so could hardly move," recalled striker Micky Bullock. "Which was lucky really as I'd had 37 pints the night before with Bill Roffey and Gerry Queen."

Tranmere Rovers 3 Leyton Orient 1, 18/8/12

A game in which… Orient 2012/13 did a pretty good impression of a football team. Unfortunately that football team was Orient 2011/12. Yes, this was a performance that picked off where last season ended: idea-less in the opponents’ half, susceptible in defence and lacking in cutting edge.

So while the gritty 6ft-plus ballwinners added to the team at least gives us a bit of bite in midfield, without any playmakers (like Matthew Spring) or someone to carry the ball forward (like Stephen Dawson), our ability to unlock an opposition defence is akin to a gang of safecrackers who turn up at Fort Knox armed with nothing but a feather duster and a blancmange.

Moment of magic… Slim pickings here, but let’s go for Michael Symes, who by the looks of him has never had slim pickings of anything in his life. Still, the former Rochdale man did at least convert the soft penalty awarded to Orient as a consolation.

Moment of madness… Tranmere’s decision to excessively time-waste when 3-0 up when they could quite easily have scored a hatful more. Hope you don’t miss out on the play-offs on goal difference, lads!

Knight in shining armour… Until he got injured, Scott Cuthbert was holding the defence together like a valiant firefighter putting out a raging inferno with his own bare hands while those around him flapped around aimlessly firing toy water pistols and throwing cups of Ribena.

Pantomime horse… No, not David Mooney today, but new right back Lloyd James. The new signing spent the first half hour repeatedly gifting the ball to the opposition as if he was in some sort of Olympic-inspired pageant-swapping ritual in which Tranmere refused to take part. Worse still, for the home side’s first goal right back Zoumana Bakayogo didn’t so much as leave him for dead, but battered him over the head with a blunt instrument and dumped him in the Wirral.

In the dug out… Kevin Nugent: “Hey Russ, we’re 2-0 down with 25 minutes to go and things don’t seem to be working – reckon we should change things round a bit? Maybe make a substitution? Perhaps bring on one of the two strikers you’ve only just signed?” Russell Slade: “That’s the sort of kneejerk tactical naivety I’d expect from you, Nuge. If big Clarko can stuff one in the mixer and big Moono can get on the… oh, they’ve scored again.”

Opposition view… Tranmere fan Paul Harper says, politely: “I thought Tranmere dominated for 70 minutes and played some good stuff. We scored three very good goals. Orient looked lacklustre until the final 20 minutes. They stepped it up at the end and threw people forward, but it was too little too late.”

Meanwhile on Twitter… Terrible news for Jimmy Smith when - as this picture he tweeted shows - he became stuck in a massage chair in an M1 service station for 27 hours and was thus unable to play in today's game. What - he was playing?! Did anyone see him? Did he do anything? 

Statto corner… This was Orient’s 26^th consecutive opening-day defeat, the last victory coming in 1986 when Terry Howard bamboozled the Brentford defence by wandering on to the pitch unnoticed 38 minutes into the game having been persuaded to watch ‘one last race’ at Walthamstow Dogs. 

Leyton Orient 0 Sheffield Wednesday 1, 24/3/12

A game in which... Orient put in an effort but - like a knight who can't really be bothered to climb a tower to rescue a damsel in distress but does at least have the decency to call the fire brigade - it was hardly a valiant one. Essentially, Sheffield Wednesday are a much, much better team than us and, despite the 1-0 scoreline, didn't really have to break a sweat to take the three points.

Moment of class... Leon McSweeney's perfectly executed penalty area tackle in the second half that surely prevented a goal. Mind you, though the Irishman has a degree from Loughborough University surely even he couldn't figure out why Slade asked he and Terrell Forbes to swap right and left back positions today.

Moment of madness... Slade's second-half decision to take off Adam Reed rather than Dean Leacock to make way for George Porter. A small section of the crowd (i.e. the Orient fans) let the manager know exactly what they thought of that, and Reed himself wasn't exactly shy in letting his feelings show. I'm not saying Slade has totally lost the plot, but he's certainly misplaced it somewhere around the stadium and is going to have trouble finding it again before Tuesday.

Knight in shining armour... Chorley had a reasonable game but once again Scott Cuthbert was the only player to really shine in an Os' shirt. God only knows we might have even keep a clean sheet once in a while had we occasionally fielded a recognised right and/or left back alongside our centre backs.

Pantomime horse... Fair play to Slade, he's finally realised Terrell Forbes isn't a right back. Bizarrely the manager elected to give former Yeovil man a run out at left back today instead, the footballing equivalent of figuring that someone who's just failed their First Aid Certificate might fare better if they were allowed to perform brain surgery.

In the dug out... "The important thing was to stay in it," said Slade after the game, telling you all you need to know about his ambitions for a home game in which three points were crucial. Enough said.

A word on the opposition... Sheffield Wednesday were well-organised, battling and have a fair bit of pace and flair. I would suggest they didn't need to get out of second gear to take the three points, but in truth they didn't even need bother starting the engine.

Meanwhile on Twitter... This week Orient's philosopher-in-residence Jimmy Smith has been trying to tackle the big existential questions of life, via the medium of Only Fools And Horses. He tweeted: "Trigger- iv had the same broom for 10 years, its had 17 new heads an 10 new handles. HaHaHaHa (How the F**K is it the same broom thn LOL)" Clearly this metaphysical conundrum was a bit much for Jimmy and shortly after the midfielder posted the rules you see pictured here, which should help him get through the week without overtaxing his brain.

Lesson for the day... The only time we look even vaguely like scoring was when George Porter came on. Many managers may interpret this as an indication that George Porter should perhaps be allowed more time on the pitch. Russell??

Leyton Orient 1 Scunthorpe United 3, 18/2/12

Jon Parkin

A game in which... Scunthorpe started with one simple tactic: wrestling Orient players to the ground at every available opportunity. (And had even taken the bold step of employing Giant Haystacks as a lone striker to help them do so.) The Os dealt with this fairly effectively in the first half, such that in the second the Iron had to resort to playing actual football, something that Orient are clearly unable to cope with at Brisbane Road. So, yet again, an impressive away victory has been followed up by a woeful performance at home. Sigh.

Moment of magic... Scott Cuthbert's fingertip save in the final minutes after he'd taken the gloves in place of the injured Lee Butcher, instantly elevating him above Stuart Nelson, Glenn Morris, Ashley Bayes and Lee Harrison in the list of Orient's best goalkeepers of this century. 

Moment of madness... Jon Parkin's ludicrous decision to shoot from near on 40 yards in the second half. His effort - which looped apologetically towards the corner flag - bore all the finesse of a rhinoceros trying to perform Swan Lake. 

Knight in shining armour... Once again selecting an Orient man of the match is like trying to figure out which is the best episode of Piers Morgan's Life Stories. The answer, of course, is none of them. Lisbie worked hard, Ryan Dickson seemed solid and debutant Soloman Taiwo looked vaguely promising - like an incomplete version of Stephen Dawson with less inclination to mouth off to opposing players and the referee. 

Dean Leacock

Pantomime horse... Russell Slade described Dean Leacock as his 'Rolls Royce', though unfortunately on this underwhelming performance the defender was more reminiscent of a malfunctioning Kia Picanto. 

In the dug out... Russell Slade made a real slip-up today - and I don't just mean his decision to bring on David Mooney. The manager actually slipped over in the rain, which would have been funny save for the fact that Jonathan Tehoue clearly interpreted the gesture as his instructions for the game and proceeded to follow suit for 90 minutes. 

Andy Barcham

A word on the opposition... No surprise to see former O and part-time Shrek impersonator Andy Barcham get on the scoresheet, and to be fair to Scunthorpe they took the game to the hosts in the second half and didn't look like a team that are sitting in the bottom four. Orient took that honour on their behalf.

Meanwhile on Twitter... George Porter is Orient's ladies' man-in-residence on Twitter and frequently regales the opposite sex with tweety charmers that go along the lines of "Hey fit birds why don't U ware tighter clothes?" Valentine's Day, then, gave him a perfect opportunity to share the love. Instead, however, he tweeted this: "I bet that at least 75% per cent of people in a relationship have cheated on there partner.... happy valentines day you dreamers!! X" Charming. Still, Georgie's a little misunderstood, as he himself later explained: "I wish people would see me for who I am not my massive 6 pack haa."

Lesson for the day... Given that the main positive of the day was Scott Cuthbert's performance in goal, perhaps playing people out of their natural position is the way forward? Lee Butcher in midfield? Kevin Lisbie at left back? David Mooney as a striker? Oh, hang on...

Leyton Orient 1 Chesterfield 1, 14/1/12

A game which... turned on Russell Slade's controversial decision to replace Lee Cook with Marc Laird. Taking off the game's principle attacking threat in an apparent attempt to shore up a 1-0 home lead over the division's bottom club with over 20 minutes to go was something akin to a Formula 1 boss hauling Lewis Hamilton out of his car at a pit-stop with the words, "Hey Lewis, since you're three milliseconds ahead of Sebastian Vettel how about you let my eight-year-old son finish the race for you?"

Lo and behold Laird's first action was to get turned inside his penalty box to allow Jimmy Juan to score Chesterfield's equaliser. And while the former Millwall man went some way to making amends with a lively performance, the damage to an already underwhelming Orient display was already done.

Moment of magic... David 'Wayne' Mooney's darting run to the inside post and deft flick into the far corner of the net that gave the Os the lead. The former Colchester man continues to divide fans - some think he's hopeless; others reckon he's useless - but this flash of brilliance shows there's talent lurking there somewhere.

Moment of madness... Conversely, for all Kevin Lisbie's obvious class, he hasn't been hitting the net much of late and today fluffed his big chance when he was clean through in the second half with only the keeper to beat. He and Mooney, meanwhile, continue to display all the empathy you'd expect of a meeting between Jeremy Clarkson and the Dalai Lama.

Knight in shining armour... Also currently known as 'The Scott Cuthbert Award' which, this week, goes to... Scott Cuthbert. Yes, this was another masterclass in the art of defending from the hardy Scot. Russell Slade may have brought in two more central defenders this week, but on this form Cuthbert should be the first name on the team sheet every match.

Pantomime horse... Jonathan Tehoue will always be something of a hero at Brisbane Road, but is it really too much to ask of a player who's now been with us for two years to, you know, get fit occasionally? In today's late cameo he appeared so bemused to be on an actual football pitch it was like watching a Maasai tribesman of east Africa try to outwit a bunch of Croydon teenagers at their local Laser Quest.

In the dug out... Russell Slade has experimented a few times with Dean Cox in the centre of midfield, each time with all the success of Emma Bunton's post-Spice Girl career. With Dawson out injured he had to do something, but surely against the division's bottom club playing Cox and Cook on alternative wings with Smith and Spring in the middle wouldn't have been too much to ask? And, on another matter, there's a logic to treating an emerging talent such as George Porter with kid gloves, but Slade seems to have locked him in a soft play centre and thrown away the key.

A word on the opposition... Another Orient v Chesterfield clash that'll sit alongside the many other classic encounters between the two sides such as... erm... no, it's gone. Still, no disrespect to the Spireites, they fully deserved their point and, worryingly, almost built up enough head of steam to actually win at the end.

Meanwhile on Twitter... You have to hand it to Jimmy Smith, he's not afraid to use Twitter to relate the most mundane details of his life. Even so, surely this - "Who ever invented a dish washer is a ledge coz mine is full now pressing the start button #LEGOOOOOOOO" - represents a new low not just for the former Chelsea man, but also for social networking in general and perhaps, too, of the whole history of human communication. Next week: George Porter on boiling a kettle, Scott Cuthbert on the various cycles of his washing machine and Dean Cox on the joys of opening and shutting his fridge door.

Lesson for the day... It's probably best to play people in the correct positions: Dean Cox = left wing; Jimmy Smith = centre midfield; Marc Laird = bench.

Stevenage 0 Leyton Orient 1, 2/1/12

Michael Bostwick tackles Marc Laird

A game in which... Orient mistakenly turned up expecting to play a football match, only to discover that in fact they were tasked with taking part in an ancient Hertfordshire ritual in which seven-foot locals kick 11 out-of-towners up in the air for 90 minutes to celebrate the New Year.

Yes, in some ways this was an even more satisfying victory than against Charlton, given that for the majority of the second half Orient had only 10 men to counter the 11 Stevenage players who'd been recently chiselled out of local granite in preparation for the day's game. Battle-hardened in defence, savvy in midfield and staying true to their ball-playing principles, this was a heroic win for the Os. Respect.

Moment of magic... Lee Cook's first goal for Orient. The on-loan winger has been improving every game he plays and today showed his class with a deftly-taken goal.

Moment of madness... You can see what Marc Laird, with his back to goal in the Stevenage penalty area, was thinking as the ball arrowed towards him: "This is my big moment. I've struggled to win over the fans so far, but remember Chris Tate? He was equally unconvincing until an overhead kick at Barnet ignited his Orient career. If only I could do the same. Here goes..." Unfortunately Laird's bicycle effort went straight at the keeper so it'll be a while before he's accorded cult hero status at Brisbane Road. Don't hold your breath though...

King for a day... Forbes, Spring, Dawson, McSweeney and Cook were all superb, but the man of match has to be Scott Cuthbert, whose performance was so full of grit that they could use him to de-ice all the roads in Essex for the entire winter. Not many central defenders get their own terrace chant, as Cuthbert did today, but the former Swindon man has been absolutely immense of late. One particular last-ditch tackle on Chuks Aneke - a Stevenage substitute rather than a new range of Japanese confectionery - was sumptuously timed.

Pantomime horse... Jimmy Smith put in yet another anonymous performance today, having... Oh, what, hang on, he wasn't playing? In which case, the only pantomime horse was man-in-the-middle Darren Sheldrake, who was to refereeing what Russell Brand is to fidelity. This blog details his car crash of a performance superbly.

In the dug out... There was a fair amount of head-scratching among Orient fans when the team was announced - Mooney on his own up front, Laird in the middle - but fair play to big Russ, he got it bang on today. Presumably in preparation for Stevenage's tactics his training sessions involved dropping boulders down on the team from great height while Kevin Nugent tried to tackle them with a combine harvester.

A word on the opposition... When Stevenage came to Brisbane Road they looked tough, physical and well-organised. Today they looked tough, physical and psychopathic. Until, that is, Ben Chorley had the temerity to retaliate, upon which Chris Beardsley went down screaming like an attention-seeking schoolgirl who'd slightly grazed her knee after stumbling during a game of kiss chase. Fair play to Stevenage, though, their brand of football has taken them higher up the league than Orient, but today was surely an off day for them, given that they managed not a single shot on target despite their numerical advantage.

Meanwhile on Twitter... A hilarious and revealing insight into the tomfoolery that goes on in the Orient dressing room, courtesy of George Porter who tweeted "Best banter to date!!!!" and uploaded this picture in which some wags have covered half of Stephen Dawson's name so that his shirt simply reads 'Son'. (In witty reference to his supposed relationship with Russell Slade.) You don't have to be mad to work at Orient... (wait for it)... But it helps!

Lesson for the day... Charlton came to out-football Orient and lost. Stevenage set out to rearrange Orient's internal organs and lost. Is there any way to beat the Os these days? Here's hoping no one figures it out for some time to come...

Leyton Orient 0 MK Dons 3, 26/12/11

A game in which... it seemed apparent that the MK Dons squad had spent Christmas Day drinking protein shakes, doing one-handed press-ups and firing themselves up by watching the famous Battle of Agincourt speech from Henry V. The Orient team, meanwhile, had clearly passed the time with their heads stuck down a bumper-sized box of Quality Street while plumped on the sofa sniggering, burping and farting their way through Home Alone.

So despite a relatively bright first half in which, to be fair, Orient could have gone ahead if it wasn't for the fact that their finishing was about as clinical as an operating theatre located in a sewer, the home side fell apart in the second and allowed an impressive MK Dons side to totally dominate and record a deserved victory.

Moment of magic... Not many to choose from, but Lee Butcher did pull off an impressive reflex save with his feet in the second half, diverting a close range shot onto the underside of the crossbar. That said, moments later he was so transfixed by Adam Smith's 35-yard strike that he simply watched in wonder as it sailed into his top corner, almost as if he'd just witnessed the Star of Bethlehem in the east London sky.

Moment of madness... When Jamie Cureton found himself alone on the opposition six-yard box with the ball at his feet and no defender near him, yet still managed to skew the ball onto the post. The fact that he was actually offside is by the by - at this rate you'd get better odds on Barry Hearn revealing himself to be the real Santa Claus than 'the Orient Torres' actually getting the ball in the back of the net before the season's up.

Knight in shining armour... Terrell Forbes tends to go about his business with the quiet efficiency of a mild-mannered mortgage adviser, but seasoned Brisbane Road observers will note he's seldom put a foot wrong this season. Today, in particular, he was imperious at the back in the face of the impressive MK Dons frontline of Dean Bowditch and some fella name of Jabo.

Pantomime horse... Now, Scott Cuthbert has been in superb form in the centre of defence this season, but clearly isn't the answer at right back given that he's got all the delivery skills of a bicycle courier on acid. He's not helped by the Russell Slade's aversion to playing right midfielders in front of him but - and here's a sentence you probably thought would never exist in the whole history of time - it'll be good to have Leon McSweeney back.

In the dug out... Some slightly bemusing decisions from the big man today, not least taking off Matthew Spring to allow George Porter on, when surely Jimmy Smith was the more logical choice given that Spring was actually giving some level of control to Orient's passing, while Smith was, well, you know, running around in circles wondering whether he needed to trim his hair again tomorrow or the day after.

A word on the opposition... To keep things in perspective it should be noted that MK Dons are one of the best sides to rock up at Brisbane Road this season, and Orient did match them throughout the first half. Meanwhile, it's worth remembering that at the end of the 2007/08 season Orient replaced Jabo Ibehre with Ryan Jarvis, which is something akin to a car enthusiast trading in his Ferrari Superamerica 45 for a punctured space hopper.

Meanwhile on Twitter... Thanks to the magic of Twitter we get to discover what Orient players get up to on Christmas Day. Dean Cox was on chef duties, as we can see from this picture which, incredibly, was actually taken inside the kitchen of a doll's house. Scott Cuthbert, too (also pictured), was also cooking - either that or he's moonlighting as a cut-price stripper.

Jimmy Smith was as excitable as ever: "Family getting drunk mum is doing me head in lol have some off my water mum lol #LEGOOOOOO". George Porter, meanwhile, celebrated the festive season the only way he knows how: "They'll be some love making, heart breaking, soul shaking !!" he tweeted before settling down to watch Downtown Abbey on his own with a monster pack of Doritos.

Lesson for the day... Three, in fact. Don't let your best strikers leave! Try not to eat too many mince pies if you're a professional footballer! Right midfielders are helpful!