Leyton Orient v Hartlepool: The game that never was 25/8/12

Here's me on Sports Tonight Live talking about the Hartlepool no-show:

Leyton Orient: Best ever No9s

This season the Football League has appointed Prostate Cancer UK as its official charity. To celebrate the partnership, Prostate Cancer UK has asked bloggers from each of the 72 Football League clubs to select the top five players to have worn the iconic No9 shirt.

Why the number nine shirt? It's in recognition of the fact that prostate cancer will affect one in nine men. 

These were my top five Leyton Orient No9s. (Plus one to forget!)

You can also see who my fellow bloggers selected as their top five No9s. 

Tranmere Rovers 3 Leyton Orient 1, 18/8/12

A game in which… Orient 2012/13 did a pretty good impression of a football team. Unfortunately that football team was Orient 2011/12. Yes, this was a performance that picked off where last season ended: idea-less in the opponents’ half, susceptible in defence and lacking in cutting edge.

So while the gritty 6ft-plus ballwinners added to the team at least gives us a bit of bite in midfield, without any playmakers (like Matthew Spring) or someone to carry the ball forward (like Stephen Dawson), our ability to unlock an opposition defence is akin to a gang of safecrackers who turn up at Fort Knox armed with nothing but a feather duster and a blancmange.

Moment of magic… Slim pickings here, but let’s go for Michael Symes, who by the looks of him has never had slim pickings of anything in his life. Still, the former Rochdale man did at least convert the soft penalty awarded to Orient as a consolation.

Moment of madness… Tranmere’s decision to excessively time-waste when 3-0 up when they could quite easily have scored a hatful more. Hope you don’t miss out on the play-offs on goal difference, lads!

Knight in shining armour… Until he got injured, Scott Cuthbert was holding the defence together like a valiant firefighter putting out a raging inferno with his own bare hands while those around him flapped around aimlessly firing toy water pistols and throwing cups of Ribena.

Pantomime horse… No, not David Mooney today, but new right back Lloyd James. The new signing spent the first half hour repeatedly gifting the ball to the opposition as if he was in some sort of Olympic-inspired pageant-swapping ritual in which Tranmere refused to take part. Worse still, for the home side’s first goal right back Zoumana Bakayogo didn’t so much as leave him for dead, but battered him over the head with a blunt instrument and dumped him in the Wirral.

In the dug out… Kevin Nugent: “Hey Russ, we’re 2-0 down with 25 minutes to go and things don’t seem to be working – reckon we should change things round a bit? Maybe make a substitution? Perhaps bring on one of the two strikers you’ve only just signed?” Russell Slade: “That’s the sort of kneejerk tactical naivety I’d expect from you, Nuge. If big Clarko can stuff one in the mixer and big Moono can get on the… oh, they’ve scored again.”

Opposition view… Tranmere fan Paul Harper says, politely: “I thought Tranmere dominated for 70 minutes and played some good stuff. We scored three very good goals. Orient looked lacklustre until the final 20 minutes. They stepped it up at the end and threw people forward, but it was too little too late.”

Meanwhile on Twitter… Terrible news for Jimmy Smith when - as this picture he tweeted shows - he became stuck in a massage chair in an M1 service station for 27 hours and was thus unable to play in today's game. What - he was playing?! Did anyone see him? Did he do anything? 

Statto corner… This was Orient’s 26^th consecutive opening-day defeat, the last victory coming in 1986 when Terry Howard bamboozled the Brentford defence by wandering on to the pitch unnoticed 38 minutes into the game having been persuaded to watch ‘one last race’ at Walthamstow Dogs. 

Capital One Cup: Charlton 1 Leyton Orient 1 (3-4 pens), 14/8/12

A game in which... It appeared that Russell Slade's summer transfer activity had involved popping down to the Olympic Park to offer contracts to members of the Ukrainian weightlifting team. Yes, this was a different Orient that took to the field from seasons past, one apparently chiselled from local granite and lining up in a new formation known as 4-4-GET-IT-IN-THE-FUCKING-MIXER.

But, hey, no complaints - as the game wore on it became apparent this was an Orient team prepared to slug out a result instead of running home to mummy to tell tales on the big kid who wouldn't give their ball back. And if this is what it takes to avoid another season of relegation dogfighting, then I'll drink a protein shake to that.

Moment of magic... Ryan Brunt's winning penalty, coolly slotted into the corner and continuing the fine recent tradition of British teenagers excelling themselves in east London. Expect him to buy a Ferrari Maranello and tout himself to Barcelona within days.

Moment of madness... The decision to let David Mooney take Orient's second-half penalty, the equivalent of an Olympic gymnastics team manoeuvring themselves into a gold medal-winning position and then handing the responsibility of their final balance beam routine to Boris Johnson.

Knight in shining armour... There were a few encouraging performances from the Orient new boys, including skipper Nathan Clarke, midfielder Anthony Griffith and left back Gary Sawyer. But Mathieu Baudry, playing in the holding role and scoring Orient's equalising goal, probably edged it, taking to the game with all the apparent relish of a Frenchman to a horse sandwich.

Pantomime horse... It's that man David Mooney again, who put in a performance of such jaw-dropping ineptitude that if he were an Olympic badminton player then he'd have been banned for deliberately trying to throw the game. The mind truly boggles as to what Slade sees in the Irishman, but his latest catalogue of ballooned misses, poor decision-making and the loss of possession that led directly to Charlton's goal is surely going to relegate him to the bench for Saturday? Please?

In the dug out... So it looks like Russell Slade's got his mojo back and has spent the summer coming up with a clear tactical plan for the season rather than looking wistfully at photos of Barnsley's famous Gateway Plaza shopping complex. That tactical plan is apparently to catapult the ball into the opposition's penalty area via the long throws of Nathan Clarke at every available opportunity. Still, it's got more chance of success than expecting Marc Laird to deftly weight a ball into the path of Jamie Cureton.

Opposition view... Charlton fan Sam Morton says, rather generously: "I think the result was fair to be honest. Some of your players impressed me, mainly Dean Cox who looks a tidy player. I'd also like to applaud your support as it's probably the best I've seen from you."

Meanwhile on Twitter... There's rich pickings this season on Twitter, with a good many of Orient's new crop choosing this as their preferred vehicle for 'banter'. Let's focus first on Mathieu Baudry - @mathbaudry5 - who describes himself as 'Leyton Orient's player' and was thus probably quite surprised to see 10 other people take the pitch in the same colour shirt as him. "forget tennistable and badmington... Juts give medals to china and win time" he tweeted during the Olympics, no doubt causing Gary Lineker to fear for his job. More poignantly, during the closing ceremony he issued a plaintive cry for an absent friend: "where is susan boyle? #britishicone"

Statto corner... Mathieu Baudry's equaliser was Orient's first goal from a set piece since 2001, when a Dean Smith free kick heading towards the corner flag cannoned in off Scott Houghton's backside.

Matt Lockwood on Orient's promotion season 2005/06

Left-back, penalty specialist and Orient legend Matt Lockwood was a key part of the side that achieved promotion from League Two in spectacular fashion six years ago.

Here he looks back on that wonderful season of 2005/06...

“Every season you start off thinking this is going to be your year. But Orient fans think that the team will chuck it away at the end, that we’ll do something wrong. Even in that last game of 2005/06 at Oxford I bet all the fans were expecting us to go and lose! You just get used to slipping up at the last hurdle.

But from the players’ point of view we were really confident that year. I don’t think the league was the best that season - there weren’t that many decent teams in it.

The FA Cup run [Orient got to the fourth round before narrowly losing to Charlton] was a massive help. It gave us the confidence. When we were drawn against Fulham in the third round we thought it was brilliant that we’d got a Premier League club away, but you worry you could get tonked.

But when we got to Craven Cottage the team sheet came through and we looked at it and thought, hang on, they’ve got quite a few out, we’ve got a chance here. We had the same team we’d been playing all year.

Before the game started, in the warm up, I asked a mate in the crowd if he’d put a bet on. He said yes, so I said ‘I’d go and double it if I were you.’ I really fancied us. I don’t know why. And we started off doing really well and I honestly think we deserved that win. We were the better team. That was just fantastic. It was such a shock for the footballing world.

After the game my phone didn’t stop. People couldn’t believe it. There was a sense of pride - we were a League Two team and we’d gone to a Premier League club and beaten them. Then we got rewarded with another Premier League club away in the next round, Charlton.

I thought we played really well that day. We had loads of chances. When we went 1-0 down I thought, ‘Oh, we can get spanked’, but then we came back with Steelo’s goal. And just as I was thinking we could hang on for a draw they go and get a spawny, deflected goal in the last minute.

But the FA Cup run definitely helped us. It made us think that if we could beat these teams, and take Charlton to 90 minutes, then we can go and beat anyone.

I think if you’re winning games then winning becomes a habit and we were definitely in a winning habit that year. Even when we weren’t playing that well we were grinding out results. Like Mansfield away, that was a big one. That’s not the easiest place to go. We won 1-0 with a penalty. We learnt how to do that.

Peterborough at home [The penultimate game of the season] was a tough one. It’s never easy. When Paul Connor got sent off I thought to myself, oh no, that’s our chance gone. But then Wayne Corden scored a goal to put us 2-0 up. It seemed like every time Grimsby slipped up we were there with the result we needed to get into the final promotion spot.

We were on a run where we’d kept seven clean sheets in a row at home, and we were more gutted that we let that slip in letting in a goal. [Peterborough scored a late goal; Orient won the game 2-1] The back four we had was solid every week. We got used to playing together. We were proud of that record.

Going into the Oxford game we knew what we had to do. The atmosphere there was amazing. The number of Orient fans that turned up was fantastic. It wasn’t an enjoyable game, though, because of the pressure on it. Because there was so much at stake. It was a case of, yes we want to go and win it, but you don’t want to make a mistake, you don’t want to be the one that loses the game.

When we went 2-1 up I thought Oxford have got to go now, they’ve got to give up. But they didn’t, they scored again. And at 2-2 I was thinking, ‘Oh no.’ We knew Grimsby were 1-0 up. Martin shouted out to us: ‘Grimsby are winning, we’ve got to go and score.’ So I went out to the lads and said, ‘We’ve got to get one.’

I was just running around in a daze thinking I just want to score, let’s just win. You’re this close. Five minutes away from promotion and you can celebrate or you’re five minutes away from having three weeks of pressure in the play-offs.

Oxford had a man sent off for tangling with John Mackie off the ball. Mackie was good like that. He’d stamp on someone’s foot, they’d retaliate then he’d dive on the floor holding his face. He’d laugh about it afterwards.

But I thought it had slipped away. I was gutted. I was thinking, ‘Not the play offs again.’ Having had the heartache of the play-offs before I didn’t want to go through that again. We definitely wouldn’t have gone up if we’d had to go through the play-offs. I don’t think we would have been able to lift ourselves again for those three games. So you have to keep believing, you don’t want to give up.

Then we heard the fans all cheer so straight away we knew that Northampton must have equalised. And then Steelo broke and scored the winner – there were about five of us in the box waiting to score because we were so desperate to make sure we went through. But it was fitting that Steelo was the one who scored the goal. The fans loved him. 

Once Steelo scored the relief was unbelievable. We all just piled on each other. We ran over in front of the fans and all the subs just sprinted across the pitch to celebrate. I got caught under the pile and I couldn’t breathe, I thought I was going to die! I literally had to push everyone off. There’s a picture of me crawling out on my hands and knees.

When the final whistle went, that was my best moment at Orient. Eight years prior to that I came to the club because I thought that I we were going to get promotion. So it took long enough to get it but I got it in the end. That’s what I wanted and it was definitely worth the wait.

After the game we went back to the Marriot Hotel just off the M25 at Waltham Abbey where we always dropped our cars off. Loads of fans were knocking about all congratulating us. We ended up going to Faces nightclub in Gants Hill – Eddie Hearn took us out.

But I only stayed out for a little bit. After all the euphoria of it all I was knackered. I’d had such a good day. It must have only been about midnight – and I don’t drink. I just said that’s me done. Go home, enjoy it. I put Sky Sports News on to see all the celebrations.

I felt proud that day. You go and beat Fulham and it’s a one off. But you get promoted, it’s 46 games, a whole season of doing well. That was a really good feeling. Everyone involved with the club can look back on that day and say it was an amazing season and it couldn’t have finished on a better day. It was definitely my favourite moment in my Orient career.”

Read more about Matt's time at Orient in my book Leyton Orient Greats. 

Alan Comfort on winning a play-off final and getting married on the same day

In this extract from my book Leyton Orient Greats, winger Alan Comfort looks back at how, on 3 June 1989, he starred in the Os play-off victory against Wrexham and got married on the same day... 

Alan had met Jill, the social worker who would become his wife, at the beginning of 1988. They were introduced by a mutual friend at a church service in Guildford, Surrey. ‘She was singing and she had a beautiful voice,’ says Alan. ‘When I talked to her she was so bubbly and enthusiastic; one of those people that makes everything brilliant. And obviously I quite fancied her.’

After a whirlwind romance the couple got engaged in the summer of 1988 and set their wedding for 3 June 1989. ‘Obviously as a footballer I needed to get married in June to fit in a honeymoon before pre-season training starts,’ says Alan. ‘I phoned the Football League and asked what the first free date would be after the Play-off Final. They told me 3 June would definitely be ok – the Play-offs had never gone into June.’

That year, however, the Hillsborough tragedy led to the football season being extended, and the Play-off Final was rescheduled for the very Saturday of Alan’s wedding. It meant that should Orient reach the Final, Alan was going to have the mother of all double bookings.

Alan in action against Crewe on 27 August 1988.
Orient had a bad start to the season

Not that there seemed any danger of that at the start of the season. Orient failed to win until their sixth game, were dumped out of the FA Cup by non-league Enfield and, despite thumping Colchester 8–0 in October, were nearer the bottom of the table than the top by Christmas. ‘It was the same old problem,’ says Alan. ‘We were relying on certain players to make things happen and they weren’t – myself included.’

Manager Frank Clark’s position looked under threat, though he can be credited with the signing of two players that helped turn things around in the New Year: Kevin Campbell on loan from Arsenal and Mark Cooper, signed from Gillingham. ‘They made the team work better,’ says Alan. ‘But at the same time we had some young boys that emerged as real players – Steve Castle, Terry Howard, Lee Harvey – and the experience of people like Steve Baker. We had a great side.’

Alan himself began to play perhaps the best football of his life, and was scoring regularly. ‘They were always typical goals,’ he laughs. ‘The ball would come over to the far post, and I’d drill it across the goal into the net. In training I’d do that every time. I could do it without thinking about it.’

Frank Clark had also changed the formation, giving his winger a freer role. Alan explains, ‘He said to me, “Just go and find the ball and play. Go anywhere to get it.” It meant I couldn’t be marked out of the game.’

Alan Comfort and Terry Howard

Clark himself says, ‘We ended up setting the team up to give Alan the best possible chance to do what he could do. We played a kind of 4-4-2 with him on the left, but we didn’t want to tie him down to being out wide because he was a good finisher. So we encouraged him to come inside at the right time and move into positions where he saw opportunity. Fortunately the other midfield players would adapt as Alan moved around to keep the balance. And it worked quite well. When Alan was on form he was unstoppable.’

Orient began to climb the table – and Jill began to worry. ‘When they changed the Play-off date Jill asked me if she needed to be concerned,’ says Alan. ‘At that point we were near the bottom of the table so I said she had nothing to worry about. Then we started winning again and again. I’d reassure her by saying, “It’s ok, we always blow it at the end.” But then I’d keep coming home on a Saturday night and saying, “I’m so sorry. I scored and we won.”’

The team lost just twice in their last 17 matches and secured a place in the Play-offs. Alan felt confident that Orient could win them. ‘We had momentum,’ he says. ‘We were playing so well by then – we’d beaten Scunthorpe 4–1 to deny them automatic promotion in the last game of the season. We’d hit form at the right time.’

The semi-final was against Scarborough – Alan’s bogey team. ‘Neil Warnock was the manager at the time,’ he recalls. ‘He was an absolute nightmare. He’d stand on the touchline and talk to me the whole time. He hated me! He’d say to the right-back, “Break his legs. Snap his legs.” And the right-back would come flying in from everywhere.’

Thankfully, Alan survived, as did Orient, qualifying for the final courtesy of a 2–0 victory at Brisbane Road followed by a 1–0 loss in Yorkshire. The first leg of the Final saw them draw 0–0 with Wrexham at the Racecourse Ground. The return leg was set for 3 June, leaving Alan with the slight problem of a wedding to consider.

The ceremony was set for 3pm in Bangor in County Down, where Jill’s family hail from. Invitations had been sent, guests had booked flights and hotels – there was no way the couple could cancel. But where there’s a will there’s a way, and just as he used to begin a mazy run towards goal from midfield, Alan embarked on a plan to get himself from Brisbane Road to Northern Ireland.

With the help of his brother-in-law, a newspaper editor, Alan got the Sunday Express to agree to print the story and make their helicopter available on the day. They would fly Alan from Leyton to Heathrow Airport, where a plane would take him to Belfast to connect with another flight to Newtownards, near Bangor. Everything was planned with military precision, and the wedding was moved to 5.30pm.

Manager Frank Clark persuaded
the police that the final should
kick off at 1pm

But that still didn’t leave time for Alan to play in the game, which was due to kick-off at 3pm. Which is where Frank Clark came in. ‘I did ask Alan to move his wedding but being the sort of lad that he was there was no way he was going to do it,’ says the former Orient manager. ‘So we had to figure out a way around it. I managed to persuade everyone that the game should be a lunchtime kick off. The police were keen on it too as they thought it would be easier to control things, so obviously we supported them 100 percent in that. I wanted to put out the best team I could and Alan was a part of that.’

On the day itself, the game actually kicked off 20 minutes late due to the number of fans still trying to get into the ground. Once on the field, however, Alan was focussed fully on the football. ‘It was so important I never thought about getting married,’ he says.

The game was tense, but some good play from Alan released Lee Harvey, who put Orient 1–0 up in the first half with a great strike from 20 yards. Wrexham equalised early in the second half with a header, and the game tightened up. ‘I think we were the better team,’ says Alan. ‘I always thought we were going to score. But as the half went on we were creating fewer and fewer chances so I didn’t know where it was going to come from.’

After 80 minutes the game remained locked at 1–1 and heading for extra-time. The Sunday Express helicopter was circling above the ground. ‘At this point I knew I was in trouble,’ says Alan. ‘I had a horrible feeling I wasn’t going to make it for my own wedding. I thought, “I just can’t do extra-time.” Of course I would have played, but I was thinking, “We need a goal from somewhere.”’

Alan – along with every Orient fan present on the day – remains eternally indebted to Mark Cooper who, with eight minutes to go, scored the goal that won the game. ‘I was standing behind him when he volleyed it,’ says Alan. ‘He struck it so sweetly. It was a goal that was worthy of winning the game.’

Alan makes a quick exit after the game
to be driven to his waiting helicopter

As the seconds ticked down to the final whistle Alan began to hug the touchline by the players’ tunnel, and as the game ended made a break for it, unable to spare the time to join the celebrations. ‘I ran into the dressing room, had a quick shower and put some clothes on,’ he recalls. ‘The helicopter couldn’t land on the pitch because of all the fans, so I had to jump in a car to Hackney Marshes. I had a bottle of champagne in one hand and my wedding suit in the other. As we landed at Heathrow Airport I tried to help to shut the door of the helicopter and it took off a chunk of my thumb, so I was pouring with blood too.’

Alan made his connection to his next flight, and was greeted by a police escort as he landed in Newtownards. ‘By now the Sunday Express reporter was so drunk that when the police asked if he was with me, I said no,’ he laughs. ‘So we left him behind.’

The groom had time for a quick bath in a house next to the church in Bangor, yet encountered another problem. ‘The cold water had broken down,’ he explains. ‘I had to have a scalding hot bath, and when I got out I was bright red and pouring with sweat. During the service the minister had to keep dabbing my forehead. I was also dripping blood everywhere from my thumb.’

Thankfully the ceremony went off without any further hitches, capping what for Alan was a monumental day. ‘It brought a whole lot of things together,’ he says. ‘Although I was exhausted I could sit back and see that, for me, it was a point where everything I could ever want – and more – I’d got.’

His one regret is that he didn’t get to celebrate Orient’s win with his teammates and the fans. ‘I missed the moment,’ he says. ‘In football you don’t succeed that often, so when you do you have to enjoy it. When I saw the pictures of the players celebrating I was sad that I never got to do that. But I still had the experience of getting there and playing the game and enjoyed that. The club deserved to get promoted, the fans deserved it and the team was full of so many good players that they deserved to succeed. It was the moment they rose up to be as good as they could be.’

The Ultimate Guide To League One Celebrity Fans

Celebrities love to pledge allegiance to a football team. It makes them look like they enjoy things other than sitting round in their pants Googling themselves or trying to get photographed outside an Essex nightclub with Danny Dyer.

But while it's easy for the likes of Piers Morgan, Prince William or Tony Blair to swan into the executive lounges of Arsenal, Aston Villa or Newcastle respectively, celebrity supporters of lower league clubs are effectively doing the equivalent of agreeing to star in a much-anticipated West End play, only to suffer the crushing disappointment of being booed off the stage every time they perform it.

Here then are the good, bad and Harold Shipman of celebrity League One supporters...

Bournemouth: Matt Tong

Who? One quarter of Brit indie rockers Bloc Party. Drummer Matt was born in Bournemouth and follows the Cherries by watching illegally streamed matches - his words, not mine - in his swanky New York apartment.  

Any other contenders? Back in 1998 TV and radio presenter Jayne Middlemiss inexplicably claimed that, despite being a rabid Geordie, Bournemouth were her team. "They aren't that good but it's fun," she said patronisingly, adding cryptically, "You stand around drinking tea." Though she's apparently never seen supping Tetley at Dean Court these days. 
The one that got away... Actor Christian Bale attended Bournemouth School for six years, though surprisingly his anger management issues are not a result of having to endure Cherries matches as a child - to date he's shown no interest in the club. 

Brentford: Richard Archer

Who?  Were this 2005 then there would be little doubt that Hard Fi frontman Richard Archer was Brentford's most famous fan. Hard Fi aren't doing so well these days, though Archer does still get the nod over purported Bees supporter Cameron Diaz, who would take the number one spot were her claims not, you know, bollocks.

Any other contenders? Were this 1997 then EastEnder Dean Gaffney would have been Brentford's most famous fan. Dean's not doing so well these days either. Sky Sports News' Natalie Sawyer is also a Bee. 

The one that got away... Big-time author Robert Rankin grew up around Brentford and sets most of his novels there, where the suburb is usually infested with a great evil. Thankfully Gary Alexander has now left for Crawley.

Bury: Danny Boyle 

Who? The Oscar-winning director of Slumdog Millionaire and 28 Days Later. Danny hails from Radcliffe in Lancashire and is such a die-hard fan he once claimed he'd rather Bury won the FA Cup than he win an Oscar. Although never mind Boyle, unfortunately there's more chance of Kerry Katona scooping an Academy Award than seeing Bury mounting the famous Wembley steps.

Any other contenders? DJ, musician, writer, I'm A Celebrity... contestant and all-round idiot Mike Read is also a fan. Meanwhile ex-Hollyoaks star Gemma Atkinson once took time off from trying to marry footballers to appear as a Soccerette sporting a Bury shirt.  

The one that got away... Cheir Blair was born in Bury but brought up just north of Anfield, leaving her a massive dilemma as to whether to support Bury or Liverpool. Well, I say massive...

Carlisle United: Helen Skelton 

Who? "I spend Saturdays at cold football grounds watching people I love get grumpy," said Blue Peter presenter Helen on her love of home club Carlisle United, perfectly encapsulating the joys of League One football in one pithy soundbite.  

Any other contenders? Emmerdale and Dancing On Ice star Roxanne Pallett - Carlisle born and bred - went way beyond the call of duty by briefly dating long-serving defender Peter Murphy in 2009. Meanwhile one-time England cricketer Paul Nixon takes time off from being insane by regularly visiting Brunton Park.   

The one that got away... Big-haired arts luvvy Melvin Bragg was born in Carlisle and followed the Cumbrians as a youngster. However, like a schoolboy who dumps his well-meaning but plain girlfriend for the chance of a snog behind the bike sheds with the class slag, Melvin's head was turned by Arsenal in 1989 and he's been a Gunners season ticket holder ever since.  

Charlton Athletic: Jim Davidson 

Who? No longer allowed on TV due to holding political views slightly to the right of Genghis Khan, instead Jim Davidson vents his sizeable spleen at the Valley of a Saturday afternoon. He occasionally writes a charming blog about the club, containing astute observations such as that a waitress in the executive lounge "looked like she had two spare footballs up her jumper".

Any other contenders? Yep, tennis legend Bjorn Borg is a fan, following in the footsteps of his father, as is TV executive Michael Grade and actor Karl Howman, best known for his role as Jacko in 80s sitcom Brush Strokes.
The one that got away... Actor Daniel Day-Lewis was born in nearby Greenwich, but presumably requiring that There Will Be Blood opted to support Millwall.   

Chesterfield: Tony Benn 

Who? Politician Tony Benn is about the closest Chesterfield get to a celebrity fan, and even then the curmudgeonly pipe-puffer is only the fairest of fair weather supporters. Yes, it would take a freak sub-tropical heatwave to get Tony to a game. Well, that or a general election, for in 1997 the Labour MP for Chesterfield attended the Spireites' FA Cup semi-final against Middlesbrough.

Any other contenders? Nope, although last season England cricketer, purveyor of bad haircuts and die-hard member of the Toon Army Graeme Swann was at the B2Net Stadium to witness Chesterfield be crowned champions of League Two.   

The one that got away... Royal Diana-botherer Paul Burrell was born in nearby Grassmoor but was far too busy stealing things from Buckingham Palace to follow the Spireites. These days his 'rock' is Wrexham Football Club, from where his wife hails.    

Colchester United: Steve Lamacq 

Who? Radio 2 and 6 Music DJ Steve Lamacq has been a Colchester United season ticket holder since 1982, the footballing equivalent of consistently eschewing the Beatles in favour of Chumbawumba.
Any other contenders? Only England cricketer Alistair Cook who, after joining Essex CCC, resisted the many charms of Southend United, Grays Athletic and Dagenham & Redbridge to plump for the occasional trip to see the Us.   

The one that got away... Blur and Gorillaz frontman Damon Albarn spent his formative years in Colchester but clearly didn't subscribe to the idea that There's No Other Way and he opted to support Chelsea.  

Exeter City: Adrian Edmondson 

Who? Comedian, writer and star of Bottom - perhaps appropriately - Adrian Edmondson started supporting the Grecians in 2003 after moving to Exeter. He's stuck by them ever since and said of Manchester United's FA Cup visit in 2005: "Watching Ronaldo taking corner kicks against a sign for 'Ivor Dewdney Pasties' was a thing of great beauty."
Any other contenders? Not many clubs can count Michael Jackson, David Blaine and Uri Geller among their attendance figures, but in June 2002 that very threesome turned up to watch the Grecians. Celebrity psychic Uri Geller was co-chairman at the time and divided his time between burying magic crystals in the turf and annoying the local cafe staff by bending all the cutlery out of shape. "The board are very serious about getting out of Division Three - and I'll do everything I can to help," he said on taking up his new position. And he did indeed help Exeter get out of Division Three: they were relegated to the Conference the next season.  

The one that got away... Legendary funny man Tommy Cooper lived in Exeter from the age of three. And how did he avoid supporting the Grecians? Just like that. 


Hartlepool United: Jeff Stelling

Who? Keen observers of Sky's Gillette Soccer Saturday may have noticed that occasionally Hartlepool-born presenter Jeff Stelling lets his mask of impartiality slip a little, revealing himself to be a Monkey Hanger. Such as during this game...

Any other contenders? Handkerchief-clutching singer Meat Loaf is a bona fide supporter. A family connection? A historical attachment to the area? No, he simply randomly happened upon Hartlepool by flicking through a book and discovering that the city likes to execute monkeys just in case they're French. And what better reason to pledge your allegiance?

The one that got away... Ballet dancer and one-time I'm A Celebrity... prima donna Wayne Sleep lived in Hartlepool for 10 years from the age of three, although preferred pirouettes and pas de deux to pass-and-move and penalties. 

Huddersfield Town: Patrick Stewart

Who? Star Trek actor Sir Patrick Stewart has been on a lifelong mission to explore strange new worlds; to seek out life and new civilisations; to boldly go where no man has gone before... Unfortunately he ended up at the Galpharm Stadium. He's dedicated though, and is even president of the Huddersfield academy.

Any other contenders? Actor Reece Dinsdale is a die-hard fan and even fronts a behind-the-scenes documentary about the club. He starred in Coronation Street for two years as Joe McIntyre, who had a Huddersfield Town sticker on his van and was addicted to painkillers. The two things weren't thought to be related.

The one that got away... Though born and raised just seven miles from Huddersfield, musician and TV presenter Roy Castle clearly wanted his football team to break records. So he supported Liverpool.

Leyton Orient: Julian Lloyd-Webber

Who? World-renowned cellist and brother of slightly more world-renowned Andrew Lloyd-Webber. Julian's credentials as a fan are 100 per cent bona fide: he even named his daughter Jasmine Orienta, at the risk of tarring her with a future in which hardly anyone is interested in her, despite the fact lots of Londoners claim she is their 'second favourite'.

Any other contenders? Though not going to the extreme lengths of his brother, Andrew Lloyd-Webber is also a fan and gets to the odd game a year. Ex-EastEnder Ricky Groves is also fan, as is 90s TV funnyman Bob Mills, a regular at Brisbane Road. Meanwhile Debbie, aka Lydia's mum, from The Only Way Is Essex professes to be a supporter when she's not getting a vajazzle. 

The one that got away... Legendary film director Alfred Hitchcock was born a stone's throw from Brisbane Road in Leytonstone, but was clearly a Man Who Knew Too Much - he elected to support West Ham. 

MK Dons: Jim Marshall

Who? The man who made Marshall the amplifier of choice for rock bands across the world, Jim was an ardent MK supporter from the off, and his company sponsored the clubs' kit in the early days. Sadly Jim passed away in April 2012, which leaves probably Milton Keynes' most famous residents, the concrete cows, as the most likely supporters of note. Captive audience. 

Any other contenders? June Whitfield was a Wimbledon fan back in the day, but has reportedly come down on the AFC side of the argument rather than MK Dons.  

The one that got away... Actor Kevin Whatley - he of Inspector Morse, Lewis and Peak Practice - lives in Milton Keynes but, having thoroughly investigated the football on offer prefers to stick with his boyhood club Newcastle.

Notts County: Harold Shipman

Who? Poor old Notts County fans. Having watched helplessly for decades as soap stars, reality TV contestants and members of fleetingly successful boy bands pledged their allegiance to the other half of Nottingham, finally it emerged that a truly world famous celebrity was a bona fide Magpie. Unfortunately it was actually Britain's most notorious serial killer Harold Shipman.

Any other contenders? No. Shipman's seen to that.

The one that got away... TV celebrity Dale Winton was born in Nottingham but, figuring that you need to be In It To Win It, decided to support Arsenal.

Oldham Athletic: Michelle Marsh

Who? Page three girl, Celebrity Big Brother contestant and the voice behind the number 89 hit I Don't Do, Michelle Marsh is the less successful Katie Price of the north. Oldham born-and-bred, she showed her devotion to the Latics by marrying central defender Will Haining in 2007. 
Any other contenders? Hollyoaks and Emmerdale actor Alex Carter is a fan, as is Brookside/Holby City star Nicola Stephenson. Paul Scholes, meanwhile, demonstrated his lifelong passion for the Latics by refusing to play for them before he retired.
The one that got away... Oldham-born Royle Family actor Ralf Little knows a fair bit about football. That's why he elected to support Manchester United.

Preston North End: Mark Lawrenson

Who? TV pundit, serial miserablist and wearer of retina-burning shirts Mark Lawrenson was born in Penwortham, overlooking Preston and has a been a fan of the Lilywhites ever since. He also played at Deepdale from 1974-77.
Any other contenders? Pedalo operator and sometime cricketer Andrew Flintoff claims to have watched Preston as a lad, having been born in the Lancashire town. He now says he doesn't support a football team. (Which doesn't necessarily rule him out as a Lilywhite... Just kidding.)   

The one that got away... Are You Being Served? star John Inman was born in Preston, but showed about as much interest in the town's football club as he did Mrs Slocombe's pussy. 

Rochdale: Tommy Cannon

Who? The less funny half - these things are relative - of 80s comedy duo Cannon & Ball. Tommy supported the Dale as a kid, and repaid the club for all those lost Saturday afternoons by nearly bankrupting them when he briefly became chairman in 1988.
Any other contenders? Slim pickings really - certainly since elephant-sized Rochdale fan and MP Cyril Smith died last year.
The one that got away... Brookside actress Anna Friel is a daughter of Rochdale and starred in the ultra-realist sports film Goal, but nonetheless claims to be "nonplussed" about football. 

Scunthorpe United: Ian Botham

Who? The former England cricket legend and advertiser of meat actually played at centre-half for Scunthorpe 11 times in 1980 and has been a die-hard fan ever since. Well, I say 'die-hard', but as a football supporter Beefy is more of a mixed grill: he also claims to back Sunderland, Chelsea and Rangers.
Any other contenders? Former England manager Graham Taylor describes Scunthorpe as "the number one team in the country", perhaps suggesting why he wasn't particularly successful in charge of the national team.
The one that got away... Scunthorpe-born actress Liz Smith, famed for her role as Nana in The Royle Family, clearly couldn't drag herself away from the TV to Glanford Park.  

Sheffield United: Sean Bean

Who? Actor Sean Bean has a tattoo on his left shoulder proclaiming himself to be "100% Blade." And no, it's not a reference to his love of the Wesley Snipes vampire film of the same name. He was once a director of the club; led a delegation to parliament to protest against the club's relegation; and allegedly took out his frustration at poor performances on manager Neil Warnock's five-year-old son. He even scored a penalty against Man Utd in the 1996 film When Saturday Comes.
Any other contenders? In 2007 Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea announced onstage at the Reading Festival he was a Blade, and was recently caught singing United anthem Greasy Chip Butty at a gig.
The one that got away... Iron Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson was brought up in Sheffield but demonstrated just how hard heavy metallers really are by admitting: "Actually football crowds, scare me. I don't get involved in all of that. I can watch them on TV, but if I actually get very near one, I get very scared."

Sheffield Wednesday: David Blunkett

Who? When he's not having extra-marital affairs or fathering illegitimate children, Labour MP and former home secretary David Blunkett spends his time at Hillsborough cheering on the Owls.
Any other contenders? Loads, including Michael Vaughan and Roy Hattersley - though the likes of Michael Palin and Prince Naseem Hamed slightly undermine themselves by also supporting Sheffield United a bit too. Only the Arctic Monkeys, however, have cut highlights of Owls' games into their music videos.
The one that got away... Actor Dominic West - aka McNulty from The Wire - was born in Sheffield but apparently avoids both of the city's teams.  

Stevenage: Ken Follett

Who? Author Ken makes a living from writing popular thrillers, though opts to take a break from all that edge-of-the-seat excitement by watching his local team Stevenage. He became a fan after his wife was elected the town's MP.
Any other contenders? Who needs celebrity fans when your town can lay claim to constructing the first purpose-built, traffic free shopping zone in Britain? Don't answer that.
The one that got away... Harry Potter ginger Rupert Grint was born in Stevenage but instead of supporting his local team he decided to become such a hardcore Spurs fan that until recently he'd never actually been to White Hart Lane. 

Tranmere Rovers: Half Man Half Biscuit

Who? While outsiders might consider Jonathan Dimbleby or Ray Stubbs as more obvious choices, Tranmere Rovers fans' allegiance lies firmly with vaguely-famous band Half Man Half Biscuit. The Merseysiders once turned down an appearance on The Tube as it clashed with a Superwhites' game - despite the fact Channel 4 offered to fly them to the studio by helicopter. Respect.
Any other contenders? Indeed, British acting royalty Glenda Jackson for starters, along with fellow thesp Patricia Routledge, aka Hyacinth Bucket. Rumours that the pair have been teaching the Tranmere players how to convincingly feign injury are as yet unsubstantiated.
The one that got away... Born in Chester but raised on the Wirral, actor Daniel Craig nevertheless decided that when it came to football he'd rather be stirred than shaken and opted to support Liverpool, rather than his local team. 

Walsall: Pete Waterman

Who? The man who inflicted Rick Astley, Steps, Sinitta and Brother Beyond on the world is a die-hard Saddler, despite being born and raised in Coventry. Kylie Minogue's breakthrough record was also courtesy of the Stock Aitken Waterman hit factory. I should be so lucky? Not if you support Walsall, Pete.
Any other contenders? Certainly are, if you scrape the bottom of the barrel for long enough. How about Central Tonight newsreader Bob Warman and one-time Olympic swimmer Nick Gillingham? No?  
The one that got away... Slade frontman Noddy Holder was born in Walsall, but when he wanted to Cum On Feel The Noize opted to throw his lot in with the more vocal supporters of Wolverhampton Wanderers. 

Wycombe Wanderers: Bill Turnbull

Who? The 'embarrassing dad' of the TV world, BBC Breakfast presenter Bill Turnbull, who not only attends games at Adams Park, but commentates on them for Wanderers World.
Any other contenders? Commentator Alan Parry, though a Liverpool fan, is something of a Chairboy and has served as an associate director at the club for many years. 

The one that got away... TV star and celebrity narcissist James Corden was born in nearby Hazlemere, but eschewed the many pleasures of Wycombe Wanderers and instead professes to love West Ham. When he's not loving himself, that is.

Yeovil Town: Paddy Ashdown

Who? When he's not having an affair with his secretary, the former Liberal Democrats leader Paddy Ashdown finds time to take in the odd game at Huish Park.
Any other contenders? Does Vicar of Dibley star Trevor Peacock support the Glovers? No, no, no, no, no... yes. So do actor Nick Berry, comedian/singer Richard Digance and James Purefoy, star of the HBO series Rome. 
The one that got away... British songstress PJ Harvey attended Yeovil College after leaving school, but has shown no interest in football. Not that rules her out as a Glovers fan... Just kidding. 

Hat tip to the following tweeters for their help: 

Bournemouth @NarrowTheAngle / Brentford @TheCondorman / Bury @markcrossley / Carlisle @epouvantail / Chesterfield @awayend / Colchester @Crokey94 / Exeter @gafootbl / Hartlepool @_Monkeyhanger_ / Huddersfield @FootballCharlie / Notts County @StuTNB / Oldham @ianandrewbarker / Rochdale @girlonaterrace / Scunthorpe @mpbell92 / Sheffield United @unitedite / Sheffield Wednesday @obscurefootball / Stevenage @fcboro / Tranmere @paulharper82 / Walsall @BescotBanter / Wycombe @KJ_Funk / Yeovil @benbarrett10