Five things we've learnt so far this summer

Summer at Brisbane Road is usually a time when both staff and fans can relax, sit back and watch other clubs sign up all the decent players.

This year it was different because, incredibly, some of those decent players were actually on Orient's books. The fact that we've managed to hang on to the core members of an almost-successful squad - not to mention the manager - and added some extra quality bodes very, very well for next season. In which case it is thus almost inevitable that Orient will be relegated.

Here, then, are five things we've learnt so far this summer...

1. Russell's got balls

It would have been easy for Russell Slade to give Scott McGleish another season. A fans' favourite, Orient's top scorer for 2010/11 and a player that always gives 100 per cent. But instead the manager politely showed Scotty the door and moved quickly to replace him with a striker marginally younger and marginally better in Jamie Cureton - a move something akin to dumping Fearne Cotton so you can go out with Holly Willoughby. Still, when you miss out on the play-offs by one point these margins are important. Which begs the question, can bold Russell really do without Ryan Jarvis's guaranteed two goals a season? Time will tell.

2. Loyalty isn't dead!

For most footballers loyalty means not sleeping with your wife's sister too often. But, with rival clubs circling around manager Russell Slade and players such as Jamie Jones, Jimmy Smith and Dean Cox, loyalty was tested to the limit this summer. So, it was refreshing to see such fierce devotion to Orient among the staff. Russell Slade: "An opportunity arose with a Championship club... I was not given permission to speak to them"; Jamie Jones: "League One goalkeeper - for now"; Jimmy Smith: "My contract is up. I will have to speak to them about whether I'll sign a new deal or move on."

3. Players get really, really bored in the summer

Thanks to the delights of Twitter we now know that, for players, summer is a long, soul-destroying stretch of interminable boredom, punctuated only by occasional games of Pro-Evo or getting a new tattoo. By July, Dean Cox, Jimmy Smith and George Porter were driven to taking the expression 'thick as two short planks' to its logical conclusion, with this series of pranks.

4. Dean Smith should probably do a bit more research

"I think a few Orient fans I've spoken to said he's had a few injuries," said Walsall manager Dean Smith of his new signing Adam Chambers, suggesting perhaps that his research might have been a little more in-depth. (Next week, Deano on new signing Adrien Patulea: "Yeah, some bloke down the pub told me he reckons he's got a bit of class.") Still, Smith has long been a loyal servant to Orient and continues to do his former club many favours. In signing Ryan Jarvis, for example, he's virtually guaranteed that Orient won't concede a goal in their opening fixture against the Saddlers.

5. We might get to see Orient past v Orient present

Have you ever wondered how the current Orient team would fare against Os teams of old? Well, we might just find out as - due to an adminstrative error - Martin Ling is back in league football as manager of Torquay. Predictably enough our one-time gaffer has already signed teacher's pet Brian Saah and has been sniffing around Craig Easton. Should Orient draw Torquay in a cup competiton then expect our current crop to be lining up against a 4-4-2 formation that includes Derek Duncan, Loick Pires and JJ Melligan. And who'd win? Well, perhaps football would be the winner. Just kidding. 

A guide to Leyton Orient players on Twitter

There was a time when fans had little insight into what was going on inside players' heads. Not any more, for thanks to the delights of Twitter we now know that, for example, Elliot Omozusi is thinking this: "Sum1 tel me sumfing decent 2 watch on telly coz i'm about 2 2foot my v screen n elbow drop my sky box".

But it's not all witty prose and Oscar Wilde-esque one-liners. Some Leyton Orient players on Twitter are there simply to wind each other up, exchange cooking tips or, in the case of Jimmy Smith, stalk female celebrities. Here's my guide to the wheat and the chaff...

Jimmy Smith
@sm1thy_JD

What's he on about? Jimmy mixes the mundane with boasting about his nightlife escapades and taunting various ex-members of early noughties child-rappers Blazin' Squad. Bizarrely, all of this is delivered in the vernacular of a West Coast rapper: "ipod on full max while getting ready ha,ATM pitball an neyo on". No, me neither.

Who's he following? Square-jawed Jimmy clearly has an eye for the ladies, following a smattering of women from The Only Way Is Essex and various female Sky Sports presenters. He also follows Paul Terry, so is clearly into beauty and the beast.
Key moment: Asking US socialite Kim Kardashian on a date, with all the twinkly-eyed Essex boy charm he could muster: "@KimKardashian yer come here we go for dinner ". Surprisngly, Kim is yet to reply.

Dean Cox
@dean_7cox

What's he on about? Tiny has apparently spent the entire summer generously answering tweets from Orient fans. Well, if height restrictions prevent you from going on amusement park rides what else you going to do? In between there's a bit of mild one-way flirting with Jack Wilshere: "@jack_wilshere we needed you mate nobody can create things and effect a game like you can." Jack is yet to reply.
Who's he following? The usual hotpotch of footballers, boxers and Fearne Cotton. Tiny also follows Orient players' nite spot of choice, Faces Nightclub, Gants Hill.
Key moment: Replying to Jimmy Smith's bizarre holiday boast tweet - "ipod on full max while getting ready ha,ATM pitball an neyo on" - with the simple, yet effective, "get a life mate".

Alex Revell
@therevmeister

What's he on about? Lots of witty goading of his team mates - for example, to Matthew Spring: "Sorry mate it's an under 40's night" and to Jamie Jones: "if you didn't have jeremy beadle hand you might have caught some crosses".
Who's he following? Comedians and footballers. Or, in the case of Aaron Brown - @ABrownUK - both in one.
Key moment: Trying to initiate a conversation with Michael Owen to no avail, so then sulkily resorting to calling the Man Utd player a "sick note no hamstring minted comb over nob". That told him!

Jamie Jones
@jamie1jones

What's he on about? According to Jamie, "It's all about being a geeza... r u a geeza????" Apparently 'being a geeza' involves taunting team mates over their PS3 abilities, taunting teammates over their golfing abilities and taunting teammates over their cooking abilities. All delivered in pure, unadulterated scouse, la.
Who's he following? Mostly footballers. And Ryan Jarvis.
Key moment: Cooking a spaghetti bolognese (pictured) for Alex Revell, who was so impressed that he felt like he was in "Bella Italia". "Just asked me if I wanted Parmesan or pepper!" tweeted the dumbstruck striker.

Charlie Daniels
@chazdaniels13

What's he on about? The usual PS3-related banter with his team mates along with chat with his partner @CarlySalmonx that would probably worked better as, you know, a private conversation. To wit: Carly: "Dinner ideas please." Charlie: "I don't mind wotever u want to make." Get a room you two!
Who's he following? Footballers, golfers, comedians and, testament to Charlie's deep love of musical theatre, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Key moment: Realising that his Las Vegas hotel was perhaps the plushest place he's ever stayed: "So posh in this hotel. Can't wear shorts for dinner!" 

Elliot Omozusi
@elliot_nuts

What's he on about? Elliot's Twitter stream of consciousness reveals that the right back's thought processes revolve primarily around deciding whether or not to get out of bed and whether or not to leave the house: "I swear I'm goin bk 2 sleep"; "Up bt aint gettin outa bed 4 now"; "Y on earth am I awake"; "Any1 fancy making me breakfast dnt really wanna go cafe"; "I'm gonna stay in my house 4 as long as possible". Fans of watching paint dry will be enthralled.
Who's he following? Various women who claim to have once been in failed X Factor girl bands. Well, you've got to aim high, Elliot.
Key moment: The moment Elliot temporarily forgot his obsession with his own sleep patterns to call out an audacious challenge to the US President himself, no less, after the death of Osama Bin Laden: "Obama best show me sum pics of him wiv a hole in he's head now."

The top ten Leyton Orient players of 2010/11

At the conclusion of most seasons at Leyton Orient it's difficult to think of one player who's excelled over the campaign. Not this time, which is why I've selected - in reverse order - the top ten players of 2010/11...

10. Andrew Whing

When it comes to decent right-backs, Leyton Orient's heritage is about as distinguished as Jodie Marsh's wardrobe. Enter Andrew Whing, dead ringer for EastEnders' Max Branning and owner of a chin so big it's got it's own postcode. Yes, rival right-back Elliot Omozusi may be slightly more comfortable on the ball - not least when he's plucking it out of the net after his customary once-a-game howler - but Whing provided the grit this season, regularly clattering into unsuspecting left-wingers and driving forward like a steroid-pumped gingerbread man.
More on Andrew Whing >

9. Paul-Jose M'Poku
Every now and again at Brisbane Road a player comes along with such dazzling skills that resident managers are left with no choice but to inexplicably leave them on the bench every game. Such was the plight of under-19 Belgian international and Spurs loanee Paul-Jose M'Poku. Hartlepool United's defenders are still in therapy trying to come to terms with the outright humiliation they were subjected to on the young winger's home debut, and M'Poku continued to provide flashes of inspiration in the 15 minutes he was allowed on the pitch each match. Essentially, stuff happened when M'Poku played. Just think what may have been if he'd been in the starting line-up...
More on Paul-Jose M'Poku >

8. Stephen Dawson
Every team needs an engine and this season Orient's was Stephen Dawson. The diminutive Irishman was the master of tirelessly motoring around the pitch, stopping only to pick up needless yellow cards and to throw himself to the ground in the penalty area as if scythed down by a poltergeist. Dawson excelled in the home leg against Arsenal, where the Premier League side subjected him to a particularly cruel 90 minutes of piggy-in-the-middle - though they rarely broke through his expertly-marshalled ranks.
More on Stephen Dawson >

7. Ben Chorley
Every lower league club needs a Ben Chorley, an uncompromising central defender who pulls his shorts up to somewhere beneath his chest and who's not afraid to stick his face into the path of a flying boot. But our Ben Chorley is so much more than a jumped-up hard man, with his positional sense and reading of the game ensuring Orient are rarely caught out at the back. Once per match he embarks on a lung-busting run upfield, where he is invariably dispossessed just outside the opposition box and has to run all the way back again. This season Chorley also turned out to be Orient's most reliable penalty taker since Matt Lockwood.
More on Ben Chorley >

6. Scott McGleish
You might think that after 20 years of chasing hopeful punts upfield for the likes of Barnet, Northampton and Cambridge United, Scott McGleish's legs might have had a quiet word in his ear and suggested that perhaps he might like to open a pub or something. Not so, for this season the veteran striker continued to cause nuisance to opposition defences like a late thirtysomething who keeps turning up at student parties and insisting on playing REM on the stereo. A true pro, McGleish's 17 goals were just reward for a fine season's work.
More on Scott McGleish >

5. Alex Revell
Alex Revell is the mythical big striker Martin Ling used to have wild, salivating dreams about. With a chiselled jaw and ice-white teeth he could land a bit part in a daytime American soap if the football thing doesn't work out, although there's no chance of that in the near future because Revell was a revelation this season. Sixteen goals isn't to be sneered at, but over and above that his unsettling presence, commitment and unselfish attitude was a major factor in Orient's success.
More on Alex Revell >

 
4. Jimmy Smith
What happened to Jimmy Smith this season? Once a player so bland you could have covered him in Tabasco sauce and he'd still have had absolutely no bite, he somehow transformed himself into a midfield goal-machine and one of the driving forces behind Orient's push up the table. Post-Christmas, whenever Orient created a chance it seemed to fall to Smith, and the former Chelsea man rarely missed them.
More on Jimmy Smith >

3. Charlie Daniels
When Charlie Daniels first arrived at Orient on loan in the 2007/08 season he showed a fair degree of promise, and if it wasn't for the fact he could neither defend or attack he could have been quite some player. Well, now Daniels is that player: reliable in defence and a real threat thundering down the left wing, with 15 assists over the season to prove it. This campaign Daniels added the ability to cut inside to his repertoire, a tactic that would have been highly damaging to oppositions if it wasn't for the fact his right foot is about as useful as an inflatable dartboard.
More on Charlie Daniels >

2. Jamie Jones
It's been a real pleasure this season to have a goalkeeper who is actually able to kick the ball properly, who doesn't flap at crosses, who isn't susceptible to low shots to his right, who commands his area and who doesn't throw the ball out directly to opposition strikers in key games... Oh, ok, strike the last point, but Jones' skill between the sticks has been one of the major reasons behind Orient's success this campaign, routinely digging the defence out of six-foot deep holes with his lightening reactions and breathtaking agility.
More on Jamie Jones >

1. Dean Cox
My player of the season for 2010/11, one who boasts the ability to square up to any hulking lower league hard man and fearlessly look him straight in the knee. Yep, Tiny packs a whole lot of attitude into the body of a medium-sized schoolgirl and adds a touch of genuine class to the Orient team as well as being the creative inspiration for much of their attacking play. Indeed, his delivery is so good the scouts watching him this season were from Royal Mail, DHL and the maternity unit at Homerton Hospital. You can't argue with 12 goals and 22 assists over the course of a season - although Cox himself would probably try, straight after he'd started a fight in an empty room.
More on Dean Cox >

Leyton Orient 0 Tranmere Rovers 3, 1/5/11

A game which... for Orient was much like strutting up to the Royal Wedding reception thinking you've got an outside chance of pulling Pippa Middleton, only to end the night staring desolately into your pint glass while Princess Eugenie yabbers inanely in your ear. Yes, the play-off dream is over and in truth, Orient looked jaded, allowing Tranmere - playing the match free of any implications - to boss the show. But let this not detract from what has been a season to savour, one that'll live long in the memories of fans.

Moment to savour... It's the delighful Cheery Os dance troupe, whose routine was once again transformed into a racy wet T-shirt performance by the mischievous groundsman who gave them a good soaking via the underground sprinkler system. Just think, if Prince William had spent more time in Faces Nightclub, Gants Hill, he could have been taking one of these hotties up the aisle rather than the prim Kate Middleton. Your loss, Wills.

Head in hands moment... When mini-firecracker Dean Cox called the assistant referee a 'super-c**t', evoking images of a comic book villain that dresses mainly in black and tries to bring down the world by incorrectly calling throw-in decisions and flagging Jonathan Tehoue offside.

King for 20 minutes... For the majority of the game, Orient's attacks were about as incisive as a Fearne Cotton interview. But when Paul-Jose M'Poku ambled onto the pitch with his loping cowboy gait, suddenly - as so often has happened this season - the home side were invigorated. The young Belgian helped create chance after chance and his skills will be sorely missed once he returns to Spurs.

Boo boy... Everyone in an Orient shirt played their hearts out - even Jonathan Tehoue could be seen running all over the pitch as if his contract depended on it - so this is no time for criticism. In fact, I salute each and every player for the effort they've put in this season. Except Aaron Brown, of course.

In the dug out... Russell Slade began proceedings with a little joke. No, not giving Ryan Jarvis a place in the starting line up, but appearing in a wig. It's been a real pleasure to have a manager as passionate, astute and committed as Slade this season, so let's hope it's not a case of hair today, gone tomorrow.

What would Martin Ling have done? Gone for broke in a do-or-die fixture by playing a midfield four of Adam Chambers, Paul Terry, Donny Barnard and a 6ft garden fence. "People say I'm too cautious, but my middle name is danger," he'd say defiantly. "Well, actually it's Nathan, but you get my point."

Next season? Can Orient go one better in 2011/12 and actually make the play-offs? Well, it won't be easy, but if the lowly daughter of a flight attendent can one day become Queen simply by parading up and down in her underwear a bit then there is always hope. Either way, it's sure to be a thrilling ride.

Leyton Orient 2 Peterborough United 1, 22/4/11

A game in which... the winner was scored by a player that hadn't so much come in from the cold, but had been cryogenically-frozen and locked in a box marked 'Open only in the unlikely event of loan request from misinformed Ryman Premier League club'. Yep, Ryan Jarvis, what a hero, rising majestically above the Peterborough defence to nod in a 97th minute goal almost as if he was a proper footballer.

It was just about what Orient deserved after a tenacious, if not totally fluid, performance. After a start as nervy as a best man at a wedding where he's been secretly shagging the bride, the Os improved throughout the game and edged the second half. Bring on the Carlisle!

Moment to savour... The moment when - shortly before his goal - Ryan Jarvis became so groggy after simply heading the ball that he was staggering around like Sean Thornton on St Patrick's Day and had to receive treatment from the physio. Presumably he was still so disorientated when the chance fell to him in the final minute that he broke the habit of a lifetime and inadvertently hit the target.

Head in hands moment... Unfortunately the moment that poor Gabriel Zakuani temporarily forgot he was no longer wearing an Orient shirt and stuck one in the net for the home side. Gaby, we got £1 million for you, you didn't owe us any more favours! It should be said, though, that aside from that the one-time O had a fine game and served a reminder of the class he brought to our promotion-winning side of 2005/06.

King for a day... Adam Barrett put in a commanding performance at the back, but the honour this week goes to Matthew Spring, the midfield playmaker with the child-scaring nose. It's taken the former Charlton man a couple of games to get back in his stride, but now he's executing his trademark passes back to Jamie Jones with assured expertise.

Boo boy... It's that man Jonathan Tehoue again, a striker who is so lacking in anticipation that he'll probably wake up next Friday and think, 'What the fuck's with all these street parties and bunting?'

In the dug out... Once again you have to hand it to Russell Slade. Most fans would rather have brought on a sack of mouldy potatoes than Ryan Jarvis in a bid to win the game, but the manager showed faith in a player who's spent most of the season handing out water bottles and trying to beat his keepy-uppie record of seven at half-time. In Slade we trust!

What would Martin Ling have done? Responded to Ryan Jarvis's winner by instantly giving him another two-year contract. "Next season is the one where I really expect Jarve to push on," he'd say, before sending the striker out on loan to Braintree Town three games into the campaign.

Play-offs? Why the hell not? On Monday Aaron Brown's coming back off loan to score the winner, while in next week's game the re-signed Adrien Patulea's going to score a hatrick. Initial talks are already underway to bring back Sam Parkin for the play-off final.

Leyton Orient 0 Carlisle United 0, 12/4/11

A game in which... Orient subjected Carlisle to the sort of onslaught you'd expect to see if the entire might of the US military decided to wage war against a platoon of Lego soldiers. Unfortunately this took place only in the final five minutes of the game, when the Os had a number of gilt-edged chances to steal the three points. Before that each team had spells of dominance, though in truth it was Carlisle who looked more likely to win the game, only for an inspired Jamie Jones and the underside of the crossbar to stand in their way.

Moment to savour... Jamie Jones's first half save in which he managed to palm a deflected ball around the post despite travelling in the wrong direction. It was one of a number of classy stops by the Orient number one, whose Charlton nightmare is now well and truly consigned to a cut-price DVD entitled Hilarious Goalkeeping Blunders Volume 76, narrated by Bob Mills.

Head in hands moment... When, in the dying minutes, Paul-Jose M'Poku sent over a delightful cross at about knee-height, meaning that the onrushing Dean Cox had no choice but to head it, and somehow managed to spoon it over the bar from all of three yards.

King for a day... Presumably Elliot Omozusi must have got a heavy knock on the head at the start of the second half, causing his brain to be temporarily tricked into thinking it was inhabiting the body of an actual footballer. Time and time again the centre-back turned his man inside his own penalty box and then sent Orient on the attack with precision-guided passes to Charlie Daniels. What next for Omozusi - heading the ball anywhere other than directly up in the air?

Boo boy... No one in particular, but let's slap the wrists of Stephen Dawson for pointlessly getting himself booked in the first few minutes for backchat, rendering himself unable to tackle properly for the rest of the game. And Adam Chambers too, for a Rory McIlroy-sized choke in front of goal at the death. I'm not saying the chance was easy, but if it were a barmaid it would be giving punters a hand job out the back for a fiver a pop.

In the dug out... At last, Big Russ gives Paul-Jose M'Poku more than 12 minutes to work his magic! Unfortunately for the majority of his half an hour on the pitch the Belgian winger was playing out of position in the centre of attack. But never mind that, for at times this season Orient have played some football that is so divine it's almost impregnanted a couple of virgins in the South Stand. And for that we have Russell Slade to thank.

What would Martin Ling have done? Given a rousing, ball-busting pre-match speech to fire the team up for a final push for the play-offs. 'I quoted Churchill,' he'd say, proudly. 'I've always loved that little dog in the insurance adverts.'

Play-offs? Well, since five of the last six meetings between these sides at Brisbane Road ended in stalemate, this one had a draw written all over it right from the start. Points-wise we're not out of it, but with the luck not flowing, a tired squad and some key injuries, it seems there's now more chance Kate Middleton will rock up to her wedding on a Harley-Davidson than Orient will make the play-offs. Still, don't give up hope just yet...

Leyton Orient 0 Southampton 2, 9/4/11

A game in which... Orient huffed and puffed but couldn't blow the house down. Southampton, remember, are one of the division's big bad wolves and have the sort of resources that could buy a whole team of Paul-Jose M'Pokus - or over 500 Ryan Jarvises. The Os put in a feisty and committed performance and had the better of the second half, but just couldn't get the ball in the net - at least not with linesman's flag down. Yes, Jimmy Smith has now had three goals disallowed in the space of the week. He's so out of luck that he'll probably go to Faces Nightclub, Gants Hill, tonight and inadvertently take home the only girl there who doesn't put out.

Moment to savour... Scott McGleish's acrobatic volley in the second half, in which he hooked a ball coming over his shoulder towards the goal while suspended in mid-air. The physics police have been alerted that there has been a possible infringement of the laws of gravity.

Head in hands moment... Southampton's first goal, in which Elliot Omozusi inexplicably ducked under an innocuous ball as it came in from the left to allow Ricky Lambert to score. It's anyone's guess as to what happened in the defender's brain, but I'd wager he had a momentary flashback to the days when school bullys would repeatedly fire elastic bands at his head in double maths.

King for a day... No one played a blinder so it's worth highlighting the continued good form of Charlie Daniels. When he arrived at the club his decision-making was so poor it was eligible for numerous government hand-outs. Not any more - the former Spurs man is reliable at the back and a constant threat going forward. He even uses his right foot these days too - though admittedly only for standing on.

Boo boy... Jonathan Tehoue. Admittedly when the French striker is in full flight his pace and strength make him a bit of a handful. Unfortunately today he displayed all the speed off the mark of an ageing oil tanker and was about as useful in the air as a vertigo-afflicted flight attendent.

In the dug out... While it might be all too predictable for fans to call for increased use of a flair player, it is somewhat bemusing how little faith Russell Slade seems to have in Paul-Jose M'Poku. Perhaps the manager needs him on the bench to babysit Tom Carroll, but surely he'd be more useful out on the pitch?

What would Martin Ling have done? Reacted to Jonathan Tehoue's awful performance by reading the player the riot act. "I told him that if things don't improve I'll definitely drop him in about eight games' time," he'd say at a defiant post-match press conference.

Play-offs? Thanks to Bournemouth's terrible form and Rochdale's loss to Colchester, Orient still have exactly the same chance of making the play-offs as they did before today's game. That is, none whatsoever. Just kidding. Keep believing...